Day 405: The Perception of a Worth-Less Life and Regrets

Some days I feel this gloominess about living a life that makes no sense - for sure in my mind I must be comparing it with 'a life that makes sense' and finding that I am way short from that.

A life that makes sense in this system is a life where I can feel free to move as I please, make plans, have choices and not just have enough to barely survive on every month, so this perception is surely Money related, it's the feeling of being paralyzed and frozen in a time warp where I can only live out the consequences of my poor choices, for many of which I live in a state of regret.

This was clear to me yesterday when I saw a post from a far away friend that brought up, again, the life I used to live with this life that I perceive as worthless, which in money terms it is, it is worth-less, I have less money circulating and hence much of my time, reasoning, conversations are about money. I put a price on everything I do or don't do, this of course leaves me with a sense of worth-less-ness and all because of money. Sad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that our worth is money defined and for rejoicing in the perception of a 'worthy' life when I had a lot of money, creating for myself the future perception of a worthless life to live out

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that being responsible about my life means living in the regret of the poor choices I have made because this is how 'I face consequences', creating regret to prove to myself I would not make the same choices again, if I had the chance

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not want to let go of this regret because if I did I would be irresponsible and when my mother would bring up 'en passant' the poor choices I have made when I had money, I would have to feel irritated instead of agreeing through keeping alive the regret for what I have done with money when I had it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that living in regret shows that I have changed, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that changing would mean let go of my past so I can create something new, that cannot come through regret

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to value myself and others based on the money they can turn over, having accepted and allowed myself to believe that if you are intelligent and educated you will make money in the system, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is not always so and that I made the decision to walk out of the system to prove the point that I could manifest money out of thin air and, when I could not, I felt cheated and stupid for ever having believed such nonsense as the Law of Attraction

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be moved by anything that brings up images, memories, thoughts, emotions and feelings about the life I used to live as I immediately compare it with the life I live now, until I feel worth-less and unhappy about myself and my life

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I made decisions based on what I understood at the time when I walked away from the system and that I have to stop the self judgements, blame and self hatred for what I have done and the self judgement of having been a dope because unless I let go I can not free myself to start living this life I live now, while I wait and hope to get back to the life I used to live back then

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Money is what gives worth to life, without seeing realizing and understanding that if I don't correct this stance within me I am one point of support for this system that puts money before Life, because I myself put money before Life

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to beat myself up about having given up the opportunity of a lifetime to follow some crap belief system and within this I forgive myself for not having taken the time to let go of this point not even when I saw that money had become an obsession in my mind due to how I had linked mine and others' worth to money and then attempting to get back my worth and my life's worth through money without succeding at it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to worry about money all the time because worry is one way I have understood as 'caring about something or somebody' and if I worry about it all the time I prove that I am concerned about being now responsible and caring about my financial situation, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that an obsession about money is the result of the relationship I have created to it, having attached my worth and my life's worth to this 'idea' and that I can correct this relationship to free myself regardless of how much money I have at all times

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel concerned about my relationship and the point that my partner has not been able to contribute equally due to the financial situation of my country and of many people around the world and for not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am applying to my partner as a measure of his 'value/worth' the number as money that he is able to turn around in a month, diminishing him as a being through the eyes of my money personality and within this for always putting a price tag on everything I do for him, with him feeling that I am building up credits for which 'he will have to do something' to get even

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed in myself because I have written about the money point within my relationship and for expecting that I would just magically change, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the money personality is one of our main personality system and I will have to walk these changes into the physical, until I become the script I have written out for myself regarding this point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less worthy since my friendship with my 'best friend' ended due to how I mishandled a situation between the two of us and due to having invested some of my 'worth' into the reflection of myself within our relationship, when this relationship ended I felt less, less worthy, less protected from what could happen to me, less sheltered by hers and her husband wealth and within this for feeling like a 'loser' because of what I lost when this relationship came to an end

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my friendship with my 'ex best friend' was based on projecting back to each other exactly the personalities we wished to be known as and that what I lost with the end of our relationship is a 'perception of myself', a mask of myself, a cover up and the possibility to hide the truth of myself behind the image of me that I could see through the eyes of another, a favour I dutifully returned making our friendship never true, never real but just an engagement of personality systems that could not last beyond the threat of having to give up our self created images for one another

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to miss my ex best friend and her presence in my life, without seeing, realizing and understanding that what I miss is that feedback that stated that there was nothing wrong with me, that I was just an original, peculiar person and not the mind system I feared I was and did not know how to change into something real

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I always wanted 'a best friend' in my life in the hope that I could trust someone because I did not trust myself and that what I really miss is an intimate relationship of acceptance with myself, where I can accept who I have become as I walk to change what I can see needs to be corrected and realigned to what is best for all, for myself and all of existence, equal and one

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not take full responsibility for why this relationship ended, attempting to make my friend the reason and the one to blame instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the reason why I found it impossible to keep that friendship going when she became close to my ex husband was that I feared what my ex husband would expose about me things that I did not share with her because those 'events' in my relationship did not match the personality system through which we operated and that I was the first one getting close to her husband and doing to her what I feared she may do to me and within this for trying to blame her for what she said about what she learned about me instead of using that moment as an opportunity to walk beyond my personality system and become more intimate with her and with myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not want to forgive myself regarding my ex best friend because when I don't forgive myself I am 'principled' and better than those that do forgive themselves and within this for withholding this forgiveness as a way to feel good about what I have done instead of letting go of the need to feel good about something I feel ashamed about so I can deal with the shame and get over it once and for all

When and as I see myself wanting to entertain some memories, thoughts, feelings and emotions in relation to my 'past life', I stop, breathe, do not allow myself to participate because I am aware that it's just an attempt to self sabotage myself into a state of worthlessness, instead I busy myself physically and breathe myself back to stability

When and as I see myself wanting to put a price on something, wanting to talk about money when it's not contextual to the moment I am living I stop, breathe and let go of the perceived 'need to put a price on everything

When and as I see myself looking back with regret at my relationship with my ex best friend, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I can't change what I have done but I can change who I am and what I stand for and as, to no longer create such consequences in my life such as shame and regret

I commit myself to bring back the pieces of worth that I have invested outside of myself and to return worth to myself as Life and not as Money or my ability to spend or my ability to have a best friend as I see, realize and understand that my worth is in me as Life and I can bring back all my divested worth until I can stand one and equal to the word Worth Equal and One with My self

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Day 225: Free The Slave 4 Love.

This is a follow up to my yesterday's Blog: "Can't get enough of Your Love, Babe..Joke!"

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Love was the most important thing, more important than me as Life and within this belief, for enslaving myself to an idea of 'Love' according to my culture, as taught by my family and supported by society through movies and books

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that without Love I was nothing and as such I lived in Hope to be loved as appreciation as a confirmation of my existence and the value of it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be manipulated by men who told me, wrote me, whispered, hinted, implied that they loved me as I wanted to believe in what I knew was not true, not real, because it had no relation with their behavior or physical reality but I needed that love to feel complete, important, fit into society as I accepted and allowed myself to believe I could only be 'somebody' if someone loved me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react when my ex came back on the scene and I willingly, deliberately played the old games using memories to try and bring the past back to life, so I could feel wanted, important, desired and as such give myself the value from which I have separated myself from as Self Value and Self Worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fly off searching for memories of a 'love' that took place over 20 years ago to fan those feelings and emotions, seeking for ways to bring back those feelings that I once felt and believed were only possible because another person was in my life, completing me, when in fact I was the one generating those feelings at all time, which I now see and realize as I see that I loved most when my partners were Not around to spoil my Love fantasy and how I enjoyed it in my mind alone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad when I could not feel those feelings even when solicited to go there, even when I solicited myself to search for them to ignite them and for feeling a sense of loss at something that I will never experience again I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the word Love, as I knew I kept myself under this spell, chained to this word as a willing slave, just like my mother did while I pitied her and felt disgusted by how much of herself she gave up to tag along after a man just to turn up the suppressed version of her and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fail to notice that Love can never be real when it is not physically lived as support, as sharing and intimacy developed between two partners in an agreement of sticking together so that they may both expand together, work on their points of self limitation until both release themselves from the chains of ideas, beliefs, cultural imprinting, opinions and hopes of what Love should be like, as any definition of a word in separation from Self is just a dead word and not a Living word expressing as Self in all its potential, and for separating myself from the word Love into ideas, beliefs, definitions, hopes and opinions, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Love is a feeling and as such the most important thing in the world, failing to see that a feeling is insubstantial, unreal and has no power in the physical world of any kind and that there is only one real thing and that is the physical existing as the point beyond definitions and that to live Love in and as the physical an equalization into the physical of Love as Self is required to make it real

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to subject myself to self abuse in the name of love, through emotions and feelings, thoughts, imagination, dreams, hopes and desires, making my separation with Love as a living word as myself wider with any energetic step I took in an attempt to live it out energetically instead than physically and within this for seeking experiences of energy so I could live this experience as a feeling and then as an emotion as Love rolled into fear and back into love in a never ending loop of dis-ease that was not best for me or best for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be willing to live crappy situations in the name of Love as I hoped to be paid back, enslaving myself and others within a debt/credit system that I deliberately created to cash in with Love so I could get to feel more than what I am, here in and as the simplicity of breath

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to Imagine myself living a Love Story that would bring resolution to my life, that would make me feel complete because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was not complete as underlined by sayings such as 'my other half, my better half' which in itself is scary as if I am looking for my better half, am I myself the Worse half of the whole and if I am not whole seeking for my other half, am I just the WORST, waiting for the Best as another?

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as half, incomplete, needing Love to have it all, when in fact when I did get my hands on this 'Elusive' Love, nothing changed if not the temporary high I experienced which was mainly connected to sex hence again proving that nothing ethereal such as Love has any relevance in reality until we make it physical, we experience it physically, as Love only benefits the one manufacturing the 'Love feeling' for his/her own benefit, and nobody else

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use memories as milestone of moments when I can 'remember' having loved someone, when in fact what I felt was the high, the positive experience that I lived in separation from myself as I valued the experience itself above myself as Life and within this separation ended up creating ideas, beliefs and opinions about Love that now exist as definitions with a life of their own and in the way of myself expressing myself as Love as Self Love and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear the loss of the Love train, fear that if I don't board it 'one last time' I'll never get to experience it again and this in the face of having realized the illusory nature of love and yet at the same time feeding the dream as I have not yet willed myself to get off this delusion for good as I fear the loss of such a big piece of myself as the Slave for Love

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'when a Love is real a woman would/should abandon everything and follow 'her' man' cos that's exactly what I did, twice, reducing my Life to an intermission in between Imaginary Great Loves living out the Anna Karenina Character in real life, always disappointed at my partner who never did enough to match what I perceived as my Great sacrifices, which in fact were only self dishonest, self scripted plots in search for my own value and purpose

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself in my relationships within the fear that if I was not the woman's of a man's dreams, he would stop giving me that Love that I craved and needed to define myself and for having defined myself as more when 'loved' than when 'not loved' I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that a feeling that someone feels independently from anyone else and is self created and as such has nothing to do with me/others, could define me or others as more or less and that I had to toe a line as the source of the Love feeling when in fact if a man felt 'loving feelings' for me or not had nothing to do with me at all and viceversa

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear the loss of Love as an Idea, concept, belief because I failed to realize that it was never about Love but it was caused by my own created and imposed definition of myself as worthy/not worthy as Loved/Unloved by other Beings that I held this fear in place as I feared my diminishment and losing my chance to feel 'more' because I believed who I am was not enough/good enough

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that only when one is loved is 'good enough' and that all the 'good enough' people are out there loved by someone and within this for holding a secret desire to find this love, the real one, failing to see the real Love is Not a feeling, but is the Love of Self as Life, of All as Life and that only in such Love the Fear of Love/as Love no longer exists as Self realigns with Love as Self expression for what is best for Self and All of existence, Equal and One

When and as I see myself sliding back into habits such as seeking memories/ imagining future love moments/ trying to activate myself into the Love delusion, I stop, breathe, look at the points where I fear to not be good enough that make me desire to 'be loved' and breathe myself back here to correct myself and let go of my past behaviors for good

I commit myself to become self honest regarding Love, as I see realize and understand I have invested much of myself in this Fairy Tale and I will have to walk out of it peeling all of the layers of my imprinted beliefs, behaviors, ideas and opinions about love, until I am no longer reactive or a slave for love that can be manipulated and self manipulated into reactions of emotions and feelings

I commit myself to flag this point of Love for myself and to take all upcoming occasions to dig into the point until I no longer catch myself drifting away or desiring to drift away on those specific points, as I require to bring myself Here to stop my participation in fantasies to correct myself into a self responsible, self honest human being, for myself and all of Existence, Equal and One

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