Day 234: Who is Screwing with my Memories?

I have been on this planet for almost half a century.

But I have only about 1 month worth of memories under my belt, meaning, if I had to sit down and bring up my whole life in as many details as possible, it would take me 1 month, IF I could stretch it that far.

Would that be a Life Not worth remembering?

This point of my faulty memory bank always bothered me, where did my memories go, why can't I recall the totality of my Life in detail, my interactions with others in detail, was there something valuable in that iper-giga-byte package that I dumped somewhere that I should be able to recall, what if there was and if there was why would I let it go. How can I learn from a past I can't recall in detail?

I guess those questions just bothered me up to a certain point in my life, together with others like 'where do I come from' and 'why am I here', my culture didn't offer much support in answering those question, we had God and he had a plan, not that he cared to share it, it was like being employed for a job for which no one received instructions weird to say the least, but everyone seemed to think it was normal and as it was designed, kids soon or later cave in. I did.

I moved easily onto the 'we live multiple lives' vs the one life offered by the Catholics, come on, if I were to live just 1 life I would have great memories to treasure of this 1 unique experience, plus it must take multiple lives to learn a lesson that you don't know what it is, it wold be like going to school and always waiting to be tested on something that everyone was careful to not talk about.

As I picked and chose beliefs to align with, I went with the 'we are here to learn lessons' theory, I read somewhere that the world is divided in just so many types of beliefs to explain our Earthly experience:

The Lesson Theory - this includes reincarnation

The Love of God Theory - this was pretty unbelievable

The 3d Playground- this came later as I embraced the New age beliefs of Love and Light

There was a great list I read and can no longer find, as I asked Google 'Why are we here' I saw that there are 669.000.000 results, do we have as many opinions about 'Why are we here' or has the question been asked so many times, like 10% of the world population or almost everyone who has access to Internet asked this question, I don't know. This number surpasses everything else I have ever searched for, it must be something that bothers us deeply.

For myself, I chose the first theory, the lesson theory and when I used to try and push it on my ex -very scientifical minded- husband, he would argue that noone could be here to learn a lesson from a previous life they could not remember. hard to argue with that, not that I wouldn't try and then conclude with 'you just always look for evidence, why can't you just believe we are all part of a bigger plan?' he would not answer but the reply that always lingered between us was 'because this fucking alleged plan makes no sense at all'.

Today I listened to Anu's Interview no 119 "Memory and the Soul as The Creator Intended", which basically answered all of the above questions -the one of the Why has been explained in many other of his interviews- and 2 main points came up, a first point just plain old fashioned visceral Anger, because it seemed unfair to come here without an Instruction Manual, living on a Planet where everyone was separated from their Mind and the extensive lack of responsibility for it, just to learn from those that went before, making it the perfect closet in which one ass-umed could go and rant and rave and store there all kind of shit, understanding that the line between Good and Evil was just to Not do the things one thought about, looking at the world, wasn't  that fucking good enough?

This was a big point, the point of wanting to just get to some desolated lanes and kick the walls and scream and shake my fists up to Heaven, and it did not go away and I will deal with it through Self Forgiveness here below, but the next point that came up as I suppressed this anger -because it was just not appropriate to display it on public transport and no desolated isolated lanes were in sight-, a second point emerged and was just disheartening and overwhelming and triggered a lot of Shame, the point was that we don't remember because we just can't handle what we have done and how we have, deliberately or by default, impacted each other lives and the consequences we created through the way we lived.

Anu said as well that he thought about allowing humans to see the future to see the consequences of their behaviour so they could change and that humans would respond in 3 ways, one of which was My Way, which was to isolate myself and reduce to a minimum my interactions with others, not because I saw the future, I just saw the looping of my behaviors and simply because didn't know how to stop creating consequences and by a certain point in time forward  I became clear about the point that I was only living consequences and the consequences my interactions with others had, and I feared that I was only able to do that, to move like an elephant in a porcelain shop, damaging everything I came in touch with, even when not intending it, a movement of my tail would do and something would be broken irreparably forever.

In an attempt to release myself from the responsibility of the words I have carelessly spoken or even worse, intentionally, deliberately spoken, to harm, to damage, to hurt, I tried to disown and take a distance from the power, from the substance of my words, I denied that words had any meaning at all, I said and argued that words were just empty vessels that everyone filled with Their Own Crap, and in this I tried to remove any MEAN-ing from the words I spoke, to make them in-substantial hoping that since I could not stop shooting, at least I would, by my own choice, force myself to just shoot blanks and limit the damages that I seemed devoted to pursue.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to store an image of myself trying to remember a specific point, moment, dialogue, interaction and when failing being puzzled and confused about it until I accepted that this happens to all, we just don't remember the details of our lives because it's MEANt to be this way

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to store an image of myself being asked by my mother, my grandparents, my friends, my partners 'don't you remember?' and for feeling ashamed and bad about not remembering in full what I had said or done, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there was a reason and a bigger plan about why we were here and were supposed to learn lessons suppressing the questions about why if I was supposed to learn a lesson I could not remember which points I was supposed to correct about myself and wasn't that weird

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that this was a 3d playground, denying the physical and embracing ideas and beliefs and opinions about it, so I could stop asking myself why there was so much suffering in the world and embrace the idea that we chose our lives, even when this point was clearly not sustainable because I wouldn't choose some of the lives the 'less fortunate' are living on this planet EVER

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to believe in the benevolence of this creation because I believed I could not live with the truth that a world such as this cannot be benevolent and that if I existed in the image and likeness of God I should be as non benevolent as he was and I feared seeing myself as Evil

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imagine that there must be a reason for our life on earth and that the reason must be benevolent, even in the face of the majority having a negative experience, just because I could not face the point that there is nothing benevolent either in this creation or in ourselves and that we were living the consequences of something that had gone terribly wrong and that I could not remember and I feared this point of not being able to either remember or work out 'why am I here'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when hearing Anu's interview about memory and how it was used and how we were used just like stupid dumb puppets, to feel an extensive all consuming visceral existential anger and then look for reasons to validate it because what was done was unfair and NOT the best way to support us to change at all and for believing I had a RIGHT to my anger I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when hearing Anu's explanation of the hows and why and then feel the existential all encompassing visceral anger, to desire to dwell in it because it was a rightful anger regardless of the fact that I am aware that emotions and feelings as reactions mean that I am in fact the very prisoner of the Mind for the creation of which I would still like to blame Anu as I fear I won't be able to face myself as this creation and for this fear I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame Anu for this Creation because I rather blame than take self responsibility, draw a line on everything that happened and forgive myself and all involved equally and start from here to rebuild a world that I am proud to live in and for having chosen once again blame over self responsibility I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that some anger is just too rightful to not participate in, that if I did not participate in such a righful anger I would be abnormal, subnormal, because anger is the normal response pattern to something that I myself judge as outrageous and unforgivable instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is one of the moments where I choose who do I want to be, a rightfully angry person, which means I am not real as I participate in mind construct which have no relation to the physical world if not for sucking out the life of myself and everyone else, or stop and decide I will not give into this anger because it's just a disempowering failsafe to prevent myself from moving consistently out of the Mind

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to set triggers for anger for myself such as my own judgements of something as 'outrageous and unforgivable' and for judging what Anu did as outrageous and unforgivable so I could move into my 'rightful anger' I forgive myself 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame Anu for this creation, when in fact The Mind is nothing but a filing cabinet in which everything about my Being-ness has been neatly organized and that I can only stop fighting with my Mind and align with it as we together as a partnership walk out of this mess we created while living life in separation from each other and everything that exists

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I felt the moment of visceral anger take over my body instead of breathing and stopping immediately, go with it, because it was a chance to ride an energy rocket of too much of a magnitude to just be discarded for Breath, and for making my visceral anger more importand and de-light-full than Breath, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I felt the moment of visceral anger coming up, instead of taking responsibility for it and realizing this existed in and as me, to look for an external point I could rightfully project it on, because I could, and within this perpetrating this behaviour of rightful blame because I could I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as I listened to the following interview about how we all have to give up what we treasure for this 1 life, to still stand as a point of conflict in my Mind with Anu seeking WHAT did He give up that was important to see if we were giving up things of Same Value, and for -upon hearing he had accepted to do these interviews and walk this process, to think 'NOT ENOUGH' and for thinking 'Do you even realize what fuck up you created down on earth, it is your Duty to fix it' and for not wanting to equally take the same responsibiity and thinking he should give up more than me, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I saw that I was lost into a pattern of anger and rightfulness and retaliation, instead of stopping and breathing myself out of it, to keep going because All those emotions combined felt better than the shame that I felt when I realized the point of memory and why I can't remember the whole details of my life, and for feeling an existential visceral shame that I tried to cover up and blur with all the crap I participated in today and for believing all these emotions to be real, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I realized I was creating a life of consequences for myself and all the ones that came in touch with me, to move into guilt, shame and self blame and to attempt to remove myself from existence by embracing isolation, hoping that if I didn't interact with others I could limit the damages that I saw I was doing through My reckless irresponsible participation in and as The Mind in separation from existence and everything that is Here

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to dwell into the guilt and shame of the life of consequences I created for myself and others, instead of, when I found the tools to correct myself, get on with the self correction letting go of the past that I lived when I did not have the tools to take responsibility for myself and even less for mySelf as the whole, and for believing that I have not suffered enough for what I have done I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embrace a life of suffering in the hope to even out the books, even now that I see that I can correct myself and for believing that this is not enough and that suffering should be the way to go, and for imposing this suffering on myself and others Equal and One, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I heard the reason why most of our memories are not available to us, to feel a surge of shame and for realizing that it was true and that even though I had no access to the memories, I accessed the shame of my own behaviour and held on to it in fear that if I let go of the shame, nothing of me as what I have done and what I have existed as would remain, and for fearing to lose myself even in the face of a life unworthy to be lived I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if I had access to all the minute details of my interactions with others I would be in such state of dismay that I wouldn't have been able to function and that there was a point of mercy in not making our memories available to us, within the malevolent plan of this creation, but that the point of not remembering the details doesn't exempt me from the responsibility to change, because I don't need the gory details of what I have done so far, I have a pretty clear picture of the overall ad that is good enough to walk my change consistently out of the Mind to stop this separation of mySelf from Self as All of existence, Equal and One

When and as I see myself seeking to retrieve a specific memory, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that what I need to walk my process is Here as me  and that I have clear access to my reactions as thoughts emotions and feelings and in self honesty I can address them one by one until I stand stable in and as Breath

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into existential anger I stop and Breathe, see realize and understand that when I access anger I have blamed or I am about to blame someone else for where I find myself now and that if I do, I abdicate my ability to respond Here not as a product of my Past but as the Directive Principle of Myself in and as Breath

When and as I see myself desiring to suffer as a way to even out the books, through thoughts, memories, emotions and feelings, one way or another, I stop and breathe, see realize ad understand this is a Character I made up so I could feel good about myself for imposing on me the same suffering I believed I had been responsible for and that a Character has no power to change because it's  just one of my Powerless Creations to distract myself from the consistency required to walk myself into stability and an honorable life that works for mySelf as Self as a whole, once and for All

I commit myself to let go of the past and to stop looking for my missing memories as the reason why I can't change, I see realize and understand that what I need to walk as change is Here as me and that memories are not the support I need to change nor are they the key to change, I Am the Key to Self change and I can walk this change one breath at the time back into realignment to Oneness and Equality for myself and all of existence, Equal and One.

Related articles

• Day 145 - Embracing Change
• 102 - Relationships = Relate-to-Self
• Day 248: Learned Helplessness Character - The Driving Force of a Hidden Agenda

Day 229: The Memories of The Way We Were

Christmas Day: already uneasy with myself for having caved in to the red Christmas tablecloth and a Santa that lit up that my mother brought from one of her markets hunts. 

Not that I have not made myself heard about Christmas but this year unlike last year when I went through a 'give it all away frenzy' and 'no fucking Christmas deco in this house' I did not feel like fighting it and maybe fighting Christmas it's not even the point but the milking it, the 'Merry Christmases' said to strangers for that moment of delusive 'shared goodness' something I have always enjoyed about Christmas day, a day of 'Hope' for Humanity, that we would take that chance to change, to realize our inherent 'goodness' and while we sat feeling lucky and giving a fleeting thought to the unlucky ones in the world, we could have our cake and it it too.

So I bought presents this year, nothing useless, all useful things for a bunch of people I interact with, mainly clothes, my mum had a moment about what to give to our neighbors for which I felt irritation, I had already solved that point within me, my suggestion was 'NOTHING' because I had built up credits this year with them through what I gave them and the massages I gave to both so I did not feel I HAD to give something, while she did and she battled the thought of just giving a bottle of wine I had at home, it was not enough to 'look good' in their eyes and we had to add some dried fruits to make up the imaginary gap between the value of the wine bottle and an acceptable monetary figure to express 'the value' of the 'relationship' we don't even have.

Basically I was quite disappointed at myself as Christmas turned out just like Love, something I was not ready to let go due to the 'Joy Factor' that is inbuilt into both.

So when my ex Love's cousin sent the Christmas wishes on FB on behalf of my ex, I reciprocated and sent my number to take him off this loop as an intermediary, the middle man between two long lost lovers.

My phone rang a few times before I answered it, first time I ignored it as we were having our lunch, the next times it rang while I went down to buy cigarettes with my friend and my mum tried to reply but she said 'there was someone saying 'Hello Hello' and they could not hear each other. I knew it was him.

When the phone rang again I took it to my bedroom and finally answered, we chatted for about 10 minutes, what I noticed was that when he said he couldn't really recognize my voice, that it was 'different' I went searching for my 'then voice' but could not find it, I wished I could have been that woman again, that girl he liked so much and longed for.

On the same point there is my digging for memories that has been going on since this contact took place, I feel ashamed that I can't bring everything back as if the value of relationships is in fact logged into images and how many I successfully manage to file away for later use, even though I have proved to myself not only that memories can't be trusted to tell a story but that basically I filed only the ones that supported me into special characters and definition of myself and others I wished to hang on to.

So it's not hard to see why this specific filing is missing so many tassels, I have already worked it out, it's because once he told me 'NO' when I went looking for him again, I filed this point as a rejection and no one holds up a candle to a rejection or better, no one of my personalities does, hence I deleted the files, something I did not succeed to do with my ex husband for example, whose file I had to delete one frame at the time, one passage at the time, because it had accumulated into something of apparent worth and value that I held on to because 'you never know' I might have the need to revisit it to beat myself up about it, as in that case too, I did not file the whole story, but just the 'bad side of me' as if I had already come to that conclusion about myself, that I was beyond repair and I had to keep the records to prove it to myself if I ever came to doubt it.

This brings up a memory of the first time I was sent to summer camp, basically the first time I was away from my mother for a prolonged period of time and how I would lie in bed at night trying to bring up her face and how I discovered in horror that a few days after my arrival her face started to fade, a point for which I experienced much guilt and shame, because WHO in the world would forget her mother? And yet the image blurred as the day went past and I cried over it as if the picture fading was herself fading out of my life, as if the fact that I could not hold that picture as clear as when I was looking at her proved that I did not love her, that I did not care, why would I let her face go if I did?

So, holding on to memories became important for me as the definition of my relationships, and in this past week I tried to write out everything I remember about that first love and I was amazed to see how little it was, I mean I run away from home for this boy, spent one year in Ireland getting jobs here and there just to have the chance to spend time together, I was already 17, so where did all the memories go, why were they not relevant to keep, I can see why I almost completely deleted 'the second coming' but the first one whole year, come on, so every time a little memory would pop up I felt a sense of achievement, see, I CAN remember they are there somewhere, I'll dig them up, I will line them all filling the holes to see what happened and how this relationship shaped all the ones that followed.

Another thing took place, as I felt authorized by his highlighting how important I was, I moved into ownership and into an insane desire to question him about 'why if he only thought about me for 20 over years, he then went and had 2 children with another woman?', cos 1 child can be excused, it may have happened, but the second must have been a choice, so why did you, how dared you, couldn't you see into the future how this point alone would have complicated everything, why didn't you think about Us?
Note to Self -I was not even thinking about him for over 20 years if not occasionally and certainly I did not base any of my Life decisions on Him-

But I will unravel the Ownership point in another Blog because it's big and cultural and something that I realized I do like a Monkey, step into it and then travel on the tracks up to it's final destination: Insanity, and that point needs a correction all by itself.

Instead I will write out the SF for this point of memory digging and wanting to embody the past.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed at myself for how I handled Christmas day because I have been reading blogs about it and how everyone handled it and took what I saw and judged it as a militant stand against it and I did not see myself doing the same, and within comparison I judged myself as not devoted enough to the cause of changing myself or I would have said to everyone involved 'fuck Christmas'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make up ideas of what is the best course of action regarding Christmas and how to live it based on things that I have read from others who have made different decisions than mine and in that feel inferior because I didn't do enough, instead of just going along with the day of which I did not make a big fuss about but just spent with family and friends, cooking a meal that was normal and where there was no waste or excesses to highlight that we had to 'overdo' the day due to 'traditions'.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to drag this disappointment at myself so far that I no longer felt like writing myself out because I would have to write this point out and look as well at what happened with my neighbors with which I felt fine not giving any gift because I had 'credits' while I blamed my mum for wanting to give her present an acceptable 'monetary value ' to reflect the value of a relationship that is not real, because I would have to look at all the Christmas pasts when I did just that and chose presents based on their monetary value or fun value so I would be accepted and liked for making people feel good on such a 'special day' and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to build credits inside of me for what I do for others which is then invalidated by my book keeping because I don't do anything for nothing but to accumulate 'brownie points' that I can use once I have to make decisions on 'having to give or not' in a 'giving occasion' such as Christmas

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to build up points of self judgement to the point that I move into the 'I no longer care' character as I convince myself that it's all just too much and that giving up Christmas and Love in one go is just ridiculous and not Human and something I will never be able to do because Christmas and Love ranked among my 5 most favorite things in the world and the ones that gave me the most 'joy' as an experience of an energy high and I resent having to give them up, whatever the cause

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel excited when I saw the missed call from Ireland and for moving into Fear when I finally heard his voice as I felt guilty that I had been unable to collate all the pieces of the past that he seemed to treasure so much and I wanted to level with him and have the same pictures to swap and chat about but I could not and for feeling guilty for the 'missing pictures in my file' I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel diminished because I have a log hole, such as being unable to recall the events of one year in a fluent logical sequence, which then makes me feel dishonest for Not having participated in the same way, putting in the same amount of time into remembering Us and who we were, for Not having paid the same attention to preserving my past and for judging myself as careless, superficial, unable to really love someone whenever a picture went missing from my files and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself as a kid to believe that memory was important, valuable, a tool to define what was relevant in my life and for feeling bad when someone would say 'don't you remember?' as if I were faulty somehow that I could not remember and for judging myself as faulty because I did not file images and moments as efficiently as others I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a kid, feel shame, guilt and despair when I realized I was losing the picture of my mum's face, that it was kind of dissolving and for fearing that I did not know how to preserve it and that it was my fault for 'damaging' this memory in some way due to me not loving my mother enough or having done something wrong that I could not figure out I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that relationships are measured in memories, holding on to the past as a proof of the worthiness of a relationship, instead of bringing myself here and seeing whatever relationship I face for what it is now and for who I am within it now, seeing, realizing and understanding that I don't need memories when I am Here, as all of me is Here with me and Life and myself is not defined by pictures, images or moments in time but by who I am in every moment of Breath

When and as I see myself seeking memories for a perceived 'added value' to the moment I live, I stop, breathe, bring myself back Here as I see realize and understand that I can only seek for more value when I am in and of the Mind because when I am Here in and as Breath I am enough and nothing needs to be added to make the moment or myself 'more'

When and as I see myself moving or about to move myself into diminishment and self judgement due to my inability to bring up a memory, I stop and breathe, remind myself that memories are flashcards of the past that I lived not as a self directed being and as such they carry nothing of value and I breathe myself back Here until I no longer feel the desire to seek value through memories and pictures

When and as I see myself seeking memories to work out a point, a moment, a decision I have to make, I stop and Breathe as I see realize and understand that a memory is a thought and a thought created and filed when I lived my preprogrammed life doesn't belong to me but to one of my characters/personalities and that I cannot learn or understand anything new through the eyes of a character because all my characters and personalities are a product and live in and as The Past

I commit myself to stop using memories and pictures to define myself and others and or past/present experiences and to, whenever I see myself looking for pictures for validation, value or as a tool for decision making, to stop bring myself back Here in and as Breath until I am stable again in and as the physical.

Related articles

• Day 65: Dreams and Memories
• Day 166 - Christmas - Pt. 2
• Day 253: Learned Helplessness Character - Our Body is Speaking our Mind
• Day 255: Learned Helplessness Character - Oh Woe is Me! (wink, wink)

Day 180: Don't you Dare Hitting me...

This Blog is a Follow up to: The Solitude of Prime Numbers & I Don't Need Anybody - Character
links at the bottom of the page

OK, so just starting with this structure of Characters deconstruction and my buddy and a friend reminded me that Thoughts are in fact images, which when I looked again it did bring up an image of my mother hitting me which made me fear that she did not want me anymore, which made me want to not want her anymore and extend this rejection in fear of being rejected to everyone else, which in fact created a suppressed denied desire for relationships, what a fuck up.

So today looking at the though dimension as a picture I have imprinted myself with and which I have layered into one picture seemingly even though it's not the first one because we were already living in our second apartment but it's the representation of those moments of utter fear I felt when I had the perception of being too small to do anything to protect myself and that I lacked both resources and knowledge to walk away, considering I did not even know where to go or how to survive.

Thought dimension:

Picture (could be a composite)

My mother screaming at me and her face going evil, her hands trembling, her eyes changed while she raised her right hand to hit me, me covering my face while she hit me where I did not protect myself with my hands and the contact of her hand with my face, the physical pain and the physical shame (don't know how to express this because I don't remember this as an emotion but as a physical being ashamed for her to hit me that way)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imprint myself with the picture of myself sitting on a chair while my mother shouted to not respond, to just shut my big mouth or there would be consequences, but because I could not shut up my mouth without feeling defeated and diminished I had to speak up for myself becoming the trigger that would unleash my mother bottled up anger and turn it physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the experience of humiliation without realizing it was a self created experience but instead allowing myself to feel defeated and diminished and disempowered as a consequence of my own self created experience, for which I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to this picture of myself as disempowered, not knowing what to do, having to sit and wait for this woman to just walk toward me and hurt me, fearing the physical impact and what I would experience if she did hit me, having the memory of the palpitation of the negative expectation of troubles to come, that could not be avoided because I did not consider the moment and how much my mother was under stress, instead I saw that moment as her condemnation, as the moment in which IF she did hit me, I don't know what I wold have done, I would no longer hold myself back (HAHA) and for fearing in fact the emotional experience I would have to go through, as hatred and desire to retaliate that I had experienced before when she hit me or abruptly touched me physically in a way that I defined and then felt trespassing and abusive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to this picture of the moment in which her hand landed on my face, feeling her fingers even when she had already lifted her hand from my face, feeling utterly humiliated that she would even dare do such a thing, wanted to say 'how do you dare' but not having the vocabulary to put my feelings into words to express my endless indignation and for believing that now that she DID hit me I was entitled to hate her and desire to retaliate, because she brought this on herself, not realizing that we all lived out on friction in this reality, and as I stood as the point of friction, so did she, as the lives of those that have nothing to look forward to seem to become 'lively' and meaningful only in such outburst of energies, which it doesn't matter if they give rise to good feelings or negative emotions, as long as we get to experience that moment of aliveness that seems missing from our lives at all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imprint myself with the moment in which I was physically hit, and then dragged myself through the experience of humiliation for having caused such moment to even take place and then since I could not stand both the abuse and the responsibility for it, I blamed my mum for being the cause of my misery, wanting to hold on to such a moment as proof of my future entitlements as the pay back of her fuck ups, never giving up on my perceived credits because I had the PROOF within me that she did in fact fuck up when she hit me and she shouldn't think she would be left off the hook so easily because now I got her and as I held on to this retaliatory excuse I bound myself to that moment which caused me to create experiences of further cycles of abuse and entitlement as I kept playing out the same loops until now

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when I felt fear for what was coming, imprint myself with the image of my mothers movement, her eyes darkening, how she threateningly moved toward me, so I could be sure that I could always read the signs of something negative to come from anyone as I stored away the images of 'how it is done' what comes before a blow, and within this image stored in fear allowing myself to fear my mother whenever one of these signs would come up, such as trembling hands, which then led to extensive situations of tension as I lived in anticipation of being harmed, until she would, out of the desperation of perceiving me on the defensive for no apparent reason, locking her out of any possible communication as I waited for the blow - even when later in life it was unreasonable to expect such a blow up  I would still live out my automated robotic reactions - live out her frustration as I confirmed that 'you see, this is what you do' instead of seeing myself as the cause unnecessary un-required friction for which I did not take self responsibility to change myself from the cause to the solution

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not support my mum as an Equal, by letting go of the Past, because in my Self Interest it was a credit I  could always cash in on, no matter how long a time I kept this woman jailed to her past, jailing myself one and equal, standing in the way of my ability to respond as self responsibility and preventing myself to grow and expand into everything I could have been and become, so that I could make a point, again and again, of how wrong she was when I was so very right

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, due to this image and the fear and humiliation associated to it, build up such a point of resistance to my mum that for years I felt physically repulsed by the vicinity of my mother, a point for which I felt ashamed, trying to look for faults to blame in her to justify this repulsion, such as that she was sloppy and did not take good care of herself, lining up with my grandmother and using her reasons to justify what was in fact my own behavior for which I was not willing to take responsibility and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reject my mum in fear of being rejected as this was one of the point of this moment that I defined as a possibility as I took this moment personally, as if there was something wrong and faulty with me and she may decide to return me or that she may just have secretly hoped to have another kid and not me, which in this point of my imaginary self created rejection would lead me to backchat and creating a Character that rejects All, such as the "I don't need anybody' Character, condemning myself to solitude for years in fear of rejection, and for this I forgive myself.

Related articles

• Day 178: The Solitude of Prime Numbers
• Day 179: I Don't Need Anybody - Character
• Day 149: You hurt my feelings character
• Day 98: Morality Character Self-Forgiveness statements continued 3...
• Day 150: Matrix of FLESH is SELF
• Day 139: The Rapture and True Activism
• Day 180: After Death Communications - Part 29

Post 91: The Memory Dealer - Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

From yesterday Blog and the self realization of how I have used memories to put others and myself back into Character/into 'my/their place' according to what I meant to obtain in support and validation of myself as a Character of and within the Mind.

...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT realize that memories as pictures are actually thoughts, and when I feed others the picture of a moment in time, I am feeding them a thought that will lead to emotions and feelings that together with the thought belong and define A specific Character I want them to play as I do not want to move out of my own Character from which I am not dealing the 'memories/thoughts' from

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I felt ashamed of my mother and what I saw clearly that she was trying to do To Me, by offering a range of memories as thoughts that I should/could have engaged so as to not upset her Character and convene that she was in fact right, instead of seeing and realizing I was ashamed of myself for having seen and realized in that very moment of her showing me how it's done, how I have in fact done this all my life to everybody as me when I felt threatened that I could be confronted as a Character and that I would have to step out of it and Change

I forgive myself for feeling guilty the next day after having this commotion with my mum as I saw that I myself have lived a life in which I have deliberately crucified people to their past as memory/thoughts, believing that guilt will excuse my behavior and that feeling guilty is 'good enough' so I don't have to address this Character in depth and let go of my chance to pile up and use ammo against others when I feel Character threatened and as I see fit, just to preserve myself into the Character that I have chosen to embody through my own participation in memories as thoughts that activate me as a Character of the Mind for which I would fight for, even though this Character is NOT Real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, even though I saw that I was not always the same Character throughout my Life or with different people, still assume and believe that the Characters I played had any value because I wanted to be real and like the Characters I played, and I did not know who I was when I was not in Character/playing a Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Stepping Out of Character with Loved Ones, because I feared that I would lose the support of my Mother, in the specific, instead of realizing that unless I do step out of Character I don't give her a chance to step out of her character, and while I pretend to do this for Love, I only do it out of Fear as I fear losing myself as the Character I can see I have to step out from which is 'The Daughter for whom the Opinion of her mother is Important but she pretends it's not'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Opinions Matter, even though I have seen and realized and understood that Opinions belong to Characters that I play, and that are NOT real, and that fighting to uphold opinions, mine or of someone else, means I am in Character and not Here in and as Breath were thoughts are NOT engaged and so  I do not step into a Character that holds an array of irrelevant opinions that when I am in Character I believe are important

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see how memories are in fact the thoughts that come up in picture form, as I saw the other day when I slowed myself down enough while my mum talked, and I saw how I could have stepped into any of these pictures/memories/thoughts and into a whole Character and in that moment I saw what I have been doing to others as myself, holding them prisoners of memories as thoughts/pictures so I could keep them in Character, blaming them for not letting me go, let me break free, while all the time it was me holding myself prisoner of my mind through memories/pictures/thoughts that delivered me straight into Characters, that fought for their life and their right to be free to exist

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was 'a Freedom Seeker' as a Character that I have made up to project outward my desire to break free from myself as the mind, yet failing to see that as a Character I can only Create other Characters, the Freedom that I sought and fought for was just another Character play of my 'Freedom Seeker Character' which I created in separation of myself as Freedom Here in and as Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the Words

Do you remember...

You said...

You told me once...

Last time I saw you...

I'll never forget the time...

I never said, did, thought ...

I thought you said/thought/meant...

as introductory lines to what I will be serving next, which is a memory as a thought, to establish the placement of a Character I wish to engage that I know engages with me in specific ways I feel comfortable with, so I do not have to face my fear to Change and let go of my Character play once and for all, to allow myself to expand, breathe and finally Live.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire isolation because parts of me had become too aware of this Character play and I perceived myself as lost between Characters that I did not know how to turn off or stop, as they were obviously ruling my life with my own permission and blessing, failing to see that the reason why I started All this Character Play was so as to not have to take responsibility for myself, and so every time I blamed someone/something outside of me for something I did not want to be responsible for, which was ME, I split myself into a Character to whom I myself gave power over me by stating She/Character was the one who did it, while I was not aware or looking, and since She/Character had power over me while I was not aware or looking, every time I was not aware or looking all the 'Shes/Characters' I had created would have a field day taking over me as The Mind while I felt abused and victimized and failed to see it was all my own doing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live a life in which I pretended to be alive while I let every Character I created take over my mind by activating them deftly through the recalling of a memory/thought that could bring up a whole set of Character-istics I would not have to think about, because I had stated clearly what each character was in charge of, which was whatever was the point that originally created the Character as my way of not taking responsibility for 'that point', and in this delegation galore, I had no Air Time for myself left to breathe, while my Characters competed for Life, for me as Life, as I sat back besotted and bruised everytime I came out of a Character play just to assess the damages and the consequences I would now have to walk, hopefully through another Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Consequences are bad as they come after having made a mistake, which is bad, and so when I realized I was ONLY living the consequences of my life and nothing else I saw no reason or desire to live and I wished I could in fact die and get it over with, instead of seeing and realizing that consequences are not good or bad, as I am not good or bad, nothing is good or bad, it is what it is, and if I in Self Honesty can see that my Life needs to change and I have to change to allow this change to happen, than all the miss-takes I made have been useful as they brought me to the point of self realization and the will to take self responsibility for myself and stand as Self Directive principle for myself and What is best for All for myself and all of existence, Equal and One

I commit myself to stop dealing in memories as pictures/thoughts that I offer to others to keep them and myself in Character, when and as I see the desire to use one of my delivering sentences that I have identified will be followed by a memory/thought/ I stop, breathe, check in self honesty what it is that I feel threatened by and remind myself anything threatening is a threat to the existence of a Character and therefore Not real, so I breathe myself back Here until I am stable before I share anything with someone

I commit myself to investigate the memories that flash through my mind as thoughts that I see I was about or moving to consider to use against another to keep them and myself in Character, to check what is the Character I was wishing to embody and why, and what are the Characteristics of that Character I have separated myself from and believed I can only live through a Character and not as myself s Life Here in every moment of Breath and use that moment to gather information to dismantle that Character through which I have separated myself from until the memory/thought no longer  flashes through my mind

I commit myself to stop my belief and fear that Consequences are bad, since Consequences is all I have at the moment to walk until I get myself out of the Mind as the Con-sequence generator, instead I take the Consequences as a point I can use  to support myself to walk a path of self correction, having brought into my Life the clear result of what was the consequential path of each character I have lived and embodied and reminding myself each moment why it is necessary that we stop this excuse of an existence to embrace ourselves as Life in Oneness and Equality

I commit myself to stop all judgements about my Characters that stand in the way of my seeing clearly what is going on when I step into a Character or when I see myself desiring to Step into a Character through the flashing of memories/picture presentations of distorted moments of the past that seem so inviting yet I can clearly recall for each moment the consequential side of what they offer as alluring, so I can stop my existence in and as a Character and return myself to Life in and as Breathe for myself and All of existence Equal and One

Day 78: 'Fuck it', My favourite Character

It's been a bit challenging to contain the outflow of the new thoughts regarding this 'Character' perspective, it seems a bit daunting as well having to face all of the thoughts as Characters.

But then I saw that we have been given a lead with the Character perspective, a way to use Characters to pull together thoughts  under specific Character Umbrella, as Characters are the Corporations managing our Relationships and resources as Energy.

Some of this work was outlined a long time ago by Assagioli, an Italian M.D. who wrote the Theory of Psychosynthesis and of the Subpersonalities/Characters.
At the time no one had a fleeting clue about how it would be possible to delete subpersonalities/Characters, so Dr. Assaggioli offered 'Character management' Theories, designed to establish how much 'Air Time' should each Character/Personality get during the day and when, as to not mine the smooth flow of an apparently normal life.

Of course this was impossible, no matter how much one committed to become a good Orchestra Director and manage all of the instruments toward a symphony, some players would just step out of line,  sing out of tune in and at their own leisure and just do their own little number when least expected.

Assaggioli tried to get the Soul to step in for help, which did not work either as the Soul, like all the rest, was ultimately unreliable, the Origin was unreliable, the Director/Soul was ultimately just another Character.

What has been created by unreliability could never turn into something reliable, not in a million years (oh wait, we have actually PROVEN this point, since we kept coming back again and again and we have not become any better at managing ourselves and our own Corporations as Characters/Personalities), in fact if there was space for it, we have proven that the fuck ups can be endless and the looping in circles can take unexpected twists and turns and ultimately deliver us back where we started, to ourselves as the Characters we kept hoping we could fool and move away from, once we decided we no longer liked one 'of us' or agreed with one of us/Me but no matter how far we went, everything and everyone came along, it's surprising how can we ever feel lonely given the Psychotic brigade we carry along, and maybe we would stop feeling Alone if we stood Here and took a good look at how many of Us, how many Mes are always really around.

The reason why I had a bit of excitement about this Character perspective is because I like organizing, one of my favorite things, I like filing as well, so now is to apply the opposite of filing, it is to pick up a label, a definition of myself, that can even be a thought and look underneath what is there, what keeps this thought, personality alive, where did it start, it's possible that if I get the label right, everything will be filed under it, linked to it, connected through threads of relationships of memories, emotions and feelings and I can use my own filing system to undo myselves, isn't what the Mind is after all, an organizing ensemble of thoughts, emotions and feelings that we call experiences and then we define the experiences and they became 'Our Life' and Who We are, until we stop it, stop the Illusion of Separation and the desire to be More within the search for the More of me and the More than Here, and just see, We were always Here from the very beginning, until and unless we were not.

So, I want to start this deconstructing exercise with 'Fuck it', I don't have a specific name for this Character of Mine but this would be the sentence that defines it the most.

Of the many characters of mine this is one of the Most devastating, it is the one the leads the dance to the Rock Bottoms of My Life, the Pied Piper that has defined Life specifically as the Desire for More of something, anything, as long as it's toxic, numbing, exciting or destructive.

The origin of this character is in my perception of uselessness and defeat, whenever I have faced one of these 2 points in my Life 'Fuck it' steps in and takes over with my blessing and permission.

'Fuck it' is Fearless, never wonders or evaluates consequences be them on my physical body or on my mental balance, 'Fuck It' likes it hard, 'Life' to the fullest, the extra drink, the most damaging Spirit, the joint that will make me faint, the sex that won't allow me to sit straight for a couple of days, 'Fuck it' is Brave and careless, when Fuck it steps in sadness goes out of the window, it's the stepping onto the roller coaster for that extra kick, the careless life, the breeze in the hair.

I don't have one good memory of Life after ''Fuck it', today as I was looking at this point I saw that Characters exist in duality as well, 'Fuck' it has an antagonist, it's 'That's It'.

'That's It' steps in after the ravaging of 'Fuck It' is over, to pick up the pieces, 'That's It' takes me out of the rock bottoms of my life, it's a responsible Character, not self responsible, there is no Self in any of the two, One is the Law Breaker, One is the Re-Aligner, both have the system as a guideline, I am nowhere to be seen whenever One of the two is active I am just not Here and mostly not even breathing in and as awareness.

'Fuck it' has had a lot of Air Time in my Life and is a Character I have treasured, the Happy-go-Lucky (to nowhere), the uplifter (from imaginary downs) and generally my Alter Ego, the One that I could always walk after and apologize for, because I was just too ..... whatever to be self responsible for my thoughts, words and deeds, it seems like a Shame to let it go, how will I hide my lack of self responsibility when 'Fuck it' won't be around anymore ?

Today 'Fuck It' showed up for some Air Time, I gave in, together we went on a carbo break and topped it with an ice cream, none of these foods is supportive to me as the physical especially in this moment, it's time to say goodbye and let this Character go, it's an abusive relationship turned sour.

'Fuck It'.

Thoughts connected to this Character

You only live Once

Might just as well

Who cares

Enough is enough

Sometimes you have just go to....

A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down (Mary Poppins)

Forget about it

Moving on

Feelings and Emotions

Sadness, Joy, Anxiety, Longing for something, Fear

Identified Circumstances for activation

Sense of Defeat, Desire for a Reward not received, Perception of Uselessness/Hopelessness

Will write out the relative Self Forgiveness Tomorrow on the points I have exposed to myself.

Day 64: Possessed by the Desire for Positivity

Until I was in my late 20 I had quite a negative outlook on the World and existence as it basically made no sense, until one day a friend gave me a book by Louise hay called 'You Can Heal your Life'.

This book was about Positive Thinking, I tried it out and it worked, it made ME feel better, it did nothing to the World around me but I just Thought about it differently.

The book was clear about that as well, it will just change Your World, but anyway, that is The Only World You Have Power Over, so give up the Fight, embrace the world as it is and make It Work for You.

This came as quite a revelation, not because by that age I still believed I mattered in any way as far as changing the world, a point I had already given up about because I saw that Money ruled and I did not have enough to make any difference, but because I felt finally authorized to not give a fuck, which is basically what Positive Thinking and Law of Attraction are Teaching, just Think about Yourself and you will be fine.

From then on, my Life was spent looking for the Positive Thoughts that would give me a Positive Feeling, I believed Abraham Hicks when they said that Feelings are our guidance system, until one day I found a crack in the Teachings of Abraham, when he said that our lives are 99% already designed (by us and the accumulation of our desires), there is just 1% missing. Are Feelings than the Reward for following the Predesigned Path ? And who has designed it, it cannot be MY desires because a lot of people are desiring Food everyday in this world and They are Just Not Getting It.

Then I found Desteni, it was like an ice cold shower from Hell, it DID NOT make me feel good, not even close, yet it made sense, more than anything that I had blindly embraced on my search to fulfill my own energetic experiences.

How did I walk out from my Possession to Positive Feelings ? One step at the time, overcoming one horrific news after another as I got back in touch with the world and reality, which is One, Here on the Planet we all Share, and with each piece I put together I left positivity behind...just to swing into the Negative Polarity, because Energy is All I have known so far and so I am still walking out of me as Energy, one step at the time, one Breath at the time, supporting myself with writing and applying Self Forgiveness to severe my ties to all the energetic constructs I have subscribed to and created, because this world Must Change, and if our Egos of Delusions and Separation, that gave birth to self interest, spite and fear of survival, are fueled and kept alive by Energy, it is necessary to leave it all behind so I can realign myself to Oneness and Equality to manifest a World That is Best for All, as Life, Equal and One.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be disgusted at this world and this existence and for wishing that I was never born

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from this creation to the point that I cannot see or remember how all this came about, and I am now walking backward to understand this construct with the support of the Desteni Material

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to not have to face the Consequences of what we have set in motion by our abdication of Life in Oneness and Equality to Energy and Energetic relationships

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel overwhelmed by the task of taking on the Mind instead of reminding myself that it is a commitment to no longer engage my thoughts, feelings and emotions to define who I am and that it is a Time based process that will require Patience

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embrace the belief in positive thinking as quick way out of the mess of energy I have accepted and allowed myself to become, because feeling 'good' is better than 'feeling bad'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'feeling good' is better then 'feeling bad' failing to see that feeling good means is more acceptable as one is just less prone to disturb others energetically and has accepted its own placement in the world and the world as it is being less of a nuisance to society

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that positive thinking is just the acceptance that everything is fine 'as it is' and nothing requires to be done, while everything in the physical is showing the exact contrary

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel relieved when I finally found someone that said it was Ok to not give a shit about the world, instead of seeing I felt relieved because somewhere inside of me I knew it was not, since the world is Me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the physical to such a point that I no longer perceive the World as me, as One and Equal,, and within this separation I have made it harder for myself to see how everything I think and say and do has consequences I have never taken into consideration before and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider anyone but myself and for seeing myself as a separate individuality disconnected from everyone else

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Desire to feel positive in fear of feeling negative and in fear of judging myself as a negative person, because I perceive the positive people to be more liked and accepted than the negative ones

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop positivity as a personality that is more likable and appreciated and has more value than a negative personality that makes everyone feel bad and is NOT pleasant to be around, instead of seeing and understanding that whatever movement another has within has nothing to do with me, as everything that happens inside of me is only my responsibility and no one else's

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire a positive personality as a way to inspire and manipulate good feelings in the ones around me in fear of not being accepted having believed that what others feel and experience is my doing as I have blamed others for what I experienced, as their doing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself into seeing the positive when only the negative was there, failing to see that both positive and negative are born out of my own definitions and judgements and that reality is what is, unless I define it within a polarity system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define, categorize and label everything within my life as negative or positive according to how 'it made me feel' instead of seeing that how I feel has nothing to do with what is happening outside of me, but is ruled by my own memories, thoughts, ideas and definitions of everything that exists within a polarity frame

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ruled by memories, thoughts, ideas and definitions within a polarity framework of my own creation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I don't 'feel anything' I am dead, a zombie, a robot, instead of seeing and realizing that I am dead and a robot when I accept and allow myself to live a life that is in fact ruled by my own self created Polarities, in which I swing from positive to negative until I consume myself and the world around me as the consumer of Life I have become

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist letting go of Energy as Who I am, and for pacifying myself with negative energy as a way to not feel guilty for feeling positive now that I have landed into reality and had to face the World as My Own reflection as what it has become, instead of stopping all polarities and my own existence as an Energy Creator to stand for Life as One, as Equal, for What is Best for All.

I commit myself to stop my participation in thoughts, feelings and emotions, both positive and negative and to be aware of when I am quietly moving back into participation as a habit, as my own definition of what being alive is, so I can experience what being alive and being Here is all about, Breath by Breath, until I accumulate Self Here in and as Breath, in consistency and Self Trust for What is Best for All.

Day 57: I am not My Memories

“I am not my memories. I am my dreams.” ~ Terry Hostetler

Today I will look at the point of 'Being my Memories'.

Most of my Life I have tried to build 'good memories' to file, I have believed that Good Memories were a treasure, a space I could go back to when nothing seemed to work.

I never realized before that Memories in fact just Bind You, while I looked for a picture I found one that said exactly that, Memories That Bind You, Family Legacies, here is One of the Dictionary definition of Legacy:

Something handed down from an ancestor or a predecessor or from the past

Handed down, or transmitted.

So Memories are hands down from the past, they are not Life, they exist only in and as our Mind, hopefully filed to generate all over AGAIN, the good feelings that we felt when that event took place and we filed it for the first time, we file intentionally memories as experiences that were 'worth living'.

Then we have a truckload of the ones we did not seem to file intentionally, they just 'got filed, I have still many of these, they pop up with a life of their own, they have associations with words, images, emotions, the negative ones, because the ones I did not Intend to File are the Bad Memories, the Ones I wished I had not filed at All, yet I did not seem to have a choice, I have existed just as a Polaroid, snapping pictures at every Blinking of My Eyes, taking in everything as an Experience, transforming Life into Energy for my addiction, so I could feel Alive, I could always go back to my memory database and prove to myself that YES, I did live, look at my memory database, I existed, experienced, smelt, touched, tasted, felt a feeling or an emotion and then filed the package, I called it Experience, I called this being Alive.

Is this LIFE ?

And are we Really in charge of our Memories or actually since the filing has never taken place intentionally, no matter what we like to believe, is the process of Memory Filing something we have any control over, are we the Memories Keepers or are The Memories the Keepers of Us ?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I could pick and choose which memories I would keep when I could see this was not true, because I have used memories to define Who I Am, and I wanted to believe I was in charge of my 'Who I am' Memory based experience

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am my past and that the past as memories created who I am, abdicating my responsibility to define Who I am through a Self Directive decision that is aligned to What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treasure the memories that made me feel good about myself not willing to let them go in fear that if I could not look back into me as memories as a way to feel good, I would just be feeling bad all the time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to file good memories as a way to make sense of this shitty existence instead of realizing that it was because I feared this shitty existence of myself as myself that I had a need to file good memories to dig through when I would hit a bad patch

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear feeling bad and the negative polarity of the good feelings as bad/negative emotions because I believed I was not in control of what I accepted and allowed within me as thoughts and the emotions and feelings that derived from it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value memories more than Breath, because I did not see that Life was Here in every moment of Breath and one of the things that separated me from Life was my Memory Database that I treasured above Life Here in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the negative memories that popped up uncalled showing me that I was in no way in control of my memory database no matter what I liked to believe and for not investigating what were memories and how this filing came about while I was busy finding reasons and purposes that made living worthwhile

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that a life experience is real just because I have memories to prove that I have in fact lived, failing to see that Life cannot be a string of hands down from the Past and that I was always living in the Past, either the one I was happy to have filed as 'good past memories' or the one I was NOT happy to have filed as in 'bad past memories'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Life is an experience that is proved by the filing of memories that can be retrieved at will to prove the experiences as Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept to hold on to the bad memories in fear I will have to let go the good ones as well and I will be left with nothing because I have defined Life as Memories and not Life as being Here in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate my Past as the source of the memories that I did not intend to file, instead of seeing that I hate my Past because I blame it for who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to become and within this blame I gave up my self directive principle to decide that I am Not My Past and the Pictures that I have filed as a consequence of living in and as separation from Breath Here in every moment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I would never be able to erase the memories that I never intended to file because I did not have the tools of self honesty and self forgiveness, instead I see now that I can let this fear go because when I see a memory pop up I can look at it, investigate it, see how and why I filed and self correct the moment of separation of that particular relationship to realign it to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my past and for believing that my past is who I am and that my past can define me without my acceptance and allowance to be defined by my past

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and speak and believe that people don't change because I could not see myself changing no matter what I did, believing that once we had a past the past was ruling who we are, instead of seeing the past can only rule us if we accept it and allow it, having given to the Past power over and above Self, failing to see that the Past is energy based and not Life and that Life Here in the Physical in every moment of Breath doesn't rely on the Past as Experience of Relationships and that the past can be corrected to be realigned to Life as What is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my Past is too vast to be taken on, instead of seeing I have always played out the same few patterns, which is the point of having lived in and as The Past, and that I am applying Self Forgiveness to severe my Energy connections to the Past so I can rewrite myself in and as What is Best for All, stopping my existence in and as The Past of Memories and Experiences that keep repeating over and over ad nausea

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live my Past over and over again and for believing that it was Life as it was supposed to be, because everyone around me embraced the belief that 'it is our Past that shaped us and made us who we are' as if it was something to treasure after all, so I could justify why I would not let go even the shitty Past because my Past was Who I am, failing to see that within a Past of Self Abuse and Abuse there is nothing to treasure and that my willingness to give it up for Life and What is best for All must be absolute, to receive my own Absolution from and as my Past

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my Past instead of seeing I lived my Past as a Mind Consciousness System, lost in and as The Mind, and that there cannot be Blame for who I have been but the decision to Stop who I have been in the realization that who I have been was not One and Equal to Life but One and Equal to Energy and the energetic experiences I held on to feel 'alive', missing out on Life Here in and as the Physical in every moment of Breath

I commit myself to Stop my existence in and as Memories, looking for the memories that come up in self honesty and what they are related to, so I can release them through Self Forgiveness and Self corrective application and start living Life, that is not Energy, but Here in the simplicity of every moment of Breath, One and Equal to everything that exists.