It's not working for me.
Last night I read the article about what is going on in Delhi and the demonstrations that have taken to the streets, I breathed through reading it but I could feel the Rage, I'm sick and tired of this world of violence and I am especially reactive to blatant acts of abuse against women, I have been beaten once in my life and all the beliefs I had about standing up and giving him some, pow pow, a good uppercut, kick in the balls etc, flew out of the window at the first slap he gave me which made me fly over the bed and in a moment I realized how much bullshit we hold in our minds about reality and who we are, would be in a situation we have never faced, gotta live it to know it.
I should be equally outraged for all violence and learn to breathe through it all because we have a lot coming still before we can put some common sense in out little heads that this is no way to live, but violence against women and Rapes still hits a chord, it's the point that we are not a match in strength, I know for a fact, that makes me angry and brings up the same anger I felt for myself when I got beaten up, as if it was my fault that I did not see it coming and how I let myself down, not being the hero I imagined I was and would be.
So thoughts of how to harm those people came up, they must PAY, we don't have an Equal Money System for reeducation yet, an Eye for an Eye seemed to work quite fine within my mind last night, get them, hang them, obliterate them, whatever, just delete them from existence. Make an example out of them.
I woke up this morning and the Delhi incident was still in my Mind, so here I am writing about it to clear some of the fog and the suppressed and poorly disguised rage.
I have been to India a few years ago on a trip to an Ayurvedic centre, down in the southern province of Kerala, I was told to bring conservative clothes, and in my mind I chose the most conservative clothes I had, jeans and tee shirts, no skirts or sleeveless tops, but on my arrival I was told that 'I couldn't go out dressed that way', because it was not about how much skin you show, it's the shape, the shape is enough to arouse men, the resort owners assigned me a bodyguard to walk to the shops after my first outing on a bike turned out to be quite a stressful experience as men surrounded me in flocks and asked 'Please, what's your name?' in a choir of indistinguishable scary voices and I feared for my safety.
In 2 days I already hated being there, I was told I could not rent a car and drive around -Lady, you are not in London-, that I would have to have a driver AND a chaperon to guarantee for MY behaviour, the chaperon to guarantee I was not fucking the driver at any time, it was for my own reputation -please understand-.
I adapted and wore the traditional Indian attire of trousers and a long dress on top, long sleeved, I only took baths in the resort in a one piece white swimming suit, we were on the border of a lake so dirty that my swimming suit was never white again but a hue of slimy grey, who knows what they threw in the lake, who cared as well, in a country where the levels of poverty are so high it's hard to not notice.
The Patriarch of the place where I staid was a Muslim gentleman, his granddaughter asked me to teach her to swim and I said fine, but the grandfather said "ONLY in her dress", she would never be allowed in a swimming suit, I declined the teaching as I told him no one can learn to swim in a lake where the water is 'heavier' than sea water and doesn't help buoyancy in a long dress that when wet would weight more than her body weight, to which he replied that then it was a no go, no decent Indian woman would wear a swimming suit, this was the reason why there was no Indian Female Olympic teams, until that day I never noticed.
I am Italian, no one is possibly more famous than Italian men for bothering women, but it was not even close to what I experienced in India, the ganging up was especially unsettling, on my arrival the son of the patriarch as he walked me into my room and put my bags down, closed the door and pushed me against the wall and tried to kiss me, it took me a moment to realize What he was trying to do my mind lacked any reference to such behaviour and I could not read his intentions until I was against the wall and had to fight him off, I told him I would tell his Father and he better never come close to me again, his reply was to not act so 'innocent', that he lived in Dubai for 2 years and watched lots of 'Blue Movies' and he KNEW, for a FACT, that THIS was what Western women wanted, ALL OF THEM.
I am not sure if there is something going on between the culture of suppression/repression and those sexual assaults in India, what I know is that the whole culture is geared toward teaching women to Not Get Raped, as IF, as IF it was in their hands, because any excuse would do, 'you looked at me, you had your hair down, your ankle was showing,' basically quite plainly 'you wanted it'.
As I come myself from a culture of repression in which men's behavior is mostly justified, a blatant example was in 2008 when a 15 years old girl was gang raped by 8 boys, ranging from 15 to 23 years of age, in a village and the major put up the money for the boys' defense until Italy's women took to the streets and forced him to withdraw his offer under public outrage. But the interviews that followed to the elder women of the village talked about how this girl 'deserved it' how she was not a good girl because she had already had sex prior to this incident -whore- that was consensual though did not make a difference, she had already been 'used', was not 'new' so to speak, and yet the women of the village stood up for the boys, all coming from good families, those things could happen to anybody, good boys overall, really, gentlemen rapists.
The country divided on the issue which ended in no accountability for the boys, the village reaching out to them offering jobs and support, and the girl shunned and forgotten for having brought shame to the village, dirty clothes should be washed at home, how did she dare go public and turn this into a national case?
It was obviously her fault, she should have kept her mouth shut, where is HER decency?
This just to say that India has just been brought to the limelight in the wake of the last recent event, as women felt a line had been crossed when a woman who had to be operated and her intestines had to be removed due to the ferocious attack and penetration with rods, should not go unpunished.
I am enraged, as a woman and as a member of this society, where sex has turned into just another weapon to harm, diminish, overpower, humiliate each other and it is not about sex anymore because it's all a gender Mind Game that we are playing for an apparent supremacy, looking at who can do the most harm and get away with it and we go back to what we teach to women, to not get raped, to not expose themselves to this risk, to keep their place, cover up, walk unattractively possibly loop sided, cover the hairs, the ankles, the arms, do what you have to do to not arouse men, even though nobody knows for certain how THAT happens since any man has its own kinks, as no one wants to take responsibility for what goes on in our individual minds that justify such acts, that justify the gentlemen rapists who had the misfortune to find themselves in such situations and not ask ourselves why and how we breed these people and then defend them because if we didn't we'd have to ask ourselves tough questions about what are we doing, how are we educating children and young boys to hatred, because Rape is an act of hatred and not a sexual act, and we must stop excusing our hatred and our desire to harm each other, take a good hard look at what we have become and STOP.
This world is not working, it will continue this way unless the whole system changes, women have done enough being victims, when I read that women in Delhi celebrated their being recognized as Victims I wondered if we even understand what that means, as while we win our right to our own victim-hood we accept that this will go on, as Victims need Abusers to exist, instead of standing up to no longer be victims, choosing a system that supports Life and that it will make sure everyone will be reeducated into supporting each other to crate a New World, where violence ends for good and that will only be possible within a system of accountability, which is not Capitalism as the abdication of our self responsibility, but a system of Equals standing as self responsibility for what goes on inside of us that spills over in our World and in tragedies such as this.
So, to the Women of this world, stand up, we are victims of our own acceptances and allowances, we don't have to live this way, asking 'off with their heads' after crimes have been committed is too late, no one will give the intestines back to the last girl that was attacked, some consequences are irreversible and we have to live with them until we say til here no further and stand for a Global Change.
And to the men of this World, the rapists, the gentlemen rapists, the rapist in denial, the women beaters, the ones who think to throw acid on women's faces or have already done so, pull yourselves together, this is no way to live, no one can have self respect that harms others because we are One and what we do to another we do to ourselves, it's time to STOP, get help, support yourself to stop the Self Hatred, the Hatred, we Can Change one breath at the time.
Prevention is the Best Cure, check out Equal Money for a world of Equals to put an end to all violence and all crimes of Hatred once and for all so we may create a world that works for All and manifest Heaven on earth for everyone, instead of this sorry excuse for an existence we have to endure each and every day.
SAY STOP by casting your Vote for Life
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react to the Delhi incident as if it was more or less important than any of the violence that goes on every day in the world, just because I am a woman
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel righteously outraged and for indulging in the desire to harm the perpetrators just as much as the harm they have inflicted on this girl whose intestines had to be removed as a consequence of their gang raping her
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get angry at myself for when I did not stand up for myself, victimizing myself into a position of worthlessness for not having been able to defend myself and for harboring hatred for men who harm women because we are not even in strength and they abuse the physical advantage that they have and for this hatred I held on to, I forgive myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that violent men are a product of our violent society and that we are walking the consequences of what we sowed and that the whole world will have to change for us to realign to Oneness and Equality and what is best for all and all hatred be forsaken as we learn to forgive ourselves and each other for what we have done against Life in our pursuit of self interest and self gratification, no matter what
I commit myself to, when I read news about violence against women, to stop and breathe, do not participate in reactions that underline our victimization but to learn to stand as a stable point in and as Breathe as Change will only come for All as we move beyond reactions through forgiveness of our past, our own and and each other's abuses, to create a world that works for All and supports Life and all Living beings in all its forms.