I have been a very loved woman. From afar.
Even though I have taken on the point of 'Love' before, it was more to release myself from some of my Cultural beliefs but I had not realized the Nature and truth of Love as clearly as in this past week, as I revisited in my Life the Hows of all the 'Love' declarations I received in my life, either openly or in more concealed, 'in between the lines' ways. With openly I meant the times a man just came out and plainly told me or wrote it to me and the second case would be when it was hinted, implied, built into the words expressed but not an absolute in your face "I Love/Loved you".
As this point opened up, my Mind offered a dolly shot of all the times I was the "object" of a man's love, obviously as Gian's wrote once, it was mainly the play out of a cultural exchange we believe we have to go through for Sex, so many men would just use that point as the 'passpartout' into a woman's bedroom, but this could not happen unless the woman was equally pre-programmed and then self-programmed to crave for this 'declaration' as a point of self worth and self importance that allowed the bedroom door to open, hopefully 'diminishing' the fear that she will be used, or judged or left afterward, when men wake up and find their interest just gone, as 'what they really wanted' and got, extinguished the fake flame of "Love", if it was ever there to start with and they were not just blatantly manipulating by saying it, just as much as we manipulated ourselves by believing it.
Did we get the drift as women about how ridiculous this is yet? How would simple words such as 'I love you' be a guarantee of anything, including someone's 'honest' intentions for intimacy and getting to know another better, what substance do they carry if they are not lived out?
And doesn't the word Love immediately evoke Fear at the same time? Isn't the declaring Love a space in which one, if one cares to self investigate', will move immediately into the Fear of not being loved anymore? Is Love Fear after All?
When I was married I said 'I Love you' many times, to the point that I was asked to stop because 'it didn't sound real anymore', it was hurtful to hear this, but True.The reason why I said 'I Love you' so many times was because I didn't, I couldn't bring myself to the kind of excitement that I had associated with Love, plus as I said in my previous blogs, many of the cultural elements I had imprinted myself with as the 'defnition of Love' were missing, such as Possessiveness, Jealousy and ownership, hence it seemed necessary to fill those gaps with meaningless words as a layer of projected stability and forever-ness, the hope that if I kept repeating them they would come true, 'I love You' was my act of atonement for the self dishonesty with which I walked into my marriage and the very point that increased the self dishonesty I lived within it.
How utterly meaningless the words 'I love you' are was just brought home recently, to a deeper level than what I understood as I first begin walking this Process of Self Correction.
Back to the first line, I was loved a lot, a lot a lot, mostly and specifically when I was NOT around.
Isn't this weird?
If Love was real, wouldn't you Love more the "object" of Your Love when they are around then when they are not? Wouldn't Love be the commitment to each other to support each other unconditionally that doesn't even require those words to be expressed as both partners live them in their relationship as themselves, instead of a fantasy that generates a feeling that one goes off and lives in his/her own Mind, wouldn't Love Require the other person to be around at least, if Love was About The Other One at all?
But it is not. And this is why I was loved Best from Afar and I myself loved best and most from afar. Because you need 'the object and subject' of your Love to Not Be Around, as when they do they in fact stand in the way of our ability to generate this feeling which is based on a self created fantasy and so one can go and write poems and songs that are ethereal, eternal, untouched by the physical reality of things, unsoiled, and they can last forever, just as long as reality doesn't come in the way with its pettiness of having to adjust to sharing a space and make time work for both, working on how physical support can be given to each other, working on becoming considerate lovers, sharing responsibilities in the physical that have nothing to do with 'your aura like a dawn, your eyes like starry skies, your heavenly smell and how You make me feel' because no one is making us feel anything, all those things are self created which should be blatantly clear when we see that this "Love' we talk about and write about and sing about doesn't require the presence of another at all.
The best letters I received from my ex husband were prior to living together, the fantasy ended when I moved in, my first love asked me to marry him when I left to go back to Italy through a heartbreaking letter but I said NO, when I went back for him a few years later he said NO and then spent many more years writing about me.
Did that change my life in any way? NO. I didn't even know about it, but 'THAT was not the point, silly', I was un-required, inconsequential and furthermore blatantly demeaning to the fantasy had I ever showed up.
Which it did happen and I had the impression that while on one hand there was a moment of excitement, there was little to say because we never built a relationship or intimacy and so it was in fact the meeting of two strangers and possibly I did not play it out as well as in the self created fantasy, I did not give all the right answers, the right props to feed the fantasy and the awkwardness of Love coming to face with reality was palpably there, I was an uninvited guest in my own 'Love Story', piss off, let me Love you, please, don't come and spoil it all for me, will ya.
Was Love of any support through my Life for myself or others, both the one I was informed about and the one I informed others about? NO
Is Love selfish then? Absolutely. Love as a feeling is what I create for myself as a 'feel good experience' for which I in fact use another as a point of focus, so I can get to that experience I crave for, it doesn't include another, should You stick around too long, soon or later I will see something in You that I don't like in me and blame you for it and then My Love will come to an end, I would hate that, so please, I beg you, don't stick around.
Tomorrow I will walk this Love Character both from the giving and the receiving side of it to commit myself to stop my separation from Love as a word with no practical application in the physical, to redraw myself into Love beyond the selfishness of the positive experience I sought for myself with no regards to how could I live it as an expression of me, Equal and One for All, in and as a physical practical application of Self.