Day 88: The Rejected Character Self Forgiveness and Self Commitment

Follow up From Yesterday's Post

Memories of rejections and Myself stepping into this Rejection Character

My mum saying she did not love me at first sight

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a memory of my mum saying that she did not love me at first sight, allowing myself to feel diminished comparing myself to the children that I heard were loved at first sight, and within this sadness and diminishment I created enough energy to embody the Character as me, the Rejected as me, failing to see I was walking into a family Character and that I wanted to believe I was rejected so I would have a point of friction with my mother through which I could generate energy for myself as the Mind and that with time I have manipulated this memory, to make it more than just a point my mother shared to express herself about her not having immediately engaged 'The Mother' Character, yet I took it personally and turned myself into the experience of 'Rejection' that I created again and again to point out to myself that this was what I was accepting and allowing in and as myself and yet I missed the point and lived out my rejections in Full Character and for this I FORGIVE MYSELF

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that having Character was a good thing, that showed the determination of someone and how specific they were about Who They Were, failing to see it was just the expression of how well One pretended to be a specific Character everyone had subscribed to and approved of  and that 'having Character' didn't mean to Be Real

I commit myself to let go and delete this memory of me of my mum saying that she had not loved me at first sight, that I have used to abuse myself within and as The Creation of the Rejected Character, so I could start Building some Characters into my Characters file to define myself by, so I could participate in this Character play with others in which I would uphold and confirm their Characters as long as they did the same for me and my Character and I commit myself to stop living a life of Characters to return Here in and as Breath to birth myself as Life in the Physical

My mum standing up for other kids against me

I forgive myself for, after having filed and imprinted the memory of myself as 'rejected' walking through life attempting to validate this memory as me seeking for experiences that I could manipulate into an idea of rejection so I would bring back the Rejected within me and feel victimised by external events and people and that I deserved better than the family I had, so I dreamed about Mary Poppins and when she would be flying to My Home, since it was clear (as I convinced myself) that I was an abused child that someone should take care of me, creating the premises for the Character of 'Someone Must Take care of me/Someone Must Save Me' that led to my Desire to believe in a saviour, in a God that was more powerful than Me to come and Save me, failing to see myself as the Creator of my experiences and the Characters I played out

I commit myself to delete this memory of me and let it go for good as I see and realize memories are not me as who I really am, but foundation blocks of Characters that I embody through memories that keep me in the past that I now let go, the Past is Over

My mum standing up for her boyfriend vs me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to file a memory of my mum standing up for her boyfriend instead than for me, when I can clearly recall beyond my own memory manipulation that both myself and her boyfriend competed for the attention and support of my mother, me as the Character of the beloved daughter and he as the Partner, pulling her every one way just to prove who among us was the most important, picking hideous points in opposition to each other to force my mother to make choices to confirm Who was most important between the two of us, proving that we never become adult as this was happening Equally between a child and an adult stuck into a child behaviour of tantrums for attention and validation as I myself am today, and for this I forgive myself and commit myself to stopping my energy tantrums.

I commit myself to let go and delete this memory of my mother standing up for her boyfriend only , when I can in fact remember that she tried to do a balancing act, but I only filed what I wanted to remember to validate my own Character of the Rejected One as the Victim of the situation so I could go into self pity and feel sorry for myself, creating imaginary energy credits for which I was owed something and within this setting up my own Energy investments, like equity funds, to be paid up later down the line by my debtors and for this I forgive myself and commit myself to stop my imaginary energy investments to bring myself back Here in and as Breath

My mum being angry at me and not talking to me for days

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to file and imprint myself with the image of my mum not talking to me for days, which I then played out in bits and pieces into my relationship as I saw within this Character of Her a point of Self Righteousness I wanted for myself as that seemed to accumulate energy credits quite fast within the energy banking system and for this I forgive myself for having embodied Self Righteousness as me to accumulate Energy Credits for myself on my Imaginary Energy Stock Exchange.

I commit myself to let go and delete this memory of my mother not talking to me for days, seeing and realizing I have always and only filed what I wanted ,and seen what I wanted to be able to support and manage my own Characters and my existence as a Character within an Energy play

My mum telling me 'go and think about it' so I would have to investigate what I did or said to upset her and until I got it she would not talk to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to file and imprint myself with this memory of my mum telling me 'go think about it' as a memory that proved that I was in fact 'rejected' in and at the moment she would say this, piling up moments such as this to confirm and validate the existence of myself as 'the Rejected' so I could justify my own reactions, emotions and feelings toward my mum that I wanted to hold on to, because they generated the friction I needed to exist as energy, proving I was never standing as the Solution as Breath but equally participating within the friction of our relationship and for this I forgive myself

I commit myself to let go and delete this memory of my mum telling me to 'go think about it' as I see she did what she believed was right and we just moved along and passed on the damaged Characters of ourselves to each other in a sting of delusions and stupidity loops, forgetting that everything that is Here is Self as Me and instead keeping on the facade of being many with many Opinions and Characters to satisfy to be able to infact always live in a state of constant friction to generate the energy that kept the show alive, instead of stepping off the stage to start to Breathe to realize I am Here, I Breathe

My grandfather not wanting to talk to me when I run away from home at 17 and came back one year later from Ireland

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to file and imprint myself with the memory of my grandfather not talking to me because I ran away from Home and did not tell him or he would have stood in the way of my desire to just leave it all behind, and since he felt rejected as in not informed and not important he went on and played out the 'rejected one' that gets back through rejection as I myself did in my Life, pretending to not care when I believed and perceived I was, had been rejected or I was about to or in the vicinity of the possibility of being rejected and within this I forgive myself for playing the Rejected that Rejects Character as a pay back and squaring of the books of rejection, while I blamed others for what and how I experienced myself within my Rejection, never owning up to the point that whatever I experience within me as me is my responsibility and I can Stop it and correct it as myself through self honesty and self responsibility

I commit myself to let go and delete this memory of my grandfather who I perceived  rejected me for having been rejected and to see and realize that we have passed onto each other our diseased Characters and Role Playing of the Mind and that it is time to let go of the Past that if we carry will just loop us as Characters into the same life experiences, as Characters have a limited ability to create within Energy Plays, while stopping All Characters to become Equal to All Characters of the World will put an end to this game and bring us back Home to Equality and Oneness Here in and as Breath for Life and All of existence Equal and One

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play out again and again the Rejected Character, feeling and believing myself to be real as the Rejected Character when

when my boyfriend told me he was going back to his previous girlfriend

when my lover told me he was going back to his wife

when M. told me he was going back to his girlfriend and 2 children

when I Feared that my ex husband that regretted to have married me and wished he could reject me :) and when within this I forgive myself the fear of being rejected

when My ex husband did not come looking for me to take me back when I left home after 7 years of marriage

when My ex husband told me NO to sex or sleeping together because it would have 'complicated' things between us, when we were already separated one night that I was drunk and I made a fool of myself

when My best friend after I wrote a possessed letter to her and then tried to clumsily apologize  told me NO, basically, I no longer want you as my friend

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to BeLieve that those situation were a proof that I was in fact rejected and they would not/could not be disputed, while I argued with myself for my own limitations as the 'Rejected Character', looking and making up clues in other people's behaviors in support of my Character which was a Family heirloom and should not be given away or disposed of easily, because it came with a Life of memories of its own to which I just added my load to give it More Life and make me into this Character, trapping myself into rejections timeloops until I stood up to see, the only one rejecting me was myself as I never embraced myself unconditionally but lived in and as the judgement of me as the Rejected/Rejectable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for perceiving I had been rejected and then  shame because it must have been my fault since people do not go rejecting people around over nothing, failing to see, I was just 'in Character' always looking for people breaking points so I could finally be 'rejected' when they had enough, so I could fulfill myself in and as the Rejected, which then became one of the foundations for my Rebel Character ad on and on from one delusional Character to the next

I commit myself to stop all self abuse related to my ideas and beliefs of rejections, seeing realizing and understanding that "I', as I stand in and as Breath, don't have ideas or opinions, they belong to my Characters and that when I am debating regarding ideas and opinions I am NOT Here, I am in Character proving that I exist since I have all these things to show for my existence as ideas, beliefs and opinions so I must be Real, instead of seeing it is BECAUSE I am NOT real that I have piled up this arsenal of memories, ideas and opinions to make 'me' up and then 'live me out' as I literally consume myself as I try to Breathe in between all this stage fights among Characters looking for their own 'Air Time' while I suffocate myself as I don't see that sharing Air Time with Characters leaves me Breathless, thus NOT HERE and that I must be the One getting AIR TIME, ALL OF IT, for myself as the Physical to stop my existence of self abuse as Energy and within this, I commit myself to Breath as Life for myself and What is Best for ALL as existence, Equal and One

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think within my Secret Mind:

Fuck off, I don't need YOU I will show YOU ,You will see, You will regret it, You will miss me , You will never see me again, You'll never have another woman like me 

and for speaking the words : That's It, I'm tired of this shit, I don't have to take this shit, I don't give a shit, See if I care, I won't look back, You will never see me again, 

as I showed my fake indifference while inside I was full of reactions for my own perception of having been 'rejected or being about or in the vicinity of being rejected, suppressing my reactions so I could look careless and cool while I readied myself to leave, taking my things, packing up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel and suppress the fear of being rejected and the embarrassment at believing I could be or had been rejected as this would lead me to anger and then Self Pity for having been 'wronged' because how could anyone dare to reject me as I tried to make myself feel superior while I felt inferior, because the one who is rejected is less than the one that rejects and for then turning into a rejector, in fact rejecting everything and everyone before they could reject or think about , rejecting me which would put me again through this emotional sequence, failing to see it was never THEM abusing me but always ME abusing myself in and as the Character of Rejection, a bastard heartless Role that I commit myself to leave behind for good.

When and as I see myself engaging or about to engage in thoughts that I have now laid out as belonging identifying and defining this Rejected Character, I stop, Breathe, remind myself I am NOT this Character and I bring myself back Here in and as Breath, not giving in to the obvious power play that this Character offers me as the temptation of the Energy Game, but breathing myself back to Stability, supporting myself with The 4 Count Breath to no longer participate in and as the Character of The Rejected/Rejector

 I commit myself to stop playing the Rejected Character, I am NOT The Rejected Character nor any of the other Character I play that I commit myself to delete One by One until nothing of Me as Illusion and Deception Remains, for myself and what is best for All as Life as existence, Equal and One

Day 52: The Price of Inequality

I have been walking this point of Gender Inequality for some time now because I see it has been one of my favourite friction points that I have used to make myself feel more than men, while all the while fearing to be less, less in everything, included worth, just by birth.

For a couple of days I have been seeing a realization coming up about my beliefs of being a seductress and thus having All The Blame, in what went on between me and men, basically NOT giving them Equal Responsibility for our Relationships.

Funny because while I felt bad about it, I also felt MORE than them, first because I had the power to create such mess All By Myself and then because I was willing to take All The Blame.

What I missed about all this anger that I have carried for so many years against men about Them Always Having It Easy from Cradle to Grave and how we had to fight for Equality, was that this fight was only going on within and as myself, having accepted and allowed the beliefs of my culture about women vs men to become me, imprinting myself with the knowledge of our inferiority in everything from strength to wages (which was the biggest pisser), just to then turn into a Feminist in Garters, to show them who was Boss, through the Game of Sex and Seduction, ironic how I believed I was in charge of THAT at least !

 

The price of this was, that since I had become unwilling to give Men Equality within relationships in my balancing act attempting to not be squashed by the gender stereotype, where I had to be Boss, I ended up not even giving them the Equal responsibility of our mess ups.

You can't have your cake and eat it, want to be Boss ? Then it's all Your Responsibility, or you can become an Equal, and share the power and the responsibility.

It is the same in our world, we either stop to be more than others to become Equals or we have to pay the Price of our Choice, carry it all, the Blame and the Responsibility, instead of standing as Life One and Equal, sharing the World and our responsibility to ourselves and What is best for All.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame men for our gender inequalities, instead of seeing we are both born out of a system that designed us to play specific gender roles and no one is faulty or blamable but both responsible for standing in and as the Change to equalize ourselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear men and their power that I have believed to be greater than the power of women, instead of seeing I am always responsible for the dis-placement of my power outside of myself in separation from myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take pride in having fucked men around, because I saw this pride trait in men and I associated it with the greater power I believed they had over women, and  copycatted them to be like them, greater than them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to make men suffer for the faults of all men in the history of mankind and what they did against women, Instead of seeing the point of self responsibility and how since the beginning of time we have given it our power away within and as the 'idea and belief of the Stronger Man'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for all my gender play outs, instead of seeing I have been acting out my predesigned life and the stance I took within the role and design I accepted and allowed myself to play

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame men for the role they played within the world system, instead of seeing both genders as the twisted design born out of separation into inequalities and fears

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use men as my main point of friction, in which I would get a feeling of a high in and when I could 'beat them' within words to make myself feel more while I participated endlessly within the inferiority and superiority construct

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that I could never get what I was not willing to give and that not giving men Equal responsibility for our mutual fuck ups was my desire to not recognize their Equality to me and therefore I have never got to experience Equality within my relationship with Men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Blame men for the Inequality I believed existed due to their having been born in a situation/position of privilege, instead of realizing that it was the Equality that I was not willing to share within our responsibility for the way our Relationships turned out that led me to experience Inequality at every level of every relationship with men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my issues of Inequality outside on the easy target of gender, instead of seeing I was living Inequality as me, within me and that I would never be able to experience what I was not giving to myself first as Self as One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT see that I could NEVER get what I was not willing to give and for NOT giving what I desired to have to myself and to everyone Equally

I commit myself to walk the giving of everything I perceive I lack to myself first and foremost, to bring myself into Equality and Oneness with myself as Self as One and Equal, Stopping all the Blame for what I am not experiencing on the outside, because anything that I am not yet living or experiencing is because I have not yet given it to myself, as One as Equal, As Life and everything that exists.