Saturday, January 5, 2013

Day 235: Self Destruct Program - What if You survive It?

When I was young my mum told me tales about my eccentric father who used to say he believed he would die by when he was 33, like Jesus, but he didn't and had to face being here and having accomplished nothing with his life of lies and deceit.

I had another friend that used to tell me how she would die young, and she didn't.

For myself I never thought about that in the specific, about when I would die, but I started self destructing programs to make sure I did quite at an early age.
My first experience with drinking happened when I was a kid in my grandma's home, they had a liquor cabinet and one night when everyone had gone to bed, I opened it and took a sip out of each bottle, there were about 7 or 8, from sweet liquors to whiskies. After the 4th sip I was tipsy, after the 8th I was sick, went to bed and as I lay there my head started to turn and turn until I felt like falling in a black hole so I sat up on the side of the bed where I felt all the alcohol come up but did not make it to the bathroom, instead I threw up on my bedsheets and as clever kids do, I unmade the bed, took all the sheet to the small laundry room put them into the bathtub, open the water to cover them and went back to bed sick as a dog.
Amazing how sick as I was my first thought was to not ruin the bedsheets because THAT would have made grandma Really angry, the plan seemed faultless too, the next morning I would take them out of the bathtub and make my bed again and nobody would be the wiser (??)...

In the morning my grandma woke me up and asked me what happened the night before. 'Nothing', I remember her looking at me in silence and then she said 'where are your bedsheets?' and then the fog cleared a bit but I would have liked to deny some more if she hadn't said that she walked into the laundry and a smell of alcohol (and puke) was coming out of there. 
She laughed too, she said it was normal for kids to want to experiment and made no big deal about it, she said luckily grandpa was not at home, it would be 'our little secret'. 
I did not enjoy the aftermath, I was out of whack for a few days and didn't drink to that level for a few good years to come.

When I was in my first year of high school we went to a party, I suggested we buy some Sambuca and at the party I pushed everyone to drink straight from the bottles, the party ended when some friend put me on the bus and took my to my best girlfriend who worked at an hairdresser shop, I was crying and stood outside of her window, she run out to discover I was just drunk and told me to wait and we would go home together when she was done. I cried all the way back home on the bus, while I told out loud my 'sad story' and when we got home and my mum saw me she told me 'go to bed or I'll kill you' but she didn't kill me, not even the next day.
My family run on hidden self destruct programs, no one had the guts to take a position when I first played out what had been going on in secret within all their lives.
Alcohol had consequences though, headaches, depression, and lousy after parties, it was when I discovered pot that I envision self destruction with no consequences, as IF, and embraced that lifestyle with a passion.

It was only later in life that I realized my Pot habit did come with consequences too, BIG ones, as I spent most of my life off the planet and at every landing I would have to fix whatever I had destroyed, attempted to destroy or was in the process of destroying, some things I couldn't even fix afterward, they were just done and gone for good.

I have given up pot, but not this habit to self destruct, it comes in subtly, one damaging action at the time that I excuse, disregard, brush away, until I am in full blown self destruct mode.

One point that fuels this is that I still hold a definition of Life having no value, I have already written about waking up from some of my binges and discovering with dismay that I was still here, yesterday as I walked home and looked at this point I realized I harbor guilt as well, for not having developed some sickness like diabetes, because I have lived a life leading there or something else, it's like I can't match the gratefulness I should feel for the resilience of my body, it's too big a debt, it's too late, I will never be able to repay my body for all of the abuse I put it through and so what do I do, ironically? I'll do some more to prove that I was not worth saving, let me go please, just to wake up in my groundhog life, another bloody day.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I was a kid and I experimented with alcohol to the point of making myself sick not see, realize and understand that I was playing out the hidden patterns of self destruction of my family and for believing that the desire to Self destruct was who I really am

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I was a kid, imprint myself with the idea that I was the desire to rebel and to associate self destruction to an idea of rebellion, of not wanting to fit in, and that by self destructing I was asserting myself and my right to 'do as I pleased' no matter the consequences

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of my grandmother and my mother excusing my first experiences with alcohol to the point of utter sickness, as something benevolent and merciful that happened that made me believe they loved me because they did not punish me, instead of seeing and realizing that as I played out the self destructive hidden patterns of my family, the response of my family members had nothing to do with me and was not a point of closeness, of camaraderie, of intimacy that we shared and as such 'good and positive' but just a moment in which nobody knew how to behave as we all faced the same patterns with no solutions

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to connect alcohol abuse, smoking pot, doing drugs and generally having Mind altering experiences with Fun, with Freedom, with transgression, as if the fact that I could do those things as much as I wanted whenever I wanted was a testimony to my grown-up-ness and a point I should cherish because it meant I established myself as an adult, however dysfunctional, instead of seeing and realizing I just played out self destruction and excesses in no way differently than my family members and I was just a copy cat of behaviors past

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when both my grandma and my mum excused me and found funny that I got so drunk that I couldn't connect clearly, to think and believe that getting so out of your mind that you can't connect it's fun and something to look forward to and for harboring the desire to 'let loose' as a reward for the constrictive life I perceived myself to live, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe, say and affirm, that Life has no Value, when in fact I have never lived but as a Mind, and for separating myself from the physical to the point of hatred for this earthly experience -which I have never experienced for real in and as the physical- I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointment and regret for being here, for surviving each and every attempt at self destruction, for feeling sorry that I did not manage to give myself some life threatening sicknesses, to prove that I had been successful in at least one of my programs, self destruction, and for feeling the failure of being alive as having failed to self destruct, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Life is short and we better enjoy it, and within this mean engage in activities of excesses, of Mind altering moments that I perceived as a break from this reality and for creeping into this Character every time I see my life as dull or as not going anywhere, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when and as I see myself moving the first steps into this Character play, to deliberately look away, excuse it, pretend it's not happening, so that I can take the full slide into the full blown experience of this Character and then land back to just return to the disappointment for being still here and too healthy for what I believe I would deserve

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I read posts of some of us battling with chronic sicknesses, first move into guilt for not being sick regardless of what I have done to get there and then feel ashamed because I am the one who lived to get sick and I didn't and I believe I have once again overstepped a line with no consequences charged and for desiring the suffering and punishing for the Characters allowed myself to play I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to get sick to use the sickness as a fail safe to stop my self destructive behavior because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that people change their destructive habits only if they fear dying, but I don't have this fear and as such I have not moved so far, instead of seeing and realizing that I don't need fear to motivate me to move but a self directive decision I stick to with the same diligence I used, to stick to my self destructive patterns until I change

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand, that my belief that 'people don't change' which is made of the sum of all the things I heard about it, read about it, discussions I had about it, until I gave in and accepted and allowed myself to believe 'people don't change', was always and just a justification about why I could not change, so I could stick to the habits through which I defined myself no matter how damaging the habits were and for not seeing, realizing and understanding that I can change if I stand as self directive principle of my change and not the excuse of why I can't, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold onto memories of all my failed changes, of when I tried to give up pot and I could not for so many times, of all the commitments I made about giving up pot and then deserted while I have conveniently Not filed the point that I did give up pot at one point in my life, because that would mean I changed and I can't have changed because I told myself I couldn't change and nobody can, and for desiring to hold on to self destructive habits for the purpose of remaining within the comfort of my self definitions, characters and personalities, I forgive myself

Self commitments to follow

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