Day 83: The Value (De-Value) of Memory and Feelings

I am a memory card reader.

This is how I have created myself as the Characters that I exist in and as.

What I do is, I take a picture, charge it with emotions and feelings that require for me to separate myself from me as the physical and file it as me, as a moment of my Life that defines Me.

This is how I have reduced myself to just a bunch of memories, emotions and feelings.

I have had a lot of disturbing experience with memory.

The one that kept repeating is that I do not share memories of anything with anyone else, this always carried a question as well, do we even see the same stuff when we look at something with someone else ?

I tried to reason that we must, because we can take a picture of it, yet the picture that is 'objective' doesn't prove that we are in fact seeing the same thing.

If a woman is in the picture, we will both see a woman, yet the corollary information that come up with it about it are subjective, are the sum of our existences as Characters that become activated through thoughts, feelings and emotions.

When I met Desteni, I was going through a Memory overload, I realized I felt like a computer with a full hard disk wherein everything that I saw was associated to something else, it could be minor or major as in pictures of moments or places, but I had come to full load memory association, NOTHING seemed just what it was anymore, not even the toothpaste.

I have had 'bad' memory experiences with friends and partners as well, where I discovered that each one of us had filed a moment according to who we perceived ourselves to be while filing.

Many of the memories they treasured I can't remember, when I hear 'do you remember when..' I usually get a chill down my spine, because probably, possibly, I won't. A good part of my Life I have been hovering over my own experience by being stoned most of the time, my memories of those times are crammed and jammed, like if the memory sticks were not in alignment when the filing happened, and things and people and events have been filed randomly under the most non logical/sequential triggers.

I have better memory recollection of words and what I heard than the pictorial reality, I used to pride myself that I could repeat whole speeches from the movies I loved (Character), yet in time I discovered that apart from movies, even my auditory Memory is Selective, I pick and choose what I hear and what I file according to the Character I embody and support at the moment of filing.

I am both, the Character and the supporting Crew.

Some of my partners have better memories of me/us than I have of me/us, some have them worse (not many, I tended to outdo anyone in filing the worse part of any event, just in case).

When I came back to Italy I met with one of my ex partners of over 25 years ago, he told me the great things we did togeher and how much he learned from our relationship and how wonderful it was.

I was puzzled to say the least. We used to fight all the time and our relationship ended tragically after I left him telling him I was pregnant with someone else's child (my ex husband to be).

So, there were objective points that he could have filed to just delete me and just remember me as a bitch, but he did not, as he was 25 years older and I was possibly his last chance at his 'being in Love' Character, so he did not file a better story for me, he wanted to preserve a better story for himself, something that he could use to define himself as I file according to what I need to define myself.

Is there ever anything objective in reality when the people apparently 'living reality' are lost within Character plays and keep switching from One personality to the next, never being accountable for any of them because We Just Forget who we were when we committed to something or someone, it just takes a thought and, when not enough, a string of others, to lead us to the personality/Character that we need to embody next, to just have the upper hand, we have trained ourselves to move so smoothly between Characters that we ourselves would have never noticed, unless one day, we did .

So, Memories as the source of Characters that hold and generate specific feelings and emotions, generated by the Characters and belonging to the Characters we embody who are themselves based on memories that we have filed as Real, as WHO we really are.

And so when I/We say 'respect my beliefs/opinions, feelings and emotions', what I am/we are really saying is respect my Character, I have not attempted to take your Character down, WHY ARE YOU ? 

WHY ARE DOING THIS TO ME ?

Which is something I have actually said, blaming another for NOT giving credit to My Character, Look, BeLieve ME, I know what I said or did in the past, but it's different now (I am in  another Character), if you BeLieve me this time everything will be different, I know, I have changed (Character), this time I won't fuck up, I am wearing my Reliable Character, can't you SEE ?

Respect my feelings, let me be, let me pretend I am the Character that has these set of feelings and emotions, don't knock it down, I am not ready, I don't have another Character lined up yet, I'm too much in Character at the moment, so, this is the only thing I ask of You, support, support my Character so that if we really try, we may both BeLieve I  am real and You are Real Too, while the reel keeps running to capture the next moments that we can add as support to our Characters, feelings and emotions, to make it All More Solid and Real.

Or we can STOP and become Self Honest through a Journey, walking ourselves back to Nothingness, stopping All and Every Character we Play to come back Here, as Life, for ourselves and What is best for All as All as Existence, Equal and One. Join us.

Day 61: My Experience with Violence, I am not Violence

My experience with Violence started when I was a kid.

When I started to disagree on what my mother set as The Rules for My behaviour, slaps started to fly.

I have the physical memory of what being slapped felt like as a child, once she slapped me so hard I felt electricity run on one side of my mouth and had the slap feeling on my face imprinted there for hours afterward, I hated to be touched when she was enraged, pushed around and even more being slapped.

I found slaps in the face humiliating and unjust, there was a huge sense of injustice rising inside of me because I could not slap her back, the first time I did when I was 17 all hell broke loose, as this was a cultural taboo, every one was expected to take them and to never return them.

I remember as well what kinds of thoughts I would immediately move to when I felt physically violated, they went from rage to murderous and the feelings matched from anger to hatred.

All of this stuff I suppressed it because I did not know what to do with it and because it was immoral and bad to have certain thoughts and feelings against one's parents, so I added the self judgement on top of the pile of shit. By the time I was 17 and I smoked my first joint that was it, I had found my Nirvana, I would just no longer think about this stuff and felt peace and love for all the world, or so I thought until I discovered that it was like the bathtub plug, every time I pulled the plug all the stuff I had suppressed came back on the surface, every time I gave up Pot my first three days off were hell and spent in tears, I learnt later from other addicts that they all went through the same experience, so Pot is just like Antidepressants, when you give them up you'll face it all, the idea that stuff had magically gone away was just a delusion.

When Violence at home began, I started to hate all Authority Figures as well and became defiant to all of them, from police, to teachers, judges, anyone in the 'authority category' I would just patronize them, or so I pretended.

Of course within this defiant personality I had all sorts of ideas of what I would have done if I had ever met a violent man in my life, I would have jumped up, hit him with an uppercut, cut his balls off and  flushed them in the toilet, I was the Brave Brigade until the day I met One Violent Man.

This was actually the point in my life when I eased out on judging others, I had all sorts of ideas on abortions and the women who undergo them, until I had 2, and all sorts of ideas on women that allow men to beat them up, until I got beaten up.

I don't suggest getting the hang of it this way, it's painful and scarring,  I should have just given up all judgements on anyone and on myself too, they are really ridiculous and usually just the result of my demented imagination that played out righteousness and personalities to just be better than others, so I would not have to feel so lousy by comparison.

When I was 23 I met a guy, he was my colleague, he flirted with me endlessly at work but I had a boyfriend, I didn't want  to cheat, I was NOT a Cheater, for that I waited to be married, so I left my perfectly nice and kind boyfriend to embark on the whirlwind romance that this other guy had to offer. Of course I moved into the relationship with plenty of guilt, I basically threw out my boyfriend of 3 years from home finding something to fault him about and then even refused to have proper communication with him to support him to find a good reason for the break up, I simply couldn't, because there was none, I just fancied the other guy more.

There was something 'dangerous' about him, he was very fit, in great shape, and he was considered our new star employee, another genius like me, but he was recognized as such by his wage, so I thought I could vicariously enjoy some of his stardom and that he was a more suitable match for me.

He took me to meet his family,  when I looked back the signs of something off were all there, the mother and his father looked at me with a mixture of pity and gratefulness, strange because this guy was an obvious good catch. One day he told me that he had slapped a woman, I told him 'you must have had your good reasons', I wanted to look cool and non impressionable and fearless, like whatever, as long as it was not me. On another occasion we were sitting having a sandwich and I physically felt his rage, and even told him, I feel so much rage in you, where do you play this rage out and he said 'at the gym'.

One morning he pushed me around because of something I said and I rolled over the couch, he was soo apologetic, he said sometimes he did not realize his strenght. All the signs were there, yet I could not ditch him after I had left my perfectly good boyfriend for him, had to try and make it work.

Slowly I realized he had infiltrated my life, he kind of moved in without ever talking about it, he wanted immediately a tight relationship, almost obsessive, would call me  continuously at work when we were already no longer working together, every evening we were supposed to be together, plus sex was lousy, for some strange reason sex was the least intimate part of our relationship, in sex he really moved away, like I became a thing and no longer a person.

Two months later I asked him to leave, I told him I did not want this relationship and I was about to list the whys and I started with 'you are crazy' which triggered something and he slapped me and I flew across the bed. I felt the humiliation rise, I started to say I would report me if he touched me again, but by then I saw the demonic look in his eyes, just a moment too late, he dragged me to the kitchen threw me on the floor, pulled me by my hair against the wall and started to kick me in my chest and in my head while he held me by the hair, I had the experience of moving out of fear into pure survival, I was not physically afraid, I was just trying to cover my face and while he kicked me and said not to worry because he knew how not to leave any marks he told me that 'it's easy to take it on the weakest one, isn't it ?" Which given the situation was odd to say the least. But it wasn't if one sees that he was in playback mode, playing out the assault at his father over and over again. When he thought he did enough damage, he stood up to leave, of course  could not let him go just like that, after such an immense Ego bruising, so I stood up and said 'men that beat women are just deepshits', he put down his bag, came back pulled me by my feet to make me fall again and then sat on my chest chocking me, while he asked me to 'say I was sorry'. That is when I felt fear again, I flashed ahead to my corpse in the living room and my mother being told I was dead and all the grief this would cause and no one ever knowing what happened to me. so I tried to say Sorry, but I couldn't because he was chocking me so hard that I could not breathe, but finally he let go just enough for me to breathe and speak the 'I'm sorry' words and I did. Then he got up took his bag and left.

The next day I went to work, put on my normal work face and pretended nothing happened but one of my close friend from the HR came  to my office and standing on top of me saw my hair were not right, chunks were missing and when she asked about it I told her the story, she said nothing, went to her room and called him, he was at home, he was too sick to go to work and she told me that if anything else happened to me she would make sure he would never work again in whole Italy. This is how we settle stuff in Italy, from one threath to another, the bigger we grow in power, the more we grow in association, we end up in the family, the Cosa Nostra, the Mafia Clan.

He had some friends left at my office, he scratched his face and then invited them for drinks and told them that WE had a fight and that I beat him up, when I spoke to one of the 2 friends he was close to, he did not believe me, they introduced him to another woman,  he sent that one to the hospital.

Two days after he beat me I thought about reporting him, he told me he had a pile of reports for abuses 'up to here', so not believing in the justice system of my country, I called his father and asked him to call me back when he could talk. The father listened to me and then confessed that he was an habitual offender but they could no longer force him into treatment because he was of age, past 18 and therefore they could no longer interfere,  he said as well that if it was any consolation, he beat only the ones he really loved, funny because this happened to me as well when I was a child and I had a vicious admirer in the courtyard. Actually no, it was of absolutely no consolation.

For 2 weeks afterward I crawled against walls when going home  in fear he would be waiting for me somewhere, one interesting point of this experience is that the physical pain was almost immediately forgotten, It was the fucking "I'm sorry' that didn't go down at all, I saw myself as a coward pitiful woman that was not willing to die for her pride, how ridiculous is that, yet this was The Point of scarring of the whole experience, two weeks later the fear of him waiting for me vanished too, until he called me one Saturday to ask me out again, I remember fearing that he was somewhere close and going to lock my door, I told him 'you know you are sick right ?' and he said 'yes, would you help me ?' and I said "I can't, I don't know how to help you plus I don't trust you. Would  you meet you again after what happened  And he said 'before or after buying a Kalashnikov?' and I said 'so you gave yourself the answer because I am not buying a gun to feel safe to meet you again, but I wish you all the best and do look for help'.

Two months ago, my same friend that told him she would make sure he would never find a job again told me, 'you now CP, he is in jail in California'. She said it was on national TV, she did not know why.

I knew why, I went on the web and researched the trial transcripts, assault, rape, kidnapping, vicious beatings. In the trial transcripts they interviewed another girlfriend, she said he was violent with her every time he drank, he chocked her, set her clothes on fire and many other things.

The one that brought him  down said many things in which I could read the evolution of him as the mind in a very logical thread, he did it for sure, was jailed for 8 years, but never admitted to doing it, not even to have his time reduced, the shame of the labels was worse  than jail term, now he is again on National TV debating his innocence, I see him, I know he did it, we started out the same, violence at home, when I slapped my mother back he broke his father arm, I had just me to protect, he had his 2 younger brothers too, when he drunk all the suppressed rage the sense of injustice, the violence and the humiliation he never dealt with rose up, and Mr. Jekyll would turn into Mr. Hide, it could have been me, he is Me, the Violence and the rage  just never attended to because I knew that being a woman would never lead me there, I would stop at self abuse and some verbal abuse, but it was just the lucky gender roulette and not by any chance me being better than him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was the rage and violence that I felt when my mother hit me and I could not hit her back

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was the hatred that I felt for my mother when she hit me and that I desired her to die, when in fact I hated myself for my own self abuse and I desired to  die

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I had to suppress the sense of extensive injustice at being physically violated, because it is normal and legit that an authority figure can do what they want because they had power over me because I was small and she was big, instead of seeing I was being System Indoctrinated to obedience through violence in this sick system of abuse that we have created

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as bad and disgusting for entertaining negative emotions toward my mother that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe Had Authority Over Me, instead of seeing it was me giving my authority away because I connected my mother to survival and I did not know what else to do or where to go to survive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself because if my mother hit me and slapped me around I must have deserved it and if I deserved it I must have been worthless and unlovable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it was my mother job to love me when she couldn't even love herself, instead of seeing it was my job and my responsibility to love me and be there for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desert myself because I was such a BAD child that even my mother didn't love me and so I shouldn't love or care for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT care for myself and love myself when my mother had stated through the violence used to rule me that I was not to be cared for or loved

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my mother believed that I was unlovable and bad just because she couldn't control herself and what was going on inside of her

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was a victim of my mother's outburst and  for emboding the victim construct as the result of my accepted and allowed beliefe in me as a victim

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear physical violence and the feeling of having been violated every time she either pushed me around or hit me in anger

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear for my life and my survival as a child because I did not know how far my mother would go and how to toe the line to prevent these outbursts

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to normalize physical violence inside of me by disconnecting myself more and more from my body in fear of the physical pain I would have to endure if I was one and equal to my physical body

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that passion, love and violence are one and the same and for associating rough sex with passion/love and therefore with violence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage a man who was OBVIOUSLY rage-full because I missed all the signs and instead saw a familiarity between him and myself failing to see that what we had in common was years of bottled up rage and humiliation that we had covered up with 'nice personalities that toed the line in appearance'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel excited by his dangerous personality missing the danger part of dangerous because I have accepted and allowed myself to feel electrified by violence and for missing out the signals that what was electrifying about him was his suppressed violence, same as in my mother and myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss out on the  signs of his worried family when they met me, because I wanted to live dangerously this relationship with him because he made me feel valued through his obsession and desire to spend all the time with me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge battered women as stupid whimps and imagine what I would have done in their place, not having a clue what is it like to be thrown against a wall yet imagining myself to be better than other women until I found myself in the same situation and took a good beating just like they did

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand up for myself the first time he pushed me around, because I had the experience to know that violence escalates but because I felt guilty over how I had dumped my boyfriend for him parts of me believed I deserved everything that was coming for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not hear him when he told me he had slapped a woman and for saying 'you must have had your good reasons' because he was trying to have an honest communication but I was too busy playing out the cool cookie to pay any attention to someone that was as sick as me and that as me was desperately trying to suppress it and not show it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there are 'good reasons' for violence and that sometime when 'one is needed it should be given', because I have internalized this talk from my mother justifying why she would use violence against me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move out of my body when he hit me to a degree that I realized the damage and the fear I felt only when my hair fell off in chunks because I feared for my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear dying in a beating and being chicked to death and having my corpse discovered in my apartment and the grief that it would cause my mother

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my mother's potential grief as the excuse to allow myself to say 'I am sorry'' instead of seeing that it was the common sense thing to do given the situation and that I did not have to feel guilty and a coward for doing what I had to do to save my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself for saying 'I'm sorry' because even in that moment I wanted to keep up the apperance of the strong resiliant woman above living and I hated to say an "i'm sorry" in exchange for my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my personalities are more valuable than my Life and that I should die defending them as to say that my Mind is more important than My Life and I should die defending it, which is NOT the case

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see in this man a clear mirror of myself as a result of violence and suppressed thoughts and emotions as a child and that while I did not support myself to stop my self abuse he did not stop himself and his self abuse escalated all the way to damaging acts of violence to which I have not given in just because I suppressed myself more efficiently than him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame him  for what happened between us, instead of seeing what happened as the manifested consequences of my self abuse and my self judgement of myself as worthless and unlovable and as a victim that did not stand as the Authority Figure in and as myself and someone else around me always did in my place

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate all authority figures because I blamed them for taking my power away and for having power over me, instead of seeing that it was me giving my power away believing that I was helpless and unable to stand for and as myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my feelings and emotions with food because tonight when  I discovered he is actually out of jail and watched his interviews on you tube I went into  an unreasonable fear and saw myself desire to eat, simply because I could not drink or smoke pot, and so I saw clearly my pattern of suppression play out that I did not stop, because I stuffed myself before sitting down and writing all of this out, instead of sitting down and writing myself out instead of accepting to suppress myself in any way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with anger and rage and then desire for revenge when I discovered he was out of jail after just 8 years (sic) proclaiming his innocence when I know from the transcript that he did it because the patterns were the same as what he did to me just way worse and that I wanted to see him crucified and not excused and have everyone believing he is innocent when he is a repeat offender and a pathological liar, just like me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be wiling to forgive myself for this rage and violence I have lived one and equal to and for projecting on him my own desire to crucify myself instead of stopping all self abuse and standing in  and as the correction that is required by me to own all of me in self responsibility and keep walking my process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  withhold my self forgiveness and to project on others One and Equal to me the withholding of my forgiveness, even when I can clearly see the absolute mirror of myself even to the point that I too would lie about such crimes in fear of those labels and the judgements of others I should live with, reminding me I am a violent rapist and an abuser of myself and others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the judgement of others and of myself about what I have accepted and allowed myself to become through and as The Mind, as an Abuser of Life, of myself and others one and equal, in search for blood, revenge, squaring books of debts and credits, so I can live that one insignificant point of righteousness and for a moment stop seeing myself as such a fuck up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a fuck up, everyone fucked up here according to our placement and life experience, so the sooner all judgements stop, the sooner we can start to heal and put all our pieces back together in alignment with Oneness and equality and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'I should reach out to him and introduce him to Desteni because he is a computer programmer and he would get what this is all about, and I can see the next one he will kill her, but then I went into fear of the consequences I may have to face, that the next one could be me, and made myself confused about what would be the best way to support him, if any

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to save another that I did not support when I had a chance, believing that it is my responsibility to save others, instead of seeing I couldn't even if I wanted to because this is a process each one of us has to board on their own self will, but I can keep breathing and see if I find a way to let him have this material reconciling this point with what is best for me and best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in such a world where violence against children is accepted and supported and where Children Have No Consideration or guidance about how to develop into effective human beings and we turn out into monster, exponentially worse than our parents and the lineage we come from, as we keep compounding and diminishing ourselves into nothingness searching for Life in separation from ourselves as Life, here in every moment of Breath.

I commit myself to erase my existence of violence, of justifications of violence, of memories of violence and imprints of violence as I no longer support or justify violence as me, as past, present or future, or any self abuse that is rooted in violence and judgements of myself and others as violence.

I commit myself to stop the violence of me as The World, One and Equal by clearing myself of any reaction toward violence, walking my self correction of and as a violence free world into existence as Me, as Life, One and Equal.

Day 50: I Fear Life Without Love

For the past week I have realized that I fear Life and living, extensively.

Maybe it was not such a bad idea when I gave myself horror dreams, at least I made sleep a place into which I did not want to hide, as it was worse than my life by far.

Yet in the past week I have fallen back into the pattern of I don't care, have never gone out for a walk or have done something physical, I just spent my day on the web dragging myself from one depression to another.

I am struggling with letting go all of the 'good feelings' and ideas I had about this world, I kinda liked 'Love' after All, it was a good place to hide, now I feel like a lab rat, I have nowhere to go and I am the mad scientist experimenting with my Mind, because I still associateand define myself and everything I do with and through my Mind.

My Mind has been a Huge Lifelong Investment, I have put in it knowledge and Information, Ideas and Beliefs and basically everything that I need to define myself and others, because I have for sure not yet let go of that need, it was so handy to scan someone and be able to put them in a box, having read, or believed to have read, efficiently the signs that would allow me to define 'who was who' and mainly what they were after, because I have I go this early, everyone is always after something, this is what our relationship are based on, they are for-getting Relationships, I was always one for-getting that I was moving into this world as a predator, seeing what I could get out of others and fearing what they would get out of me.

This week I have been catching up with Anu, again, some recordings are uplifting, some are depressing, not that Anu is doing anything To Me, it's ME, judging everything I hear, filing it under 'good' or 'bad', under favourable or contrary to some beliefs I held about myself and existence as a whole.

The one that I have not been able to digest for now is Anu's The Mind as a Spider Web, I found it diminishing and then I went on a saddy-go-round in my head about what is the purpose of what we are doing, why even try, why not just die and be deleted, who wants to live forever ?

Because for sure for what I have equated life up to now, living forever would be the least appealing thing I could be offered, I used to look at Death as Solace, the final break, OK, we get to live the shitty Life here, but then we move on to something better.

What if this is As Good as it Gets ?

I feel like crying, in fact I feel like the crying baby that Anu described in Either Life or Death , I am having a Mind tantrum, in a way I see the point he makes that is in fact a 'good place to be' as I have exhausted all options to be rescued to get out of here or to manipulate myself or others, I am here and I see that it's either me standing up for change or change won't happen.

Interesting because I have already faced this point with Pot, until one day Marlen told me that it was NOT going to happen that I would just magically drop it, as if the writing and the self forgiveness was a magic wand that when waved long enough I would just see the results, it was an act of Self Will that it was needed.

Self Will ? Never had that before, I actually prided myself in the idea that 'The Flesh is weak' and what 'can we do' but succumb to the desires and play outs of the Mind.

Yet, once I GOT THAT, I willed myself to stop, and it was not hard at all, because I had laid out the ground with SF and writing and then I just had to DO IT.

So here I am at the same point again, and now I am aware of this point that I resisted writing out because, it won't make Process look good for others, as if I should be a Saint showing that I am all resolved and look how far I have gone.

No, process is me living out the corrections, especially the ones I do not want to talk about as me shuffling my feet around, hoping to go back to sleep, just doing the minimum necessary to make sure I am alive but far from living, so back to Self Will, I will myself to stop the way I have lived until now, it's not a matter of how long have I lived like this (because this is another one of my favourite Mind trick, putting everything in a Time context, to PROVE that it will take time to undo what I have done for so long), yet I gave up smoking pot in one single act of self will after 25 years, after dedicating my life to Pot as a lover, a friend, a companion I would never give up, I gave it up.

So, stopping the cry baby in and as me and getting on with living, because really, there is nowhere further down to go from Here and beLieving that I cannot stand up is ridiculous and just an excuse for me to walk away from facing consequences.

Yes, I dislike consequences, I have made a run from almost all of the consequences I should have faced in my life, yet they always caught up with me, so here I am, facing the con-sequences of my existence, standing up to change my excuse of a life for living, supporting myself in and as Breath until I stop existing as a Mind System, returning myself to the Physical and Substance to give myself what I waited for all my life to be given by others, real self care and self support while I accept myself unconditionally whatever comes up so I can move in and as self correction and stop looking to be given, granted and gifted what I am not willing to give myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to conveniently forget that Self Will is required for me to stop the patterns of laziness I have existed in and as

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be disgusted at myself for how ineffective my life has turned out to be , instead of seeing it's just as effective as I decide to make it, life is not happening to me, I am accepting and allowing patterns of behaviour to drive me instead of self directing myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that what we are facing is too big and too extensive to be tackled while having a life, instead of seeing that the point of Process is to in fact get to have a Life that I have never had before

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what lies ahead of us as humanity as I look around and see no awareness that there is something flawed with the world but acceptance of the world as it is, instead of seeing that I fear my own acceptances and allowances of me as I am, having supported the idea and belief that I am unable to change and that people don't change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that people don't change making it unnecessarily more difficult for me to change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire change to happen to me instead of standing up as Self Change through Self Will, One Breath at the time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in Mind tantrums as a way to justify why I feel damned, instead of seeing no one has damned me but myself, having con-damned myself to live a life of abusive patterns when I could have stopped and stood up for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear a world without Love, because I enjoyed boarding the Love Boat even if occasionally as a point of Solace and now that I gave up Love for Life I don't get the same feel good/energetic reward and I feel I have been had by my choice

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to motivate myself through energetic rewards of either feelings/emotions, money or sex, to DO something instead of standing up and Will myself as my own Self Directive Principle, to do what I can see needs to be done for me to stand as Self Correction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad about letting Love go and for all the Love Posts that I read within our groups that I judge as if we were bashing Love and diminishing it, instead of seeing I feel sad to let go a long term delusion I have enjoyed to define myself with, so I could believe to be 'good' and loving

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be good and for using the empty word of 'Love' to get away with anything I did because ultimately, I was a loving person

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a good and loving person

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting Love go because when the idea of Love is gone from this world I am left with the world as it is, a place of suffering that needs to be corrected not with Love but with giving to each other what we would like to receive, which is a dignified Life for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Life believing that Life is what I have done so far, and that if THIS is Life the last thing I want is to live forever

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the loneliness of me as The Mind in which I allow myself to dwell in separation from Self as Life and everything that exists

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel depressed instead of realizing and seeing that depression is a choice I make so as to justify why I am not standing up through an act of Self Will and changing myself into an effective Human being

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Eternal Life because I fear I may have to exist like this forever walking backward the consequences of a life of abuse of myself and others until I undo what I have created while seeking self gratification and self satisfaction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I will never be happy until I commit to something greater than me which is to bring about a World that is Best for All where Life can be born and the suffering of our separation can end for all of existence, One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposing that I am going through a rough patch because I fear what others will give me as a feedback, which is that I am going through my own created rough patch and that it doesn't need to be this way, unless I make the choice to struggle through process because I do not support myself effectively in and as Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being told what I already know but don't want to act on because Change is Difficult

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel irritated when I read some comments of our Group stating exactly this, that change is difficult only if we believe it is and make it so, because I fear they may say this to me and I know this already but I rather embrace the belief that Change is difficult so I can justify why I don't change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as ineffective instead of seeing I have done this before in my life, to accumulate ineffectiveness to rock bottom and from rock bottom make the change, when now I see I could teach myself to stop the rock bottoming of my life as a push for change, if I become effective with the Self Will action of willing myself to do something and being the self Directive Principle of My Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear becoming effective at Self Will, in fear I won't have anything to hide behind anymore and that whenever I don't change I will clearly only have myself to blame for, while now I can blame patterns and time I engaged in them for my being ineffective

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposing a point that was really important for me to write out because I withhold my self support in favour of an Image I like to project about myself as someone who is walking diligently and not mind fucking myself consistently

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the judgements of others about my mindfucks instead of seeing I just fear my own self judgement about my not being effective in standing up in and as Self Correction, to finally do what is best for me and what is best for All, One and Equal

When and as I see myself postponing a necessary change of a pattern that is not supportive for me, like laziness and shuffling around without a purpose, I stop, Breathe, support myself by writing a diary of an effective day and then stick to it so I can make this change happen as I have done before, no longer delaying what I see requires to be done

When and as I see myself desiring to disappear from the world, in the hope I will not have to face myself, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that I am here and there is nowhere to go and so I just have to get on with my self correction because what I dread is eternity WITH ME, which means I have to change this ME into what I can stand in and as for eternity

I commit myself to change this pattern of being ineffective at life that I allow myself to drag me into pits of despair, while I could just stand up and through Self Will, will myself to Change into an effective Human Being, without a motivation or a reward, to which I have patterned myself to, but through my own Self Directive principle to do what is best for me and best for All

I commit myself to stop my justifications about why I can always change tomorrow and instead stand up Here in Breath to make this Change happen so I will stop fearing living as a play out of self abuse and self suppressing patterns and start living.