Day 316: Patterns - Shall I Repeat Myself - or Not?

I have just read one of the amazing blogs in the Creation's Journey to Life series titled

Personal Choice and the Effect on One’s Life.

I am  dealing with a behavioural pattern relative to relationships, this time I kinda saw the pattern coming and I knew where it would take me because I have ridden this pattern many times before, the dead end is when I finally manage to harm another, at that moment I snap out. Way too late.

Did I stop myself before this time? NO, because I am used to the ride, because this is what I have defined Life and myself as, a series of unavoidable disasters for which I have braced throughout my life hoping that I would survive the impact when it would come, and at times, hoping that I wouldn't. 

Yesterday my mum came to visit me and talked about a pattern she is becoming aware of and we tried together to unravel it, the pattern was about being punishing, I asked if she could walk herself back to when it started and she said that she had memories of her grandma telling her to go away when she would ask for her forgiveness and of her mother one year purposely not calling for her birthday as a punishment, she said 'grandma was very punishing, you know' and I do, I just managed to stay out of her punishing streak way better than my mother by not doing or saying what she would do and say. Suppression starts at home, so does multiple personality disorder we all suffer from and the paranoia that arises from the stress of being in 'Character', always managing the chorus of voices in the head that are demanding, judging, scaring the living beejesus out of all those that listen. 

What I found interesting in this chat is that my mum had more memories of when it was done to her than of when she did it herself, for example with me, because I myself recall a birthday in which she told me she had found something she was sure I would have liked at the market but didn't buy it because she didn't feel like it, since I didn't deserve it. Those were my teenage years, when the flames of rebellion burnt high and mighty and parents felt the need to increase the crushing to make sure nothing was left of value of their children, just because they were raised in the same -appalling- way and never questioned the 'patterns' they themselves repeated.

SO, I myself took on board the same punishing personality, it manifests for me especially inside MEAN-ing-FULL relationships, where for some reason I believe anything goes and I should be forgiven everything I do or die trying, no matter the amount of harm I elicit to inflict.

Yes, because this was the point of the above Blog, how we in fact use a pattern to repeat ourselves and our mistakes and call them a 'habit of behavior' which is the outflow of a habit of thought which was generated by a memory that we accepted and allowed ourselves to live in our flesh and go on to clone, seeking closure, seeking ways to self affirm its right to exist and live as us until it solidifies into a whole personality network with thoughts and feelings of its own and then we are left as the spectators of lives we no longer can control, as the plethora of characters we created take over for the day, for the week, for a lifetime that goes while we are never Here participating and making the choices that would Matter, those that would depart us from what we have taken on board by dysfunctional people who themselves took it on through dysfunctional exchanges by other dysfunctional people and yet we come to believe that we are the minority, we sit in fear while we as our Minds have a field day in the front lines, a bit like what we do with the monetary/world system, where the 99% claims they can't find a solution to the problem of the world because the 1% is holding the wheel and there is nothing we can do. Hellooo?

One of my friend wrote about a kafkian character, a jailer, who used to carve the sins of the inmates on their flesh, so aren't we all kafkian jailers, aren't we the ones carving ours and other miss-takes into our flesh and then go and live them out, over and over, until we automate them and THEN we can finally say we have lost the response-ability to Change when in fact as in any operating system, it's just about rewriting the script we have lived by, meticulously and specifically, just as much as we did when we specified our reasons for why we were entitled and allowed to keep doing what we did and why we could not stop, when in fact we could.

This is a lesson I have learnt from my mum as she is eager to know everything and more about Desteni, pushing me to get organized for my trip to SA -get the passport, what are you waiting for, you are resisting this trip- and told me that she always followed me for solutions -hence get your ass to SA, lady!-, which brought on a truckload of guilt as my solution was to live ostrich like with my head well buried in the sand while I preached the doctrine of love and light and now I have not shared what I am learning in full because it's all too overwhelming at times and I am still finding my own footing in this new realizations of what we are and what we have done and the need, the burden to have to fix it all.

So, I told my mum the other day, 'imagine that we are an operating system', I usually choke on this words, the fall from what I believed to be to the realization of being possibly less than an operating system so far seems just too much to bear at times, I preferred it so much more when I believed I was divine, in the image and likeness of god and yes, that would make god as good of a psycopath as myself, but we were working on forgetting our sins together, both myself and God, until Desteni came around to say that nothing goes away until we realize how we did it and correct it into a solution, hard to believe in a world where we could delude ourselves about the point that there are no consequences we have to bear if we have enough money to escape them, isn't this the point of Money after all, the guarantee that if we pile up enough we can shift our responsibility onto others, we can 'buy' our way out of anything and so busy we became with that that we missed out on seeing that consequences don't go away, they are here to stay until we address them into a solution that works for all. Kansas just went bye bye.

My mum said 'wow, this is comforting', it's good to know we are just an operating system, then all the guilt and crap we can let it go and rewrite the script' - where were you woman when I struggled so much with this idea? Where all solutions have always been, right in front of our face, it's the fear of the consequences that prevents us from accessing solutions and I still have plenty, the fear of looking at what I did as a faulty operating system, I could have operated for what is best for all but I did not, it's not too late though because I breathe and I am here, I am the potential of a Life, can I rewrite myself into a fully functional living being? That is to be seen, but there would not be any other better test than have to design oneself into a part of the whole that considers the whole and self at the same time at all times, that would have been what a Creator of Life would have designed, are we Creators of Life or Supporters of Death?

We'll have to Live to answer this for ourselves, the stage is set, the props are in place, now the Author comes in, we have the Authority, the Authorship, we get the royalties for what we write, they are called con-sequences, can we keep conning ourselves into sequences of behavior of which we know the ending or shall we stop, get off this The-Mented ride, dust ourselves off and sit back at the drawing table, we didn't do well so far, the proof is in the pudding, in the world we live in, what we Authored and Authorized is not worthy of Creators of Life, let's redo it from scratch, we can do way better than this and so We Shall.

Continuining tomorrow to unravel how I created a life of Paranoia in relationships that I then went and called a Pattern, to justify why I was allowed to keep repeating it because I am not Alive yet but just A Lie seeking to justify the harm and abuse I participated in and no longer want to exist in and as.

Related articles

• Day 394: Personal Choice and the Effect on One's Life
• DAY 388: Anarchists, Mothers and Brainwashing (Part Two)
• Day 391: Coercion - The Misfortune of the Fortunate
• Day 374: Universal Secrets of Automation as Keys for Success
• A process to Self Respect and Integrity - Day 366

Day 279: I Can't Hear You because I insist on Being Me

I have experienced resistance and stress at the idea of seeing the lady that comes to me for massage.

She has mental problems and is on medication and when she comes she loops into the same questions over and over until I reach the irritation point.

The 'put yourself in her shoes' has not worked so far because I have put MySelf in her shoes and tried to address her questions as Me, which was impossible, the answer that would trigger me to a realization were only sending her deeper into depression and then, when I felt responsible for her and her depression due to how poorly I was handling this communication, I blamed her and the resistance to seeing her started to build up.

Then I had a chat with a friend and I saw what he was saying to me so clearly that I felt ashamed for how I had gone about this point.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that if I could be triggered into a self realization by some specific words or sentences, so should others, just because they would have worked for me instead of stopping myself from looking for ways to 'trigger' me to self realize something and the extend it to another but just bring myself Here so I can effectively Hear what is going on with this being AS me and address it as me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that she 'didn't want to get it' because I feared I was unable to communicate with her effectively and instead of taking self responsibility I rather blamed her for not getting my answer vs me not getting her questions

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that if someone comes to me for support and I judge my support as not effective enough to help them to sort their mind out, I am being ineffective instead of seeing realizing and understanding I can't change another nor it is my job to but to stand in stability without going into reactions about why they are not changing to what I see would be most beneficial for them and their health

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that when I insist on being me, fishing through my life experiences for support in a moment when I allow myself to drift into my Mind for solutions, I can't hear what is being said to me because I am not Here but in my Mind filtering everything that is spoken through my own filters, judgements and past experiences

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand the difference between putting myself in someone's shoes vs being Here as them which is not the same thing, as when I put Me in their shoes I'm still Me and if I am Me I am separate and unable to hear what is going on Here that I need to address to what is best for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to insist on shaking this lady out of her comfort zone in the belief that this is what she needed, because that is what I would have needed, and when I saw the sign of extreme distress to blame it on her as someone who doesn't want to change instead of seeing my responsibility for what I was attempting to do that was causing distress in another for absolutely no good reason

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to move myself into resistance at the idea of seeing this lady again because I made her responsible for how I perceived myself as ineffective and unsuccessful in helping her sort out herself in and as her mind, instead of seeing and realizing that I can only stand as an example of someone who is not battered and victimized by my own mind for her to see solutions to herself, if she is seeking for them and wants to make the decision to change and hence I was resisting having to face that I do not stand as an example because I was allowing myself to react to the point that she is not changing and for reacting to the fact that she is not changing out of her depression, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed when the penny dropped and I saw that I have in fact been abusing her for my own personal desire to be one that can 'change people' as a healer vs just being Here to Hear what another says beyond my personalities, desires and expectations

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear the point that she tries to make people around her responsible for her health without seeing, realizing and understanding she can't make me responsible for her unless I take on the responsibility in wanting to be more than I am for my own personal self aggrandisement which has nothing to do with what she is doing at any moment in time but with what I am allowing to boost myself and my Ego, which is then followed by a fall when my secret desires for her improvement as a testimony that I am effective and good at what I do, fail to show up

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I am not good at sorting her and her depression out, she will go and badmouth me and I may lose my chance to build up a good reputation for me and within this for taking on the responsibility to sort her out to hold on to a good reputation and then resenting her and blaming her for having given me the responsibility of herself vs me having taken on this responsibility for self interest and fear for my future

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to spend hours in my mind thinking up all the speeches I could give her to make sure she understands that she is not my responsibility, when in fact it is me that didn't understand that she is not my responsibility due to my self interest in having her sorted out as a good reference for future clients and that when that became threatened and I feared she may be not pleased with what she received from me, to move into a defensive stance from which I could no longer Hear her as I was too busy trying to cover all my bases, and for this, I forgive myself

When and as I see myself faced with the point of interacting with another within a frame of a service that I give in exchange for money and I see I am moving or about to move into some fear, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that I have to give a service at the best of my ability as a stance of who I am and not for any return of energy as positive feedback or good emotional return and when I see that I am moving into that expecting space, I stop, breathe, and bring myself back Here in and as Breath

When and as I see myself trying to read in between the words of another, in between the lines, looking for the fine print, I stop, breathe, see that I am in fact not Here because all those activities happen in and as me as the Mind, so I stop as the decision to stop and return myself Here to participate with what is real and not what I am making up or attempting to make up in and as me as the Mind

When and as I see myself wanting to have a specific outcome from a situation in the hope that I will feel good about myself and satisfied, I stop, breathe, remind myself that any expectation I set up for a future outcome sets me up for a disappointment, instead I practice being Here more consistently in and as Breath to face the moment for what it is and address it for an outcome that is best for All

I commit myself to catch myself when I try to be 'Me' as support for another so that I may STOP my Me-ness which is a point of separation and not a point of support for myself or others so, use breathing to earth myself so that I may expand myself beyond my Me boundaries and embrace what is Here in every moment of Breath

Related articles

• 165 - Personalities to Blame You With
• 176 - Self-Punishment
• Day 232 - The Problem With Positivity - The Solution
• Day 102: Tracking down, Shame

Day 277: Putting an End to Scaring Others

This is a follow up to my Post of Day 274 - Scare tactics are Not Acceptable

The first reason why I want to change this point about me is because I see that when I step into this Character, I am not Here, I am not present, I busy myself with digging out the weaknesses of others to make my attacks more effective, for the results I am aiming for, which is to manipulate them to do what I want, even if I justify this point as 'I did it for their own good', because in fact when I push to move someone into Fear, no good can come of that, as they will be just Fearful and unable to Hear a potential solution that I could speak as myself, simply sharing honestly how I overcame a specific point, if I did, and if I didn't just keep my mouth shut because I have nothing of value to share that I have lived through and not just made up an opinion or an idea about.

So, taking up the points from my previous blog

Fear Dimension

'We wanted to talk to you' or 'I wanted to talk to you', spoken either by my mother or my grandparents, this was usually anticipating a long convoluted chat, during which I would be indoctrinated in what I was supposed to Fear, usually fears would relate to Future events, to consequences of me NOT doing what they "saw" was best for me, those words spoken in a specific 'calming' fashion would scare me shitless. 

First because since they had been 'so nice', in theory, there was no reason for me to fear what they were about to say when in fact at some level I knew I was about to sit for a Mind Control session against my will, second because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was not in charge of my emotional experience and hence I had to sit and be battered by emotions and feelings as they saw fit to stir, until I would surrender in the grips of an anxiety attack.

My grandparents parading for me the worst possible future outcomes for my life and then saying 'we are saying this for your own good, trust us'

A memory of preparing to sit on the couch for 'one of our talks', fearing the talk, fearing not pleasing them because they were the strongest Money point in my family line, fearing to lose everything of my future if I didn't make myself endure 'that moment' with enough grace

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to connect the words 'I want to talk to you about something' to Fear in anticipation of what will be said that might trigger me into some personality/characters, instead of taking self responsibility for who I am in every moment of breath without moving into anticipating possible outcomes so I can set up a possible defense line, which means I expect to be attacked/harmed

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear people who I gave up my power to having conversations with me because I fear how I could experience myself as a result of our interaction, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding, I am in charge of my experience and I can decide if I jump into or not whatever is offered for my participation

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear sitting through conversations that I have made up an opinion about. anticipating an attempt to manipulate me or to make me responsible for someone else's feelings and emotions, instead of seeing and realizing I am the only one that can manipulate myself into a specific experience of feelings and/or emotions

Thought/Memory Dimension

The aftermath of my mother shouting and screaming coming to seek peace and harmony by saying 'please see I say this for your own good'

A memory of myself back in my room angry and anxious and my mother calmed down walking in to explain WHY she behaved that way and how she always had 'my good' at heart, I must remember this

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to resent my mother for trying to patch things up after she blew a fuse using the sentence 'please see that I am saying/doing this for your own good'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear my family based on memories of events in which I perceived I had been manipulated into specific feelings and emotions instead of realizing it was always me giving in to creating an emotional experience out of thoughts I accepted and allowed within me, as me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to memories of myself angry at my mother for good reasons, because I blamed her for how I experienced myself after she blew a fuse instead of realizing it was nothing personal and that taking her outbursts personally was my deliberate decision so I could blame her and I would not have to be responsible for the way I experienced myself

Imagination Dimension

One day I will go away from Italy and I won't have to sit through this crap anymore.

Imagining how free I would feel away from Italy, all the things I could do without this constant brainwashing about fake morality of people who preached well and did not apply it

Imagining how soon the chat will end, skipping to the end and what I should say to pretend I was in agreement so they would leave me alone

Imagining not feeling this way anymore when I would be finally freed from the control of my family

Imagining that I would not have to worry about any of those things because my grandparents would die and I would inherit enough to live as they kept telling me -so- why are we even talking about my future.

My future is guaranteed, I have nothing to worry about

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imagine that one day I would go away from Italy, making Italy the origin of my problems and of my experience of myself, diverting on a country my own responsibility, victimizing myself to the point of seeing the solution to myself only away from here, which led to the consequence of resenting coming back here as I saw, realized and understood, I was back to where I left and I would have to deal with the experience of me AND the blame for this country which was never in fact responsible for how I perceived myself as a loser in a world where I did not have access to the 'Best Lives' available but had to make do with the left overs

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see all my problems solved once I would leave Italy as I believed I could leave behind the fake morality I was taught just by going away instead of seeing and realizing I had become the fake morality I accepted and allowed myself to be imprinted with and that I would have to correct myself to free myself no matter where I lived

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself, when in conversation with my family, to imagine in my mind when it would be over, blaming them for how I was experiencing myself as powerless and with no choice having to sit through the brainwashing, instead of seeing and realizing I sat willingly through the brainwashing hoping to secure the loot for my future so I could trade fears, trading the one to be brainwashed for the one about my future, which was bigger, which I perceived as unsorted and uncertain and out of my power to direct

Internal conversations, backchats, voices in the head

Do I have to sit through this crap AGAIN?

What do I have to say to make you stop?

They are doing it for my own good

They know what is best for me

They don't know what is best for me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to listen to voices in my head as if they were me, powering them with emotions and feelings with regards to my family, convincing myself that I believed in their good intentions in the hope to stay in their good books and have my future assured, when in fact I did not believe anything they said

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to lose myself in my mind in a spiteful commentary, so I could make myself powerful and not acknowledge how powerless I felt for having to sit through useless conversation with my family just as an investment in my future

Reaction Dimensions

Feeling of Impotence - I have to sit through this

Feeling of being cheated into sitting nicely for brainwashing, Anger

Fearing the talk

Anger at myself for saying I did understand why they were doing that for 'my own good', when in fact I couldn't understand how would anyone scare people for their own good - how does that work?

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react to conversations with my family in which FEAR played a major role, with a sense of powerlessness, of being brainwashed, of anger, when in fact I was deliberately reacting to cover up my fear of being manipulated placing on others the burden of my experience as I didn't want to take responsibility for myself and how I experienced myself at all times, because I didn't have the tools to do so

Behavior Dimensions

Tightening of the chest

Stomach cramps

Grinding of teeth

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create Physical consequences for myself such as tightening of the chest, stomach cramps, grinding of teeth and for stressing and harming my physical body while participating in and as the Mind I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that it was acceptable for me to do unto others what was done to me as manipulating through FEAR, because I decided that it was effective, I decided that I had in fact effectively been manipulated through Fear and that the outcome of me was not my responsibility but my family's, and for blaming my family and making them responsible for who I am today, I forgive myself

Looking at How did I replicate this Character for myself and when and how do I activate it to manipulate others

Scaring my partners that I will leave them as a consequence of Their behavior/potential behaviour

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to scare my partners telling them/hinting to them, implying that I would leave unless they complied to what I wanted which I saw as due to me and their responsibility so I could feel good about myself instead of making it my responsibility to take care of myself at all levels

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, even when I saw how distressing this was to my ex husband the first time I told him I was leaving and he locked himself in the bathroom and cried his eyes out, to not stop myself, to not change and stop making others scared to make them do what I wanted them to do to please some of my characters and personalities, and for the shame that I feel about this point as I write, I forgive myself
 

Scaring children I was looking after to make them do what I wanted - told myself this was cool because I did not use the very scary thing some of my family used to scare me with (FOXES) , hence I was better than my family

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to scare children that were entrusted to me, either physically or verbally to make them do what I wanted them to do instead of taking the time to talk common sensically to them as equals and find together what would be best for all, and for not teaching the children I have come in touch with how to come to common agreements as Equals, but exerting my authority just because I could, I forgive myself
 

Scaring friends by projecting for them a future they would not like so they would do what I saw was best for them now

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to scare my friends regarding a possible, potential future of Doom and Gloom, so I could feel important about myself as a mind reader, psychic, someone in the Know, and for justifying myself regarding scaring my friends with stories about how I did it for them when in fact I did it for me, to feel more and find extra value for myself, I forgive myself 

Scaring someone I don't know by saying I will call the police as a consequence of their behavior

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to scare someone I don't know in person by threatening them to call 'the police' or any other authority figure, to make sure they would step back in line, and for using and supporting the same tactics the system is using with all of us in the face of how disempowered I accepted and allowed them to make me feel, and for attempting to  disempower another so I could feel better about myself, I forgive myself
 

Writing scary letters exposing all the "nasty truth" about someone so they will come to their senses for their own good

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to write scary letters to people I know, pointing out all their faults, all their wrong doings in an attempt to make them fear-full and of diminishing them so I could feel more and better about myself, and for filing faults for future use in one of my scary tactics attacks I forgive myself

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself moving or about to move into the desire to scare another for whatever reason, to stop, breathe, see what I have accepted and allowed myself to be scared about that triggered me to move into this character, do not accept myself to step into my old behavior and breathe through the fear until its energy dissipates

I commit myself to no longer scare others to make myself feel safer, better, more powerful, less frightened and to walk myself consistently through breath and corrective application out of this Character, to stand as a point of giving as I would like to receive, for myself and all of existence, Equal and One.

Related articles

• Day 273: Scaring Others for "Their Own Good" - Character
• Day 274: Scare Tactics are Not Acceptable
• Day 120 Protection, Prevention and Support
• 97 - dissecting respect 3 (fear)
• DAy 87: Spring Cleaning
• Day 311: The Secret to Self-Realisation

Day 266: Anxiety - Byproduct of Expecting the Worse

Anxiety plagued my family.

All of us apparently resolved it in 'their own way' which is of course the same way, just through different means: food, alcohol or pot - or fighting with each other, as a release outlet.

For a few days I did not hear from my mother, this in itself for me is an anxiety trigger because when I was a kid I would be kept deliberately in this 'suspended animated' state to build up anxiety until I apologized either for something I did or for something someone imagined I did.

If I go back to those moments I can still find that specific anger and hatred that I felt as a result of either the confinement and ostracizing or my own admissions of failure to just keep the peace, find the peace in the family again.

So, yesterday I took the excuse of Valentine's day to call my mother and 'check her mood' to see if I was supposed to move into the anxiety state further or if I could release myself from it.

Within this particular relationship I have not deeply resolved the hatred, it's there, I can still blame my mum for holding me prisoner of her moods, when in fact I just feel hatred for myself and for never having stepped out of this self created control as 'the mood of another' in relation to myself or how I imagine it related to myself.

So as I watched myself yesterday I saw how this experience of myself has steps and they are

anxiety

suppression

pretending I am not suppressing it

distracting myself -this in the past would be the moment of smoking pot-

back to anxiety

into my mind to seek solutions to see how I can tackle whatever reason my mother has to hold me accountable for her mood

deliberately not noticing how I hold her accountable for my mood of anxiety

lookig at all sides of the problem through my Imagination to establish what is it that someone will say so I can prepare my defence and not be taken by surprise

build myself up into a state

hatred

self hatred

bigger hatred directed outward because I hate myself and this is someone else doing, why did they start this bullshit at all?

suppression

denial

distraction -now manifested with calling a friend and downplaying the event as 'silly' as me 'above it'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist in a state of constant anxiety when something seems 'wrong' with my mother



I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imprint myself with memories of moments in which I perceived an injustice was done to me that I took personally and not as the symptom of a problem with someone else when I was a kid, for which I accepted the blame and then felt hatred and believed that hatred to be real and who I really am

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel shame for the hatred I believed I felt for my mother as I blamed her for the experience of anxiety within me, without seeing realizing and understanding that this experience was the sum of my energetic participation in thoughts, feelings and emotions that I believed to be me as I took on my family patterns of how to respond to external prompting and accepted and allowed myself to be triggered onto an emotional roller coaster as it was expected of me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had to feel bad when my mother went into one of her moods, because when I didn't and laughed about it, the punishment either physical or emotional would be harsher and I feared having to face punishment more than inflicting self harm on myself as a way to show that I understood my wrong doing and that I had to repent through feeling bad, anxious and disconnected from the family

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I hated my mother because I interpreted her behavior as cruel and deliberate instead of seeing and realizing she was not in control of herself and she was passing on what she herself had been subjected to within my family that she blamed for her experience of anxiety and of herself, just as I did once I started to grow up

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to move into 'expecting the worse' as a way to be prepared, ready, to know how I was supposed to respond not to be caught by surprise as I experienced 'surprise' as a moment of vulnerability in which it was easier for me to feel destabilized and for developing a desire to always control every possible outcome so I could control how I reacted and perceived myself, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when the anxiety raised, look for ways to suppress it and then deny it because I no longer have what I associated to be 'my anxiety solving tools' such as pot and hence I now fear anxiety even more than before and instead of writing myself out to address this anxiety and my fear of anxiety I have sought new ways to suppress it and belittle it by talking to a friend in an attempt to deny and diminish the experience I am living as myself and for this, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imagine the worse and all possible outcomes in terms of words, tracing back every word I spoke, everything I did that could justify a possible attack from another for which I must ready myself,as a consequence of believing that, since those things happened in my family, they will happen always, everywhere and I must be ready at all time, ending up living in a constant fight or flight response mode

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the topic of anxiety for me is too big to address and to allow myself to stop writing and get distracted by something else, instead of pushing through what is it that I experience in detail, so I can see how this way of living has become me, how my chest is always constricted, how I always hold my breath unless I come back to the physical and I don't want to live this way anymore and for accepting and allowing myself to live a life of anxiety as who I am, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe everyone experiences anxiety just because it was the trademark of my family and I saw my mother on medications for it, instead of seeing and realizing that while behavioral information are passed on from generation to generation, I had to accept and allow myself to believe that this was who I am to activate the whole program of anxiety as who I am and for accepting and allowing myself to believe that anxiety is who I am, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I perceive myself escalating into anxiety due to a standstill with my mother, to move into blame and rage, believing it's all her fault 'if I turned out this way' because if she was not so fucked up I wouldn't be either, instead of seeing and realizing that it is in this blame that I give up my power to change, because if it is her fault, then there is nothing 'I' Can do while if it is my response -ability I can change, no matter what programming was passed on to me I can decide to no longer subject myself to it through breathing and consistently bringing myself back here

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there was nothing I could do and for fearing that what my mother was as an anxiety machine I was destined to become and for the fear I lived believing there was no escape for me from madness and instability, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe it was my duty as a 'loving daughter' to worry about my mother's moods, as she did about her mother's moods, always weighting words for their potential of disapproval, instead of seeing and realizing that this was part of the preprogramming families inprint on their children to make sure they will follow in their footsteps, using Love as the propeller that justifies abuse and designs how children will handle and deal with the abuse to make the family always right, never questioned so we learn how to then step into the system with the same defied attitude and just accept everything as 'the way things are''

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I could never change this point of anxiety, because it is just the way things are, it is who I am, failing to see that my acceptance and allowance of myself 'just the way I am' is the same acceptance of this system just the way it is, which is in fact unacceptable and so is accepting to live a life of anxiety as a way to always expect the worse and for living always expecting the worse and preparing for 'imaginary battles', I forgive myself

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself starting to constrict in the chest, to stop and breathe, check where is my anxiety and how did I activate it and then walk backward out of it breath by breath

I commit myself to investigate this point of anxiety until I no longer live anxiety one and equal to me, as I consistently do not accept anxiety as who I am a the way things are

I commit myself to not fear letting go of anxiety as if I was losing something just because I lives AS anxiety most of my life and instead breathe myself back to life, one breathe at the time until I am consistently here, stable in and as breath

Related articles

• Day 256: The Experience of Others -My Responsibility?
• Day 259: Families, the System Bodyguards
• Unconditional Giving and Receiving or a Control System? (Part 2) - Day 270

Day 256: The Experience of Others -My Responsibility?

Today the husband of the lady that comes to me for massages -that has lately joined her for his back pain - called me to tell me they won't be coming tomorrow because they had a very bad night and she has moved back into her blamefull hateful Character for which she is on antidepressants. He seemed to want to share how bad it had been, I told him to ask her if she wanted to come up in the afternoon for a coffee and he said 'I will ask her when she allows me to talk to her at the moment she doesn't want to see me, she has been blaming me all night - the psychiatrist will come tomorrow'.

I moved almost immediately into anxiety and went looking for my responsibility for how she is experiencing herself, I tried to resist her attempts to put the responsibility for her health in my hands all the time when I was aware of what she was doing, returning this responsibility to her every single time and underlining that it was in this responsibility for her health and herself that the power to get better was but it's a lifetime habit that I saw her resisting nail and tooth, regardless of pushing back the responsibility at all times prior to today I had a couple of episodes in which I did ask myself 'what did I do wrong?' as a result of her changing mood or reverting back to the 'Complainer Character'.

I had a tinge of angry backchat as well during which I went and interpreted her abusive behavior as just that, a fucking abuse she covers up with personality problems, but what do I know, some are so far down the line into personalities and Character's Possession that they have lost their ability to self direct and are just taken over, specifically due to how we are made to believe what happens into our minds is a random occurrence on which we are powerless, until we believe it. 

How else could the Psycho drug industry thrive off Mental Illnesses?

When I was a kid my mum used to blame me for her mood changes, initially she would use an event that could "objectively" be taken as my responsibility such as a poor grade at school but as time progressed and so did her mood imbalance, she would either make up things I allegedly did, said or 'thought' -but she could see the incriminating thought clearly from my face from her superior 'parent position' she claimed- to make me responsible for how she experienced herself.

I believed I was the cause of her imbalances and that I should be blamed for how people experienced themselves around me, a huge unbearable responsibility to say the least.

Of course I copied this Character and then did it to others, in fact I developed the ability to collect points of failures of others toward me just for this purpose, so that when I would have a mood swing I already had the reasons lined up to blame it on someone else.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was responsible/the cause/the origin of my mum's mood swings specifically when I did not intend to cause any trouble but the mood swing would come and then I would have to take responsibility for my imaginary faults to have peace at home again

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear my mother's mood swings and being made responsible for them instead of seeing I was the one accepting and allowing the blame and responsibility that was pushed on me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make up 'imaginary faults' in others to justify my own mood swings and to seek for words, deeds and movements in others that I could file and use just like my mother did to me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my mother would have a mood swing and send me to my room to 'think about it' to develop a habit to look and search for my responsibility in my words, thoughts and deeds, believing that it was something I had done, didn't do that brought about a change in her and not herself doing it to herself, until I would come up with something wrong in me that could in fact be the cause for her behavior, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that She was always the origin/source of her experience and then her behavior and not me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to dread spending time with my mother when she was sick because I always feared that I would overlook something, make the wrong expression, say something that could be twisted and turned to build into the explanation for the mood swing she was about to experience, which I could already assess as soon as we would get together, having developed the ability to foresee coming troubles in an attempt to stay away from it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a result of the fear I accepted and allowed myself to live one and equal to with regard to my mother and her mood swings, to develop a defensive personality in which I move as into like a fortress, whenever I spend time with people that I perceive are on the brink of a mood swing according to my own perception and judgement of what is a good mood vs a troubled leading to problems mood and within this for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to protect myself from other people's mood swings because I fear their mood could end up affecting me as they'll end up blaming me for it, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I don't have to be affected by other people's mood swings when I take responsibility for myself and the way I experience myself not even when they try or attempt to blame it on me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to question myself with regard to my responsibility for other people's mood swings and within this for accepting that I was in fact responsible for how others perceived themselves and for accepting the responsibility of the experience of others within their own minds I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame others for how I experienced myself without seeing, realizing and understanding that I accepted the responsibility of how others experienced themselves so I could then blame others for how I experienced myself and for believing that I had the right to do to others what I didn't like others to do to me, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I did accept the responsibility of the experience of another, I inherently had power over them, as in the power to 'make them feel' one way or another, and for manipulating or attempting to manipulate the experience of another through the way they felt by deliberately doing what I learnt from my mother 'made people feel good about themselves' for the purpose of being the Creator of a 'Positive' Experience within another and as such more powerful than they were within their own experience of themselves I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear mood swings in people that are sharing time with me, because if a mood swing happens 'under my watch' it means it's my fault and ultimately my responsibility, without considering that as I am responsible for my own experience so is everyone else and that I don't know what goes through the mind of others at anytime or what can trigger a 'negative experience' and since everything is happening for each of us inside our own Mind Bubble, we can only be responsible for ourselves and what we experience or react to, but not about what others experience and react to

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that as I desired the Power of generating a 'good experience' inside another, I made myself bound to the responsibility of their experiences 'good AND bad' and for not seeing realizing and understanding that there cannot be Masters without slaves and that Masters end up enslaved to the relationships they created toward another that was not born of Equality and Oneness but from the desire to win over, be more and superior to another being I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I was told today that the lady that comes to see me went into one of her Evil breakdown, to question myself for responsibility, assuming it must be my doing, my fault, that I must be in someway responsible instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I am only supporting her body as a potential bridge to health but she is still the one responsible and having to do the work to get better and out of the Patterns that are causing her suffering as that is her creation and she is the only one that can undo it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I was told she will be seeing the psychiatrist on Monday, to go into my mind and imagine meeting him and blaming him as part of the problem for all the crap suppressant he has been giving her over the years, without seeing, realizing and understanding I don't know the whole story of her medical mental history, and that suppressing the demonic in her may very well have been the best this doctor has found to not have the people around her pay the consequences of what she goes through, and that instead of going to my mind to fight whatever support she may have been able to find, I should breathe and return to her the responsibility for her health recognizing she is the one choosing the suppressant medication and the doctor is doing what he knows how to do to avoid further consequences for herself and others and within this for judging her, her relationship and the doctor I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I heard in her husband's voice the distress for what he was going through, to move into an angry blamefull backchat on the line of 'you did it again you bitch, how do you even get away with it' when in fact this backchat is my own self judgement of myself for when I did embody the blamefull Character and made others responsible for how I felt and how I experienced myself and for doing to others what was done to me instead of stopping the chain of blame and abuse I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to shift the blame from myself to the psychiatrist, without considering her in the picture and her own self responsibility for what she is living, and for feeling sorry for her husband as the victim of this situation without considering that whatever play out is on it's a dance the two of them are playing with each other that only they can resolve and for desiring to take sides between who is wrong and who is right, I forgive myself

When and as I see myself interacting with another and attempting to be responsible for how they are experiencing themselves, such as in 'good moments' for which I could pat myself on the shoulder for the 'good positive experience' I can believe I have been able to generate for another, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that if I want to be the source of the good/positive experiences of another then I will have to be responsible for being the source of the bad/negative experiences of another, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that each one is responsible for how they experience themselves, the good, the bad and the in between

When and as I see myself cringe or about to cringe under the impression, the news, the realization that someone who is in "my circle" is experiencing themselves negatively and I see myself trying to, moving toward or about to assess my responsibility for such experience, I stop, Breathe, do not allow myself to make myself responsible for the experience of another in any way shape or form and see realize and understand I am responsible for how I react to the experience of another but not for their experience of themselves

I commit myself to no longer participate in the construct of taking responsibility for how another experiences themselves be it good, bad or in between as I see realize and understand I have the responsibility to self correct myself but not the power or responsibility to 'self correct' another

I commit myself to no longer participate in the fear of being responsible for other people's mood swings and to investigate when and how this Character comes up to self correct myself until I stand stable in and as Breath realigned to Oneness and Equality for myself and all of Existence Equal and One.

Related articles

• 112 - Doped up on Hope
• 166 - Introspection
• Day 142 - Self Forgiveness on Self Denial - Dimensions
• 165 - Personalities to Blame You With
• 113 Response-ability for Others

Day 254: Betting Everything You Are on the AfterLife? Bad Bad Bad Choice

What is Our Fascination with the AfterLife?

We assume the existence of an AfterLife we'll love, obviously because we are either hoping to have a chance to have a better Life there or because we want out of Here and need something to believe in that shows us that even if this life sucked and was hard to endure, there's Redemption to Life, there is an AfterChance we may strike better luck AFTER.

It's not all our fault, someone planted beliefs of Great AfterLives in our Minds since we were kids, we were taught to invalidate this One Life in favour of another One, I dare to add an Imaginary One because if it was not Imaginary, we would Share the AfterLife Vision with everyone else as The AfterLife Truth, instead at best we share a "Tunnel of Light Vision", if we take away the 'Light' we are left with 'a Tunnel Vision' which is what has led us to believe in the Great AfterLife Legends made up by those who have been Capitalizing on them so far, see the Catholics and other main religious groups, who cash in Money while selling out best seats in the AfterLife shows.

For those who were not willing to pay the AfterLife ticket price of the Main religious Groups there was a further departure from Reality, they moved away from the con-sented beliefs to make up their own, FOR FREE, how clever, pity they want to then sell them to others, just as they were taught and learned to do, without any common sense questioning.

When I was stuck in Spirituality - which is just a nice way to embrace Grace-Fool Power without Money or to validate the Abusing of Common Resources and Common Good pretending to be doing it for Higher Purposes, or just pretending to deserve it {while others apparently don't}- and was searching for a believable answer to Life After Death, I tried for fit many belief systems, most were lacking the basic requirement to be long lasting: reasonable explanations for the why we would be here in the first place in a Creation that has nothing even close to show for benevolence -however hard we try to justify it.

On one instance in San Francisco I took Salvia Divinorum of which I heard nothing about and smoked it in a joint, it was a legal sale in San Francisco's Haight Ashbury hence I didn't think I should read up about it, not even when everyone in the smoke shops giggled and elbowed each other as they sold it to me. I sat on the side of the bath tab and took a puff, in about 1 minute my arms became very long, so long I could not reach the sink to flick the ash, THAT worried me, not because of the visual effect, because my arm was now about 2 metres long not just visually but as a 'feeling' meaning I could feel the whole length of it, I looked around and saw the bathroom shower curtain with stripes looking very weird, I was experiencing Wonderland and myself as Alice when a hole opened up into the bathtub and on the other side my friends in Hong Kong were shouting to get off the side of the hole or I would drop into it. That did it for me. I went on my knees and crawled out of the bathroom, dragged myself onto the bed and typed 'Salvia Divinorum on my computer and low and behold, EVERYTHING I was experiencing was written there, including when my body disappeared from my consciousness, breath included and that was just marked as the last step of the Salvia hallucination and it was mighty scary.

The coolest thing about this experience was that EVERYONE had the same experience, I had it before reading about it, so I did not make it up in my Mind. 

Can I explain it in detail? Nope, apart from the point that I was clearly vividly hallucinating. 

If when my body disappeared from my perception I would have tried to kill myself, would I have died? OF COURSE, remember the Angel Dust and the people jumping from roofs? They believed they could fly, they believed it so much they jumped from roofs, THAT is Faith, and go figure, they ultimately couldn't.

We live in a Physical Reality, it's as physical as you can get it, it's solid, you can try and cast a spell to send yourself out of it and get lost for a few hours in your Mind and then poof, you get back here, those that believe they proved the existence of All those Dimensions through LSD or other Mind altering substances either landed back Here or died and guess what, it's all in the Title "MIND Altering Substances', you are just changing background, flying off in your Mind somewhere else, because We dislike Life Here, if we didn't we would stay, funny, instead we spend half of our lives trying to get off this planet, either through alcohol , drugs, anything we can use to Mind Alter our reality, never even considering the crazy idea to Physically changing the Physically Real Reality, so that we would not need to get away from it, escape it, deny it or project ourselves into the HereAfter, the Here would be enough, given the State of the World it would be plenty to do in fact, we would not have the time to fly off anywhere else but stick to what needs to be done to Right what we have done Wrong so far and there is a Wrong that is not polarity based, it's Wrong to let half of the World suffer as the consequence of an Abusive System we designed and then supported in place just because we busy ourselves with our Imagination vs facing Reality and our Self responsibility toward it and it's Wrong to find excuses about Why reality doesn't concern Us, just because we have the privilege to eat, have a roof over our head and comparatively comfortable lives to those that are born on the wrong side of Capitalism and the Right to Live.

When I returned from my trip I asked my friends in Hong Kong if they experienced popping through a bathtub in San Francisco in any way, shape or form, including maybe within their dream, it all seemed so Real (and one can never be too sure?), they said no, they even added 'you were tripping my friend'. 

And that I was.

And so is everyone else that is making up AfterLife stories, there are more than 3000 between Deities  Saints and Higher Power beings Beliefs in this world, do have a look at Godchecker.com for a laugh, pity you'll find Your God there too, whatever the name, and no, changing the name to "Universe" doesn't make anyone Smarter, just one step more spiteful that they couldn't even share a God with billions of other beings, they had to have their own 'Creator" so they could get the AfterLife of their liking, usually those people will use pretend reasoning to explain their in-divide-ual beliefs, those include apparently commonly shared sentences such as 'As Above so below' -not equally understood though), I did when I was Spiritually-Possessed, and yet managed to never consider the context of such a sentence, because the below sucks pretty much, and the Above? "Well...I meant it in another way, I meant it My Way, was talking about my downstairs and upstairs neighbors, they are both such a**holes, and anyway I have a right to my Opinion."

Usually exchanges with Spiritual people end with 'look, I was where you are, I used to see all negative (=real), then I saw the Light and understood this is just an illusion, it's Maya, it's the Quantic soup, All is Well, really, you just need to change Your Thoughts'.

That didn't work for me, I followed positive thinking religiously for over 10 years, Reality never went away, if anything it has just gotten worse.

And this is again proof of how the world is upside down, because in fact I have been in the shoes of the Spiritual People, interestingly never able to define Spirituality in a way that made any sense not even to me, and then I had an awakening and how NOT cool it was to awaken let me share.

I woke up to the suffering of the world, to the truth of what we are doing by our participation in and as Polarity, to what it means that some get all the goodies and some all the hardship and how irrelevant and useless it was spending time on an AfterLife plan I could not share with anyone else because even if I did happen to have the White Tunnel Vision, I could trust it just as much as having my friends popping through a bathtub across the world to tell me to move over to avoid falling in the hole, it didn't happen, when I came back from hallucinating into my own imagination my arms were not 2 meters long either and my body was still there and looking back, isn't that Real Mercy in action?

That our body stands stable waiting for us to return to the driving seat after each one of our Flight into our Imagination? That it gives us a chance Breath by Breath to correct ourselves and what we made of this world through our separation and delusion that some lives are worth more than others, going all the way to attacking people who are saying 'please wake up -life is Here - rewind the program, the Good Happy Go Lucky AfterLife is a Hoax, check how and where you started believing it, you can undo it, do not trust Your Mind to tell you what is real and what is Not, isn't a good clue that You are the Only One having the experiences you talk about, unless you have imprinted yourselves with other people's experiences and then went out and believed you had them too, claiming the White Tunnel Vision as The Truth, honestly how freaking difficult is it to make up a white Light Tunnel in your Mind when you have read about it, watched it in movies joined the White Tunnel fun club through your curiosity first and then your I Magi-nation later, are you making Money through this story, can we come clean about it?"

What is it that is preventing you from seeing that those things that happen differently for everyone -bar the white tunnel- are all made up by our Minds, what is it that is making this world such a shit hole in Our Mind that we want to depart it at every chance we get and then -the obvious consequential question- wouldn't it be a sign of sanity to address this World Here to Change it into a World we want to be in, where everyone has access to a dignified Life at all times, from Birth to death, why is it so insane to propose a World that Works for All? Losing the White Tunnel for Good - no really - is the betting on the AfterLife what stands in the way of Living This Life HERE and working together to Change this World for All?

I wouldn't bet on the AfterLife, not in a million years would I bet everything I am on it, the chance of My Ideal AfterLife coming true is 1 in 7 billion, yes, that's right, those are the odds, because everyone else is wanting Their Ideal Afterlife after the White Tunnel ends and so we are having Afterlives competition, ah, this is it, As Above so Below, we didn't have enough to compete with a knife between our teeth for our Survival on Earth, we are taking the Game All the Way Up into the AfterLife, "I'll be So Cool when I am Dead, watch me, I'll be Damn-ed if I won't get What I want for Myself Alone"

And so You Shall.

Wake Up, there is One Life, Here, One Life we are sharing in Breath, stop the Afterlife Casino in Your Mind for your Chance at Life, After Life means you are Dead, yes, quite an obvious realization many seems to miss out on, Here is where you have a Life, a sure one 'til you Breathe, this is where Heaven must be created as Life for All Living Beings and it Will, your Only Choice is if You'll be part of it or apart from it.

Equal Money - Heaven on Earth for All

Desteni - Support for Landing Available for All

Related articles

• Salvia divinorum
• A message to the Spiritual people - Day 287
• Day 155 - I Do Not Respect Your Beliefs!
• Day 239: Assumption as God - ADC - Part 86
• Day 249: Crown of Thorns and God - ADC - Part 96
• Day 254: Secret Geometry of Consciousness and God - Part 2 - ADC - Part 101
• Day 232: Creation or Self Creation: Why are we on Earth? - ADC - Part 79
• 111 - For Self Give