Day 345: Parenthood - Slaves cloning Slaves

There is a point in everyone life where we are either terrified of turning out like our parents or proud that we did, I am not sure which case shows the least brainwashing, apparently none because either ones accept in full the Mindset of their parents or tries to create a Whole New One for themselves, pity we don't seem to notice that what we use to create The New MindSet, the Raw material can only be what we have been given by the environment we share with our parents, by our Parents Mindset and their behavioral patterns.

There is therefore nothing 'original' in this world, an original is something that is created from nothing with nothing that has ever existed, according to the dictionary the definition of Original is

• Preceding all others in time; first.
• Not derived from something else; fresh and unusual: an original play, not an adaptation
• Being the source from which a copy, reproduction, or translation is made.

and none of us came First.

As I wrote in my previous post 'Is the Freedom we Seek Someone Else's Enslavement', I have realized that I had specifically alienated the word Freedom from myself not as something I could Live, but as something to obtain. 

In this parents play a pivotal role, I actually remember the day when my paranoia set in, the day when I started fearing my mother and from that fear how I built a Desire to be Free, which obviously meant my acceptance and allowance of my NON Freedom, a desire to be FREE from her which came to represent Fear in my Life because see, parents actually believe they own their children, when my mum was angry at me she would say things like 'I am your maker and I can un-make you'. This alone was pretty unsettling when I was a child and it brought up many questions about who really owned me, obviously those that fed me, I was a Property, the Birth certificate is a Deed that gives Rights to Parents over their Children (and to the State over everyone), it is actually legal that children are Owned by someone, because they are Slaves, born from Slaves and indoctrinated into the Slavery of Emotions and Feelings as Reward and punishment., just to be then introduced into the World Systems as Slaves of Money as Reward within the Fear of Punishment of Jail - just to state one.

How many have boarded the Guilt Trips with mum? or played the Blame game with siblings? or the Jealousy Game with Parents who play the child as they please, filling children with fears and seeking their tears to state who is the Boss, who is the Slave Master of the Plantation where their own Unforgiven Faults are planted as seeds that will grow into an ineffective Human, a product in fact, they are the Corporations little Elves, they make their children less than themselves so they can be more, establish Authority, put their Sin-natures on them, give them names, define them, encage them into personality plays that the children create in compliance with the many rules of their Rulers, never to be Equal, because Slaves can't raise Equals, just Equally Enslaved Little People.

When Children finally gain their 'Freedom', they are in fact buying it, no one gets out of the Family System if not entering the Monetary System and doing so becomes a Desire, joining the other billions of Slave Wagers becomes a Dream as we hope to outgrow our Slavery only to join into the Mainstream one, The WorkForce, where no one is paid enough to have a proper Life but just enough to survive.

We have created a world of Survivors, those that make it to outgrow their families and their clutches and all the energetic games that go all the way from emotions and feelings (You will hurt me if you do that - if you loved me for real you wouldn't do that- I am so disappointed at you- You ungrateful little shit.....) to the Money power games, those are just the playout of the same energetic games of establishing superiority in a world of Inferiors, Infirms, unable to move because it's either the energetic play that rules or the Money play to hold children back, to make sure they will build the life that were designed for them by their parents and that will toe the system line, obeying the Rules, The Laws which are nothing but Coercion into specific System Functional Behaviors.

Then, when a child enters the world, having understood that he can only Rule at this Game through Emotional Manipulation or through Money, he/she will do anything in their power to achieve one of the 2 MasterShip and either become a manipulative psychopath or a Rich psychopath, because the Ultimate Power is in the Money Game, and as we got it, we want to give it back in a loop of automated retaliation, but we won't be as obvious as our parents, we will get the Money and then BUY out other people's Lives, because Life is on Sale, you just have to name the Right Price.

I will continue tomorrow on how this intertwined my life with the world system and how I realized that this world is a Slavery System from which no one is exempt and how we try to buy our freedom enslaving others with the energy either of Emotions and Feelings or the Energy of Money, as within, so without.

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that whenever I reacted to my mother I was in fact her slave, enslaved to the triggers that she herself had placed in me which were her own triggers about inadequacy and for not seeing realizing and understanding that it is not about blaming anyone but about stopping the cycles of abuse so that we won't pass on what we have learnt to the children of the future but instead create for them a supportive world where energy is no longer the master of this creation either through thoughts emotions and feelings, or Money

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mother had my best interest at heart because I feared severing this relationship because the suffering that defined this relationship defined me and allowed me to live in a place where I did not have to be responsible because I was The Product of a Faulty Manufacturing Chain and as such, it was The Manufacturer responsibility to sort out my life and not mine

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to justify my mother and what she did because I felt pity for her and her inability to control herself without seeing realizing and understanding that as I justified her behavior with me, I justified what I had become as The Product of her education and I justified the belief that 'we are only human' 'everyone makes mistakes' granting to myself carte blanche for the mistakes I would make and for which I would not have to take responsibility as I accepted Human nature as inherently faulty and Evil and nothing we could do something about

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accumulate anger toward my mother and her energy games to such an extent that I resorted to pot to not kill her, to be able to manage a civil relationship instead of losing it as she used to do, because I feared that if one day I lost it there would be no return and I would not be able to control the damage I would inflict on her in retaliation for what she did to me as I was growing up

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I met my ex husband and he told me how he hated his mother and how he would never be her friend if she was not his mother, to feel a kinship, an attraction, based on the similar history of physical abuse that we shared and for not seeing, realizing and understanding that I was attracted to him because in my mind he stood up to her when he slapped her back and told her he would kill her next time she would lay a hand on him - while I accepted and allowed myself to subject myself to many more years of abuse just because I did not want to be the one that disowned a mother that would keep crawling back one way or another after her major outbursts

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to never sever the relationship with my mother because of Fear of what I would do if I failed, if I fucked up, considering that if I did it was her fault and she would have to provide a place for me to fall, because she made me and therefore she was responsible for the life I walked all the way to the end 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that with the solace of blaming another for who I turned out to be, I lost the power to change myself, because the power to change oneself and one's world equally can exist only in self responsibility and within this I forgive myself for abdicating my self responsibility in exchange for the safety net that would catch me when I would, eventually, fuck it all up

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that as I created a safety net for when I would fuck up, I then had to fuck up, because I tolerated the relationship with my mother to ensure that I wouldn't fall in the nothingness of existence and that was the point were we could even out our balance sheet and for not seeing, realizing and understanding that it is because I held on to a balance sheet that I had to fall, as I set this up as my desire for reconciliation, as a point where we could square the books instead of forgiving it all and walking an effective life for myself from which no one would have had to save me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to endure verbal and physical abuse because I believed that made me better than my mother when I didn't get down to 'her level' and proved that I was not as crazy, because I taught a limit to the voices in my head that they would not cross about suggesting I physically harm another while she had no limits and within this I forgive myself for imprinting myself with the viciousness that I transformed from physical into My words, and for using my words to harm others, to destroy, to belittle, instead of learning from what I saw did not work and creating something that worked for what is best for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not want to open the Pandora box that is my relationship with my mother and face the anger and the hatred that I felt and believed to be who I really am in fear that if I did I would never forgive her instead of seeing realizing and understanding that my mum was out of control and it was nothing personal and that she relied on me as a safe outlet for her energy outbursts that she did not know how to handle because she did not have the tools of self forgiveness even though I stand witness to how much she tried every therapy under the sun to effectively change herself - without result

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a Paranoid character regarding personal/intimate relationships, in which I feared that people I came in contact with could hide the same destructive thoughts that my mum would conjure up and for not seeing, realizing and understanding that I actually feared myself and what was in me of which I perceived I didn't have full awareness but should be ugly because I was a Clone of a woman with an Ugly/Disturbed Mind and I couldn't hope My Mind to be any better that what it was cloned from

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my own self trust as I made it my scope to live a life of suppression for safety reason, unwilling to share myself, unwilling to have children because I feared who I was and the damage I would replicate if I allowed myself to share myself or have children instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that in the FEAR of what I would discover if I were brave enough to dig into myself I could have healed and that I can heal now, by bringing back to myself all the scattered pieces of my existence, so I may realign myself to Oneness and Equality and stop my existence as a damaged/damaging piece of this Creation.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the Illusion I have become, because I feared no longer existing instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am not my thoughts, feelings and emotions and that I can stop myself from believing I am my past, I am my miss-takes, I am Inadequate, to rebuild an Adequate Mind that can stand in the face of what we will all have to face to straighten this world into a place where we can honour and trust each other, forever more. 

I commit myself to keep investigating where I have invested pieces of myself in relationship to my Family, so I may bring all points back to myself to realign myself to Equality and Oneness and what is best for all, for myself and all of existence, Equal and One.

Day 170: The (De)Grading of Children - Teacher Character

Yesterday I have seen my English student again, in less than 2 months she forgot almost everything we did together for the exam, plus she refused to take on some homework to build her vocabulary because 'that is not what the new English teacher asks her to do and grades her for', I have tried the common sense approach of explaining that a language is for communication and the vocabulary is a fundamental part of it, failed, she stuck to the grades point, asked her to put in 20 minutes a day extra curricula to keep her English up, she said no because she had too much to do, asked her to fill in 'at least' the part of the present continuous her teacher is explaining now, she said no because those homework were not given to her in class and she will not be graded for them.

At the height of my exasperation I told her ' I will tell your mum', way to go Ele, I justified 'scaring her' for her own good, because 'how can she not see they are fucking with her and in a country like Italy where soon everyone will have to migrate again she better get her English skills together, so I projected on her my own fears of the future that is waiting for all of us.

This was the result of a mounting irritation that took place during lesson yesterday, she could not focus and she made 2 jokes to which I reacted, one was about 'don't go to the park because is full of junkies' , the second was 'I am sorry for the little China Children but I will never give up my Nike shoes', basically I was one inch from desiring to slap her.

I tried to engage her on the 'poor children of China' conversation but we got to the point when she said, "Nike has cleaned up its act since they were caught abusing Child labor, so now it's all 'fine' again", that was not the point I tried to make but I wasn't even clear on the point I was trying to make myself so I let that go as I perceived the internal reaction and I knew I would have said something useless and sstupid just to make My Point.

SO what are the common sense words to speak to a kid to help them through this world, to explain that we, the Adults, are sorry for TheGrading them, that we wish we didn't build or accepted and allowed such a system in which children are deGraded and marked and then sold ideas that Life is about a pair of Nike shoes no matter at what cost they come to the market, that we are not separate, that we are One Life, and that saying 'fuck you' is basically 'fuck me', even if it doesn't seem so.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with irritation when my student said she won't do extra homework from the ones assigned, because she cannot see a value in education, instead of realizing I was irritated with myself because at her age I was all about grades and I couldn't give a shit about what I was learning or the fact that it would impact my ability to become effective in the system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not sort out my reaction through breathing but for tightening up in the 'teacher role' and 'how come you don't get it, you silly fuckup' because I felt self righteous as I saw myself 'knowing better' and 'what do you understand about the world, you sheep'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose myself into a backchat about my student instead of bringing myself back here in breath to take responsibility and direct that moment in common sense

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to 'schooling stories' and the 'horrors of the schooling system' because I wish to blame the schooling system for what I did not learn at school, such as geography, that led me to think I am geography Dumb because I cannot remember where countries are located on the map, in some cases not even after I visited them or lived there for a while

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that as I moved into the Teacher Role she moved into the Dumb Student Role and then reacted thinking I was the cause of her reaction as I believed my teachers were the cause of my reactions when I was her age

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am stupid for not fairing equally well in all subjects I was taught and for then when faced with a student, pass on my perception that unless you study what the teacher tells you and how the teacher tells you, you are stupid because you don't get that one day in your life you will need this skill such as speaking English, which was what my teachers told me/hinted to me when I did not study what I was not interested into

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not direct the point that arose yesterday when my student reacted to the idea of extra homework, because I was myself reacting to what I myself have done, as having moved into the 'Teacher Role' and having difficulties getting off that pedestal and then wishing to put her down, because as my authority was not recognized I felt diminished and then moved to diminish her, and isn't this what the wonderful world of teaching is all about? Teaching how we can abuse each other in our pursuit of power and value, and for this, I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose deliberately words that would highlight her lack in the subject of English instead of encouraging her to do better by breathing and putting myself in her shoes, having a truckload of mainly useless homework to do and feeling crushed by the uselessness of the system she lives in and as

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when faced with the schooling system, desire to wreck havoc, go to the school and point out that what they are doing to the kids is WRONG, instead of seeing I seek my own self righteousness of the awakened one vs the sleeping sheep which is NOT going to bring a change to this world, because only an overall system change will change the fuckup we have become, from education to everything else

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that Education is one of the fields in which we can see the trickle down effect at his best, where our own fuck ups of being TheGraded at School resulted in now wanting to DeGrade the new children, so they get some of what we have got, justifying the value of an education that is designed to assess the worthiness of the next slave and how to fit them proficiently into their role as cogs of the machine

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent having been graded at school, based on the moods of a teacher and on her preferences for some vs others, when in fact yesterday I was the teacher grading a student based on my mood while I was reacting and trying to just suppress my reaction because 'I don't want to be THAT kind of teacher'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished in my teacher Authority because, since I am not the one DeGrading her officially and since we no longer have the FEAR of the exam as a Motivator, I felt powerless to enforce something that would have 'been good for her' and having failed at imposing my common sense I moved into looking for another FEAR that could motivate her to do what is best for her, such as 'I will tell your mother', which of course created the opposite effect of moving her into solid resistance

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel powerless in the face of the fact that unless a kid is motivated by FEAR or REWARD there is NO WAY they will be interested to find in themselves the will to do what is best for them, which is what I do most of my time, seek for a motivation to move that can range from Money to Fear but is not yet self directed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the threat of FEAR on a kid that is already struggling with the FEAR of being DeGraded and cannot hear anymore what is best for her as in becoming an effective student and NOT giving in to the belief in Grades

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate and support a world in which kids are TheGraded so we can pass on to them our own limitations as the degraded ones, upgrading the system to now include debts and credits, showing them that life is a big banking system and their education just a trade tool on the market of flesh they will soon join to make a living

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that when we tell children about the shit world ahead and how they have to accumulate tools to compete and show them how much they need to fear everything out there in case they won't be able to make a living, we are pushing them further into this shithole that we created and endorse everyday until we stand for a system change for ALL

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'what a little fuckup' when she spoke about 'who cares about the little Children in China' instead of seeing Children are the product of this world and they don't give a shit because we don' give a shit about how goods are brought onto the market as long as 'I' have access to them to be able to present myself as the 'Image' of someone that fits some sort of 'Personality' failing to see, personalities are sold and bought, and there is nothing original in buying the most original shoes, because they have been originally designed for people who feel cloned and seek to 'become originals' like kids, which can't make sense of this world and seek outside of themselves'Who they Are' while we Prey for them to lure them into the traps of Consumerism because we need Young Blood to keep all of this going and we'll make sure we'll get them as young as we can

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel defeated by this system as in desiring to think and say 'nothing can change' instead of taking responsibility for my own Change so that I can prove to myself, The system Can Change, because I can Change.

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Day 121: Come My Child, Embrace Debt as Your Life

Scars of a whipped slave (April 2, 1863, Baton Rouge, Louisiana, USA. Original caption: "Overseer Artayou Carrier whipped me. I was two months in bed sore from the whipping. My master come after I was whipped; he discharged the overseer. The very words of poor Peter, taken as he sat for his picture." (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Today I gave my first English lesson to a kid who has to repair the ‘subject’ in September, a term that means she tore the subject apart -and not in the recommended Orthodox way- and now she has to fix it ?

I went through her homework and found out that she did study and did her homework and she did not need to ‘repair the subject in September’ meaning study all summer to reach a vote that qualifies her as ‘sufficient’ to pass, she would have needed some help in sorting out the subject and An effective schooling system that we do not have.

As she brought me up to date with the New Schooling System, she told me that ‘insufficient marks’ which are unilaterally decided by mostly frustrated teachers who hate their jobs and sometimes children too, are now called ‘Debts’, they are given some Bonus/Credits as well to use as wild cards to pull out to walk away from an Interrogation or a bad ‘mark’.

As I write all the words that are now connected with an Education System strike me as simply just absurd, debits, credits, good/bad marks, Interrogation, honestly how did we set up such a system and called it “Education” without specifying into WHAT are we educating Children today, Slaves to a system that brands them mercilessly to Divide them from Day 1 into Worthy and Unworthy, getting used to a Life of Debts, A Life as a Debt System.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when S. said that she could not repay her debt, referring to some homework at school

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed about this Creation of Ours in which we tell kids that they have debts to repay in school so we can prepare them for their dutiful Life of Debts

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move into my backchat as the Indignation Character about the rights and wrongs of this freaking system that pretends to educate children while what we are making sure to pass on is our own Debt System as The Way Things Are

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and embody the Indignation Character as a way to feel more and better than this System and in the specific this system of Education from which I desire to separate myself from

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support a world in which children are born into Debt, where we want them to pay for our own Lives of acceptances and allowances within  a system of abuse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that we are a hopeless bunch of  fuckwits and that I cannot see how this can possibly change if the system is tightening the bolts on Education to deliver perfect slaves for the system as we speak

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that it’s all hopeless if 14 years old kids are starting to be indoctrinated with the Debt system within their school curricula, instead of seeing how this highlights how urgent it is that we stand and take self responsibility to NOT accept and allow new generations of Slaves to come onto the marketplace where their Lives will be on Sale for Money and Profit

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry as I sat listening to how teachers abuse their positions of power to belittle children as an outlet for their frustrating lives of demeaning teaching of useless material that they have to teach because their livelihood depends on their ability to perform within their Role (Play), instead of directing this anger that I feel for this system as Abuse of Power, One and Equal to Me, to make my Change Real within a Breath by Breath commitment to make this system of Abuse STOP for All involved, which is just about everyone who is “alive” on the planet

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that Slavery is in fact an Economics problem, in which we have come to the most logical conclusion after having turned Life into numbers for Profit, meaning that the cheapest I can have something as goods or labor, the best my balance sheet will look like and the highest my Profit return will be, which means Slavery is just the perfect business choice that we will  keep making until we stop turning Life into a Commodity on a Balance Sheet

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is a good news about Modern Slavery, and that is that it is diminishing in our World, failing to see that numbers are manipulated to show the Everyday Slaves that they are doing well compared to Modern Day Slavery of no pay, no rights, no dignity, long hours of work and being disposed once consumed to death, while apparently the NON Slaves according to the Dictionary, meaning the Ones with Free Choice, are just Free to get a job and the Money that will guarantee that they do not turn into real Modern Slaves when out of Job and out of Money, having to sell their lives because at the moment Life is For Sale and the Right to Life Must Be Bought

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that the World is filled with Slaves, some have Money and some do not Have Money, and this divides us just into Richer and Poorer Slaves, nevertheless on a Planet ruled by Fear and Profit those who don't have the Money live in the Fear of Not making a Profit to buy their Right to Life and those living in the Profit gained from the Fear of others, live as well in the Fear that the tables will turn and they will have to face what we have done, while desperately trying to turn human lives into numbers to pretend that it was just numbers and that it was not personal, Just Business

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that things have changed/improved, since slaves times, as we bought into the pictures of how much harder times were BEFORE, as we allow ourselves to be imprinted with the History of Slaves, as the way things were, storing images and pictures from books and movies about the unfairness of the Old Time Slavery, failing to see that we are just being presented as kids with imaginary Changes of the world and the World system, so we may buy into the bullshit that Things Have Changed and have improved and how lucky we are and how great is The World that has recognized its faults, failing to see that we have just become more cruel and more cunning, and that when we saw that open-in-your-face-slavery-Egyptian-Style was no longer accepted and allowed, we went underground and built a Magnificent system of Slavery that never existed before, which, while it shows us and praises on our behalf  Our Freedom and Free Choice, it’s in fact holding everyone within an Invisible and Absolute Economic Slavery, where Life has to be bought and therefore we ourselves have become willing to sell it out to the highest bidder, making it our job to enslave ourselves as we accept and allow that there is No Other Way and so within our Acceptance and Allowance of our State of Slaves we hold the Masters in place, enslaved to their Creation as much as we are enslaved to Our Own, as Slaves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that there is no one to blame or hate here as we see and understand we are ALL the products of a system of Abuse we have ourselves created out of our Fear and that we are walking the manifested consequences of eons of time in which we have hoped that things would change, that we could wait for the next shift, the next spaceship, the next energy change from 3d to other Dimensions, without seeing realizing and understanding that it is BeCause we lost ourselves in Alternate Dimensions that the World has developed into something we no longer seem to have control over and that our fear of Not being in control as the other side of the coin of our Desire to not be in Control and Self responsible for ourselves and Our Creation, has driven us here and from here we really have to stand and self honestly ask ourselves, how long have we heard the Hopeful salvation bullshit while the world was heading toward implosion and wouldn't it be time that we stopped believing such crap, so we could accept that, right, no one is going to come, a shift is NOT going to happen by itself and we have finished the Dimensions in which we could Hide, as we have consumed everything and are now left in/on the Earth as The Eye of The Needle and we better find our way through it, because a Camel seemed to have more chances than the Rich as The Possessed to get through, so we'll have to get smarter than a Camel, leave Our Possessions behind and really work out how the fuck did we end up here, how did we design this self destructing machine as ourselves as The Mind, so we can STOP, Stand and Be this Change that we Can see is required for this World, for What is best for All, for ourselves and All of Existence, Equal and One




Self Commitment and Self Corrective Application to Follow

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Day 71: Desire for The Good Life and Shame as Me

When I go to sleep now I have my personal RSS feed of all the things I have not dealt with in my Life, so I can deal with them when I am awake.

Last night dream, I was in Shanghai with some friends even though like in all dreams it was not really Shanghai and I should say they were not really my friends, meaning what I believed friends were.

We were hungry and at one point I said I knew where to go to get us some food and told my friends to wait there. I jumped on a bus and went to a bar, had 3 sandwiches made, I ate my sandwich immediately because I was hungry, then in a strange twist of fate I jumped on a plane and came back home, it took me 4 hours (this is how I know it was not Shanghai), I had a shower, washed my hair, at some point in the dream I met an acupuncturist that told me he could solve my lack of taste and smell problem and he stuck one of the permanent needles on my' third eye', so in the dream I was aware of being conscious of checking my taste and smell for signs of improvement.

At one point I realized I would have to call my friends, I had prepared a story to tell about how I had been delayed and would be back soon, would call with the mobile so they would not know I was back in Italy. The mobile had no credit, that was not good, if I would call them with my land line they would know I was back in Italy and would wonder WTF, so next best plan was to return to the airport and just fly back, I would make up something to say on my way back, but I became preoccupied that there might not be flights back and I moved into anxiety and then I woke up.

So in this dream there are a few points of how I defined myself,

Me as the problem Solver, just give me a problem and I will tackle it, nothing is too big or too small for my cunning mind

Me as the asshole with friends, yeap, this is another definition of myself, as I lived in fear that nothing  could do was ever perfect enough or above reproach to the reproachable and at one point in my life I let loose, I just found out that it did not matter what you did as you would never ever meet everyone's expectations in full so do as you wish and then have a good story for it, or make it up

Me as the seeker for a solution outside of myself for what plagues me

Me as the anxious 'I've fucked up now what' ?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop and define myself as a problem solver because I saw solving problems as a point of value for myself  in a world that was full of them, where always having a solution no matter to the detriment of whom, would make me worthy and precious and give myself more chances to survive within the System

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive life as a long list of problems for which developing the skill of 'problem solving' was essential, especially after finding myself in a problem situation and seeing that I was not able to tackle it effectively when one of my past bosses had a heart attack at the office and he fell on the floor while we were walking next to each other and instead of staying cool I broke into tears because I saw my job and my future melt down in a trembling scared man, and I swore to myself I would mold myself into a problem solver that could tackle any situation to never ever have to feel as helpless as I did on that occasion

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed of myself for not knowing what to do the first time I faced a problem which was in fact a very simple thing as I should have called an ambulance and I had the number written on a piece of paper stuck on the wall in my office, yet I could not perform such a simple task effectively because I panicked and ended up calling 2 ambulances while I stood in both shame for my reaction and terror for my future

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a problem solver meaning someone that can be trusted while all the while I did not trust myself that if a situation that scared me would come up I would be as effective and cool as I wished to project myself but I could break down again, shaming myself and the ones who had put their trust in me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself that if something comes up I can face it even if I have not thoroughly prepared for it in and as me as The Mind and within this I forgive myself for not ever trusting myself in my life but relaying on others outside of me in which I placed my trust to solve my own personal problems like my financial and health problems

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to meet the perfect doctor that can fix my lack of smell and taste, because I doubt that I can in fact solve this problem by myself by applying Self forgiveness and self corrective application to get back into myself as the Physical and stopping my Life as a preprogrammed MCS

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself in that I can in fact do this task of bringing myself back into and as the physical because I rely on my history of never getting anything done as in finishing a task, because I have defined this walk back to Life as a task which is why I need a Time Frame and a plan 'to get it done", instead of accepting that it is not a TASK but a walk that will last until it is done and so I stop looking for timeframes within my head to pacify myself that I can do this as if it were a Marathon and I have to calculate my stamina and how to invest it, and I ACCEPT that I CAN DO THIS for as long as it takes even it is NOT TIME FRAMED AND TASK-YFIED

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear shame and being shamed, instead of seeing and realizing I am the only one that can put me through shame and that I usually move into shame when I fail to stand up to my own expectations and standards I have set for myself as an efficient problem solver

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as an asshole with my friends since I gave up trying to please everyone and I went back to just pleasing me, believing that there was never enough good stuff that I could do to have their respect and consideration and so I might just as well pretend to please them while making sure I pleased myself at least, within each and every endeavour I overtook, instead of seeing there was never anything good enough I could do for MY own respect and consideration  due to the self judgement of myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as Me in separation from Myself as Life Here in and as Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my behaviour with friend as 'asshol-ish', not because of what they perceived I did, which I found plenty of ways to justify and make sense of, but because of what I saw that I did, which was always scheming and plotting so I would have my cake and eat it too, and no one would be the wiser

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed of my friendships because they did not feel real no matter what I tried and invested in them, as there was always a feeling that I could not trust anyone as I failed to see that the one I really did not trust all the time was just myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put value in friendships in which I desired to be 'the best friend' as in having been given a star for a job well done, having fulfilled the friend requirements, failing to see that I sought exclusivity as value even from people I was aware I did not give a shit about, yet it was just another star for my star collection for my accomplishments in life, one of which was 'to be a good friend/possibly the best'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that desiring to be the best is just engaging the Inferiority/Superiority Construct, in which I felt inferior and so I desired to be superior, more, the best, and that every time the word "the best" is used, there must be a worst and I am back into the winner loser game just with a twist, desiring for myself the best and leaving behind the worse as thoughts and emotions and reality to be lived out by someone else

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see extra value in 'the best' of everything, for which I sought the best in my life for myself, be it food or experiences, uncaring about those that would have to live the worse because that is what I left behind, desiring the best to prove to myself that I was the best when in fact I believed I was the worst and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was the Worst

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my grandfather and grandmother teachings about the 'value of the best' while I could see even in my family that while my grandparents lived their 'the best ' life, my mum was left with the worse but I did not care as I followed my desires for the best even if these desires left my mum out as a call close to home of the damages of Inequality that I decided to NOT look at because there was no need to be upset by such things as this is the way life is, some get it sweeter and some get it harder and by God I was going to have it sweeter for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to collect leaflets of 5 star hotels, imprinting myself with the desire for a luxurious life, building up in my Mind Hopes and Dreams and expectation of how MY life was going to be, not like my mum's, a miserable slave life in government projects that I despised, my Life was going to be grand and if she was happy Being a Slave, too bad, her choice, without realizing that as I justified my desire for the best and superior life for myself and the existence of the slave life for my mother and herself, I in fact supported and justified the existence of all inequalities and iniquities in the world, as long as they would not touch me and my 5 star life, which I believed I chose for myself, not seeing I just walked on the tracks of my preprogrammed life and did not rebel to it because I saw ways to make it work for me and I did not care if others had to suffer along the way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have just a fleeting moment of joy when I was in Bangkok a few years ago and I discovered I was staying in one of the 100 best hotels in the world and I saw myself as having made my dream come true, having picked myself up from the shit hole existence my mum would have offered to me and tried to make me accept as a slave within the system, without realizing that it was just a moment and then I felt robbed by this dream that came true as not having any more anything to drive me to better and to best for myself and I saw that this was still not enough, that I still did not feel alive or accomplished and failed to see I was just a slave like my mother in a better looking cage

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to despise my mother for not wanting more for herself, for accepting quietly her life of misery where she was the one left out from the energy games that were going on in my family because she did not comply to the requirements of looking good and fashionable and stop wearing the horrible comfortable shoes she wore and instead make an effort like I did, so I could get into my grandparent's graces and be taken on holiday to the Grand Hotel when my mum was refused a loan from her mother but did not even tell me to not upset my relationship with the rich side of the family, failing to see that who I really despised was myself and within this I forgive myself for despising myself for the stand I took and did not take regarding my mother and our family

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as an asshole not starting with my friends, but going all the way back, to how I handled myself in the relationship between my family, for feeling guilty and shameful for not having a second thought about walking over my mum to get into the rich side of the family to make sure my survival was certain within the system, making up stories of perceived abuses and trespassing from my mum who worked 14 hours a day and sometime did lose her patience but was present as much as she could and yet her sacrifices and devotion angered me because I felt I owed her something and so it was easier to find faults and triggers within her personality that I could use to unleash her anger and justify why I had become this asshole that would leave her behind so I could have the good life while she tiptoed on the edge of this family never been made welcome because my grandmother, like me, had shame issues with her for having abandoned her as a kid as I perceived myself also abandoning her for my own self interest and desires

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to notice that this family shame was passed on to me as my grandmother lived as the suppressed shame of a woman who had to give up her daughter for her relationship with a man 5 year younger than her that started while my grandfather was at war, and that was our family big secret that was never spoken but in fact other stories were made up to cover up the secrets of shame that plagued my family and then myself  when I walked the same path of shame as who I was

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and define myself as the shame I felt for the life I have lived and for blaming this shame on my mum, seeing she was the cause of my shame because if she had never existed I would not have to feel ashamed for siding with my grandparents against her and so to put an end to this shame that I believed to be me as who I really am I desired my mum died or was never existed and that I was my grandma's daughter instead of her

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire that my mum died or never existed and for later desiring that my grandparents died too so I could inherit and live like Pippi Long Stockings, free and with money and a white horse and no more shame because all the ones that caused me shame were finally dead, instead of seeing and realizing I was always the origin and source of my own shame and the judgement of myself as an asshole, and within this I FORGIVE myself for accepting and allowing myself to live One and Equal to Shame as if Shame was who I really am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT realize that Pippi Longstocking/Happy Days/ The Brady Bunch, and all the other Bullshit movies and series, promoting Ideal Lives either with family or even better without, were just designed as another point of desire within a system of Consumers, giving kids and teenagers a fake impression of what was possible within a family that we in fact did not have as in the exhilarating lightness of being, while all along portraying families who HAD MONEY and therefore were beyond most of the problems ordinary families face everyday and that such shows lay the basis of a society of unfulfilled desires that started with what we did not have as a 'normal happy family' as portrayed by the TV and the Movies, because the normal ordinary families are in fact struggling with MONEY PROBLEMS EVERYDAY, and do not have time to be happy and lighthearted and take care of their children in a non damaging way, instead we allow ourselves to dream for better lives and HOPE to fulfill those desires with things that we see advertised that show EXPERIENCES that we could possibly buy for ourselves if we work hard enough and accept the destiny of our lives without caring about what everybody in this world is in fact facing in the physical reality of things

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the reality I wished for was just somewhere else to be found and not obviously in Italy where we did not have Happy days or White Horses and that this led me onto a Quest, looking for that elusive experience which is what we call 'a good life' while I dragged myself along, unsatisfied with everything I lived because it NEVER matched the Dreams I had piled up about beautiful happy lives within Happy families and Great friends, not seeing or realizing that those reality are just a make belief world as experiences and NOT Life, while I lived disregarding Life Here in every moment of Breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Life Here in every moment of Breath, because I found out that Here there is no energy moving me, driving me to the next dream and desired experience, and that Life Here in Breath is nothing like an experience of Spirituality with high feelings and Hopes for the next best thing to come, instead Life Here is what I make of it in every moment of Breath and has no experiential context or energy to move me but it requires that I move myself from one task to another by an act of Self Will through Self Directive principle to stand Here in as Breath as Life in Oneness and Equality for What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear leaving behind my life that I have defined as a series of experiences, looking for the best one all the time, failing to see that when I define Life as an experience I am living a Self Delusion of Energy which is Not Life and to which I have abdicated Life Here in and as Breath because I chose the exciting ride over the simplicity of Life as Breath, and within this I forgive myself for choosing excitement and self fulfillment over Life in Oneness and Equality and What is best for All

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself and others in fear for  my own survival, having identified Money as the Source of Happiness and All that IS Good and yet for not having ever considered that if Life was Good and safe only with Money, Money should be Equally Given as Life to All, to stop what we have become as in stopping our Fear of Survival we would have the time to reassess ourselves and make amends to ourselves and others for not having lived as Life One and Equal but as Monsters seeking the next source of Money as Energy as Life as what we have accepted and allowed Money to become

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anxious because 'I have fucked up now what?' and for not realizing this is not relative to a specific event, but to my life in general as I have judged my life experience as a series of unstoppable fuck ups in which I outdid myself with time in growing into the Asshole of the century, and that I will never in fact be able to fix The Past, instead of realizing I feel anxious because of my own judgements that there was nothing I could ever do to fix myself, but now that I have discovered the Desteni Tools I see that I can delete what I have done and who I believe and perceived I have been and how I have defined myself, so that I can rewrite myself into a Self Honest being that supports Life and no longer seek the ever elusive value of Energy/Experiences/Money above Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Experiences that would lead to my filing of Happy Memories were more important that Life as Me, Here in every moment of Breath, failing to see that no matter how good some of my experiences I have filed both, the negative and the positive, because my Life has been a Life of Polarity and Duality and the Good can never come without the Bad, and that to Stop the Bad of this world the Good must go as well, so that Life as Breath, Here, beyond polarities can be born from the Physical in Oneness and Equality and What is best for All.

I commit myself to stop my existence as Desire for Experiences, as I see realize and understand that experiences are not Life and they leave behind memories that are Not Life, on which we base the rest of experiences to come in a never ending loop of dissatisfaction from one energy high to an energy drop, instead of giving up experiences as Energy delusions and embracing Life Here in and as every moment of Breath

I commit myself to embrace Life Here in every moment of Breath, one Breath at the Time