Saturday, November 24, 2012

Day 198: Evil in Childhood - Hoarding for Value

So, as a consequence of Money and my Under-standing of it as a Child, I learned to monetize everything.

A few days ago at the supermarket a kid was running around his mum pointing out all the offers 'look mum this is only 2.75, muuuumm this is 2.50', seeking for his mother's approval, learning that food has a value, a prize and we have to go for the cheapest one, mum's job is to make ends meet so lives are spent looking for offers, sales, what's cheap this week, what can we afford.

In turn we sustain the 'Economy of Cheap', unaware of the real Costs in terms of Human Lives in the world, because as I tried to explain many times to my idiotic/greedy Italian boss who had set in mind to purchase Metal goods from China at a price lower that the published going rate for Metal, you simply can't. There is a bottom line to cheapness and we have crossed it quite some time ago. When we look for things we don't need at prices that are lower than the cost of the raw material, even if we are ignorant, if we stop to ask some questions we must be able to see that someone must be working 'for free' to manufacture them, just to feed this system that we ourselves have created and become of seeking out bargains, the lower, the lowest price we are willing/able to pay for something and instead of demanding that everything is reconsidered to stop the abusive system we have created, we look for other suppliers, people willing to pay their workers less, give them less benefits, less coverage, less to them so we can have more. But this is digressing from my childhood, so back on track.

When I was a kid I did not take this route, I felt ashamed for my mum always counting money, it was not 'elegant', plus my grandparents who splurged made remarks about people who 'always talk about money' were vulgar, this word in Italian means 'common' in its original root, being common was Not Good, being Above the Common was the desirable condition, so I became the kid that would roll her eyes when questioned about money by my mum and when constantly prodded to realize its value and not the kid like the one above helping out and running from shelf to shelf to contribute to 'money saving' in the understanding of the family situation.

I did that because I could, I lived in between the Third World and the First World, Third Class and First Class, the only thing I had to do was to endure the week, then the weekend would come and I would be lifted out of the Misery of our lives into the riches of my grandparents' boundless lifestyle.

What I did not see at the time, was that my grandparents rich lifestyle and apparent Money 'snobbery' was just another form of Money Fear, they just did not want to talk about it because Italy is Not America, rag to riches stories here underline the RAG and not the Riches, and every Rag-ger wants to forget where they came from, it's important for the Act they are now playing, Old Money and New Money is not the same and doesn't have the Same Value. So everyone likes to forget their roots in favour of the Higher Value they can get for themselves if they can have everyone believe 'they are Old Money' which means REALLY entitled to Wealth and Luxury, they did not have to Earn it, only New Money is Earned, Old Money is given, Old Money it's a State of Mind we all wish to belong to, the certainty that one can NEVER revert back to Not having because there was Never a Not Having apparently within Old Money FamiLies.

So in the attempt to exorcise their fear of Ragging back to where they came from, Money became a Taboo, a thing for the vulgar, the commoners like my mother who did not have a choice but to rag it out because she couldn't work any more than she did, we already lived in the Government Housing, shopped only once a week and had one meager fridge that was plenty for the food we had to put inside, while at my grandparents food was hoarded in 2 fridges, at the time I saw it as a result of the war and having lived hunger, but it was not, it was the pleasure of hoarding what you don't need, they did that with things, plates, glasses, silver, clothes, shoes, jewellery, things that were stored in cabinets and not used, just for the pleasure of hoarding as Value, everything in their house had a mental -and spoken out loud within the family- price tag.

They were worth the sum of their things.

SO naturally, within my possibilities, I became a hoarder too, as a kid I collected water tattoos, I kept them in a pile held by an elastic and showed them to my friends. They were bought at the news stall in small packets of 5, each of my friend could only maybe buy one packet weekly, but me, due to my hidden secret money could buy tens at the time, I would sort out the doubles for exchange and keep the best for myself. Then I would show them to my courtyard friends, I did not use them, I did not like to stick these plasticky things on my skin, I just enjoyed their jealousy and envy, they gave me value, until one day, one of them couldn't contain it anymore the 'negative emotions', broke into my house while we were out and took half of them, my best ones.

I was gutted.

It took some time before she came clean about it and apologized, she even gave me back some of them but they had lost their magic power, they had been contaminated out of my hoarding hands and the 'feeling' I was able to gain from them was forever gone.

The lesson I learned from this as a Child: hoarding must be done in secret to not move too much envy and jealousy -something I have seen later in life is shared by the Chinese Culture for example, not the Italian one- as that leads to consequences such as theft and the 'contamination ' of private property.

Did I question Why I had more rights than other kids to what I had? No. Because it worked for me.

In fact my mum who pushed for me to see the inequality and the point that I had to share was just a loser in my eyes and her behavior was the reason why she had not made it up there where my grandparents were, with 2 fridges and a big house, all her stupid sharing ideas and look where they got her.

And so I made myself into a successful hoarder with a twist, if I lost something or had something stolen I would push to let it go, just so I would not have to re-live the feelings of violation and abuse for having been made to see that Inequality will lead to some not being happy about it that will keep what you lost or steal what you have in an attempt to leverage the play field. because if I did take that into consideration I would have to question if this is a possible way to live, if the thieves are the ones that are committing the crime or if the hoarders are the criminals piling up what they don't need, taking from what should belong to all, just to add value to themselves, a value from which they separated when they bought into the idea that things and money have value and not Life, and by accepting this belief condemned themselves to seek to pile up the value for themselves leaving some out in the cold fending for their lives. Which was what I did.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my value lies in what I have and what I can accumulate as a sign that I am not common and as such not 'vulgar'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define 'vulgarity' as being Money aware, instead of seeing and realizing that vulgar means Common and that not having Money or not having enough is Common and therefore there is a system problem in the way we are managing this world

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I didn't copy my grandparents behavior I would be left with my mother's behavior that led her to a life of financial misery always trying to make ends meet, which was something I feared

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear having to make ends meet and not having enough for myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define pleasure through hoarding in the hope to make others jealous and envious because those emotions showed me I had more, was more and therefore worth more than others in my search for value above others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek value for myself above others through hoarding what I did not need

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a kid, collect things that I did not necessarily want or use, such as water tattoos, just because others wanted them and within me having what other wanted I was buying value for myself and leaving them value/worth-less

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as a kid, feel resentment for my friend that broke in and came and took from me what was the source of the ill feelings she felt, so she could stop feeling the way she did, which I wished for her to feel, because in her feeling less through jealousy and envy I got to feel more about myself and for wishing others to feel less so I could feel more I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the resentment I felt was for myself, for having created such a situation of inequality, of hoarding beyond my needs something I did not care for, just so someone else could feel bad about it so I could feel good, and for desiring to make others feel bad so I would get to feel good about myself I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make my grandparents 'more' than my mother in my eyes, just based on what they owned and possessed, instead of seeing and realizing it was because they felt less that they hoarded stuff to feel more about themselves by showing off and making others uncomfortable about what they possessed, that others did not

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty and ashamed for my attempts to diminish my mother in my eyes and make it her fault that she did not have access to the same things my grandparents had, so I wouldn't have to make it my responsibility to stop the crap of diminishing others through possessions but I could instead join in with my grandparents who had more and with whom I felt less afraid that I could be out in the cold any moment if I did not have Money to take care of myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to change my Hoarder Personality into a Discreet Hoarder personality in fear that what I hoarded would be taken from me, instead of stopping the hoarding altogether so that I am one less leech on this planet that goes for what is not needed in a planet where some can't meet their needs so that some can have all their wants fulfilled

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I let go of my ability to accumulate something, which is just food at the moment, then I would be in danger for my life, I would have to fear what would happen to me if I did not have 'more than enough' stored away and I didn't want to face this fear and come to terms with it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define my life as my ability to earn and produce money and then spend it on things that I don't need or even want, instead of stopping and realizing that if I am driven by the desire to own things I don't care for, who and what is driving me if not myself?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I have been driven into owning, possessing and hoarding by and through a system that needs my "desires to be more" activated and then maneuvered into an answer that is Money and Stuff that I need Money to access, so that I can become a faithful servant to this system of consumerism, playing my part in the game of purr-chasing substance for my own energetic experiences, instead of stopping my desire for my energetic experiences so that I can no longer be moved or used as a pawn to keep this system in place

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the next thing I get will make me happy, even though so far no 'thing' I got has had any lasting 'happy' effect on me, including food

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be run by the fear of not having enough, of not being enough, of the future of what can happen to me within a system that clearly doesn't support anyone that doesn't have money in their pockets, instead of standing for a solution that can in fact stop this fear for all so we may start to rebuild a world that is not driven by desires to be more but by the Equality and Oneness of the Life we all share

I commit myself to stop buying and hoarding what I don't need and this includes food, as I see realize and understand that there is no reason but Fear driving this behavior and my desire to be more, which has now manifested in me being more, fatter in fact, so I can show myself that no one needs more than what is required to live and that pretending to give up hoarding, turning my hoarding to food is not working and is no longer an invisible hoarding and is just a visual reminder of what I have to let go to stop my self created brainwashing and mind control

I commit myself to myself, to support myself unconditionally through this transition from a hoarder to a common sense being, stopping the judgements of myself for what I have done and what I have been, which stand in the way of my change which is best for me and best for all

I commit myself to embrace myself during this transition, giving myself the support I want to see in this world for myself and every living being, Equal and One

I commit myself to support an Equal Money System and to explain to all those ready and willing to hear, why and how we need to change individually to become the bricks that can sustain a New World, where fear will no longer exist for anyone and Life will be born from the physical to reclaim this World once and for all.

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