I am still walking my Food Persona as that is quite wide and has many facets to correct.
Within this today I knew I watched this great animation about Choice, which tied in quite nicely.
I will take this delusion of Choice into my relationship with Food to start with.
So, as a kid, my mum was raising me single handedly and we did not have Money for Choices, we just had enough Money to survive, she would shop for food once a week and I would watch the fridge empty out til the coming Saturday when we would shop at the Open market again. I did not like that, as toward the end of the week food choices would become limited, specifically because I had other choices in my life, I could go to my grandparents who lived comfortable lives and open one of their 2 always overflowing fridges or just go shopping with them to fill the cart with 'whatever I wanted'.
In Italian there is a saying my mum used to repeat to me 'The 'I want' Grass only grows in the King's garden', meaning I had no rights to 'wants' but only to 'needs'. On the contrary when I went to my grandparents I had plenty access to the 'I want' grass, they didn't only make it available, they pushed it on me, they were the Pushers of my Illusion of Choice.
As I started to walk back my Life in Self Honesty I had to face the fact that my grandparents 'Love' for me was in fact 'Spite' toward my mum, they enjoyed giving me what they were still not willing to give to her, they enjoyed the friction this created between me and my mum as that made them good when they feared to be bad and that they were the cause of some of my mum's mental problems, and they were too.
On my side walking back has brought me a lot of shame, as I saw and realized how I made up a whole bunch of Characters to cover up what I experienced for selling out my mum for Riches and the Illusion of Choice, for the Hope of my own place in the Paradise of the Rich, I would have dumped her anytime in the Money Short Hell she created for herself -this one of my justifications, she built the life that sucked and that she was now living out, why join in?-, but that was not enough, I had to make it her fault. These days when I read the comments on our posts about 'how good we are truly' I feel rage, not to the people that post the comment, to myself, that I could ever even believe it and cover up my misfits with Love and Light it took some balls, in truth my mum was the most caring of my Family which is why possibly she was the one struggling the most with Life, she would pick up stranded strangers, always step in to break a fight, she stood up for injustice so I feared that I might end up like her if I ever cared too much, with one foot in a Mental Asylum and a backstabbing family and made my choice.
Stick to the rich backstabbers, keep your friends close but your enemies closer.
This of course drove my mum closer to craziness, sometimes she would try to make me give back what I was given by my grandparents or not allow me to go on special trips and treats, that was her way to try to lever the Field, to reduce the unfair advantage she perceived they had on me as she could not match the Money required to buy me out, my price had gone up on the Family stock market and she didn't have enough Money to sit and play.
Coming from a Catholic background I had to live with the perception of myself not as One of the bad Apostles, but as Two of them, I was both Peter and Judas, Peter as the traitor, every time I promised to myself I would stand up for my mum, but then like Peter, before the cock sang 3 times I was sold out, and then Judas for the freaking Sweets, give me my fix, give me my happiness in a candy wrap, I'll give you the woman you want, my life is safer with you anyway, what if she does end up in a Mental place and I have alienated you? No fucking way.
So, Food as the Illusion of Choice became the bag of the 33 dinars, food became the unhealthy thread that justified what I did and since I condemned myself for my sell out, in my own condemnation I kept this link alive, I con-damned myself to this servitude to Food, made it my Master and became its slave.
Where is the Free Choice in Our Lives, Really? Aren't we the product of our environment, of the information as 'genies' we download from our family line, of our society passed on and then embedded in the Flesh Fears for our own Survival,.
Where was my Free Choice to be something else, where is our Free Choice now when our Lives are tied into a Monetary system that thrives on the Illusion of Choice, showing us continuously how much Choice we have starting from Food, look you can have 350 types of cheese, 50 types of cereal, 200 types of candies, 300 types of drinks, we'll tell you which ones to buy by flashing into your brains Happy ads to show you Which Choices to make, follow the happy faces, the Happy dreams, the happy boxes, drawings, characters, follow the Illusion of Choice, it is deliberately created, Avracadavred into the World Harry Potter style, Believe It, you are SO FREE, look how much Choice you Have even only about FOOD, follow the next trend, the next white rabbit, because if you do wake up to the fact that that's about it, those are The Only Choices you are prompted and designed to believe you can make, not the Choices that Matter, like where is Public Money spent, on which Priorities, who says that arming a country to its teeth against Imaginary Enemies is a Priority and not a Mental Illness, don't go there, stay focused on Food, look what we cooked for you, grated, spiced up, minced, don't look at the substance, look at the Magic of It All, or this System runs the serious danger of being Fucked for good and asked to Change Once and for All.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a state of servitude between myself and Food in the name of my delusional, illusory Right to Free Choice
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the Food 'Choices' I was given by my grandparents were not meant for my good but for other energetic manipulative reasons that involved my mum and what was best for them and not what was best for me or my mum
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my grandparents loved me MORE because they gave me access to everything I wanted while my mum did not, ending up associating 'Love' with being given something, being rewarded, being pacified, abdicating my responsibility toward myself for Self Love and Unconditional Self Acceptance
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to sell out for Food and for perceiving and judging myself like a traitor and someone who did not deserve to live due to what I deliberately did to my mum by choosing my wants over what is best for all and for entering a spiral of embitterment that I believed could only be placated and sedated by Sugar and Sweets
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make up Characters and Personas to justify why I had a right to do what I did to my mum because I could not face the shame I felt for myself and how I would do it again and again just to stay in the graces of the rich people of my family and when the shame became too big I split into alternate personalities that had reasons and motives to justify my behavior
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to treasure my right to "free choice' without realizing that I was never Free and that I was choosing between poisons that my family would happily feed me to conquer me and my love in the face of the fact that the food I chose was not good for me nor supportive to my body
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent my mum cheap approach to shopping without realizing that she did not have a choice and she did what she could with the money she had, but since I had embraced my new "Rich Granddaughter Character" I grew in Entitlement and resentment in the same proportion, seeing my mum as deliberately NOT wanting to cater to my wants, unlike my grandparents, and therefore Not Loving me or she would have done it differently, she would have given me MORE and especially MORE choice, instead of just feeding me for sustenance without caring about my preferences and whims and desires
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my sense of Misery for having to return home from my grandparents home on her making Her responsible for the Choices that were not available to me at home, failing to see that my mum was just a slave in a system of Inequality and the fact that she tried to make her life work did not make her less than a slave, but just a slave who tried to survive day by day
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my mum as someone who was doing something 'wrong' because if she was right, like my grandparents, married and rich, she would have a husband and more money and I would have had a better Life instead o the life of limited choices she could offer to me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the system was fine and it was my mum out of whack, because this system worked for other people, like my grandparents, instead of facing the injustice of the system we live in, where a mother has limited choices and can be overcome, deleted, annihilated by others who have More Choices, because we are all secretly seeking our Right to Choose in Self Interest, instead of standing up for the Right of All to have access to the Same Good Choices and stop all suffering on Earth once and for All.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify this system, hoping that I would make it to the top, not like my mum who didn't and seemed to not even mind about it, instead of seeing that a System where some have All Choices and some none must be a System that is Not Right, and for deliberately missing out on this point even when faced by it inside my own Home, because it was easier to blame my mum for her underachievement than to stand in Self responsibility as a point of self correction to guarantee that a Dignified Life and Equal Choices will be available for All, and they will within an Equal Money System which I support unconditionally, for myself and All of Existence, Equal and One
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