Friday, November 23, 2012

Day 197: Evil in Childhood - Under-Standing Money

Much of the current system and its rules has been taught to us. Deliberately.
We were not born with the understanding of how things worked, so we can say that the limitations we carry that had us believe that this system is what we have to accept (and allow) came from our FamiLies.

When I was a kid as I said before, I had access to Money that I could keep all to myself, since I did not have to 'declare' it, I did not have to share it either, in fact I had the excuse that since I was asked by my grandparents to 'not tell' I shouldn't or I would be a traitor.

When I looked into how I started to understand Money, a memory popped up of once when I was given Money to go and buy something and then by mistake I threw away a banknote of 10.000 Liras, the equivalent of 5 euros today. Over forty years ago it was a relevant sum.

My mum was very upset when I got home, she asked me to please remember where I had lost it, even though I could somehow recall making a ball with it with other papers and just throwing it away, which I couldn't bring myself to say, instead I said I lost it because if I said 'I believe I threw it away' I didn't know what I would have had to face. 
She asked me to go out and walk my path backward and look for it, money doesn't grow on trees, and to hope noone found it before me.

I remember walking out of our home and going on this errand in a frenzy and in a state of utter anxiety, I was very upset for disappointing my mum too and I feared that if I would not find this money something would change forever in my home. I had no clue where I could have possibly thrown it away -if I had done that-, so I replayed in my mind everything I did, including the trashcans where I may have put it with other papers. 
I don't even remember if I found it or not, it would be more likely Not than yes as I have not registered a change in this event but the basic raw anxiety that went with it..

When my mum talked about Money it was always in the contest of making me aware of its value 'you know how much that costs?' 'you know how much I spent for this/that ?' and the message, always loaded with FEAR, was that I should learn to respect Money, not just as a tool for exchange, but as something limited in its very nature and its access, a reality that families like mine, with a single working parent, would have to face.

On the other extreme of my family there were my grandparents, the ones who had a nice home and a wealthy lifestyle that included travelling. My grandmother was a big spender and a big tipper, she enjoyed the gratefulness and the respect she could buy with tipping, the title of 'generosity' which was only for herself and could only be given by strangers, maids, taxi drivers, the caretaker. Once when my mum asked her a loan, she said NO. My mother gratefulness was not valuable enough.

So I under-stood Money as way of/to life more than a mean for exchange, money was clearly a power tool, it was desired, desirable and who held it got respect. Who didn't had to suck it up.

Two days ago I was supposed to go to the bank to deposit some cash, I had taken the money with me inside an envelope in my gym bag, when I arrived home, in a rush, I attached the gym bag to a chair in the kitchen and threw my jacket over it and forgot about it.

Yesterday when I got up and remembered I had been unable to deposit that money the day before, I looked for my Gym bag and couldn't find it. After looking in all the obvious places and not finding it I immediately went into a state of anxiety at the thought I had lost that Money and I would not be in a position to make it up again and then went into a backward trip in my mind trying to trace my steps and whereabouts to pinpoint where I could have possibly lost it, thinking how stupid I was for going around with cash in an envelope inside a gym bag, remembering all the things I lost in my life when I was a pot smoker and always living on a cloud.

I con-vinced myself I had lost the bag and then another image came up of 'how would I tell my mother', as if this was any of her business, but it seems to be because the little money I have left in the bank she gave it to me, so it's like a loan, and not mine, it seems money is never ours unless we earned it, which is one of the reasons why as I exist within this belief I stand as well in the way of an Equal Money System, because I myself don't believe anyone is entitled to money they have not earned, funny because if this was true, what about the Elite that has never done a day of work? They seem entitled to it, I believed they were.

Many things to realign to get out of the way and stand one and equal to the Money System as myself to redirect it as me to Oneness and Equality and what is best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that Money has to be respected because money holds the power of granting peace of mind or hell in its absence to anyone a will

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself into experiences of anxiety and fear and for existing as an experience of anxiety and fear related to Money since I was a kid because my mum feared and had anxiety over money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am separate from money and the money system when in fact everything exists made out of the same substance whatever form it took in this physical life experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself differently when I have money and when I don't have money all the way through experiencing myself differently even when I just 'think or believe' that I don't have money vs having money, such as I experienced yesterday when for 5 minutes I believed I had lost the money I was supposed to deposit at the bank

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance to both having money, in fear of losing it, and not having money in fear of survival, polarizing both my experiences of myself within and as money and causing separation through my experience between money as me and who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and think 'I am stupid' because I believed I had lost the money I was supposed to deposit and I immediately moved into scanning memories of the past of when I had previously judged myself as lightheaded and dumb for losing things due to the fact of not being here but away on mind trips, that I used to disconnect from the physical reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine what would happen to me if I had lost that money and to feel the dread of the loss of an amount I was counting on because I have accepted and allowed myself to move out of the world system and the money making machine and within this I forgive myself that I have been so angry at myself for the wrong money choices I made and money I wasted that I could now have used to support myself in a more dignified way and to support what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine the moment in which 'I would have to tell my mum' sending myself on a time machine, back to Kid-dom and that moment in which I lost money and then I had to face the consequence of the damage I perceived I did to my family in my irresponsibility of not giving money Enough Importance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, due to how I have defined the moment I am living in relation to money as 'hopeless', imagine all the negative consequences of losing money as something irreplaceable in my current situation, scaring myself to the point that my body tightened up and I felt a ball of anxiety in my chest and heat and tightening and panic and for accepting and allowing myself to manifest a physical consequence and discomfort to myself as my physical body I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that money cannot be owned unless it is earned, and since the money I have has been given to me by my mum, I live in a state of mental debt due to Money, accepting and allowing myself to feel indebted to my mum, to feel that the money I have is not mine, that my life that I have is owned and tied into money and the money system in separation of myself and that now it belongs to my creditor as my mother and within this I forgive myself for holding such belief that stands in the way of a world where no one will have to earn a living, or owe their living to someone else, because we are alive and the living is granted and the money system will have to realign to this truth of Equality and Oneness and a granted life to all as I realign to my own right to life beyond having to buy out or owe this right to someone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the political scene, giving up on it many years ago within the belief that nothing changes, nothing can be changed, when in fact the change can take place within a system as a mirror when the parts reflecting in it change and realign to Oneness and Equality and what is best for All

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel burdened by lack of money, by not having yet found a way to support myself consistently within this system, by believing that there is no support in this system, when system support starts with me supporting myself to move out of the Mind consistently, refusing to participate in the creation of further separation of myself with everything that exists and so

I commit myself to support myself to stop my existence as Standing-Under Money as the Ruler of this existence and to step by step, breath by breath, equalize myself to this system, Money and Existence as the Directive principle of how things must change and become in realignment to Oneness and Equality for a world that is Best for All

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