Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Day 195: The Evil in Childhood

First I want to redefine the word Evil for myself as it has much negative/bad/dark/ EVIL lol charge that approaching this subject still makes me cringe at some level, nothing in comparison to prior my meeting with Desteni, when I would have shivers at the mention of Evil or Demons, but there is still a sense of uneasiness in walking this topic, even more if the topic is Evil in Childhood= Anathema.

In fact what is Evil if not Live backward? The point that we have never been One and Equal to Life, living the Oneness and Equality of who we could have been, giving to each other what we would have liked to receive, but no, we had to become winners on a planet of Losers, we had to be more than another in fear of being less, we had to find meaning in our Being-ness instead of just Being here expressing ourselves in real Freedom with One another, sharing this planet and a Dignified Life in which we would be real support for one another, real Human Beings instead of backstabbing evil demons, hence we lived, existed and did it all backward.

I never believed in the innocence of children, I had my reasons, I don't recall myself as innocent ever, my memories start with deception and manipulation and a sense of being lost in a place no one seemed to know much about including the WHY we are Here and what we are supposed to do. Stretching the story of 'living; into something 'beautiful' is just that, a huge stretch of the imagination, my childhood years from when I can remember where made of anxiety, a feeling of being out of place, not belonging and a huge fear that this place wasn't even a bit safe, and the sense of not being safe started with my family, I didn't trust them one bit.

When my girlfriends started to have children, I never changed my mind, I had a lot of guilt too due to believing that I was able to see right through children and not being able to buy into the crap of their 'good intentions and good hearts', we are not born with good intentions, we are on a survival trip, no matter the stories we tell each other about our goodness or other's goodness they are all hard to believe if we really want to see the truth in all our current interactions, if we miss them, there is a whole World showcase to catch up, the World as a Mirror of Ourselves.

In this I always saw myself at an advantage, I just did not Really believe in Goodness, pretended to, made efforts to, wanted to, but from my experience if you dug deep enough the underlining bullshit would come up in everyone, priests, teachers, nuns, 'la creme de la creme' was still the 'same old same old' bullshitting in sheep's clothes.

This started in childhood, a memory comes up of a time in which I spoke with a baby's voice to charm my step-grandmother, she did not like me, not openly because she was still a Step away from the main Blood family, but when we were alone she was nasty and she would tell me I was a liar and not good, I feared that she saw the bullshitter in me and around her I suppressed much until I found a Character she enjoyed, the subservient one. My mum was another point of self doubt in my life, some of the things she said about me and my clever manipulations were just too embarrassing to hear, some were true and some were not, but even the ones that were not I started to believe they must be true, that maybe those were my 'ulterior motifs' this just lead me to improve my bullshitter skills, to find ways to promote my Characters better, adjust them, fine tune them, until I found the right mix that could keep most of them happy and myself out of trouble.

Interestingly this movement within me had an unexpected side effect: since everyone seemed out 'to expose me and my evil ways' I first started to believe that they were better than me, they must be better or how would they dare calling a spade a spade -was I a Spade-, they must Not be a Spade for such Dare. So a Character was created as 'I am the Worst, everyone is better as in More Good than me'. So through my life I pushed to trust people based on this belief, much of my discoveries did not match this assumption, but I insisted, there was a consolation in the belief that if I am No Good, maybe someone out there is, there better be someone good out there, I am sure there is and I'll find them out and join them.

This Character would thrive on making up excuses for others, hoping they would in return excuse me, justify me for who I was and had accepted and allowed myself to become.

But it never applied to Children, it's like I froze my awareness about the Evil of this world into Childhood and could never move past it and then I went on seeking the good in Adults, fat chance, yet the resistance to see the Evil in everyone is still occasionally there, meaning I see it and then pretend not to, hope they won't see mine either, so we can keep playing the Hide and Seek of this Evil existence into oblivion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself as a kid believing I was not Good Enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe as a kid that I was bad and evil and one of a kind instead of realizing I was in the process of aligning to this world and the examples I saw around me and what I understood it was required of me to survive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loathe myself as a kid for giving up on myself and for then projecting this perceived hatred that I believed to be me on other kids because I could not buy their bullshit for a second, just because I had become too devious to be able to buy mine

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base the definition of myself on how others said 'they saw me for my true colours' even when my colors where still in the process of becoming clear to myself or others, taking personally what others exposed about themselves as something about me until I believed that everything they said about me must be true because they were the adults in the equation and they were the ones who knew better

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilt because I could clearly see the darkness and evilness of children since I was exposed to my own at a very early age, instead of seeing and realizing I had bought into the same projection game and was now doing to children what was done to me as a child

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I was really bad and evil for seeing reality for what it was, until I stopped and tried my best to align with Not seeing reality for what it is so I could have some peace of Mind and stop asking myself questions that no one had answers to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty and believe that guilt to be who I am, when my girlfriends had kids and I could not see those kids as pure and innocent through the eyes of their mothers/my girlfriends no matter how much I wanted it, and for suppressing what I believed I saw because it was inappropriate, because at some level I was aware that what I saw was about me as my stored self judgements and condemnations and no one else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a Storyteller Character because reality was not good enough, not funny enough, not entertaining enough to guarantee I could access the approval of others and as such I had to spice it up, until I would con-fuse myself into alternate reality making myself unable to distinguish what really happened after I changed the stories I told so many times to fit the audience I was telling them to and for creating alternate realities for myself as a kid through storytelling reality I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to betray myself by abdicating who I am to the Mind to live the Life that was designed for me and not the Life I could have been as Breath Here in and as the Physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous and envious of other kids who seemed to have a 'better life', 'better parents', comparing myself with my family and thinking I could not possibly belong there, what was I doing with 'those people' and why was I supposed to love them when in fact most of the time I just plainly feared them and then felt guilty for fearing my own family which added to the belief that I was evil and bad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be merciless toward the kid I have been, wanting to disown myself as I perceived and then believed I was dishonorable by the age of 10 and that was not the road to the kind of human being I wanted to become as a 'good human being' and yet the road seemed set before me and I could just walk it because I believed 'this is Who I am' and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my mercilessness of myself onto other kids, because I wanted them to be exposed as I was exposed for the little liars and manipulators that they are, as I was, instead of seeing and realizing how is it that we are creating this monstrosity we call Humanity spoiling kids for life along the way and how can we stop and change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek solace in the belief that there must be something good in this Creation, just so I would pile up one disappointment after another until I faced the point that there isn't, pushing to get to the worst inside everyone, hoping to not find it, feeling guilty all the way and ending up believing that had it not been for me, they would have been fine, good people, instead of seeing and realizing I sought the evil in others as my justification for the evil in me, instead of facing my own Evil once and for all and release myself from it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my family because I believed THEY were the ones who took the worst out of me to start with, which was the point that I believed caused envy and jealousy for other kids who seemed to have better lives and less shit to deal with, instead of seeing and realizing I just wished for another life and not the one I had walked into through my acceptance and allowance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire that other kids would be punished for 'who they were' because I believed I was punished for who I was until I complied to the "Be Nice commands" and aligned with the Sugar Coating as Humanity that is required to live in this world but I for one would not be the one pretending Kids are fine and innocent and secretly suppressed the desire to see them all punished so I could feel better about myself as they too would be exposed and pointed at as unfit for this world and I would not have to feel so bad about myself as the memory of the suppressed kid that I have hang on to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imprint myself with pictures of my childhood that would justify the Characters I then set out to design and create for myself, I now release myself from those pictures as thoughts to no longer allow myself to be triggered into behaviors that I then justify with 'the kind of life I had/believed I had/ made up in my own mind'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to Not realize that what some of my Family saw in me and condemned was what was hidden within them and they condemned about themselves as I was the product of my Family first and then my environment and all the following brainwashing of an insane society that can only produce insane human beings, and that this was the root of my dislike for children, as I saw in them as children what I had not liked and condemned about myself as a child and then wanted, wished to have them called out for it and exposed in spitefulness as I had been called out and exposed

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that my grandparents who instead praised me and only saw 'the good' in me, were just lying to cover up their own evil as the separation we all share that brought us here and that created a world that is backward, upside down, where nothing works but we pretend it does, so we can pretend we are fine too and keep this creation where nothing is what it seems going for the future generations, instead of stopping it once and for all to come to terms with the fact that there is nothing worth saving in what we created as ourselves as The Mind in separation from one another and we need to make a U turn to realign to Oneness and Equality and a Life that is truly best for All.

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