My boyfriend left last night, it was not as a result of a fight but of a series of events that exposed beyond any resonable doubt, to him as well, that this relationship was based on interest and, de facto, it was a relationship, not an agreement.
Some of the things he said made a lot of sense, like the fact that he doesn't feel equal in his participation and he can't live with this, he said that since the question 'why are you here' on my side was recurrent when we had a fall out he admitted that the question kept coming up because this question existed inside of him as well.
I said that an agreement is a place where both work to make it work, while I was talking I wondered if I was just robotically acting out a speech.
A few things that he said triggered a feeling of being hurt, being offended, one was when he said 'story - which story?' when I was talking about us and then the next was 'are we free now?' and the feeling he couldn't get away fast enough - that triggered a feeling of rejection and of having been used.
This happened Saturday. I spent Sunday on the sidewalk of a pity party, I didnt join it, instead I spent the day watching videos on Mind Control and MK Ultra and Satanists seeking to put my very minor problem into context, I mean there are people that do blood sacrifices and traumatize children to turn them into perfect slaves, hello, talk about mental problems, I have just had a relationship ending.
Plus, I couldn't not notice the feeling of relief, of finally having the bed all to myself, of owning my time again so within one day I was pretty much stable again, I could even look at his side and see how we got here even though I knew that I would have to address those 2 points, the feeling of having been used and the feeling of rejection.
When I felt like crying I saw that the points that would come up were related to self victimization as in 'nobody wants me', this is a residue from something that happened with my mum that created this personality plus its a construct of hers who has lived her life as the Construct of being rejected due to her history with her mum.
When he came back today to talk to my neighbors about a job, I was stable and we could sit down and have a small chat, I was glad about this because the day he left I was possessed by the feeling of 'rejection' and when he said, 'if you need anything call me' to which I replied, 'if you need anything -don't call me' and on top of that I refused to shake hands and I didn't like myself for that.
Another point that came up was how I almost immediately wanted to move into evaluating this break up through my Money Personality to establish the amount of 'my loss' in material terms, proving that I am still run and not yet running/directing myself.
In my next posts I will address these points with SF and SCA to move on and release these emotions and everything that goes with them.