Day 252: My Near-Life Experiences

I have noticed that sometimes when I hop into my Mind it is because I don't have the patience to just be Here and Breathe. Breathing Here doesn't seem so much fun or so much of "an experience", nothing happens, I am just Here breathing, so what?

And yet this is how we were born, Here, Breathing, seemed good enough at birth to take our First Breath, we gasped for it, people around a new born get frantic when they are not breathing, no one tries to have them engaged in Mind Games, we get it, without Breath there is No Life.

So the idea of Breathing Here being Not Enough must be sold to us as we grow up to have us all participate in this system, we are sold the idea that Life is the buying of experiences for oneself, possibly the best available experiences, the most exclusive-not just any experience and we are kept 'buying' through the FEAR of the other kind of Experiences we could be having without Money, so we make sure we'll do whatever it takes to get our hands on the Money that will allow us to buy a Life of MEANingful experiences, this is what keeps the system of Consumerism going, we seek for experiences outside of ourselves to define ourselves, to give MEANing to Life, because we have made Life itself into nothing and into Not Enough and hence we have condemned ourselves to this search for Real Life into delusions of our Minds, mistaking Life for emotional experiences where we 'feel something' like we 'feel alive' because if we don't 'feel alive' we must be dead.

It's weird that we could believe such thing, because we are here, alive, breathing, but if being here breathing is Not Enough, if we made it not Enough, we then set out on an impossible search that at best leads to unhappiness and at worse to grave mental problems as we compare our Life experiences - that we mistook for life- with the ones advertised or trumpeted in Hollywood Movies or books written for the purpose to show us what life should be and why we should engage ourselves to make it one of Those ways, if we want to be successful and make it and basically, Be Alive.

So, one point I see for myself is how I seek the Mind to validate the point that I am Alive by giving myself something 'to feel' about, which is not relevant in which direction, even fear will do, all it's better than the Nothingness of Breath, when in fact it's me that defined Breath as Nothing and Life something I have to buy for myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the Physical reality is boring and that spending time in my Mind is way more exciting than just living in and as Breath

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to buy into Ideas and Believes about Life being the sum of my experiences and as such for living seeking for the next experience, planning the next experience, remembering the last experience I enjoyed, turning the here breathing into something boring, obnoxious, too slow to be bearable, when in my mind I could be racing into many different experiences at once, while in breath I would have to walk myself breath by breath into anything I set out to do in and as the physical and I believed I didn't have the patience for it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I don't have the patience to Breathe and be Here in and as Breath, as that would mean I don't have the patience to be Alive and for accepting and allowing myself to define living as the experiences of me as the Mind of memories, thoughts, emotions and feelings, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when walking and breathing think 'this is boring, this is not enough' and then give myself license to get off into my mind to just entertain myself with planning future experiences, remembering past experiences, all the while accepting and allowing myself to believe that breathing Here is Not Enough, not good enough, not exciting enough, boring and for turning Life as Breath into a boring "activity" because there is no energetic experience for me to ride, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that this is a process and that if it came 'natural' to me to just breathe and stop my participation in the Mind, I wouldn't be stuck in and as the Mind as the result of a process of accumulation of beliefs about what Life is as an energetic experience, and that I will have to live the patience to keep bringing myself back to breath in the face of the perception of being 'unnatural' to be out of my Mind, because I see realize and understand that I have always and only lived as the Mind and it will take time to accumulate breathing into who I am as stable self directive principle

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel discouraged because I only last a few breaths before some thought catches my attention and off I go, only to catch myself not breathing yet again and having to push myself back to breathing and out of the Mind just because the Mind is the place I am most familiar with and I dread having to walk away from my comfort zone and learn a new way to exist

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to buy for myself the experience of Life, which is what makes me feel unable to move when I don't have money

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Life is an experience I have to buy for myself and that if I can't buy for myself the experiences I have imagined were the ones I had to shoot for to give my life a meaning and a purpose, then I am not even alive but idle, waiting for the experiences I have defined as Life to manifest while I miss out on being here in Breath because I accepted and allowed myself to define Life as Breathing as Not Enough

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to sell myself as Breath out for the purpose of gaining energy experiences in and as the Mind, where I could be the imaginary Characters of my own play, instead of walking consistently to build myself into Life in and as the Physical as the realignment to Oneness and Equality for myself and All of Existence, Equal and One

When and as I see myself becoming fidgeting because 'I am just breathing', I stop, bring myself back into the physical, see realize and understand that this is a process and as it took me time to build myself into Characters in and as the Mind that feed off energetic charges, I will have to walk in time as Breath to be able to appreciate the simplicity of Life as Breath vs Life as Near Life experiences that were sold to me and I bought to make myself more than just Breath

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into boredom, I see realize and understand it is me as the Mind seeking for an energetic experience and that I have a choice to not participate and validate the Mind as the Superior Experience vs Life Here in and as Breath and that it is the sum of these choices in which I will choose Life over the Mind that will build my stability as I keep bringing myself back here consistently until I am One and Equal to Breath

I commit myself to identify the points I have given power to as me as The Mind to take myself back from each one through Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Application until I can stand in and as the stability of Breath, for myself and All of Existence Equal and One.

Related articles

• Day 198 - Day 5 - Forgetting the Breath
• Day 204 - Patience and the Breath - Day 11
• 163 - Miss Breath and Miss Opportunity
• Day 201 - We're All the Same - We All Breathe - Day 8
• Day 252: Awareness of the Law and God - ADC - Part 99

Day 122: Stopping the Slavery of the Debt System

Breathe and Stop (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into one of my Hopelessness Characters, such as the Indignation Character or the FuckItAll Character, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that this is NOT how I will Change myself, as All the Characters born of Hopelessness as FEAR are in fact Powerless as they have already accepted and allowed themselves to believe that there is no Hope for us as Humanity because we will never Change and they exist to find evidence that this is in fact so to protect their existence in and as The Mind, instead I Breathe and tell myself 'it's just a Character, with no substance, unless I give it substance through my thoughts, feelings and emotions' and so I won't, I direct myself to not participate as a Slave to my Mind into the Play titled 'Why Humans Cant' Change" as that play is just about Me and the excuses about why I don't Change and so it is Me who has to STOP, Stand and Change into and as The Physical for myself and What is best for All

I commit myself to stop my justifications and my existence within Characters that have so many reasons why I can't Change and just push myself to Change, without bashing myself when I see I have done it again, whatever it is that I do as in following thoughts, feelings and emotions of myself as The Mind in a endless not-so-merry go round, and I push myself to Stop, to gain terrain and space for myself as Breath within the amazing maze of My Characters and Personalities, until I become more and more consistent in being Here in and as Breath

When and as I see myself desiring to take a baseball bat and walk out the door to go to smash it all because I have allowed myself to react and get angry, as the Self Righteous Character, BeLieving that I am not in fact part of the Problem just because I am walking a process of Self Correction which makes me better than others and entitles me to Blame Others for Not doing the same, I stop Breathe, tell myself that my Self Righteous Character leads to my Hoooligan Character and both have never amounted to nothing, nor have they ever changed anything if not the relationships around me for the worse, and that it is pointless to direct the anger that I feel for myself, for Not Standing Absolute as The Change that is in fact required to Change the Inward and Outward reality, onto others as the reflection of Me being absolutely angry at myself for having enslaved myself to and as Me as the Mind while I found ways as Characters to not stand up in and self responsibility, instead I forgive myself for having participated in Anger as Me, and Stand Up Again and Again, in and as Breath, reminding myself that debts are over when I decide, because I am the One that decides, and that I have made the decision to Stop my existence as a Debt/Credit System and  now I just have to walk it consistently to stop the Slavery of myself to the Perceived Debts of my Life that I have not yet let go but I can let go as I identify them through Self Forgiveness, Self Correction and Self Directive Application

I commit myself to stop existing as Anger in separation from this System as myself as I see realize and understand that until I am separated from The System as myself I cannot Change or stand as a Piece of The Solution, instead I breathe through the points of The System that I become aware of as I walk my Breath by Breath process to stop the enslavement of myself to the Mind and to the Slavery/Debt system of this world, One and Equal to me

When and as I see myself becoming overwhelmed as I see how extensive is the Slavery we have subjected ourselves to through a new point that I show myself, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that it is not to blame or judge this point as I see realize and understand we are walking the Con-sequences of what we have set in motion as a Life of Cons as the Lies we started to Create as Characters within a sequence in Time that we have layered ourselves with and we can STOP, because we were the Ones Creating such Cons and as the Con Artists we have become we can step out of the Cunning/Conning Characters to walk ourselves as Self Correction out of The Mind for ourselves and All of Existence Equal and One

I commit myself to stop conning myself in cunning ways from one Character into another which leads me into the Character of 'I'm fucking overwhelmed here' as I see realize and understand that that is just another Character that I have created to justify Why I experience myself in certain ways so I don't have to take responsbility as the Creator of my experience, instead I push myself to walk consistently to stop my participation in and as The Mind so I can gain stability as I walk in and as Breath my Self Correction to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is best for All

When and as I see myself thinking about Slavery as 'The Way things are' I stop, Breathe, remind myself that what I am seeing reflected in the world is My Own Slavery to Myself as The Mind, and so I stop, participating in and as The Mind to stop the Slavery of myself and Existence Equal and One

I commit myself to stop being a Slave to the Mind, to give importance to what the Mind whispers or comes up with to entice/tempt me to just walk back into the familiar terrain of my Thoughts, Feelings and Emotions without which I fear I don't exist as I have embraced the thought and the BeLief "I think therefore I am', and con-sequently prized my thought as an achievement of my beingness as a Mind System, while I see realize and understand that when I think I am The Mind and that's about it, a conglomerate of Schizofrenic Characters fighting for their own survival, using me as the Slave to provide and fuel the Mind, robbing me of my resources, as my Substance as The Physcal, cunning me with lies into believing that everything is under control, no more and no less than the absolute untrustworthy Outward World we have created and conned ourselves into and that we are now walking to leave behind for Life, for ourselves and All of Existence Equal and One .

When and as I see myself looking for external reasons to justify Why this System of debts exists in the first place, I stop, breathe, remind myself that WE ARE The System of Debt and that there is no Need to look outside as this System exists with the acceptance and allowance of All of Us, as we chose to believe that this was how the System worked and to not make waves but instead to carve out of the system our Place in The Sun, without seeing or realizing that if some take ALL the Place under the Sun and Justify it as Their Right as they are the Elite as the ELight of Existence and we believe and accept it is in fact so, why would we All have any less responsibility than the Con Artists that were more skilled than we were in making up bigger and better lies than the ones we came up with to abuse ourselves and existence, including the lie that Yes it was true that it was their Right, as Our Parents taught us that 'This is The Way Things Are' and to not question the sanity of our parents in FEAR to find out that we were just as crazy, we accepted The System, and then defended it as to WHY I Have the Right to have More Rights than Another that apparently doesn't have the Right to eat every day like I do, and since I am the One that decides I made my bed and then Lied in it, ending up Not Having The Right to Life as I denied it to others, because I failed to see that there was never any choice but One Choice -as All other choices create Con-sequences as a Debt to be walked- to do to others what I would like done unto me, and until we stand as One doing just that, we'll have to Lie together in the beds we made for others that we Hoped we would not have to Lie in, One and Equal to our Creation and The Rights We Granted to Others

I commit myself to eradicate from myself the Right to Inequality that I have breathed into Existence as I stand as the Righting of the Wrongs we set in motion within our Fears and Separation, claiming that we had More Right to Life than Everyone Else, instead of standing as One for All Life and Existence, Equal and One

I commit myself to show others in Common Sense, why what we have built and breathed into existence is an abomination and a Crime against Life as we have denied access to Life giving resources such as Money to 1/3 of the World, pretending it was an Economics problem that was disconnected from us and not in fact our response-ability and to show why and how the implementation of an Equal Money System is the Grace that will save us from our Damn-Nation, a place in which we believed we could be prized, valuable VIP Citizens of our Mind while we told the rest of the world to fuck off and die

I commit myself to show others that an Equal Money System is not in fact about Money, but it's about accessing an existing Tool that we have used and invested with the Power to decide who lives and who dies for What is Best for All, using THE Life resource that we have placed above Life, to return Life to an Equal Worth and Value, so that we may stop being con-fused about How we have to go about building The World, as Life at the Centre of every Equation will show us how to do that and we will be able to correct every Field of Existence and return it to the Sovereignty of Life, for Life and All of existence Equal and One

 Related articles

• Day 121: Come My Child, Embrace Debt as Your Life
• Day 116: Don't Let Go and Let God, Let God Go
• How Thoughts Activate Personalities - Part 2: DAY 124
• Parental Input in Child Character-Building - Part 2: DAY 109
• Day 113: Inner Structure of an Equal Money System - Part 3
• Emotions and Depression - According to System Knowledge...
• Day 102: Playing the Somebody Done Me Wrong Song
• Day 92: Guilt character Self-Commitment Statements
• Post 91: The Memory Dealer - Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

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Day 108: Bury me Richly/Fear of Death, Self Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself move or about to move into a reaction regarding Death, I stop, Breathe, remind myself I am experiencing a preprogrammed Fear of no longer existing as the Mind and the Fear of still existing after Death, and having to face whatever it is that I am still accountable for that I have not addressed in Life, and remind myself that either joining the Fear of Death brigade or moving into my Mind to scare myself about the Here After, are just 2 ways to not be Here, where in fact my only power to change myself exists, within Breath as the accumulation of Breaths that I build up not as The Mind but as The Physical, for myself as Life and What is Best for All, Equal and One

I commit myself to investigate the ways of Death that I have filed under the Death File in and as my Mind, so that I can take back my investments placed upon Death and not upon Life through Breath-less Fear, to stop my existence as Fear of Death and what will happen to me as both The Physical and The Mind

I commit myself to disengage myself from the Cult of Death, not through discussions with others sharing Opinions regarding Death and Dying and what will happen to us in the HereAfter, but by stopping my emotional participation as reactions to Death as Ideas, Opinions, Concepts and Beliefs about Death and what Death is in fact, since we will only know first hand when we do die, and we can either Live until we die or die a little every day through Fear of Death, while we miss out on living Here in and as Breath

I commit myself to stand as Common Sense to stop the Cult of Death, to point out that worrying about what kind of grave we will leave behind at Death is just another Consumerist point that will follow us all the way to the Grave, but not beyond, as Death will come as the End of our Consumption of ourselves as Life and this planet and all the Life forms that we share it with

I commit myself to the Common Sense of Life as Breath to stop the Cult of Death, pointing out whenever I see a chance that we have not in fact Evolved since each one of us hopes to leave behind a grave that testifies to the Life we have been, failing to see that all Graves are the same, be them pyramids or just humble Stone tombs as they stand to testify humans that have not transcended Death, no matter their status or money that only allowed for a better display of a wasted life that was NOT used for the betterment of Life on  Earth and What is best for All, but just as a pass-time, in which time passed and then we died, no matter if some'body' will take longer to rot and return to earth or less as the corpses of rich and poor are still corpses all the same

I commit myself to no longer pass on terrifying stories of disasters and murders to Children, thinking that I can make myself interesting to their Mind as a Mind, as I bring up 'exciting/thrilling ' stories, and to remind myself that what we call exciting/thrilling is in fact an adrenalin shot, that is released by Fear, and that when I pass on exciting stories to kids I am no different than a drug dealer hoping to get them hooked on my specific drug of choice as excitement, and that the passing on of Fears to children is in fact an act of child abuse that we must remind ourselves to stop, as the excuse that it was done to us is no excuse to keep it up, damaging the new generations and crippling their chances to Live as Life and not live as Death as we have been living so far, just awoken here and there by self released chemicals that gave us the 'Illusion to be Alive'

I commit myself to stand as a point of Common Sense for Life, and not as a point that justifies death as The Only Way to get Out of Here, because there is another Way and we need to teach it to Each Other, and the Way is to get out of our Minds, to return to the Physical in Oneness and Equality with Life and All of Existence, and then Death will be no More, as Death will be transcended by our Hereness in every moment of Breath and beyond, to return One and Equal and establish Heaven on Earth for everyone

I commit myself to stop my fascination with death, skulls, bones, as I see realize and understand, they were always symbols of 'excitement/thrill' as the At Most Fear we lived in, and not symbols of Life, and that Death is not to be feared since what is going on of atrocious in the World is NOT done by the Dead, but by the Living Dead and that only through Stopping our existence as the Living Dead we can come back to Life and see, realize and understand, we could only see who we were as Death, and so Death we became, yet Life is waiting in and as the Physical and our Breaths will be the steps to close the gaps between us as Death and the Body as Life, one Breath at the time, until only Life remains.

Day 59: A Wedding, an Addiction and Other Crimes Against Life

On My wedding day we were just 12, yet there was a lot of commotion.

We did not get married in Church being both non Catholics, we had a Civil Wedding at the Royal Villa in Milan, this is actually a real picture of the Gardens of this Villa that is now called City Hall, as if it belonged to the City since the Citizens pay for its maintenance, instead we are allowed in just once (or more) in our Life, when we get married. I actually had pictures of myself and my husband taken on this bridge just after the wedding, in the exact same Sepia Colour.

I had them, because like everything I did in my life, when I walked away from it, I tried desperately to not keep any picture, to let everything go, and I identified more or less everything in and as my life with pictures.

Little did I know at the time that pictures end up embedded as memories in our Flesh, into the very fabric of who we are, "What the Bleep" talked blandly about it, then when I met Desteni finally I started to understand how and why everything seemed burnt into me and why I perceived myself as scarred for and by Life, first by my Family Life and then by my Marriage.

Many other relationships with men came and went, I did not allow any of them to scar me as much as my marriage did, not my husband Fault, this is very clear now, just all my doing, in my movement that started from a fucked up beginning that run all throughout my marriage.

After the wedding we left and moved to Singapore, we left the day after, I had to pack all my stuff which at the time came up to just less than 20 boxes, sold my car, had 17 days from the beginning of January to make it all happen,

At the time I had a severe Pot addiction, I knew I was supposed to pack but every day I would get up and smoke myself silly, I was anxious about leaving Italy with a man I barely knew that I met on a business trip in Las Vegas one year before the day of my marriage and that I had seen on weekends only and on one week of holiday that we spent together, and I couldn't handle the pressure, so smoking was my only way to assist myself to get 'apparent' breaks from my extensive backchats about my fears and how I feared he would leave me for another woman when he would realize I was just a fuck up with a bad pot addiction. 

I had not hidden this from him, just the extent of my addiction, when he was around during the weekends I would control myself, when he arrived in Italy one day before the wedding and saw I had almost packed nothing he told me 'it doesn't matter, we do it together' which meant he almost packed everything for me and told me 'you'll give up your addiction in Singapore, simply because there is the death penalty there and we won't risk ever to just have a smoke, right?' which was another huge point of anxiety for me, I would HAVE to give up Pot, imagine that, I had lived until then trying to reconcile that this was WHO I was, an addict, better accept this and design my life around this addiction that I would just never give up.

So my marriage started on guilt and shame, I got pregnant from the "one night stand" we spent together in Las Vegas and aborted, because I did not have money to support a kid if I had to leave my job, I didn't even think about it twice, it was obvious, my ex husband who had got in touch again after the one night stand and to whom I told I was pregnant but would not keep it, after we had seen each other for a few weeks in a row, told me 'we'll keep the next one' and hugged me all night when he came to visit just after the surgery. It was my second, the second was easier, it's amazing how we get used to everything and accept that our lives are choices that we have to make within our limited resources, I live you die, or we both die.

Basically he embodied everything I wanted in a man, he was good looking, tall, intelligent, kind, we had great interesting conversations and a future ahead of him, he would surely grow in his position at work and I could tag along.

The things that were not right was all the backchat that manifested from when he asked me to marry him, then the Marriage Holy Ghost possessed me, everything he did I compared to movies, I got no ring, no going on his knees he did not say he couldn't live without me, in fact he said that it would be 'most practical, that his boss told him it would be easier if we were married' which of course led to me holding this one point against him forever, believing that he did not want me, he was just being practical, and on this I built a castle of bitterness and anguish with which I abused myself and him, seeking that certainty that in fact he did want me and loved me and he had not married me just to get me to Singapore, because I had told him, Icannot leave everything just for a fling, so marriage was the collateral that was put up for my Life, and I accepted it.

When we exchanged vows we were asked if we wanted common property of assets, at the time we did not have much assets, I had a tiny apartment in Milan, my husband waited for me to decide since I was the only asset owner among us and I said YES, he saw this as a gesture of good will, I saw this as an investment into sharing what he would make in the future.

On my wedding day my father reappeared from nowhere, he lived the flower child life unsuccessfully and when he aged he ended up going to work for his ex flower child friends who now all run successful businesses. His appearance created tension, my grandfather lost his chance to take me to the 'Altar', my mother got to review her lost chances at marriage in memory lane and cried throughout the wedding, my mother in law cried as she felt lonely, her ex husband not being there because my husband invited him too late. My grandmother pushed my mother out of the way to sit next to us at the wedding table, my mother sat sad and grieving throughout the lunch.

We had lunch at the Brazilian restaurant and ordered cahipirinas for everyone, a spirit mixed with sugar and lime, instead of wine, this is how we got to take a breath in all the emotional turmoil, when everyone was finally drunk, we started 'having fun', or better we started no longer giving a fuck about anyone else and whatever it was that was eating them all, and as the spirit grew in theirs and our blood, so our Spirits rose, from the Graves to the Stars, finally, all able to embody the lie that our lives have become, the Happy relatives at the Happy Happy Wedding Day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was not good enough for my husband

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty because my marriage was born out of a cndition that I had set, that I would not go to Singapore just for a 'fling' pushing my husband to propose, or so I believed, and for this judgement of myself I spent my marriage looking for clues that he did in fact not want me and that he just married me because 'I manipulated him into it'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my ex husband did not want me and I maniuplated him into marriage when in fact each one of us is responsible for what we do and my manipulation doesn't affect him but myself as I end up in guilt, shame, remourse and then self judgement

I forgive myself for accepting andd allowing myself to hold myself hostage to my own self judgement of how I have manipulated others instead of seeing I have only and always manipulated myself only and created more separation inside myself while I created layers of screen to not face my own self judgements because at least I judged myself which allowed me to feel right and righteous

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself so I would get to feel right and righteous and more than others that were wrong and less than me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed because I had a pot addiction the extent of which I kept hidden in fear that I would lose value in his eyes, because I had already lost value in my own eyes for living the life of an addict

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as bad for having lived the life of an addict and for defining myself as an addict

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed when my husband came to Milan and found out I had packed fuck all because I was too busy smoking myself silly so I would not have to face all the fears I felt regarding moving abroad and getting married

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear marriage, getting married and my wedding day and for leaving behind all my pictures hoping that I could delete what happened without taking responsibility for my participation within and as it and the outflow and consequences I had to live due to my participation in and as The MIND

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that because my husband saw me like that, overtaken by my addiction, he had lost respect for me and I walked into my marriage feeling that I had a debt and was flawed and I was not of Equal value to him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress shame and guilt for my inability to walk away from Pot to start a new life, even when I had an opportunity because by then I had made Pot my God and I  feared living without it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel numb when I aborted for the second time, not devastated like the first time, because I saw myself has having failed and having embraced the Money system so completely that it had become who I was and all my decision were based on money and my ability to support myself and a child did not fit into the picture at any time in my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give myself up to the Money system in fear for my survival and what I would not be able to do to make money if I had children at 23 and then 29, when my life had finally just settled into some sort of financial stability that I could not give up because I feared for my future within this world and how I would face life with children

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for my abortions as if I were bad and unworthy because the Catholics condemned abortion, instead of seeing that it is the world we live in that is a crime against Humanity and Life and that I just accepted it and allowed it by admitting that my survival was more important than the survival of anyone else and that I would do anything to secure my position within the system to be able to survive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the sadness of my abortions because I judged myself as the fault and the cause for them and since I was the cause I had given up my right to grieve and see that I was just scared and that I have to stop judging myself for what I have done to survive and instead stand as the Solution so other women won't have to base their choices in life on surviving but on Life and What is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed when my mum came to pick me up at the first abortion and she brought me flowers as it is customary for surgeries, and I saw all the other girls there alone and no one knew they were there and their mothers would have never supported them and I felt guilty for having the support of my mother who had to make the same choice before me for the same reasons as me, because the system is so fucked up that support is not there for women unless they work to support themselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate the flowers my mum brought to me to a celebration and for feeling guilty and shameful associating flowers and celebration to an event like an abortion for which I was required to be sad and grieving and remorseful instead

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide my first abortion as something that it should never be spoken about ever again, because I had not forgiven myself for my own self judgement of myself as being a careless slut and how could have that happened to someone like me who was on the pill since I was 17, preaching that abortion is just a sign of careless stupidity until I had to face mine and had to feel carelessly stupid through my own judgement of others as myself, One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was not worthy to bring a child into this world because I was too fucked up and I would have passed it on to my child, like my grandma did to my mother and then she did to me and I was not good enough to procreate because I saw myself as useless and unworthy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty when my husband to be hugged me all night after my abortion, because inside of me I believed I did not deserve it, that I was BAD and that there was no redemption for me having made the same miss-take twice, just for a fuck and look where it led

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself in debt toward my husband to be because he had been so understanding and nice through that post abortion time and he called me every night and I feared losing him so much that after my marriage I did everything in my power to lose him but I just embittered him and he would not leave me until I had to leave, leaving behind grief and sorrow, hoping it would not catch up with me and that he would handle it because he was better than me at handling 'emotions' (or suppressing them) and I could just move on

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to store and suppress so much grief inside of me regarding my marriage and everything that I did wrong that when I saw Andrea's pictures I felt like crying as all this stuff bubbled up inside of me again, instead I suppressed it down again and kept walking to give myself some more time before unraveling Me, the wedding and my abortions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live my wedding day in a state of constant tension, looking forward to smoking Pot and drinking the next cahipirinha, so I could keep everything suppressed and under control and not have to see my mother crying and my grandfather sad, and my mother in law lonely and face that I was witnessing the microcosm of Humanity in a room, where all the pettiness and the grievances of a lifetime where exposed and raw and what really goes on inside each one of us was there for everyone to see and could no longer be hidden but by alcohol or drugs, legal or illegal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately arrange spirit drinks for everyone, so they too would suppress everything that was going on and we could spend a fake quiet happy day, pretending that all was fine and the future in front of us was bright and that we were living the perfect fairy tale wedding day, on our way to our honeymoon and Happily Ever After

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sign for joint ownership of assets as an investment in my future, investing in my husband future life and his future assets so I would be guaranteed a survival within the system, because I felt like a fraud and I feared the day I would be called out for what I was, my survival would no longer be certain and I would not probably make it in the world by myself and it was better to have a man next to me to 'support' me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be supported both emotionally and financially because then I would not have to participate in this world of fights and struggles and face the system as myself, but I would be someone else's responsibility and I could just drift through life unscathed by this system of self interest and survival, while I was my own system of self interest and survival inside the walls of my own home

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not communicate to my husband what was going on with me and for keeping up the suppression game that increased my back chats and made me feel dishonest within my relationship for what I projected on him about me and how I felt because I did not know how to take responsibility for myself and how to correct myself until I met Desteni and applied the tools they taught me and within this I stop all judgements for who I have been and what I did and think, understanding that now is just a matter to walk backwards, own up to the life I have lived and correct my relationships of thoughts words and deeds back into alignment with what is best for Life as What is Best for All, which is what is best for me as in stopping the self abuse of me as judgements and recriminations about what would have been if I were different, as I walk  the manifested consequences of what I laid out for myself and breathe until all of me stands corrected in alignment with Life and What is best for All

I commit myself to dig into this relationship until I feel clear that when my ex husband name is spoken I have no movements and no reactions and I stand clear as one relationship that has finally aligned to what is best for me and what is best for All, as Life, One and Equal.

Day 25: Still in Hong Kong, not Here yet

I have lived in Asia for 17 years, when I write 17 it seems yesterday that I left Italy and not possible that 17 years went by in what seems just a few Breaths.

I can say that because before meeting Desteni I was not breathing much but I didn't know until I tried the 4 counts breath and discovered I owned nothing of me, not even my Breath.

As a Group we are investigating what pre-occupies our Minds all day, so we can delete the pre-occupations and gain Capacity to see and learn what reality is really about, as like in every 'information system', once 'information overload' is reached, the hard drive Capacity is diminished, this is why when people age, they lose the ability to 'remember', remembering as in memory capacity is not an ability, it is just a storage system, in which we file everything in picture form, missing out on the Life of Breaths that we could be living if we were not pre-occupied with something else.

One of my demons in my mind is Hong Kong, I have already applied Self Forgiveness on this topic, but not effectively obviously, as memories still run randomly within my mind during the day, where I find many pictures to associate to Hong Kong pictures filed in my mind, and they come up usually with a feeling of nostalgia or regret, for something that was and will never be again, I miss who I was, the personality I embodied in Hong Kong, the water, the harbour, living on the sea, the lifestyle, the food, the vitality of the city, funny, I don't miss the people, except maybe for Michele, my friend who was a partner in a few restaurants by the time I left, I missed the relationship we could have tried if both of us had not been so busy pretending to be and want something else.

If I have to pick one word to define Hong Kong and pinpoint where the problem of this hole I perceive I have left from this experience is, it would be 'excitement', a feeling of being alive, not that I was alive, but Hong Kong with all its lights and busy streets could give me this feeling, I miss the feeling of being alive, useful, a productive member of a society in which I made good money and felt satisfied by my place in the world.

Before the 8 years I spent in Hong Kong I was 5 years in Singapore, Singapore went over my head, I have almost no memories, even though when I want to torment myself about the past, even Singapore will do, and even Thailand, a place where I lived for 4 years after Hong Kong in a semi sleepy state, where I had a few friends and nothing else, Thailand was a parking space, where I retired myself in and as the belief that I better be close to the fasting place where I could take care of the consequences of my life of abuses, having given up on myself and my ability to change.

Today I looked for the point to let go, or Self For-give about Hong Kong, and I can sum them up in bullet point to help myself see more clearly:

• the belief that when I was there I was alive because I felt the excitement of the city, meaning I miss the energy of Hong Kong as a way to drive myself to live/exist
• the belief that I was happier there than here, meaning I still live into a polarity of happiness/sadness that I need to self correct
• the regret for having left my 'productive place' within the system back there and have to start from scratch again to find ways to make a living
• the fear that I may lose my permanent residenceship and be kicked out of the Hong Kong system, where I felt secure I could do anything and always provide for myself
• regret for having left when I could have kept a very well paid job, just because of my Ego
• the fear of going back there and having to start from scratch providing for myself inside a very expensive city
• the fear f having to face my friends with whom I shared the Nostradamus forecast of Hong Kong being destroyed and asked them to leave the city, just to show off my new knowledge and information
• missing Michele
• having felt jealous today when my ex helper wrote to me she is getting her passport done as she found a new job in Hong Kong and she is moving back from the Philippines to Hong Kong, and I wished it would be me, even though she needs a job way more than me as she supports a lot of people in the Philippines, yet I could not be completely glad for her as I became busy with regret and jealousy.

So on with my Self Forgiveness to give myself back to myself from these points of Separation:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was alive because I felt excited by a city I lived in as a place that gave me a motivation to 'live and be alive'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to need to be alive through an external  motivation, instead of living in and as Breath in every moment, One and Equal to Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss the excitement that a city provided for me in terms of energy as a reason to be and feel alive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not the same now that I lack the excitement of a city filled with the energy of Money and Sex on which I fed off to be and feel alive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel alive in relationship to Money and my ability to make money in Hong Kong as a reason to feel satisfied, fulfilled and energized

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was happier in Hong Kong than in Italy, instead of seeing I was happier because I had access to the Money system that I have accepted and allow myself to define myself and my worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that happiness is important and that it is real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in a delusional world of feelings and emotions, hoping to get to experience the good side of the energy polarity disregarding others who will have to live out the negative side that I do not want to experience myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel Happy in Hong Kong and Sad in Italy within a Money polarity game in which I define myself according to where I can make Money=Happy and where I cannot=Sad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself through selling out to a polarity system of excitement hoping to live out value in separation from myself as Self Worth/Value

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am two different people, a successful one in Hong Kong and a loser in Italy, because I have accepted and allowed myself to step back into what I left behind in Italy which was the Mind construct of a Loser because in Italy I did not have access to the Money System with the same ease I could access it in Hong Kong, instead of realizing that it was the bigger Inequality of Asia that allowed me to have more success there and that to live out my desire I have been participating and supporting a system of Inequality because it worked for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret, re-feel the fear of having to start again from scratch when I have proved to myself many times that I could

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss the times when my life was safe and guaranteed for in terms of my ability to make money, instead of realizing that I have missed something that worked just for myself while I lived in a place where the Inequality allowed me to have the upper hand on the weaker ones in society

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty regarding my life in Hong Kong when I realized the only reason why I was better off there than in Italy was because there were others worse off, yet I still wished to be back there and have MY life work for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be good through charity and treating others nicely, while I lived Inequality as My Right, as long as my life worked for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept support and praise the Inequality of the Hong Kong system for my own personal gain over other nationalities who were 'worth less' within the Monetary Value System

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my Permanent Residenceship in Hong Kong because I still 'hope' to go back there one day and live a better life than the one I am living in Italy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge a life better or worse according to experiences that are related to Money and Money making ability, instead of seeing Life One and Equal in everyone and Everyone's Right to a dignified Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret having left Hong Kong and a well paid job because of my Ego because I resent having to walk the manifested consequences of my behaviour

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent walking the manifested consequences of my thoughts, words and deeds, instead of standing up and walking my self responsibility starting with everything I am aware I have manifested into existence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for the fear I feel about going back to Hong Kong where I would have to face starting from scratch and everything I left behind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing my friends with whom I shared the Nostradamus predictions about Hong Kong being destroyed and having asked them to leave the city to show off my new knowledge and information and for desiring that it did in fact happen so I could be right and get back face for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish a catastrophe on an entire city out of spitefulness because I dislike others being there to enjoy it while I am stuck in Italy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having lost credibility just because Hong Kong has not yet been destroyed instead of seeing I fear I have lost the credibility of myself due to all the bullshit I have spread around about LOA and how to use feelings and emotions as a guidance system

I forgive myself for the misinformation I have spread about existence while I was looking to understand how everything worked and I wanted to share with others how they could uplift themselves out of this shithole, once I found out I could pick and choose thoughts and therefore emotions and feelings

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge existence as a shithole, instead of acknowledging this is my creation and judging it a shithole won't help, I see this existence is not what is best for All and needs realignment and I am working on realigning myself and existence will follow being the mirror of myself and my inner world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss Michele in separation from myself as to mean that when I had a chance to have a relationship with him I did not because I gave more value to the image of myself and how I wanted to 'look' as a strong woman who was not interested in men, instead of being clear about what I really wanted to experience, instead I had to go through all this suppression while he ended up marrying a woman I detested because I thought that if she did not come 'between us' we may have had a chance

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think his relationship will not last, as a way to give myself a back door of hope that you never know, maybe one day, we'll get to live that experience

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to invest myself into potential experiences of the mind as a way to gain value/worth for myself through the 'idea' that I could have had Michele for myself if I wanted and expressed it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel jealous that my ex helper V. is going back to Hong Kong, feeling as she took my more 'worthy' place back into Hong Kong, even though she really needs the job for practical physical support of herself and others in the Philippines while I would get the job as a way to feed my Ego and my Life of Energy and Experiences

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for feeling jealous of V. and for thinking that there is no end to my disgusting behaviour even toward someone I said and believed, I loved sincerely

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be disgusted at myself and for believing that disgust is real and not just an experience of me as the mind, based on my own judgements of myself as disgusting

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and others as disgusting for what I can see is the lenghth to which we are willing to go to profit and win, no mater who gets hurt or damaged along the way to my victory

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to file pictures and experiences about Hong Kong in my mind as a way to keep myself preoccupied with something that has been and is not HERE and I now wish to let go as there is no need or purpose to these pictures floating in me as the Mind if not to entice my participation in and as the Past which is now gone and I want to get back Here where Life is and stop being There which is not real and is not serving any purpose for myself, is not what is Best for Me or What is best for All

When and as I see myself desiring or about to desire to lose myself into memories of Hong Kong, I stop, Breathe, remind myself I have self forgiven myself and I don't want to invalidate my self forgiveness through engaging again in the Hong Kong State of Mind, so I breathe and keep stopping myself until I am Here and no longer in Hong Kong

When and as I see myself judging myself because images of Hong Kong pop up into my Mind, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that Hong Kong is just another State of Mind and I am working to become stable Here in and as Breath, so it won't matter where I live as it will be Who I am that determines my Life experience for what is Best fr me and What is best for All,  and not Where I am

I commit myself to bring myself back Here consistently, utilizing Breath and standing as Self Will, becoming the Self Directive principle that decides Who I want to be, as Life, One and Equal, rewriting myself in and as What is Best for All, deleting everything else that is not Life and is of separation and not of Oneness and Equality.