Day 283: The Fear of leaving behind Knowledge and Information

I had a dream.

In the dream I was spending time with one of my friends and his son.

He asked me if I could help him with his English homework and I said yes, so he came close and showed me his book, but I was dozing off and in the dream I realized I could not follow him unless I woke up, so I tried to wake up but when I did, I realized I would wake up from the dream and then the book -and the boy!- would disappear and I would NOT be able to help him, so I spent some time in the dream trying to wake up enough but not too much to have the book disappear and finally I managed a sort of balance but I was uncomfortable because I knew I was dreaming and that what I was doing was worthless, I could have woken up completely and then yes, the book would have been gone, but the boy too so there would be no loss, no one was REALLY in need of my knowledge and information and this sense of the uselessness of it all, made me choose the dream vs the reality of being awake, not caring about the point that what I believed in the dream was worthy and valuable, was not even real.

Who will I be if I let go my knowledge and information?

Do I need to let go what I know or the value I have invested in it as who I am?

If I hold on to knowledge and information as value, am I not part of this world problem that values Education as a reason why not everyone has the same worth and value?

Why do I fear facing the point of how much value I have invested in knowledge and information, what is behind this value point that I fear to lose?



Ok, so definitely a fear of loss of a definition of myself as knowledgeable, this is again a money survival point, because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I had MORE knowledge and information then I was worth more in terms of my access to the Money world and I would have better chances at surviving.

So the point is a Value point in relation to my market worth, which as I wrote brought up another point of Value/Worth as being good looking but fearing that I would be exploited for that if I did not back it up with enough knowledge and information to not be taken for a ride, literally, so behind the knowledge and information point there is the acceptance that this is a man's world and I have to pile up credits as vantage points to be able to measure up, I see that this point is quite big because as I reach some of those points that have become who I am, I just want to write that this is a FACT, that this is a Man's world and I better not delude myself with some Pollyanna stories that resembles the positive thinking that I can THINK myself out of this one - so there is a fear that I can't let go this point because I need the extra value to compete with men for survival, when in fact the value I hold on to has become my very own limitation in stopping the ongoing competition with men in search for value I use to measure up to them - as in ability to turn Money and the fact that my value is now linked to knowledge and information which makes me feel vulnerable because I can always meet someone with more, just like with Money and then I will expose myself to the inferiority superiority game I have set up as I went and looked for points of superiority in fear of being inferior, accepting being inferior as a woman as a fact.



Of course this point rang true yesterday again when I watched Prof Wolff whose first talk I enjoyed so much, while the second one I watched brought up the value of education and left me feeling uneasy as I saw how he justified why some professors should earn more than others and I knew I could well follow the whole speech all the way to agreement because I hold on to this belief that education has worth and value without seeing that the worth and value education has is MY worth and value that I invested in it and that if I didn't -it would be worthless and just a tool to make myself efficient in the system, not adding or subtracting anything to who I am or to anyone else is -as Life.



I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to value education as knowledge and information above Life, mine and of everyone else


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that without an education I would be worth-less and I would have to fear for my life and about how I was going to support myself in a world of men


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that this point is especially alive when I am around men, as I showed to myself in my dream, where there were 2 men less knowledgeable than me and then I didn't want to wake up from the dream because I enjoyed my position of superiority in my imaginary competition in my Mind, in which I always set out to prove, to men especially, that they don't know Jack, that they are stupid, and that their position on top of the world is deceivingly gained and ill granted, when in fact I am the one granting it by holding on to my fear of being less that drives me to show them I am more at every chance I get


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not trust in my ability to reach a point of Equality with men because they only want to fuck you so you better have an arsenal of ammo in the guise of knowledge and information to prevent yourself to be taken for a ride or to believe all the crap they come up with, when in fact I don't need anything but my self trust that I can handle any situation as an Equal when and as I am faced with men who I perceive cannot be trusted


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make men that cannot be trusted, which in my mind is pretty much all of them, the reason why I can't let go of my knowledge and information as value, without seeing realizing and understanding that they were just my excuse for hanging on to the value I have divested of myself into knowledge and information -and to hold on to my excuse I had to make men worse than they are in my mind, make the threat of their presence real so that I would be justified in WHY I must hold on to that extra value, because I really really need it, instead of seeing realizing and understanding it is not about who they are around me but who I am around them that sets the terms of engagement, and that the only correction I need to work on is on me and that requires for me to take back all the value I have invested in something outside of my Self that I made more than me as Life as Breath

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that it was me that set the rule of the game with men every single time and that as I set out exploiting my good looks as a vantage point I then had to back them up with knowledge and information so I could pretend that I was not in fact playing the Beauty game and that it was all in their Mind because look, I am knowledgeable and informed and the fact that you want to fuck me is Your Fault, when in fact I used knowledge and information as the smoke screen to keep playing the seduction game without paying the price of the unspoken promises that I put on the table at every deal, because I could

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame men and make them dangerous regarding how they responded to me and my seduction games through knowledge and information, building up case after case against them to prove it was their fault that they saw SEX everywhere I placed it and then magically deleted it through the use of knowledge and information to just leave them confused and wonder if they had imagined it all or if I had hinted that something may take place sometime if they would give me what I wanted, which was access to the same world they had access to, the men's world, and for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself by accepting that this world was not made for me but for them only to then live to fight my own acceptance and allowance, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that with knowledge and information I could aspire to more, be more, move more swiftly into the system as 'increased value' leaving behind those with less value as knowledge and information without ever considering that I should have looked for solutions on how we could equalize our value and make everyone equally valuable and worthy once and for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I realized that good looks as a genetic advantage could take me far, fear that I would be judged for the good looks alone and be made less, be talked about, be diminished as someone who only had That to offer and as such, pile up knowledge and information as my excuse to why I was rising up in the world when in fact it was just the way I looked that took me places and for living the guilt for looking good as an undeserved point of advantage that I had to match with a point I perceived I deserved for real such as knowledge and information, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that I feared losing the good looks advantage so much that I stockpiled on another advantage such as knowledge and information, because I wanted to be advantaged one way or another not seeing realizing and understanding that through valuing external points above my Self I was in fact diminishing myself at every turn in the hope to gain more value for myself, a long lasting value that I could hold on to, either through looks or knowledge and information because I was for sure not willing to go down the scale of value to the point of having to accept any and every job to make a living, and for not considering the point of no choice of many others either in terms of looks or knowledge and information to give themselves the same access to resources as a Right to Live, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that as I hold on to my value as knowledge and information, the world has the same right to hold on to this point as the reason why some are more worthy than others and for my participation in devaluing some so I could be more, so I could stop the fear of being in their place I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that those with a higher education have more right to Life than those with a lower education, because as I could not believe that those with better looks had that right as that was a 'chance' point, education seemed 'earned' to me and as such the right to More was 'earned' too and unquestionable, when in fact the point that not all have access to the same possibilities for knowledge and information invalidates this point for all, and as such I forgive myself for having been part of the supporting team of value of knowledge and education vs Life, One and Equal for All, with the same Rights, choices and access to benefits that would create a world into a heavenly place for All vs a heavenly place for me alone.

When and as I see myself facing a man and move or about to move into my All Knowing Character, I stop, breathe, do not participate in the fear of being less or the desire to prove something and bring myself back Here through breathing until I am stable

When and as I see myself experiencing or about to experience a full blown point of loss just because I did not participate in showing off my knowledge as a 'missed chance' to gain value for myself, I stop, breathe, remind myself that as I seek value outside of myself I am accepting my worthlessness as who I am and not my Equality with everything that exists from the lowest to the highest point of existence and see realize and understand that I can only be All or nothing and that I have to be no one to be able to be All of Us, willing to delete myself to stand as a point of no desire and no fear and to reach that point I have to consistently Not allow myself to participate in polarity games, no matter how tempting as value-adding they may seem

I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to believe that my Value lies in my knowledge and information or in my looks or in anything that I can find that is separate from me as Self and to identify where I still hold on to points of external Value to bring it All back to Self as Life as One and Equal, to stop this game of polarity and superiority and inferiority, for myself and All of existence, Equal and One

Related articles

• Day 117 - Self Honesty in Self Education
• Day 279: I Can't Hear You because I insist on Being Me
• Day 142: What is the big idea behind success?
• Day 284: Residing in Pompous-City

Day 202: The 'Intelligence' Gatherer - Character

Last night I had an 'idea' about my future and what I could do.

Having 'ideas' it's another point in itself, they come up at the end of the dull roads of existence I travel and can only take for so long, when dullness seems to 'kill me' here pops an idea, something to keep me going, to give me a sliver of 'hope' for my future, a place I dread because I see this dullness of existence multiplied in years to come and how won't be able to take it.

When those 'Ideas' strike like lightening I then go on an information rampage to gather as many 'valuable' news as possible about whatever I set my mind to. "I" set my mind to..interesting expression...

I am able to read for 24/48 hours, until my body aches and jump from one website to another as I see connections of things I apparently need to know.

This 'I need to know it's of course manufactured by My Mind, it's to cover all my bases so to speak and never clearer than today, it's just FEAR.

It is the FEAR that if I don't know enough when I move into a new venture I will be taken advantage of, it's the 'Intelligence' side of the fear of looking stupid, yesterday I experienced the physical side of 'looking stupid' and today the mental, which is in fact just 'mental' as in mental case, the case in which I trap myself in fear of abuse.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define existence as dull because I am lacking the frenzy of energetic movements, of excitement and depression, instead of seeing realizing and understanding, it's a process and as it took me some time to get use to my existence as an energy drug addict, it will take some time to get off the energy wheel and see that 'not feeling' doesn't define my successful engagement with existence as Life, I am the ones that defined not feeling ad dull and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I evaluate a new possibility, to move into a mental frenzy through which I then believe that I NEED to gather information/intelligence because every new things I evaluate gives rise to both excitement and fear or better stated, excitement AS Fear and I have taught myself that the fear can subside if I gather enough knowledge and information as my counter-intelligence

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need counter-intelligence against myself because I have always only feared myself and my own self judgement and I believed I needed to become 'intelligent' so I would not have to endure myself judgement of myself as stupid, instead of just stopping all and any self judgement

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must load myself with knowledge and information to be prepared for potential abuses, when in fact the piling up of useless knowledge and information that I don't need at the moment and therefore I cannot live, is a form of self abuse

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to trust myself so little that I have come to the con-clusion that I 'better be prepared' when in fact on my way to getting myself prepared I abuse myself as my mind with useless piling up of knowledge and information that creates friction inside of myself from which I then perceive I need MORE knowledge and information to stop the friction I myself created and then accepted and allowed

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that being prepared as with plenty of knowledge and information is a sign of intelligence, which it is, it's the sign that I have successfully filled my head with useless knowledge and information in fear that I may appear stupid if I didn't, before moving myself in and as the physical world

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imagine what will the people around me say/think if I make a decision for which I cannot prove to have done/overdone in fact my homework because I fear they may think I am a fool, instead of seeing and realizing that I fear my own judgement of myself as a fool, because I have already judged myself in the past as a fool for having made wrong moves due to the fact that I had not taken the time to inform myself which I have equated with piling up tons of information so I won't have to face my own self judgements as a fool again

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to despise people who have not collected tons of knowledge and information such as I did and for thinking they are fools and should never talk because almost everything they say it's stupid, without realizing I can only judge myself no matter how far and how well I motivate my projections of my own self despise in self judgement

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when yesterday with my students I realized I was about to push her to study either through Fear or through Diminishing her and when I forbade myself from doing either I saw I did not know how to talk to her effectively because so far this is the only way I have taken on board about HOW I motivate myself to pile up knowledge and information and for seeing that I did not have the RIGHT information on how to talk to her in a supportive way I moved into self judgement and then shame which is why I then left at the peak of my irritation so I would not open my big mouth and then say something I would regret and for feeling ashamed of myself I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from Self so much that I have lost touch with the common sense of how to talk in a supportive manner to another human being, because even when I asked myself 'how would I want to be treated' I could not see an answer as I never saw any choice than being motivated either through fear of failure or the fear of being diminished and so an alternative to who I have been was not here because I was not Here and did not trust myself that I could express myself in self honesty in a way that would be mutually beneficial, for me as change and for her as me as support

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear myself and what I may say, do, think in my pursuing intelligence as a weapon and an armor with which I arm myself and harm myself at the same time

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to 'intelligent people' such as those who held more information and knowledge than myself and for, instead of correcting this experience of myself to stop the fear, seek to even out the play field to NOT experience that fear again, which would be impossible because in the whole world there will always be someone who knows more than me so the point to realign is not the knowledge and information but to stop defining myself through knowledge and information, taking back my value from where I have erroneously invested it, in my search to be more in fear of being less/not enough.

When and as I see myself move or about to move into the Information/Intelligence Gatherer Character, I stop, breathe, assess in self honesty if I need that information in that moment, if I can live that information or if I am hoarding info just for value, and if I see that I am on an info hoarding trip I stop, I breathe and bring myself back Here to stop participating in fear and then the desire to 'do something' to stop the fear

When and as I see myself moving into Conflict with myself about a point of perceived 'required knowledge and information' that I lack I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that such point is coming from the Fear of not Knowing Enough, not having Gathered Enough Intelligence, so I breathe and bring myself back Here instead than giving in to the fear of not Knowing enough, not being 'intelligent' enough as I see, realize and understand I am not defined by my knowledge and information, nor is anyone else.

I commit myself to stop my existence as the Intelligence Gatherer and to explore this Character if and as it comes up until I no longer exist as such Character, but stable Here in and as Breath

Related articles

• Day 101 - Fear of Myself
• Day 200: Humanity - Armed with Intelligence
• Day 114 - Intelligence is Fear
• Day 150 - Human Intelligence
• Day 93- Observer as the Mind - Breathing is Living

Day 192: Social Engineering - PhD for Sale!!! Got Money?

Today I went to see an Education Consultant. I would like to take some management courses that require a Master or a PhD and I anticipated to them I have a long working experience and asked yesterday when we spoke on the phone if I could get credits for my working experience toward an MBA or a PhD.

I am not as subject to intimidating environment or people since I have started to walk with Desteni, this association I went to, which ranks no. 1 as Educational Consultants in Italy is located in an old fancy building in a quite Central position, that means big Money and its a show off of Power, as everything that is Money related.

The lady that received me was dressed to kill, my first thought was 'sluttish' high platform hills, a skirt that outlined her bottom and clothes generally way too tight for comfort, designed to impress. I have dressed like that minus the platform shoes that in my Mind are connected as an association to Prostitutes, when I was a kid only Prostitutes wore platforms, now they are everywhere, considering that my memories -even though Not all association - are culture based, we can see how we have oversexualized everything all the way into the workplace, even in positions where women do not need their seduction skills as their jobs are in a way 'secured', but the CULTure is what runs a country and Fashion makes Victims everywhere we look in Italy, as dressing is to stick to a Fashion Code, even when that code becomes ludicrous and obviously absolutely uncomfortable.

She asked me my experience and started to take notes, I had an eclectic working life, she stopped taking notes when she realized that she had all the information she was after, which basically were, were was I with schooling and what I could claim and mainly what I could pay.

She then proceeded with a convoluted speech bringing examples of people 'they helped' to close their paper gaps, a lot of words were spent to say one simple thing, if I was wiling to shed 13000/15000 Euro I would get a PhD in 1 year, she specified that this PhD is Legal and I can use the prefix "Dott" in front of my name BUT since is empty of content, I cannot use it to access the Management courses I wish to access where I would be allowed to sit as an auditor through all the course (PAYING LIKE A REGULAR STUDENT), but won't be allowed to sit for the exams.

To cut through the chase of this river of words I said to the lady 'sorry, I am not clear about what YOU give me during this 1 year of preparing for the PHD? 'And she said 'a Tutor to help you write out your thesis', and then I said that the most expensive Uni Italy has yearly taxes that go from 3000/11000 according to the family income and that students would get their full support in terms of CONTENT and that what it seemed she was selling beyond words, was an empty certificate, not an education to support me to fill the gaps that would allow me to access the courses I am interested in, and pushing words here and there, I ended up calling the service they sold 'a racket'. Obviously the exchange after that point was brief as we both had come to a conclusion from which there was no return, the point of lack of content was owned, the point of lack of support or tutoring was owned, what was left was a price tag for a PhD, that I was NOT willing to pay.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished by not having access to the education System as the topics of my interest and where I see myself do well and be effective, due to the way our Education system is set up, not for Education but for Money Making purposes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the feeling of inadequacy for even having to be in a place for Education consultation at my age and for then looking for something 'wrong' with the lady that received me which I found could be her 'sluttish' attire because that made Her out of place in an Education Consultant Position as much as I felt out of place being there

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought 'no matter how sluttish you are dressed like, you are still ugly', proving that I held resentment towards her for how she was presenting this whole business to me as Education and for having a job, no matter what the job was like, which in the specific was about selling paper/titles for Money,  and for trying to suppress the desire to find faults with her to move myself out of my feelings of inadequacy to make myself feel better

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed that this thought came up and for trying to brush it away, until it became a source of distraction while she was talking as I was having my own personal battle between good and evil, missing out on what she was saying at times because I was too busy wrestling myself to the ground, instead of breathing, flagging the point and telling myself I would unravel it later and keep myself there in Breath to have a real conversation with another being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value having an "education', failing to see that within this system an Education is just a Possession like having a Cartier watch, something to show off that cost Money and that has value ONLY for that reason, because the content of our Educational system is ludicrous, and we can see it by working and facing the newly graduated who have been prepared for dead subjects such as dead languages and can speak Greek or Latin -just about among themselves at school, since Old Greek or Old Latin are as DEAD and as useless as they come and they are valued just as a point of 'exclusivity' in education, which is another point of Worth/Value - while they lack All skills to Live effectively and contribute effectively in Life or any organizational situation, proving that Capitalist Education is just a SCAM

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buy into the knowledge game, when in fact no knowledge so far has been of any use to come up for a Global Solution that is Best for All and still we can't let it go, because Knowledge=Power=Money and so at best we try to have more knowledge than others for more Power and more Money and to assure a more comfortable place for ourselves within the World System, while we accept and allow ourselves to believe that 'we worked hard to get where we are'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand, that not having the same access to Education for All is in fact deliberate, because this System called Capitalism that spreads the Lie of Equal Opportunity for all those that work hard, is in fact a Lie, because the system is NOT designed to be able to cater to the Wants and desires of All within a limited supply of Money and a limited reality of resources, and so it uses the Education System to filter out not the worse, but the challenging ones, the ones that may no fit like square cogs into square holes and keep the system working and that our support of this Capitalistic System proves our desire to create Lives that are worthier than others so we can all keep some slaves down at the bottom to cater for cheap labour and our every whim at the cheapest price possible, and this is possible ONLY if we de-value some Lives vs others, and Education is one of such Tools

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that when we allow a world that is divided in Classes, from First Class to Third Cass and then we call it First World and Third World to confuse the cards on the table, the result of our Class-ism will be that those coming out of their Third Class Universities won't have access to the World system with the same Value as the Ones coming from First Class, not because the subjects studied were different, but because they are Worth Less by Birth and so we end up with University Graduates from the Philippines slaving away for Uneducated Chinese in Hong Kong just because the Money flows from the Chinese down, proving that Education is worthless in the face of Money and unless has been paid for with Big Money in First World/Class Universities which is in fact the key to Valuable Prestigious Diplomas that open the doors to the World System

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that having a University certificate is a Proof of someone's intelligence and worth above others when in fact what is determining the Worth of All in this World at the Moment is MONEY and so we better wisen up to it and let go our ideas and beliefs about the Value of Education, because the Value of an Education is just like everything else, determined by the Money invested in an Education and is no measure of either effective nor capable Human beings, but just another sign of how far we have taken the Money point into every walk of Life and how we accept and allow Money to determine and define Who we are and Who everyone else is, reducing Life to a mere price Tag that those that cannot afford to pay, by no fault of their one, will be reduced at the bottom of society with few or no hope to ever climb up

I commit myself to no longer value education as knowledge and information as I see realize and understand that there is No Value in anything we have done so far that has Not Created a World that is Best for All

I commit myself to stop defining myself according to the Master and PhD I do not have as I move to no longer support the illusion of Value of anything in separation from me as Breath as Life, One and equal to everything that exists.

I commit myself to expose the Education System for what it is, a tool for Social Engineering, a tool for Separation, a Tool for sifting through Humanity to scoop out the ones that will serve the system as faithful slaves and to only direct myself to learn what I need to know to move effectively within this system as a Self responsible, Self Directive Human being standing for what is Best for All, for myself as All of Existence, Equal and One.

I commit myself to support an Equal Money System that will guarantee Free relevant Education for All, to stop this system of profit and lack of content as a Racket we created to Profit from One Another and to support others to see Reality for what it is, so we may wake up and move on from this World of Abuse to a World of Support for All Living Beings, Equal and One.

Related articles

• Day 189: Social Engineering - The Illusion of Choice
• Copy Paste Character - The Education System - Day 184
• Day 87 - Every Decision is Deliberate
• Day 191: Mind Control - The Dark Side of "Hope"
• Day 107: Getting Reality to Conform to an Illusion

Day 149: I Don't Want To Go to Heaven

As we write our Journey to Life Blogs, Creation, Earth and Heaven are writing their as well.

How do I experience myself within reading those Blogs?

When I read Earth's Journey to Life blogs, I just see common sense, sometimes I react, mainly when I want to say things like 'come on, this is not important, with the kind of mess we are in, this is menial' but I can work those feelings and emotion out and go back to the Blog consistently as I have seen how supportive it has been to open up Characters for myself.

When I read Creation's Journey to Life, I have ups and downs, basically like when I read Earth's but more accentuated, and I experience myself as on a continuous ride as what I believed I had grasped the day before I have to question again today in relation to another point, so I would say destabilizing but again, like when I get a painful massage, that kind of sour pain that I know 'it's good for me'

Then comes Heaven, I definitely don't want to go to Heaven!

So I decided to look at why when I sit down to read Heaven's Blogs I have so much resistance coming up, even though I find them very interesting, the ones I can understand and where I don't lose myself in word loops, I have tried talking to myself about it and reminding myself how much I enjoy them once I start reading, and yet, when I sit down, I fiddle, then I want to read the news first, then have a glass of water and spend 1 hour in the kitchen and some evenings I do so much that I manage to successfully forget to read them just to pile them up, with the anxiety that goes with 'being behind' to then have a marathon to bring myself up to date.

So what is it that I resist about Heaven's Blogs?

One point that I have seen clearly with Eqafe Material as well is that I resist anything that spells out that I am a robot and tries to explain the in depth mechanics of how we function.

I find this news to be the hardest I had to swallow since joining Desteni, not because I have in any way a doubt that I am not, just because there is a part of this Creation story that I find horrifying, terrible, scary and if possible I don't want to know about it, I don't want the gory details of how machine-like we have become because I secretly treasure all my other beliefs about how 'special we are' and that we were created by a loving and benevolent God and the gap between my previous knowledge and this information is so wide that when I attempt to close it I fear to fall into the crack to just never come back.

I have done the traditional cracking at the beginning, the shock and the trauma and then I began to be scared of being traumatised again, not knowing how much more trauma can I take in one life about myself and who I am as looking at myself as a machine is Not Cool and doesn't make me feel good about myself, in fact it makes me feel like shit, even though I came to this path by logic in a way, having seen humanity on an automated path and patterns of self destruction, automated like in automaton such as robotic, without tools for Self correction that I only found trough Desteni.

So basically, I don't want to go to Heaven, because Hell as where I am and what I know seems better, seems safer, and because every time I read one of these blogs the first thoughts that come up is the utter cruelty of this creation and the utter disrespect for Humanity as I see the suffering that yes, may be self inflicted, but we did not come here with an instruction manual and so what I don't want to face in Heaven's blog is the anger that I feel, the desire to kick down walls and shake the Creators while I shout 'how the fuck comes you could not see where all this was leading, you omnipotent, omniscient God of my Ass?' and guess what? Back to square one and the Righteousness of the Atlanteans, still holding the fucking grudge for having ended up here at the bottle neck of creation, the ''I' of the Needle to just have to walk back the whole Creation up to point Zero and face the truth, Creator, Creation and Created as One and Equal.

Tomorrow I Will walk my self forgiveness for the existential rage and the desire to not face the point that we are walking the consequences of what we set in motion while we were not self responsible Creators from the starting point of Oneness and Equality as What is Best for All.

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• Sub-Personality Backchat Creation - Part 2: DAY 122
• Character Resonance Evolution - Part 2: DAY 126
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