Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Day 238: Concerned about what I share

This is a new one, sort of.
Since a month ago someone from my past came back into my life -not really- but came back into my head.
And now everything I post gets first screened for approval to see if it's acceptable or not, if it will rock the boat too much and even to send 'subliminal messages' hoping some hints are taken, so that I don't have to speak up or say what is it that I am really going through.

This clearly showed me that I still very much care about what others think of me, I was just idle for a year or so since there was nobody left around me whose opinion I cared for, everyone had just upped and left where I had not been the one to do that first.

Of all the people that can read my Facebook page, for a while I was concerned with my ex husband, I feared the label of 'nutcase' for the Annunaki Reptilians stuff I posted, which is CRAZY -not even remotely as the things we believe at the moment about our creation important to note-, because I fear the association with anything connected to the Reptilians due to my own judgements of the Reptilians story the first time I heard it, when I bent in two in hysterics thinking THAT was the stupidest thing I ever heard, a race that created us as slaves to mine gold, come on people, a race so advanced to be able to fly around and land on planets at leisure, couldn't they come up with some sorts of robots to do that work, who would take a race and try to change their DNA (and how??) and then make them mine gold for them, and couldn't they get an alternate source of energy than gold, so many holes in that story, they just compounded to make the Russian yoga teacher that shared it with me seem more like a Space Cadet than she ever did before.

When I met Desteni therefore I had to drag myself through my own self created and then self inflicted sense of ridicule for quite some time and never really sorted it out.
I know the Annunaki Reptilians piece is one I find the most embarrassing to be associated with, even today, not because what they share doesn't make sense, far from it, Anu's interviews are on top of my list of Amazing things I learned in this Lifetime, but just because of what I have not cleared within me yet, this became painfully clear when I wanted to share a piece on Capitalism with a guy on the Economics thread and I went all the way to posting it into another of my blogs which is more anonymous, in fear that if the page opened on the Reptilians interview, EMC, EMS and myself would be dismissed as foolish and plain insane, that the point of the Reptilians would be abused to Not Hear and not even consider what was shared.
I even redid my blog removing all their interviews, I posted the other 'acceptable' interviews on Eqafe, the ones people can relate to more easily and there they can find the Reptilians as well.
Of course this added an extra layer of friction, as this point has moved through me in different phases:

Phase 1: the Ridicule phase - secretly laughing about myself
Phase 2: The Fear phase, what will people think
Phase 3: The "In Your Face" phase, I have got balls I'll share ALL the Reptilians stuff, watch me
Phase 4: Ex boyfriend on radar - what will he think of me, can I stand being a nutcase again, what if he doesn't like me/want me anymore, what if he wants to disassociate from me
Phase 5: Monitoring my posts, activate secret policeman to watch each post and 'imagine' my 2 new/old FB friends reactions, seek "meaning loaded" posts to share to shape ex boyfriend into new potential boyfriend I can hook up with
Phase 6: Shame
Phase 7: Suppression
Phase 8: Fear that sharing EMS and EMC on a page with Reptilians interviews will be scuffed and derided
Phase 9: Revamping my Blogger site to delete All traces of 'weirdness'
Phase 10: Self Disgust
Phase 11: Writing it all out

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when the Russian yoga teacher told me the Reptilian story based on a group trying to reactivate our lost DNA, to laugh and laugh and secretly ridicule her for her beliefs, because I thought' how convenient, to blame this fucked up world and our existence on imaginary brain damaged reptilians that couldn't come up with a better solution to dig out their gold than twist our DNA that resulted in the fuck ups we are today

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when considering the Reptilian story tell myself that such an evolved race would have come up with something smarter, something like robots to do their dirty gold job, failing to even consider that we may be the robotic creations of such a plan

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, whenever the word robot, robotic, automaton comes up relative to Humanity, to move into resistance as I don't want to be associated to a robot, robotic Creation or automaton because that makes me perceive myself as diminished, "less than" what I liked to believe about myself and humanity and our inherent -although invisible - greatness

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I was in the Taliban phase of Desteni, moving to obsess everyone around me with my 'discovery' of the Matrix, to share this information with my ex husband and when he replied to me 'The Matrix is NOT real, get a grip on yourself', to feel ridiculed and diminished and unable to explain HOW it was in fact real because I had spent evenings chatting with him after we watched 'The Matrix' movie to prove that it was In fact impossible to be living inside an engineered reality due to technical limitations, such as data storage, failing to see we were addressing this point from our own limited understanding of reality and how it all worked without considering the Creators' ability to manage the points we saw and deemed unmanageable without us 'sniffing out the truth of it all'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, first seek approval and support from those around me about this incredible story that made so much sense to me I had to share it and when that didn't happen and I perceived people shying away from me, to isolate myself and push away everyone else that may be a source of ridicule for myself as I sat imagining the kind of conversations my ex friends would have about me, just as I had about the Russian yoga teacher and the reptilians story and for gossiping about my Russian friend and ridiculing her about 'her' reptilian's theory, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand, that the reason why I ridiculed my Russian friend was because I feared knowing anything about this reality that may contradict my belief in the Benevolence of it all that I had managed to hold on to in the face of Reality as the evidence that there could be no benevolence in this creation of Inequality and Suffering and a God/Universe/ White Light that expected anyone to go through unspeakable life experiences for the Glory of....., and for submitting myself to fear as a way to not take responsibility for this creation as mySelf, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I met Desteni, fear that I would be forever changed by the information they shared and fear what I may come to learn about ourselves and this reality and within this fear to build up resistances to some information about the evident robotic nature of ourselves to the point of moving into reactions that I would suppress every time the words robot, robotic, automaton were written somewhere because I feared the experience of myself as diminished, belittled, dwarfed in the face of the truth that I never lived and that everything of me that I came to believe to be true was in fact a lie

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgement of others of me as a nutcase because I had been travelling and embracing many belief systems that I had successfully sold to others such as Law of Attraction, but I could not see how was I going to sell THIS ONE, as I projected on others my own fear of learning about this reality and the true nature of ourselves, even though I had already come to some obvious realizations about Humanity, such as the one that we are having Personality Disorders as the foundation of our interactions, and for believing that it is important that I sell a Theory to someone else to make it valid and true, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, instead of going to the root of my Fears relatively to these information, suppress it and create another Personality to handle it all, The" Bold In-Your-face- Personality, through which I mustered the courage to share the amazing Reptilians interviews, not from the starting point of sharing what I had found supportive, but from a 'screw you' starting point, to prove to myself that I could do it, that I had the balls to share what I came to learn was true and that other should learn as well so I could have their support and approval and feel good about myself again

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when B and T contacted me and I felt the past showing up, to move into fear about what I shared, fearing that what I shared was not acceptable to be considered 'normal' or 'worthy of attention' and that if I did continue I would be labelled a nutcase or someone belonging to a cult, and instead of unraveling what was going on within me, I activated the policeman in my head to whom I would first ask approval before I posted to make sure what I posted was acceptable and I wouldn't have to face consequences from my posting, such as being ridiculed or being dropped for 'no longer being interesting -or sane' and for accepting and allowing myself to be driven by fear and the desire to be accepted, valued and considered sane in what I have been sharing now for a month, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I realized I was monitoring my posts through a policeman in my head, to move into shame and instead of addressing the shame to proceed to suppress it, pretending it wasn't there, just like the policeman in my head, because I feared the judgement of myself as weak and a man's puppet seeking for approval in the hope that I may get a relationship going for me if I didn't seem too insane or 'too out there'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when debating Equal Money Capitalism and Equal Money System on the Economics thread on Facebook and when wanting to share some writing about why we are not considering the system we live in, to realize I had fears of associating the information on EMC and EMS to Reptilians and for considering changing my whole Blog format before addressing the fears driving me to this point, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a wimp for changing my Blog format instead of seeing that it may make sense to not create additional friction in those who are attempting to consider a new system of Governance and that instead of judging myself as a wimp, I could have looked at this point practically putting myself in the shoes of another, asking myself if I could have handled both the information about a new system and the truth of who we are at the same time and that if I came to the understanding that it may be more beneficial to lead others as mySelf to Eqafe and allow them to work out the information at their own pace, I could have done so, not as a wimp but as a self directed decision about what is best for all and not what is best for me to either cover up or pacify my fears and that this is the point why we are pushing to move beyond Reactions, emotions and feelings, so that we can CLEARLY see what needs to be done and just move to do it, beyond self judgements and beyond energetic as positive/negative/neutral driven actions

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not clear myself over this point for almost a month and for allow it to build up until I could no longer trust that what I was doing was in alignment with what is best for all because I did not take the time to clear myself enough to stand stable and move as self direction in the most effective and supportive way for all and for this, I forgive myself

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into checking in my mind through a Secret Policeman what I am about to do, I stop, breathe, bring myself back here, do not allow my decisions to be driven by secret energetics within me in fear of judgement, self judgement or desires to be liked and accepted, instead I make sure that I am clear before I post what I want to share with others in alignment with what is best for all

When and as I see myself having doubts about what I have decided to do, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that if I am having doubts I am not Here, because when I have been here in and as Breath I have just done what seemed common sense to me and if I am having doubts I first need to bring myself back here in and as Breath and if the doubts persist, I shall sit down and write down what is going on within me that stands in the way of my clarity before I act in and as Self directive Principle

When and as I see myself fearing that what I am about to do may have undesired consequences, I stop, breathe, assess if the undesired consequences I am fearing are real or just imagined through one of my personalities and when I am clear and stable I act in and as Self directive principle

I commit myself to no longer be concerned about what I share as I see realize and understand that when I am here in and as Breath, stable, not driven by any reaction, emotion or feeling, I am able to assess the outflows of what I am doing and evaluate the benefit of sharing vs the benefit of not sharing and to breathe before I act to make sure nothing drives me that is not mySelf as Self directive principle in alignment of Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All.

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