This is a follow up to my post 'Have you kowtowed to Your Family today?'
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am indebted to my mother because of all the Money she spent raising me
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live like a Debtor within the Family system as my family claimed credits on my Life for what they did for me as I was growing up
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about the feelings of hatred I felt for my family that I believed to be me as who I am for this Debt that I felt was put on my shoulders since I was born without my permission, instead of seeing and realizing I was angry at myself for accepting to live as a Debt/Credit system as a result of buying into the Lie of Money and the Money System
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of my mother saying 'with all I have done for you, you ungrateful asshole' and for feeling guilty and ashamed for being ungrateful especially because I did not understand how to 'properly' show gratefulness and get out of the 'ungrateful' cycle and for feeling inadequate for my inability to express 'proper gratefulness' I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame my family for how I experienced myself in relation to being indebted to them as I made them guilty and responsible for 'my state of mind' instead of taking self responsibility for accepting the Lie of Life being indebted and subjected to Money
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that FamiLie were more important than anyone else because they could save my ass with Money in case anything went wrong in my life and for this role I gave them resent their very existence as the Money Lenders of the World, and for resenting the existence of FamiLies and desiring to be an orphan so I would not be indebted to anyone, instead of seeing I was the source and origin of the Debt system within me, I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live as a Debtor to my FamiLie because I accepted and allowed myself to react to the prompting of 'everything they did for me' as the reason and origin of my Debt, instead of seeing and realizing it was through my acceptance and allowance of myself as indebted that I stood as a 'subject' within the Family system, and for not standing on my own two feet no matter the triggers or the prompting to subject myself to the FamiLie -I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I realized that my FamiLie was Not loving or supportive, to feel entitled to participate in creating credits for myself by giving them expensive presents in the hope to buy back my Freedom from the Debt Slavery, without seeing realizing and understanding the point that as they themselves were Slaves and Slave Owners it was not up to them to let me go but up to me to no longer accept the servitude of the FamiLie system in the name of Money
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react to my mother when she made a joke about this house being HER house and the Money deriving from it being subject to her approval of how I will spend it, because I accepted and allowed myself in one moment to move back into a position of Dependency and "being owned" while backchatting in secret that this will last only until I can get my hands on this Money and then our paths will part once and for all, instead of seeing and realizing that this is wishful thinking because I have been before in position of Economic Independence and yet this point of FamiLie ownership and Debt was not resolved inside of me - and for feeling guilty and disloyal for backchatting within myself about 'the day I will finally be free' while blaming my mother for my slavery -I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel diminished as my mum attempts to pull strings, consciously or unconsciously instead of seeing, realizing and understanding she is just doing what she is accustomed to and it's up to me to not accept to be puppeteered around in the name of Money as I build myself into stability and consistency in and as Breath
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear my mother and the power I perceived she has over me regarding this house and the Money I can get from it, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding she can only have the power I give her through my own abdication of Self responsibility for how I experience myself and for giving away my power hoping to diminish my fears of survival as I made myself part of an imaginary support system such as the FamiLie, I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my mother made the nth joke about Money and the House She Owns, to wish away the anger that I felt instead of addressing it and seeing how could I resolve this 'debtor anger' once and for All, and for blaming my mother for her Money jokes and her desire to keep me hooked on the Money line and judging her as a bitch I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when my mum brought up the point of the Money she lent me to buy my first apartment that I have not given back to move into a reaction followed by a backchat about how I couldn't fucking believe she was bringing up this point AGAIN, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that when she automatically moves to make claims on my Life as a debtor, she is coming from a point of Fear, such as the Fear she told me that she might have to help me AGAIN in her old age and then her own survival would be jeopardized and for missing out on this point that drove the whole discussion which was fear of survival and for accepting and allowing myself to automatically react instead of breathing before I went into automated subjected inferior position for my perceived debts, I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I always sought harmony within my famiLie instead of seeing realizing and understanding, I sought their support to diminish my fears of survival and of being alone in the world and for living as fear of survival and fear of being alone in the world to the point of allowing those fears to drive my life and the decisions I made, I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to pass on this Money dynamics onto others over which I sought the power of Life and death, such as my staff or my employees, and for using Money to own people and to create debt inside of them toward me so I could balance the imaginary ledgers that I was juggling in secret within myself as the Mind, I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I love my mum very much because when I think about when she will day I am overwhelmed by a sadness so great that it chokes me, instead of seeing and realizing that I am in fact overwhelmed by a fear so great that it chokes me as then I will be alone in this world with no one in my 'bloodline' surviving with me and being the imaginary support I have accepted and allowed myself to believe family is, and for living in and as the fear of being alone in the world with no support or anyone in my bloodline surviving with me, I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think about when my mum won't be around anymore and I will finally have access to some money that I won't have to justify to anyone how I spend, and for feeling guilty and ashamed about these thoughts of what will I do with everything that will fall in my lap at my mother's death, I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to support a world in which we all lie to each other about the real role of FamiLies as the teachers and supporters of the acceptance and allowance of this system of abuse, and for becoming an abuser within the FamiLie as the FamiLie system in support of the system as it is, I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that FamiLies come above all and within this for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am separated from this World and everyone in it and that some are more important than others which is reflected in the Money System where some get more right to Life than others, and for supporting a system of Inequality and Separation as myself instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this World is Self and that we are all Equally Important with the same Right to Life and that we should give to one another what we would like for ourselves, I forgive myself
When and as I see myself moving or about to move into a position of inferiority to my mother due to Money issues, I stop, breathe, assess what is it I am reacting to that I have not yet cleared and as soon as I can write myself out into stability in and as Breath
When and as I see myself seeking to pick up the hidden meanings of my mother's jokes about Money so that I can move into automatic behavior using her jokes or remarks as triggers to not take responsibility for my experience of myself, I stop, breathe and do not allow myself to respond automatically but hold myself here stable in and as breath
When and as I see myself moving into defense mode as soon as my mother starts the sentence 'I wanted to talk to you about something' as I have come to associate this sentence to a Money talk, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that whatever comes up I can handle it in the moment in and as breath and I don't need to allow memories or thoughts to run wild to show me what is coming and if I see memories as thoughts or backchat coming up, I stop, breathe and do not allow myself to participate in and as it
I commit myself to no longer participate in feelings of being indebted or of inferiority to my mum just because of Money or Imaginary credits derived by 'everything she did for me' as I see realize and understand this is how we are keeping the debt system alive for everyone and I commit myself to release my debts and credits one by one until I no longer exist as the Debt and Credit system of this world
I commit myself to unconditionally support an Equal Money System so that no child coming into the World will be indebted to their parents or anyone else any longer as each Life will be supported from Birth to Death and the Life of All will be a given Credit and never again a Debt to be repaid.
No comments:
Post a Comment