Since one is required by Confucian philosophy to show great reverence to one's parents and grandparents, children may also be required to kowtow to their elderly ancestors, particularly on special occasions. For example, at a wedding, the marrying couple was traditionally required to kowtow to both sets of parents, as acknowledgement of the debt owed for their nurturing. KowTow (Wikipedia)
One week ago, last time I saw my mum we had a chat.
This time when she said "I'm so glad we had this Honest chat and cleared things up and isn't it wonderful to be able to talk?", I felt a point of irritation.
The point was relative to the fact that Self Honesty should be Normal and I am now becoming aware of all the times she points it as flags of how abnormal our relationships have always been.
Today I listened to the Anu's talk 'Love and Hate' which was specifically about Family and Friends relationships and how much Hatred exists in every household, I did not react to that at all, I was always aware of this point within my family, some of the things that went on when I was a child and later on could be called Love only by demented psychopaths and yet we keep the games up, we tell each other 'is your family after all' AS IF that should count for something, which in fact it does, it counts for all of us as a collective keeping up the lies, pretending that everything we do within the Family is laced with good intentions even when it's clearly not so.
Two weeks ago during Christmas lunch and then during this 'most honest chat' three things came up, the first was when my mum praised me for having become thrifty, as if I had a choice in the matter, to which I responded that I am thrifty ONLY because I am not turning Money and she replied 'oooh what a silly joke you just made, you are walking a very dangerous line', we both understood immediately what she meant, which was 'I won't give you the half of the house money if we sell it IF I am afraid you may spend it on something I basically do not approve of'. I felt myself flush and then worked to not reply, obviously through my old friend, suppression and a bit of breathing too.
Two days later on the phone she made a joke about this ex boyfriend that came back to my 'Mind' who lives in Ireland and she had already given me a speech about 'equality' -yes because parents//family are so fucking clever, they'll find the new language you are aligning to and then proceed to use it against you- specifying that the next partner I should choose would have to contribute 'equally' to the household, for those who lack the experience to translate mother's language this means 'he has to pay his fair share, whatever you do' this rose from a point of fear because when she asked 'what does he do' and I said he told me he writes and writes song, she moved into calculating the monetary equivalent of his lifestyle and was not satisfied with it, as artist equals penniless and as we know, parents are the first upholders of the Money System or honestly, how would we learn all this Money Crap without their help?
Of course she was not satisfied that I got the message, so during one of our phone calls she went back on the topic and said '..because I am not selling MY house to support a musician of any sort', here something interesting happened, because I did react but I was not sure to what, at the moment I thought I reacted to her fucking endless interference and applied self forgiveness for it until I felt cleared.
But, when we had our 'honest chat' and she raised the point of the joke I made about not having REALLY turned into a thrifty scrooge, I said 'honesty for honesty' that I didn't enjoy the joke she made either as that made me feel that I am always dependent on getting this fair share of the house only if she approves of what I do, which is unacceptable, she denied making that joke, she said she THOUGHT about it but was very careful to not voice it out, I told her since I am no Mind reader and I heard it you must have voiced it out and then deleted the fact that you did, like so many of our exchanges which contributed to me thinking I was just crazy and attempting to develop less "crazy-no crazy" personalities to make up for my flaws both in memory -obviously, since no one was ever accountable for what they said, while blaming each other for making it up, not hearing right, or not having a sense of humor -my very favorite- and within the interactions with Family.
Then she said 'well if we talk about nasty jokes I made another one you may not have picked up on' and I said 'which one?' And she said the one about 'selling MY house...' then it dawned on me, I knew I reacted but I had not seen the loaded meaning, the Intent to harm, when she said that I felt a moment of deflating inside, like the castle of cards of family goodness and protection rolling and tumbling once more, because let's face it and I can gladly say I have done this for years, Families are plain Nasty, they just have different degrees of Nastiness and different weapons.
My mum's and the rest of my family was always MONEY, but hei, wait a minute, isn't it the same for us all, aren't we all keeping each other Prisoners of this fucking Money System and it must start within the Family, where else?
During our honest chat she proceeded as well to remind me that, when I bought my first tiny apartment in Milan, she anticipated to me the equivalent of 8000 euros of today, this was 25 years ago, she said it was all the Money she had and that I never thanked her for giving me that Money because I believed that I gave it back when in fact I gave back only the money of the absurd mortgage she had me subscribe that charged me the equivalent of 280 euros when I was earning 320, she made that choice on my behalf so I would have paid less interests (?) which drove me to not being able to repay it AT ALL and have to go and work as a live in nanny in a rich Jewish family to make sure my living costs would be covered, that someone would feed me and pay for electricity, gas and water and when she was satisfied that I "suffered" enough, she gave me the money to extinguish the mortgage so I could return to a 'normal ' life of office slavery and go back to my home in the evenings. I paid back every penny of that, we seem to agree on that point.
Apparently I forgot to tell her Thank You, for the advance money that she never asked back, what a fucking Shame! So I said Thank You for the nth time, it just seems that this Thank You doesn't stick, no matter how many times she brought up this point and I said I was sorry for not remembering THAT point and Thank You, because come on, there was Money involved and when Money is involved you are asked to subscribe to Slavery forever, starting with families, and they plan and plot on how to never let you go, they willingly hold on to credits to make sure they can one day remind you 'everything they did for you' which has a value in the Debt/Credit system, and the awesome beauty of it, is you have to live in FEAR because only they know when they plan to call back the Credits and use them against you, to push you back into your Debtor position, to turn you into a living IOU to keep you toeing the line, unless you see that they are just looking for your kowtow and your acceptance of your subordinate position within the Family System and then the Outer Bigger System within the Money Game.
It would be better if we realized the Family point, if we found the balls to challenge our relationships within the Family to see them for what they really are, they are a breeding ground for Slaves, not a Safe Haven, not the Solace from an unjust World, Families is where the Architects of Control have been delegated by the System to pass on our limited views of reality, to make sure nothing changes.
My Mum kowtowed to my grandparents for Money and those Imaginary well documented Filial debts, shouldn't she ask I do the same, when is Her turn if not Now?
It is up to us to break those chains forever more, if it's too late for our parents we can still make it and break those links to not allow the dis-ease that Humanity has become to be passed on, we break the enslaving chains of dis-eases deleting all ledgers of Credits and Debts within Our Inner to change the Outer to Let Life Break Free, once and for All.
Self forgiveness to follow tomorrow with Self Corrective Statements.