Sunday, March 10, 2013

Day 283: The Fear of leaving behind Knowledge and Information

I had a dream.

In the dream I was spending time with one of my friends and his son.

He asked me if I could help him with his English homework and I said yes, so he came close and showed me his book, but I was dozing off and in the dream I realized I could not follow him unless I woke up, so I tried to wake up but when I did, I realized I would wake up from the dream and then the book -and the boy!- would disappear and I would NOT be able to help him, so I spent some time in the dream trying to wake up enough but not too much to have the book disappear and finally I managed a sort of balance but I was uncomfortable because I knew I was dreaming and that what I was doing was worthless, I could have woken up completely and then yes, the book would have been gone, but the boy too so there would be no loss, no one was REALLY in need of my knowledge and information and this sense of the uselessness of it all, made me choose the dream vs the reality of being awake, not caring about the point that what I believed in the dream was worthy and valuable, was not even real.

Who will I be if I let go my knowledge and information?

Do I need to let go what I know or the value I have invested in it as who I am?

If I hold on to knowledge and information as value, am I not part of this world problem that values Education as a reason why not everyone has the same worth and value?

Why do I fear facing the point of how much value I have invested in knowledge and information, what is behind this value point that I fear to lose?

Ok, so definitely a fear of loss of a definition of myself as knowledgeable, this is again a money survival point, because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I had MORE knowledge and information then I was worth more in terms of my access to the Money world and I would have better chances at surviving.

So the point is a Value point in relation to my market worth, which as I wrote brought up another point of Value/Worth as being good looking but fearing that I would be exploited for that if I did not back it up with enough knowledge and information to not be taken for a ride, literally, so behind the knowledge and information point there is the acceptance that this is a man's world and I have to pile up credits as vantage points to be able to measure up, I see that this point is quite big because as I reach some of those points that have become who I am, I just want to write that this is a FACT, that this is a Man's world and I better not delude myself with some Pollyanna stories that resembles the positive thinking that I can THINK myself out of this one - so there is a fear that I can't let go this point because I need the extra value to compete with men for survival, when in fact the value I hold on to has become my very own limitation in stopping the ongoing competition with men in search for value I use to measure up to them - as in ability to turn Money and the fact that my value is now linked to knowledge and information which makes me feel vulnerable because I can always meet someone with more, just like with Money and then I will expose myself to the inferiority superiority game I have set up as I went and looked for points of superiority in fear of being inferior, accepting being inferior as a woman as a fact.

Of course this point rang true yesterday again when I watched Prof Wolff whose first talk I enjoyed so much, while the second one I watched brought up the value of education and left me feeling uneasy as I saw how he justified why some professors should earn more than others and I knew I could well follow the whole speech all the way to agreement because I hold on to this belief that education has worth and value without seeing that the worth and value education has is MY worth and value that I invested in it and that if I didn't -it would be worthless and just a tool to make myself efficient in the system, not adding or subtracting anything to who I am or to anyone else is -as Life.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to value education as knowledge and information above Life, mine and of everyone else

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that without an education I would be worth-less and I would have to fear for my life and about how I was going to support myself in a world of men

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that this point is especially alive when I am around men, as I showed to myself in my dream, where there were 2 men less knowledgeable than me and then I didn't want to wake up from the dream because I enjoyed my position of superiority in my imaginary competition in my Mind, in which I always set out to prove, to men especially, that they don't know Jack, that they are stupid, and that their position on top of the world is deceivingly gained and ill granted, when in fact I am the one granting it by holding on to my fear of being less that drives me to show them I am more at every chance I get

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not trust in my ability to reach a point of Equality with men because they only want to fuck you so you better have an arsenal of ammo in the guise of knowledge and information to prevent yourself to be taken for a ride or to believe all the crap they come up with, when in fact I don't need anything but my self trust that I can handle any situation as an Equal when and as I am faced with men who I perceive cannot be trusted

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make men that cannot be trusted, which in my mind is pretty much all of them, the reason why I can't let go of my knowledge and information as value, without seeing realizing and understanding that they were just my excuse for hanging on to the value I have divested of myself into knowledge and information -and to hold on to my excuse I had to make men worse than they are in my mind, make the threat of their presence real so that I would be justified in WHY I must hold on to that extra value, because I really really need it, instead of seeing realizing and understanding it is not about who they are around me but who I am around them that sets the terms of engagement, and that the only correction I need to work on is on me and that requires for me to take back all the value I have invested in something outside of my Self that I made more than me as Life as Breath

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that it was me that set the rule of the game with men every single time and that as I set out exploiting my good looks as a vantage point I then had to back them up with knowledge and information so I could pretend that I was not in fact playing the Beauty game and that it was all in their Mind because look, I am knowledgeable and informed and the fact that you want to fuck me is Your Fault, when in fact I used knowledge and information as the smoke screen to keep playing the seduction game without paying the price of the unspoken promises that I put on the table at every deal, because I could

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame men and make them dangerous regarding how they responded to me and my seduction games through knowledge and information, building up case after case against them to prove it was their fault that they saw SEX everywhere I placed it and then magically deleted it through the use of knowledge and information to just leave them confused and wonder if they had imagined it all or if I had hinted that something may take place sometime if they would give me what I wanted, which was access to the same world they had access to, the men's world, and for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself by accepting that this world was not made for me but for them only to then live to fight my own acceptance and allowance, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that with knowledge and information I could aspire to more, be more, move more swiftly into the system as 'increased value' leaving behind those with less value as knowledge and information without ever considering that I should have looked for solutions on how we could equalize our value and make everyone equally valuable and worthy once and for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I realized that good looks as a genetic advantage could take me far, fear that I would be judged for the good looks alone and be made less, be talked about, be diminished as someone who only had That to offer and as such, pile up knowledge and information as my excuse to why I was rising up in the world when in fact it was just the way I looked that took me places and for living the guilt for looking good as an undeserved point of advantage that I had to match with a point I perceived I deserved for real such as knowledge and information, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that I feared losing the good looks advantage so much that I stockpiled on another advantage such as knowledge and information, because I wanted to be advantaged one way or another not seeing realizing and understanding that through valuing external points above my Self I was in fact diminishing myself at every turn in the hope to gain more value for myself, a long lasting value that I could hold on to, either through looks or knowledge and information because I was for sure not willing to go down the scale of value to the point of having to accept any and every job to make a living, and for not considering the point of no choice of many others either in terms of looks or knowledge and information to give themselves the same access to resources as a Right to Live, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that as I hold on to my value as knowledge and information, the world has the same right to hold on to this point as the reason why some are more worthy than others and for my participation in devaluing some so I could be more, so I could stop the fear of being in their place I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that those with a higher education have more right to Life than those with a lower education, because as I could not believe that those with better looks had that right as that was a 'chance' point, education seemed 'earned' to me and as such the right to More was 'earned' too and unquestionable, when in fact the point that not all have access to the same possibilities for knowledge and information invalidates this point for all, and as such I forgive myself for having been part of the supporting team of value of knowledge and education vs Life, One and Equal for All, with the same Rights, choices and access to benefits that would create a world into a heavenly place for All vs a heavenly place for me alone.

When and as I see myself facing a man and move or about to move into my All Knowing Character, I stop, breathe, do not participate in the fear of being less or the desire to prove something and bring myself back Here through breathing until I am stable

When and as I see myself experiencing or about to experience a full blown point of loss just because I did not participate in showing off my knowledge as a 'missed chance' to gain value for myself, I stop, breathe, remind myself that as I seek value outside of myself I am accepting my worthlessness as who I am and not my Equality with everything that exists from the lowest to the highest point of existence and see realize and understand that I can only be All or nothing and that I have to be no one to be able to be All of Us, willing to delete myself to stand as a point of no desire and no fear and to reach that point I have to consistently Not allow myself to participate in polarity games, no matter how tempting as value-adding they may seem

I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to believe that my Value lies in my knowledge and information or in my looks or in anything that I can find that is separate from me as Self and to identify where I still hold on to points of external Value to bring it All back to Self as Life as One and Equal, to stop this game of polarity and superiority and inferiority, for myself and All of existence, Equal and One

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1 comment:

  1. Powerful self-support here Ele! Thanks for sharing this!