Day 175: Last Days of Our Lives - Leaving Last Vegas

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Published on the Desteni Forums under Eleonora's Journey to Life

Day 71: Desire for The Good Life and Shame as Me

When I go to sleep now I have my personal RSS feed of all the things I have not dealt with in my Life, so I can deal with them when I am awake.

Last night dream, I was in Shanghai with some friends even though like in all dreams it was not really Shanghai and I should say they were not really my friends, meaning what I believed friends were.

We were hungry and at one point I said I knew where to go to get us some food and told my friends to wait there. I jumped on a bus and went to a bar, had 3 sandwiches made, I ate my sandwich immediately because I was hungry, then in a strange twist of fate I jumped on a plane and came back home, it took me 4 hours (this is how I know it was not Shanghai), I had a shower, washed my hair, at some point in the dream I met an acupuncturist that told me he could solve my lack of taste and smell problem and he stuck one of the permanent needles on my' third eye', so in the dream I was aware of being conscious of checking my taste and smell for signs of improvement.

At one point I realized I would have to call my friends, I had prepared a story to tell about how I had been delayed and would be back soon, would call with the mobile so they would not know I was back in Italy. The mobile had no credit, that was not good, if I would call them with my land line they would know I was back in Italy and would wonder WTF, so next best plan was to return to the airport and just fly back, I would make up something to say on my way back, but I became preoccupied that there might not be flights back and I moved into anxiety and then I woke up.

So in this dream there are a few points of how I defined myself,

Me as the problem Solver, just give me a problem and I will tackle it, nothing is too big or too small for my cunning mind

Me as the asshole with friends, yeap, this is another definition of myself, as I lived in fear that nothing  could do was ever perfect enough or above reproach to the reproachable and at one point in my life I let loose, I just found out that it did not matter what you did as you would never ever meet everyone's expectations in full so do as you wish and then have a good story for it, or make it up

Me as the seeker for a solution outside of myself for what plagues me

Me as the anxious 'I've fucked up now what' ?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop and define myself as a problem solver because I saw solving problems as a point of value for myself  in a world that was full of them, where always having a solution no matter to the detriment of whom, would make me worthy and precious and give myself more chances to survive within the System

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive life as a long list of problems for which developing the skill of 'problem solving' was essential, especially after finding myself in a problem situation and seeing that I was not able to tackle it effectively when one of my past bosses had a heart attack at the office and he fell on the floor while we were walking next to each other and instead of staying cool I broke into tears because I saw my job and my future melt down in a trembling scared man, and I swore to myself I would mold myself into a problem solver that could tackle any situation to never ever have to feel as helpless as I did on that occasion

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed of myself for not knowing what to do the first time I faced a problem which was in fact a very simple thing as I should have called an ambulance and I had the number written on a piece of paper stuck on the wall in my office, yet I could not perform such a simple task effectively because I panicked and ended up calling 2 ambulances while I stood in both shame for my reaction and terror for my future

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a problem solver meaning someone that can be trusted while all the while I did not trust myself that if a situation that scared me would come up I would be as effective and cool as I wished to project myself but I could break down again, shaming myself and the ones who had put their trust in me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself that if something comes up I can face it even if I have not thoroughly prepared for it in and as me as The Mind and within this I forgive myself for not ever trusting myself in my life but relaying on others outside of me in which I placed my trust to solve my own personal problems like my financial and health problems

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to meet the perfect doctor that can fix my lack of smell and taste, because I doubt that I can in fact solve this problem by myself by applying Self forgiveness and self corrective application to get back into myself as the Physical and stopping my Life as a preprogrammed MCS

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself in that I can in fact do this task of bringing myself back into and as the physical because I rely on my history of never getting anything done as in finishing a task, because I have defined this walk back to Life as a task which is why I need a Time Frame and a plan 'to get it done", instead of accepting that it is not a TASK but a walk that will last until it is done and so I stop looking for timeframes within my head to pacify myself that I can do this as if it were a Marathon and I have to calculate my stamina and how to invest it, and I ACCEPT that I CAN DO THIS for as long as it takes even it is NOT TIME FRAMED AND TASK-YFIED

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear shame and being shamed, instead of seeing and realizing I am the only one that can put me through shame and that I usually move into shame when I fail to stand up to my own expectations and standards I have set for myself as an efficient problem solver

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as an asshole with my friends since I gave up trying to please everyone and I went back to just pleasing me, believing that there was never enough good stuff that I could do to have their respect and consideration and so I might just as well pretend to please them while making sure I pleased myself at least, within each and every endeavour I overtook, instead of seeing there was never anything good enough I could do for MY own respect and consideration  due to the self judgement of myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as Me in separation from Myself as Life Here in and as Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my behaviour with friend as 'asshol-ish', not because of what they perceived I did, which I found plenty of ways to justify and make sense of, but because of what I saw that I did, which was always scheming and plotting so I would have my cake and eat it too, and no one would be the wiser

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed of my friendships because they did not feel real no matter what I tried and invested in them, as there was always a feeling that I could not trust anyone as I failed to see that the one I really did not trust all the time was just myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put value in friendships in which I desired to be 'the best friend' as in having been given a star for a job well done, having fulfilled the friend requirements, failing to see that I sought exclusivity as value even from people I was aware I did not give a shit about, yet it was just another star for my star collection for my accomplishments in life, one of which was 'to be a good friend/possibly the best'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that desiring to be the best is just engaging the Inferiority/Superiority Construct, in which I felt inferior and so I desired to be superior, more, the best, and that every time the word "the best" is used, there must be a worst and I am back into the winner loser game just with a twist, desiring for myself the best and leaving behind the worse as thoughts and emotions and reality to be lived out by someone else

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see extra value in 'the best' of everything, for which I sought the best in my life for myself, be it food or experiences, uncaring about those that would have to live the worse because that is what I left behind, desiring the best to prove to myself that I was the best when in fact I believed I was the worst and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was the Worst

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my grandfather and grandmother teachings about the 'value of the best' while I could see even in my family that while my grandparents lived their 'the best ' life, my mum was left with the worse but I did not care as I followed my desires for the best even if these desires left my mum out as a call close to home of the damages of Inequality that I decided to NOT look at because there was no need to be upset by such things as this is the way life is, some get it sweeter and some get it harder and by God I was going to have it sweeter for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to collect leaflets of 5 star hotels, imprinting myself with the desire for a luxurious life, building up in my Mind Hopes and Dreams and expectation of how MY life was going to be, not like my mum's, a miserable slave life in government projects that I despised, my Life was going to be grand and if she was happy Being a Slave, too bad, her choice, without realizing that as I justified my desire for the best and superior life for myself and the existence of the slave life for my mother and herself, I in fact supported and justified the existence of all inequalities and iniquities in the world, as long as they would not touch me and my 5 star life, which I believed I chose for myself, not seeing I just walked on the tracks of my preprogrammed life and did not rebel to it because I saw ways to make it work for me and I did not care if others had to suffer along the way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have just a fleeting moment of joy when I was in Bangkok a few years ago and I discovered I was staying in one of the 100 best hotels in the world and I saw myself as having made my dream come true, having picked myself up from the shit hole existence my mum would have offered to me and tried to make me accept as a slave within the system, without realizing that it was just a moment and then I felt robbed by this dream that came true as not having any more anything to drive me to better and to best for myself and I saw that this was still not enough, that I still did not feel alive or accomplished and failed to see I was just a slave like my mother in a better looking cage

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to despise my mother for not wanting more for herself, for accepting quietly her life of misery where she was the one left out from the energy games that were going on in my family because she did not comply to the requirements of looking good and fashionable and stop wearing the horrible comfortable shoes she wore and instead make an effort like I did, so I could get into my grandparent's graces and be taken on holiday to the Grand Hotel when my mum was refused a loan from her mother but did not even tell me to not upset my relationship with the rich side of the family, failing to see that who I really despised was myself and within this I forgive myself for despising myself for the stand I took and did not take regarding my mother and our family

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as an asshole not starting with my friends, but going all the way back, to how I handled myself in the relationship between my family, for feeling guilty and shameful for not having a second thought about walking over my mum to get into the rich side of the family to make sure my survival was certain within the system, making up stories of perceived abuses and trespassing from my mum who worked 14 hours a day and sometime did lose her patience but was present as much as she could and yet her sacrifices and devotion angered me because I felt I owed her something and so it was easier to find faults and triggers within her personality that I could use to unleash her anger and justify why I had become this asshole that would leave her behind so I could have the good life while she tiptoed on the edge of this family never been made welcome because my grandmother, like me, had shame issues with her for having abandoned her as a kid as I perceived myself also abandoning her for my own self interest and desires

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to notice that this family shame was passed on to me as my grandmother lived as the suppressed shame of a woman who had to give up her daughter for her relationship with a man 5 year younger than her that started while my grandfather was at war, and that was our family big secret that was never spoken but in fact other stories were made up to cover up the secrets of shame that plagued my family and then myself  when I walked the same path of shame as who I was

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and define myself as the shame I felt for the life I have lived and for blaming this shame on my mum, seeing she was the cause of my shame because if she had never existed I would not have to feel ashamed for siding with my grandparents against her and so to put an end to this shame that I believed to be me as who I really am I desired my mum died or was never existed and that I was my grandma's daughter instead of her

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire that my mum died or never existed and for later desiring that my grandparents died too so I could inherit and live like Pippi Long Stockings, free and with money and a white horse and no more shame because all the ones that caused me shame were finally dead, instead of seeing and realizing I was always the origin and source of my own shame and the judgement of myself as an asshole, and within this I FORGIVE myself for accepting and allowing myself to live One and Equal to Shame as if Shame was who I really am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT realize that Pippi Longstocking/Happy Days/ The Brady Bunch, and all the other Bullshit movies and series, promoting Ideal Lives either with family or even better without, were just designed as another point of desire within a system of Consumers, giving kids and teenagers a fake impression of what was possible within a family that we in fact did not have as in the exhilarating lightness of being, while all along portraying families who HAD MONEY and therefore were beyond most of the problems ordinary families face everyday and that such shows lay the basis of a society of unfulfilled desires that started with what we did not have as a 'normal happy family' as portrayed by the TV and the Movies, because the normal ordinary families are in fact struggling with MONEY PROBLEMS EVERYDAY, and do not have time to be happy and lighthearted and take care of their children in a non damaging way, instead we allow ourselves to dream for better lives and HOPE to fulfill those desires with things that we see advertised that show EXPERIENCES that we could possibly buy for ourselves if we work hard enough and accept the destiny of our lives without caring about what everybody in this world is in fact facing in the physical reality of things

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the reality I wished for was just somewhere else to be found and not obviously in Italy where we did not have Happy days or White Horses and that this led me onto a Quest, looking for that elusive experience which is what we call 'a good life' while I dragged myself along, unsatisfied with everything I lived because it NEVER matched the Dreams I had piled up about beautiful happy lives within Happy families and Great friends, not seeing or realizing that those reality are just a make belief world as experiences and NOT Life, while I lived disregarding Life Here in every moment of Breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Life Here in every moment of Breath, because I found out that Here there is no energy moving me, driving me to the next dream and desired experience, and that Life Here in Breath is nothing like an experience of Spirituality with high feelings and Hopes for the next best thing to come, instead Life Here is what I make of it in every moment of Breath and has no experiential context or energy to move me but it requires that I move myself from one task to another by an act of Self Will through Self Directive principle to stand Here in as Breath as Life in Oneness and Equality for What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear leaving behind my life that I have defined as a series of experiences, looking for the best one all the time, failing to see that when I define Life as an experience I am living a Self Delusion of Energy which is Not Life and to which I have abdicated Life Here in and as Breath because I chose the exciting ride over the simplicity of Life as Breath, and within this I forgive myself for choosing excitement and self fulfillment over Life in Oneness and Equality and What is best for All

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself and others in fear for  my own survival, having identified Money as the Source of Happiness and All that IS Good and yet for not having ever considered that if Life was Good and safe only with Money, Money should be Equally Given as Life to All, to stop what we have become as in stopping our Fear of Survival we would have the time to reassess ourselves and make amends to ourselves and others for not having lived as Life One and Equal but as Monsters seeking the next source of Money as Energy as Life as what we have accepted and allowed Money to become

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anxious because 'I have fucked up now what?' and for not realizing this is not relative to a specific event, but to my life in general as I have judged my life experience as a series of unstoppable fuck ups in which I outdid myself with time in growing into the Asshole of the century, and that I will never in fact be able to fix The Past, instead of realizing I feel anxious because of my own judgements that there was nothing I could ever do to fix myself, but now that I have discovered the Desteni Tools I see that I can delete what I have done and who I believe and perceived I have been and how I have defined myself, so that I can rewrite myself into a Self Honest being that supports Life and no longer seek the ever elusive value of Energy/Experiences/Money above Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Experiences that would lead to my filing of Happy Memories were more important that Life as Me, Here in every moment of Breath, failing to see that no matter how good some of my experiences I have filed both, the negative and the positive, because my Life has been a Life of Polarity and Duality and the Good can never come without the Bad, and that to Stop the Bad of this world the Good must go as well, so that Life as Breath, Here, beyond polarities can be born from the Physical in Oneness and Equality and What is best for All.

I commit myself to stop my existence as Desire for Experiences, as I see realize and understand that experiences are not Life and they leave behind memories that are Not Life, on which we base the rest of experiences to come in a never ending loop of dissatisfaction from one energy high to an energy drop, instead of giving up experiences as Energy delusions and embracing Life Here in and as every moment of Breath

I commit myself to embrace Life Here in every moment of Breath, one Breath at the Time

Day 57: I am not My Memories

“I am not my memories. I am my dreams.” ~ Terry Hostetler

Today I will look at the point of 'Being my Memories'.

Most of my Life I have tried to build 'good memories' to file, I have believed that Good Memories were a treasure, a space I could go back to when nothing seemed to work.

I never realized before that Memories in fact just Bind You, while I looked for a picture I found one that said exactly that, Memories That Bind You, Family Legacies, here is One of the Dictionary definition of Legacy:

Something handed down from an ancestor or a predecessor or from the past

Handed down, or transmitted.

So Memories are hands down from the past, they are not Life, they exist only in and as our Mind, hopefully filed to generate all over AGAIN, the good feelings that we felt when that event took place and we filed it for the first time, we file intentionally memories as experiences that were 'worth living'.

Then we have a truckload of the ones we did not seem to file intentionally, they just 'got filed, I have still many of these, they pop up with a life of their own, they have associations with words, images, emotions, the negative ones, because the ones I did not Intend to File are the Bad Memories, the Ones I wished I had not filed at All, yet I did not seem to have a choice, I have existed just as a Polaroid, snapping pictures at every Blinking of My Eyes, taking in everything as an Experience, transforming Life into Energy for my addiction, so I could feel Alive, I could always go back to my memory database and prove to myself that YES, I did live, look at my memory database, I existed, experienced, smelt, touched, tasted, felt a feeling or an emotion and then filed the package, I called it Experience, I called this being Alive.

Is this LIFE ?

And are we Really in charge of our Memories or actually since the filing has never taken place intentionally, no matter what we like to believe, is the process of Memory Filing something we have any control over, are we the Memories Keepers or are The Memories the Keepers of Us ?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I could pick and choose which memories I would keep when I could see this was not true, because I have used memories to define Who I Am, and I wanted to believe I was in charge of my 'Who I am' Memory based experience

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am my past and that the past as memories created who I am, abdicating my responsibility to define Who I am through a Self Directive decision that is aligned to What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treasure the memories that made me feel good about myself not willing to let them go in fear that if I could not look back into me as memories as a way to feel good, I would just be feeling bad all the time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to file good memories as a way to make sense of this shitty existence instead of realizing that it was because I feared this shitty existence of myself as myself that I had a need to file good memories to dig through when I would hit a bad patch

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear feeling bad and the negative polarity of the good feelings as bad/negative emotions because I believed I was not in control of what I accepted and allowed within me as thoughts and the emotions and feelings that derived from it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value memories more than Breath, because I did not see that Life was Here in every moment of Breath and one of the things that separated me from Life was my Memory Database that I treasured above Life Here in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the negative memories that popped up uncalled showing me that I was in no way in control of my memory database no matter what I liked to believe and for not investigating what were memories and how this filing came about while I was busy finding reasons and purposes that made living worthwhile

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that a life experience is real just because I have memories to prove that I have in fact lived, failing to see that Life cannot be a string of hands down from the Past and that I was always living in the Past, either the one I was happy to have filed as 'good past memories' or the one I was NOT happy to have filed as in 'bad past memories'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Life is an experience that is proved by the filing of memories that can be retrieved at will to prove the experiences as Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept to hold on to the bad memories in fear I will have to let go the good ones as well and I will be left with nothing because I have defined Life as Memories and not Life as being Here in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate my Past as the source of the memories that I did not intend to file, instead of seeing that I hate my Past because I blame it for who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to become and within this blame I gave up my self directive principle to decide that I am Not My Past and the Pictures that I have filed as a consequence of living in and as separation from Breath Here in every moment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I would never be able to erase the memories that I never intended to file because I did not have the tools of self honesty and self forgiveness, instead I see now that I can let this fear go because when I see a memory pop up I can look at it, investigate it, see how and why I filed and self correct the moment of separation of that particular relationship to realign it to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my past and for believing that my past is who I am and that my past can define me without my acceptance and allowance to be defined by my past

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and speak and believe that people don't change because I could not see myself changing no matter what I did, believing that once we had a past the past was ruling who we are, instead of seeing the past can only rule us if we accept it and allow it, having given to the Past power over and above Self, failing to see that the Past is energy based and not Life and that Life Here in the Physical in every moment of Breath doesn't rely on the Past as Experience of Relationships and that the past can be corrected to be realigned to Life as What is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my Past is too vast to be taken on, instead of seeing I have always played out the same few patterns, which is the point of having lived in and as The Past, and that I am applying Self Forgiveness to severe my Energy connections to the Past so I can rewrite myself in and as What is Best for All, stopping my existence in and as The Past of Memories and Experiences that keep repeating over and over ad nausea

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live my Past over and over again and for believing that it was Life as it was supposed to be, because everyone around me embraced the belief that 'it is our Past that shaped us and made us who we are' as if it was something to treasure after all, so I could justify why I would not let go even the shitty Past because my Past was Who I am, failing to see that within a Past of Self Abuse and Abuse there is nothing to treasure and that my willingness to give it up for Life and What is best for All must be absolute, to receive my own Absolution from and as my Past

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my Past instead of seeing I lived my Past as a Mind Consciousness System, lost in and as The Mind, and that there cannot be Blame for who I have been but the decision to Stop who I have been in the realization that who I have been was not One and Equal to Life but One and Equal to Energy and the energetic experiences I held on to feel 'alive', missing out on Life Here in and as the Physical in every moment of Breath

I commit myself to Stop my existence in and as Memories, looking for the memories that come up in self honesty and what they are related to, so I can release them through Self Forgiveness and Self corrective application and start living Life, that is not Energy, but Here in the simplicity of every moment of Breath, One and Equal to everything that exists.

Day 20: A Future of Fear

When I looked for a picture to represent what I am going through I found this one with the caption 'Why people love being scared' ? Which is for sure a pertinent question with what has been going on inside of me.

I can see a few points all interlinked

• I fear knowing my future or my responsibilities, the ones I seemed to have agreed to and I don't know about

• I am having troubles with the posts "Heaven's Creation" and the interviews about the Money System (Soul of Money) as when I read them I want to skip along and I can't read them out loud because I feel I'm just as delusional as when I believed in LOA, how can I take responsibility for what I cannot remember I have done or for what I cannot see linked to me yet ?

• moved into paranoia when listened to Joao interview from which I immediately took out what could burden me and used it to burden myself

Then I spoke to my Buddy and the issue started to become clearer

• when I went to check on Veno's Resonance articles regarding a pain I have had in my back recently, I finally saw it clearly, I have huge resistance to dig into reality in all its aspects, I fear it and as well I find it horrific, I fear facing my own anger and resentment for what is going on, for where we find ourselves, for the others in the Group who don't have it, who seem to have accepted the horror movie we are living as Mind Consciousness System with flair, they seem to have said, Ah, OK, we have been put into an Enslavement Design, that's fine, please supply the map to get out. What about having been into this shit hole for eons to allow Heaven to go on undisturbed, what do we do with that, we sit and listen to Anu and feel grateful for the keys to get out, where is the rightful Anger and indignation ?

I fear digging into the rabbit hole in fear of facing my anger, which I have just realized is huge, I have suppressed it all, the shock, the anger, the wanting to scream and kick something, yet I see that this very participation is the root of my Anxiety, part of what is not allowing me to relax and just walk, it is the fear of facing the anger of me, the anger at me for finding myself into this situation, for having weaved a lethal web around myself and others just for the pleasure to participate in high and lows of a demented games of value, I feel Insignificant and I wonder how will I get out of all of this, of this feeling of not even existing.

Yet I see I have taken process into my dreams, I do self Forgiveness in my dreams so I know I am in no way walking away from process, but I am angry, at me as process, because if I did not fuck up I wouldn't be in process at all, I would be Self Expressing and not playing Sherlock Holmes into my Life of which a lot of memories are blurred and I fear I can't find the way out of this maze.

I reread my writings and I can see, I'm fucking with myself, in my fear of not facing my anger I am preventing myself from expanding, from having more capacity as I keep myself pre-occupied and in-capacitated with the Past and the Future and I'm not Here, in the only place where my power to change myself and the world to what is best for All is Real as only Here I exist, out of the Mind, in my walk in and as Life, giving as I would like to receive Life to Myself and All existence, One and Equal.

So I start with for-giving Anu, and the other races involved in this and the silly Atlanteans who believed they had to be led by something in separation of themselves/ourselves, and I see that this is what created this mess, the separation and the lack of self direction, so I stop participating in my mind regarding the Past that is not real, and the Past of our creation which is Here to be forgiven so I can move consistently and stop the Anger that I feel for me, for my idiotic desire to have someone else stand up for me, so I can stand up for me and walk, I stop my participation in re-sent-ment, this word yesterday flashed in my head in Italian Ri-Sentimento, meas to feel again and then I saw this point of fuck up, in which I hold myself feeling the same stuff over and over again, which means I must be having the same thoughts swirling and twirling in my head to produce the same Ri-Sentimento and I stop, I see that what I feel for others is my creation, I have been jealous of the other Destonians who have dealt with this point more effectively than me, hence I did not want to look at it and say it, write it, for me to see, where I am stuck in a loop of festering emotions that I use to not allow myself to break free, and I stop, because breaking free from my own limitation is what I have committed to, for myself and All of Existence for and as What is Best for All, Equal and One.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my Anger and Shock for our Creation and for directing it outside of myself as a way of not having to face it in Self Responsibility and see that if All is Equal and One and I am the Created, I am the Creation and the Creator as well and it is only due to my existence of separation that I fail to see clearly the points explained and walked in the Blogs of Heaven's Journey to Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear my Future as a way to keep myself enter-tained in and as the Mind because I fear my Past and I don't want to look at it in self Honesty so I can equalize myself to it and let it go through Self Forgiveness and Self Correction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I'm unable to see the points explained in heaven's Blogs because they are unrelated to me instead of seeing I fear to face my past in fear of the common sense I may see as the outflowing consequences I have to walk ahead of me to break free

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use Fear as a way to keep myself from walking through a point because fear prevents me to see what is laying underneath that needs to be addressed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own Fear which is just the Fear of looking at myself and what I have reduced myself to playing this game of winner and losers hoping to win without realizing that unless we walk in Oneness and Equality we are all losers

I forgive myself for accepting myself to desire to win in fear of losing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take something out of context with the purpose of finding an ammunition to shoot myself with, instead of applying myself in breath while I approach interviews and vlogs so I don't have to drag myself through them in my Mind generated Fears

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I boarded a train to Life and I am hanging from the back of this train running in Full Speed without giving myself credit for having in fact made the decision to board this train as me and not as something that 'happened to me'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear I will walk away from this process because I do not allow myself to trust myself that this is a decision I have in fact made and I'm not turning back

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear knowing my responsibility as Life to Life in fear I won't be able to stand in and as it and I will fuck up process for everybody else

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to know what my responsibility is as a point of specialness that me as Ego can use to boost myself into finding 'purpose to my existence'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the losing of my ability to move myself in and as emotions and feelings because this is what I have been all of my life and now that I have to self direct myself  I feel lost and sometimes not up to the task

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel jealous of other Destonians who have not manifested this point but only the Joy of process because I allow myself to feel inadequate just because I was not wiling to look at the point of Blame of my emotions onto Creation, which is still onto myself, so I could release it and move with more ease

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing Jealousy about process inside of me due to my own accepted and allowed judgements of how others are walking their process when in fact I know fuck all about how things really are for each one of us and what each one of us is walking to the same shared common goal of Life One and Equal for everyone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself to be able to stand because I accept and allow myself to live in and as the past of my fuck ups, instead of seeing that each breath I take is an opportunity to start new and it's in THIS very breath that I make new statements and commitments about who I AM and then walk that point into Life as Life as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make this process unnecessarily difficult for myself when I could have just kept walking and not allow myself to get distracted by my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my insignificance and losing myself while I see I can lose only what was never real and I am as insignificant as I allow myself to be within my mind, while when I bring myself back Here in Breath I am not in the Mind and expanding myself and my capacity with each Breath I take that is not Energy based but Life based

When and as I see myself tormenting myself or about to torment myself about my 'process performance, I stop, breathe, remind myself that there is no schedule to meet or performance table and that I just need to keep walking, One point at the Time, with no Blame for myself or others, with no Re-sentment for Myself or others, with no Anger for Myself or others, because we must have all participated or we would not be here and as I got myself here now I can get myself out of the here and now of the Mind, into the Here of Life, where Life has always been stable and One, waiting for everyone to come Home.

When and as I see myself looking for points of comparison to see how I am doing, I stop, remind myself of Marduk's interview about Process and walk mine, with no comparison or fear, One and Equal to the process of everyone, yet walking my own road back through my own fuck ups that cannot be measured or compared but just walked backward until all that remain is Here, as Life One and Equal

I commit myself to stop pretending to be afraid as I know Fear is not real and that I am using it for self manipulation, instead I keep walking, for myself, for existence, until All is Free, One and Equal and Life can be born in and as the Physical.