Sunday, May 19, 2013

Day 313: MEAN-ing-FULL Relationships

OK, so facing this repetitive pattern specifically with men.
In the past when I had a relationship, began one or was about to, I would always look for signs about 'how a man made me feel' to evaluate if the relationship had potential.
In this I would accumulate proof generally to show myself that the man in question was not good enough because he did not do enough to make me feel good, would not call, send messages, say the right thing, give me the right importance.

I have seen myself walk into this pattern again and feeling resentment toward myself for not being able to stop but instead justifying why it was 'the right move' to check out all of the desired variables a man was meeting or not in my mental scale of disturbed values.

I say disturbed because I have noticed how I am able to delete perfectly good moments of sincere sharing and physical intimacy based on missed expectations and on that point alone how I start to build a whole case against someone, bringing in all of the reasons why it is ME not interested and not them and this accumulates in so much backchat that at the next change to talk or share a moment I am too resentful and spiteful to be in the moment to instead live the moment for what it is and not what 'it should be' according to my Mind.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for participating in this pattern even when I realized I was acting out a preprogrammed well known script that has never led to anything more than grief for all participants instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can choose to not participate when I see clearly what is going on because it is up to me to decide who I am in each moment of breath

When and as I see myself triggered into this pattern of wanting to accumulate evidence against someone to prove that they are not doing what they would be doing if they really cared, I stop, breathe, remind myself that it is me that must really care to stop my existence as self destructive and destructive patterns and breathe myself back here in and as the physical

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear the loss of any relationship I meet that I enjoy instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that when I participate in this fear of loss I will feel justified to start to build a case against someone so that I am the one not interested and as such hoping to be able to stop my 'fear of losing' because I am the one deciding I don't want the relationship and not the other part

When and as I see myself starting to fear losing something/someone I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that that what I really fear is the feel good moment I have participated in because I am aware that if I participate in 'feel good moments' I will have to face the 'feel bad moments' instead of bringing myself back here in and as breath and the moment I live which doesn't need to be energetically defined but just a moment like any other in which I participate in and as myself as breath

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my participation in this specific pattern of wanting to accumulate evidence of 'wrongdoings' based on unexpressed expectations that someone should mindread and comply to is insane and that I did not like this pattern when it was done onto me by my mother and my grandmother/grandfather as I was growing up where I ended up fearing every single word I said because I was never sure I could see all the dimension of a word and of a moment and how others could use it against me and as such, having been the recipient of such behavior I stand clear about not wanting to keep perpetrating this on others by looking at their words, actions or non actions on which I can superimpose meanings that are just my MEANings and then blame them for what I have interpreted vs what they really did or not do as I now see, realize and understand that I am just replaying a behavior I never wanted to question because I feared questioning the sanity of my actions and mental processes in fear that I would have to admit that I did turn out just like my mother, even though this was the last thing I wanted to do

When and as I see myself starting to accumulate imaginary evidence of others' wrongdoings, according to what I have accepted and allowed myself to define as 'wrong/uncaring' I stop, breathe, remind myself that I have seen, realized and understood that this behavior is based on self created definition of me as the mind and not what is best for me within what is best for all and I stop participating in and as my mind, forgive myself and move on

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when an expectation I have created in my mind goes unattended, to accept and allow myself to become spiteful and think how can I get back to the other person so they too may feel let down as much as I do and within this for finding always new and creative ways to try and disguise the fact that this is what I am really doing when I think 'I won't call now until...' or 'I won't send a good night message' 'I won't call him/her anymore', so they will pick up how utterly disappointed I am at them, just like my mother used to do to me, instead I stop planning and plotting my imaginary 'lighthearted' revenges as I see, realize and understand this is all my own doing, I am the one who has built up the expectations and then I am the one who has believed in the perception of being let down and then I am the one who is designing the 'proper revenge' when there is just the need to dismantle my first starting point, the expectations, so there is nothing to imagine to be let down about and I won't drive myself through the whole pattern as a copycat of what I went through as I grew up

When and as I see myself wanting to take an action or a non action based on a desired retaliation for what I perceive someone else has done/not done to me, I stop, breathe, do not accept myself to participate in this pattern of revenge and retaliation no matter what excuse I see myself come up with to justify why it is not revenge or retaliation but just ............ and bring myself back here through breathing until I am no longer possessed by thoughts, feelings and emotions before I take any action including a non action.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire specific relationships that have to manifest in a specific way according to my own specified good or bad signs/omens as I see realize and understand that I was never specific as I believed myself to be, but just brainwashed into believing that 'those' were signs of things that were funtioning properly that I piled up from movies, books, dramas and have nothing to do with reality and real relationships in the physical of which I still know nothing about and that I have to give myself a chance to live and learn to self express beyond the limitations of my own accumulated knowledge and information

When and as I see myself looking for signs in a relationship that things are working out according to my preprogrammed list of 'good signs', I stop, breathe, remind myself that I have never had a successful relationship no matter how many good signs/omens I have found to follow and as such 'good signs' cannot be what I base my decisions for a relationship on and I will have to explore instead what is really supportive in a relationship with another human being and that can only happen if I do not allow myself to limit myself by 'signs/omens' but investigate by digging into the reasons, the motives, my starting point for everything I do beyond my comfort zone, until I clear myself enough to be able to assess what and if a relationship can bring to the table that can benefit me and all the party involved and be willing to let go if the points of support for both are not yet in place, until I design myself as a point of support and a point of self support that can stand equally stable alone or within a relationship.

I commit myself to unravel what I have created and defined as 'good relationships' so I can stop existing as a clone to what others walked before me and defined and then I took on as 'the truth' as I see realize and understand this is only my self defined, accepted and allowed truth with no foundation in the physical reality and I can let go what doesn't serve what is best for me within what is best for all to stop existing as a pattern of limiting beliefs, ideas and definitions that I then have to live out instead of learning how to self express Here stable in every moment of breath.

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