I have spent 5 days on and off with my ex, tension started only on day 4 when we comfortably slipped into old behavioral patterns of irritation and recrimination.
When he said 'it's so unpleasant talking to you' I brushed it off, but later when I shared this point with my buddy as I walked backwards those 5 days to see how I accumulated frustration that then blew up in a modest quarrel that I dragged over into the relationship with my mother, that point made me cry and then it made me sob uncontrollably.
Partly because it was like someone said 'I had not changed' but mostly because I believed it and felt the despair of how will I even walk out of that particular relationship. And it's just One point of the many to correct.
Then my buddy said 'understand you are walking consequences, breathe, bring yourself back here and if you need to cry, if the tears are there, do'. But they were not, they were exhausted at the first sobbing and thanks to one of the last interviews I listened to by Anu -which was specifically about Consequences and how to face them, I was not as scared about walking through them as I used to be.
I was still not clear about how I created those consequences as I still held a belief of consequences being like Karma, like a punishment, vs being just the consequential sequence of event that I set in motion through my participation in and as the mind.
So when my buddy said 'it is the result of yours and your ex's backchats about each other that has piled up over time into an energetic entity that now can take you over and throw you around, the penny finally dropped. Aaahhh, but of course, I had truckloads of backchats about my ex, that was when consequence became clear, I was riding the energetic pattern that I had woven for myself, one thought at the time, one suppressed emotion at the time, that was why at one point I found myself in familiar unpleasant ground, the energetic entity came up and I did not make the self directive decision to not participate, instead I wore the costume of the frustrated wife/ex wife Character offered and walked the well known path of 'who I had been/believed to be" within this specific relationship.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as soon as I realized I was living out a familiar pattern, instead of breathing and bringing myself back here and not allow myself to participate, move into thinking 'I have not changed' as the reason why I could not do anything different but ride the energetic experience of frustration and irritation because I gave in to the belief that I was not in control
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I felt frustrated and irritated, instead of realizing I was riding the consequences of what I had already built in the past through backchat and my participation in and as the mind, move into further backchat, creating additional consequences that I have laid out for myself to live in the future
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to live out everything and anything that comes up as consequence as a sort of punishment for what I have participated in, instead of just stopping my participation wherever I find myself along my self pre-designed, pre-woven path through breathing and stabilizing myself in and as the physical
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when the topic of some relationships being the ultimate test of self forgiveness to keep for later in my process came up in my private chat with B&S, to flash the memory of Anu speaking about how we were engineered to mate with people with whom we would have the maximum friction for energy creation and within that thought/memory to feel enraged at the idea that I have been a puppet designed to be used and triggered on and off to just serve a system I can't remember I have participated in creating
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to move into self victimization about what happened to me instead of seeing, realizing and understanding I was waking the consequences of what I myself created through my own participation in and as the Mind which I am more than capable to face and transcend
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel enraged and saddened about this Creation and how far we took the abuse of each other, projecting my rage onto the Creators of such a cruel and sadistic system when in fact I was enraged with myself for having participated all the way up to here which is another point I have used to give up my power to stand up as I accept the idea and belief that something was done onto me vs me being the Creator of my life experience and everything that I experience within and as myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my ex was here, sabotage myself by comparing myself and how I was treated in my relationship with how I perceived he treated his new partner and feeling belittled by the fact he seems to be doing better with her than he did with me - which is just an interpretation of my mind for the purpose of self diminishment by using a perception of being the victim of an injustice as I deliberately picked and mixed the good bits of what I saw and heard, discarding all the other parts such as outspoken backchats, judgements and the same stuff that was going on with me that I overlooked on purpose because acknowledging reality was not functional to my desire to be the victim of the situation nor having been a special part of his life, but just the same as his new partner and I rather be special and stand out in the experience of condescension than seeing myself as equal in dysfunctional treatment
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make up an idea about what process is and the kind of person that should result out of such a process, such as a 'holier than thou' personality, all accepting, all embracing, when in fact this idea clashes with this physical reality and what I will have to do to take on every single abuse and abusive stance both from myself and others which may mean I might not be nice at times as in 'system acceptable' and I must be Ok with this and I will be OK with this only if I don't make up ideas, beliefs and opinions about what some kind of character/personality resulting from process should be like, as that would end up standing in the way of who I must be in each and every moment of breath as self expression with only one purpose which is to realign myself to oneness and equality and what is best for all
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and hurt when my ex said 'it is so unpleasant talking to you' because I felt I should have been the one saying that and didn't and as I gave up a chance to hurt him when I had the right to, because he is REALLY unpleasant to talk to, instead of seeing and realizing I was taking our habitual pattern play out personally - believing that what he said was true just because I could use this point to engage my backchat about him being a real asshole and myself being right in an attempt to not feel diminished while I failed to see that I could have just noticed what he said, not take it personally and see that we were moving into the usual pattern of trying to score over one another and not participate, not in defeat as I did, but as a choice I exercised as self directive principle of myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when he left -even though I saw I should not have called my mother because I was in a reactive state, to call anyway, sure that she would provide a reason for me to be 'rightly' upset, which she did, and for then making her the source of my irritation as I wanted to dismiss and brush off what happened with my ex in fear that I would tell myself 'I have not changed' just because I had a slip and within this for judging myself as bad and ineffective, attempting to invalidate everything I have done so far so I would have an excuse to why I can't change since I proved that I did not change instead of acknowledging I have changed and had a slip and it's enough to stand up from here, self correct and keep walking
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe the feedback of someone who told me I should see my ex to test my application, when in fact I did not want to see my ex but this feedback matched my belief of the kind of person I should build myself to be, all loving, all accepting, all embracing which is just another character, the 'post process Character' which is but another limitation and definition of myself as I should be/become, that stands in the way of me being here and self expressing in self trust in every moment of breath
When and as I See myself moving or about to move into self judgement about where I am in my process of self correction, I stop, breathe, do not accept myself to cast sentences on me as the ties that I will have to work through as ConSequences of what I accept and allow myself to define myself as
When and as I See myself moving or about to move into despair because I want to give in to the belief that I have not changed and hence I should give up, I stop, breathe, do not allow myself to give into despair as that is just an attempt of me as the mind to make me believe I can't change and I have to give up and I do not accept or allow me as the mind to dictate who I am and what I can or can't do
When and as I see myself facing the consequences of what I have created through my participation in back chats, thoughts, emotions and feeling, I stop, breathe, remind myself I am just walking through consequences and that I can remain stable as it is not the consequences of what I live that determine/define who I am but I am the one that decides and I decide I can walk through consequence and use the consequences as an opportunity to self correct in and as the stability of breath
I commit myself to no longer fear facing the consequences of what I have created, to accept where I am unconditionally and commit myself to walk through everything that I created in misalignment as Ego and self interest to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and what is Best for All, for myself and all of existence Equal and One.