Yesterday I saw myself do something nasty.
The point developed this way:
I had a conversation that I had anticipated with someone which did not turn out the way I hoped/expected where I would be the centre of his attention and concern, hence I perceived a diminishment of myself for which I did not want to take responsibility, then I used this point of diminishment to try and diminish him on something he believes in, justifying the point by insisting with myself that he is wrong to believe that particular thing and so I am on a good mission to help wake him up, when in fact I was just passing on the negativity I experienced to another instead of dealing with it ans sorting it out.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel diminished when I am not the centre of attention, the top priority, the most important thing in a relationship because I convinced myself that this is what relationships are about after accepting and allowing myself to imprint within me the relationship of my grandparents where they both pretended to be each others' top priority, just to keep up their own idea of what a great relationship should be about
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist as spite to an extent that I have created ways to justify why my spite is in fact good meaning no matter how clearly I see the point that is unfolding within me instead of addressing the point of spitefulness and stopping the pattern once and for all
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty and judge myself when I accepted that I had to look at why I behaved in such a way instead of seeing and realizing that both guilt and judging myself are my way of feeling better about myself because at least - I am feeling guilty and judging myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to resist facing the point even when I saw what originated my crusade against another because I did not want to admit that I was petty and spiteful and that I had allowed myself to be swept off by emotions and feelings as a consequence of having invested energy in anticipation, projections and expectation of an outcome that did not manifest as I wanted
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a cover up for my pettiness in which I can justify why I am upsetting another based on what I now know to be The Truth, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I am dealing with someone whose religious brainwashing has priority over his common sense and for not seeing realizing and understanding that such religious brainwashing is cult-ural and very hard to break through and that if I did not want to soon or later have to face this point, I should not have accepted and allowed myself to engage in a relationship based on hopes and expectations that I would be able to make it work - because I am working on myself - which is just another expectation, projection and hope that I have not substantiated yet enough to be able to support another as myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to begin a relationship without considering all points and if I was able to stand stable and to support another as myself in breaking through the Mind
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have more right than another to take an axe to a whole personality construct just because 'I don't like it and it doesn't make me feel comfortable' without seeing realizing and understanding that as I exist at the moment only as a complex ensamble of characters and personalities, so do others and that I need to consider my words when I have an exchange with another, because words are real and the consequences of my words I am not yet able to assess on a timeline in real physical time in all their dimensions and as such I should refrain from speaking or writing when it is clear that I do not have a starting point of wanting what is best for all but just what is best for me as an energetic outcome
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to compete with someone else's God for attention, just because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that in my relationships I must be the centre of my partner's life and that not even his God can come before me, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I have no good reasons for what I did such as 'open his eyes' or 'make him aware' and that those were just cover ups so I could vent my frustration for having had second place, third in fact because he had to go and do something with his brother before chatting with me
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that if I am competing for attention with something I believe it's not real, such as God, I must not be Real either or I must hold believes as delirious as those of the other person that I have not yet uncovered which is another point that I should have realized when I accepted and allowed myself to become uppity and righteous about my indisputable position as the bringer of truth
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that there is nothing benevolent in taking an axe to other people's belief systems within an energetic starting point, because they are systems and in fact systems that allow them to exist without which they would crumble and break and that it takes patience and an awareness I do not yet have -if not in my mind delusions- before being able to support another as myself and I am not there yet
When and as I see myself starting to accumulate energy as frustration for not having my way, the first place, being first, being on top of the list of priorities of another, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that I am engaging a system and do not allow myself to step into it because I know where this system goes and the consequences I will have to face if I do engage it
When and as I see myself building up expectations and hopes on the outcome of a meeting, a phone call, a chat with whoever, I stop, breathe, remind myself that reality is not comparable to fantasy and that building up any expectation, hope or projected outcome leads to a disappointment that I am likely to blame another for, instead do not allow myself to participate in imagination with relation to a future outcome and breathe myself back here until the desire to do so is overcome
When and as I see myself desiring to teach a lesson to another about their belief systems, I stop breathe, see realize and understand that I am just being spiteful no matter what cover up I attempt to choose to pretend I am in fact offering support, instead I see through it and do not allow myself to speak or write until I am sure that I am not reactive in any way shape or form
When and as I see myself beating up on myself for what I realize I have done, which I saw unfolding but did not take the time to stop and investigate because I had a cover up 'ready to go' to use as my excuse about why I was justified to act in such a way, I stop, breathe, do not allow myself to participate in guilt or shame as I see realize and understand that guilt and shame feed the mind, instead I breathe myself back here and write myself out to make sure I do not engage the same dynamics should the point arise again
When and as I see myself desire to procrastinate writing myself out because I believe I have it all sorted out in my mind, I stop, breathe, don't listen to the excuses about why it's not required for me to write myself out and specifically if my behaviour has involved, involves another that I may risk to impact again, instead I sit down walk through my excuses and write myself out in SF and SCA to make sure I do not repeat the same patterns again
I commit myself to stop my existence as this Character personality seeking for attention and for recognition from others by writing myself out until I can walk through this point in the physical as Self Correction, standing one and equal to my mind and my physical body, for myself and all of existence Equal and One
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