Day 97: The Arrogance Character taking full Shape

After surviving the wrath of my mother regarding school, I moved on to a boarding house, run by nuns again, 1 hour away from my city of Birth.

I went there because my mum would no longer allow me to stay at my grandparents, having worked out that I liked it and believing it was not good for me and our relationship.

As a last resort to NOT be sent to boarding school I asked to go and live with my father, my mum contacted him, he allowed me to go for a weekend and then told me he was not able to keep me, that it would have been inconvenient for him to host me now that I was 15 and he lived in a small village with no access to school. My conclusion was that he just didn't want me.

This was a point that marked a big change between me and my mum, by her own admission she started to hate me for having expressed the desire 'to leave her', on my side the anger grew as I saw myself rejected by my mother having decided to pack me off to boarding school and by my father, and my grandparents just kept silent and watch this great injustice done onto me.

As a result I gave up on the permission to go home once a week and staid within the boarding school instead, to spite my mother.

This was the time when she started to show some crazy behaviour, meaning while before there was a sort of logic I could follow whenever we were having an argument, which was often, after this episode things became blurred in her mind and she went on medication for 'mood disorders'. She saw me going to boarding house as well as a safer alternative as she could feel 'she was not well' and saw me out of the way as the best for everybody involved.

At the nuns place, the anger compounded with defiance, I wanted to show myself that I was more clever than they were with their strict rules, washing our hair twice a week vs the once a week they allowed, threw away our food to rush up after dinner to smoke in hiding, and walked around the corridors holding Bertrand Russel book 'Why I am not a Christian', me and Sophia were the ringleaders with no followers as everyone stepped in line with the prayers and all the shenanigans, yet we were piling up 'respect' for our Characters who were fearless -on the surface- defiant, and did not give a shit.

I started to wear only dark colors and held on to this Character of fearlessness for dear life, this is where I started to consolidate arrogance as well as I saw I was more able to portray an image of myself than others and I saw how my being special held others mesmerized and in a state of submission.

Of course as I grew up I became more devious about it all as I realized that arrogance was NOT socially praised, I moved my arrogance inside, into My Secret Mind, in which I was always better and more than others one way or another, fearing to be called out anytime for NOT being that special, pairing only with the 'special' ones like me, snubbing the ones I perceived as 'boring and not exciting' not blatantly but secretly, looking for excitement and fear-full situation in which I could experience the thrill of being alive, seeking experiences for myself at the cost of others, while walking a balancing act, making sure to never appear arrogant as that was NOT rewarded, but spiting them inside my mind when I saw something at which they were better than me, diminishing them, until there was no competition in my mind and I could stand as the Undisputed Unchallenged Alpha Female.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished as I was sent to a Catholic boarding school because I was told as a kid that only if I were bad I would be sent to boarding school and there I was, off to boarding school

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished as I held on to the belief that my mother 'did not want me around' and for feeling less than the girls whose mothers held them close to the family

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished and worthless when my father said NO to me staying with him and I felt such rejection that I felt ashamed of myself as a worthless piece of crap

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress all these emotions and hide them, turning these emotions and feelings of worthlessness into a festering wound that I perceived and believed I had, believing that I was damaged as only really unworthy kids are sent away from their families in Italy and I must be really unworthy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that only the unworthy kids are not allowed to have a family when in reality many kids have no family and it has nothing to do with their worth but just out of the circumstances of life and having accepted and allowed ourselves to participate in a world where no one is fully supported in any way, financially or mentally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as inferior and unworthy because I wanted to perceive my mother as not wanting me, while I was perfectly capable to see that she was not spiting me but sending me away to a place where she believed I would be less damaged by her own self hatred, that she believed she felt for me for having 'rejected ' her and could not contain

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I hated myself because I believed I was rejected by my family

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a 'Rebel Character' as a way to get even with all the injustices I perceived and wanted to believe I had gone through in my life as a way to justify my behaviour and why it was that I only wanted to think about myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the judgement of others and on this fear build a Character of Arrogance that displayed intellectual tastes, such as for books I did not care to read but carried around to show my superiority as the choice of books I made, which I used to define myself as I chose titles that were defined and considered 'Intellectual', meaning that were read by Intelligent people who were more than stupid people, as I feared to be considered and judged stupid for having walked away from scientific studies just because I could not match the 'image status' of the students that attended the expensive private school

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value on Intelligence and Intellect above myself as Life, making the Intelligent/ Intellectual people -in my eyes- more than the ones who were not Intelligent/Intellectual, hoping that by association I would be considered Intelligent/Intellectual and not Stupid

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as stupid for the choices I made out of fear in my life, as I was unable to stand the pressure of anything New and did not have the Patience to give myself a little time to adjust as I am a product of a Consumerist society, that teaches that if you fail once or on one topic YOU are a failure

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was/am a Failure, I am Not a Failure just because I have failed something in my Life and I no longer accept the ALL ROUND definition of myself as a Failure for what I have not done right, that I can stand and self correct by applying myself again and learning from the first miss-takes I made

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was right to feel superior to everyone because they were inferior as a FACT, while I was the one making up the facts, manipulating memories and reality to suit the idea I wished to have of myself as being better and more than others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame for not being wanted by my family according to my own manipulated perception that allowed me to be spiteful inside, by thinking that through my behavior I was just giving back what I got, which was rejection and diminishment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the judgement of others if they knew I went to boarding school which I translated as "Not having been wanted by my family", not having had anyone step up and say 'I'll take her' believing that I was unworthy and undesired and that I had to build up some Character to 'show them' what they missed out by not wanting me, which led me to build the Arrogant Character, wanting to believe I was more than what I believed and perceived my family had defined me as, unworthy to be kept and cared for, as I used these memories to weaponize myself against the world, establishing that if my family was my enemy so was all the world and that whatever I wanted I would have to get for myself because nobody cared for me but it was just because they failed to see how special I was 'inside'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be 'special' as a way to get the love that seemed to go to the 'special ones', that I allowed myself to believe I had not got from my family which meant I was NOT special and this justifid my existence as the 'Character that Desires to be Special'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, out of my perceived rejection and unworthiness to build a Character that 'knows better' than anyone, that is better than anyone, so I would never have to be challenged again by outside forces trying to make me feel inferior, as I failed to see that there was only me playing this demented game within my mind and that only I could make myself feel inferior, because noone can 'make me feel or experience ' anything as I am the one who decides how I experience myself either through standing up and directing myself or by being trashed around by my Memory and Characters, each one fighting for a space and the limelight while I disappear in the background, too fearful to stand up to this majestic war happening inside of me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the War that happens inside of me is too Majestic for me to stand up, STOP my participation in It and redirect myself to What is Best for All, failing to remind myself that at all times I am the One that Decides

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become Arrogant in a perceived self defense for which I myself created the need for, in fear of being attacked or 'made to feel something or experience something' and so I used arrogance within my Mind to make myself more, above, superior, so I could counter attack the imaginary strikes of others against me as a Character that I myself allowed myself to design and embody, believing this to be me, allowing Characters to become Me to use Me as living Flesh to sustain themselves, while I accepted myself to live the lies that I had to BeLieve to allow my Characters as me to have a 'Life' of their own, even though their existence is/was against Life and myself as Life and What is Best for All

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this story of my Life is me as who I really am, and that these experiences that I have filed and stored in support of my Characters are in fact Me and define Me, within a limited set of Characters that limit Me as Self Expression, Here, in every moment of Breath, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that Characters are not Real and I can either spend my Life in support of What is not real, or STOP and support myself as the physical to walk away from anything that is not aligned to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use memories of myself as experiences to define who I was and who I will be, in a consistent time loop of stupidity, failing to see that it is me that decides and that when I let go the memories that held the Characters in place I can set myself free and learn what Self expression as Me is, Here in every moment of Breath

I commit myself to stop my existence as a Character that is generated by and through memories of me failing as a reason for the existence of such Character in the first place, in this game of Hide and Seek that I am playing with myself, stopping using distractions and excuses to Not be Here, while I live in fear of What is Here, instead of seeing and realizing that there is One place to fear where fear exists and that is within My Mind as I play competing Characters that do not get along, that do not share the same Opinions and that end up driving me crazy, if I accept it and allow it, which I commit myself to NOT accept and allow anymore

I commit myself to become consistent in breathing, in bringing me back to earth, earthing myself every time I catch myself flying off after a thought, no matter how clever the though or how interesting the path laid out in front of me might seem, as I see realize and understand, that I have never been led anywhere that was worth the trip and that when I am following a thought I am in Character already, and I want to Stop this Character Play and I am the One that decides, so remind myself that I do have a choice and that I have already made my choice as The Decision to stand for Life

I commit myself to be patient, to not get upset or judgemental when I catch myself following a thought, as I see that I have layered my life as Characters that now have their own thoughts within me as me, and that it will take some time to repossess my dispossessed body as the physical and stop this take over, but that I can do it, step by step, breath by breath, until I stand Clear of the Monstrosity I myself have created within and as me as the Mind Consciousness System that is now fighting for its own survival vs its End as the Emergence of Life on Earth, One and Equal for everyone

I commit myself to forgive myself for my participation in and as the Mind Consciousness System absolutely, as I see realize and understand that only absolute self forgiveness will give myself and this World the Absolute Absolution for what we have done as Crimes against Life, and I want this Absolution for myself and I give it to myself absolutely so that All of existence may receive it too Equal and One.

Day 60: Rings to Tie and Bind

When I got married I was the one getting the rings, my husband to be was already relocated in Singapore, he sent me the finger measure with a piece of iron wire, we chose them half white gold and half yellow gold and had each other's name inscribed inside.

When he arrived in Milan he tried the ring on and it was a perfect fit.

As a culture (Italian) we place much importance on the wedding rings, I always wore mine until I divorced and in the later years when I had become more lax about it, my husband took it out a few days after the wedding and told me it was just tight and uncomfortable, I felt hurt about that, because I believed it meant he did not love me and did not care for me.

Many of the things I used to believe today seem ridiculous to me, yet I believed them, I put value on two metal rings to define my relationship with my husband.

Women are brainwashed into believing that wedding rings are a sign of Love/value that a man puts in the relationship, yet when I look back, the love of my husband that was less spoken and less advertised than mine was more substantial than mine, while I used these rings to impose dos and donts according to the ringed/slave life we both had subscribed to, because rings are just for that, to define a property , an ownership, this is why slaves had rings on their noses, like bulls, so they could be pulled around and moved where they were supposed to be.

One interesting thing is that in my language the 'ring' finger is called ANUlare, couldn't make it clearer than that, wear your ring slave, now you are Mine.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put value into 'wedding rings'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the wedding ring as a way to communicate my subordinate position in my marriage by wearing it, a sign that 'everything was fine' or to take it off to send the signal that things were rocky instead of communicating what was going on with me in fear that what was going on with me was in fact not acceptable and bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hurt when my husband told me that he no longer wanted to wear the wedding ring and stopped wearing it because I felt he no longer wanted to be with me and that he did not want me because I already carried that fear and then I put value in rings to define my relationship to another being to state that he wanted me or not

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that my husband did not want me and to connect this fear to the wedding ring he did not wear because it was uncomfortable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel more secure when we were both wearing our rings because it meant he was Mine and I was His and within this agreement everything was fine

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire that my husband wore his ring to show that he did want to be with me and that he was Mine so I could feel safer and not fear that he was having backchats about leaving me or regrets about having married me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by a wedding ring as 'belonging to someone' as something that satisfied my desire to belong, because I believed I was not enough to myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear talking about the wedding ring to my husband because I feared he would mock me and that he would see in my desire for him to wear the wedding ring that I was in fact frail and insecure and he would not like me because he married a confident and self assured woman that was no longer around after I left my job and my country to go to Singapore

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to own another human being as a way to not have to face my insecurities and my perceived worthlessness, because if I could own somebody I was not worthless and I could feel safe

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not feel safe  with myself alone and for needing someone else around in my life to feel safe

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hurt every time he made jokes about the 'fucking wedding ring' because I associated myself and self value to the wedding ring and his desire to wear it and to feel diminished by his jokes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished by his jokes about wedding, marriage and the wedding ring and for taking them personally reducing myself to feeling worthless and not wanted, instead of realizing I felt worthless and not wanted in separation from myself as in me not wanting myself and not being the Self Worth as Life Here in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate men who don't want to wear wedding rings to cheaters while I was the one that ended up cheating twice, even wearing my wedding ring, proving that beliefs and traditions don't make Who We Are

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty about cheating, because I knew he was not cheating on me but I justified my cheating with his carelessness that was not real but just made up by myself having built up images and expectation of the perfect couple, continuously comparing us to them, to the movies to fairy tales and when we came out short in perfection I blamed it on him because I was doing all the right things, like wearing my wedding ring, while he was always away to work to support us and our household

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek my own value into my husband feedback and for feeling diminished when his feedback was not good and then desiring to cheat to prove to him that other men would have in fact wanted me and treasured me, even though the value problem was always mine and he just got blamed for what I was not willing to face and take responsibility for

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad now that I write about this, because the first time I cheated I went home and told him  and told him I wanted to leave with this other man and I was hurt because he did not call me a whore like men of my culture do, but he told me 'that he was sorry to see me suffering' and hoped that I would make up my mind so I would no longer suffer like I was

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not feel loved because he did not call me a whore and slapped me around to show me his passion, instead of seeing that love is not calling a woman a whore and slapping her around to show passion  and that is just insecurity and frustration, yet in him not aligning with what I understood as normal, I was unable to see that love doesn't bind and hurt, doesn't own the life of others but stands and gives what it would like to receive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel soooo bad about what I did when I discovered the other man couldn't even remember me after 2 weeks, and my husband came home from a business trip got into bed and told me 'thank you for coming back to me', that I lived in guilt and shame for the rest of my marriage, even though he never brought it up once but the diminishment of myself had been so big that instead of appreciating this man I went on to find faults with him, so I could lever the field and not feel like such a shit, because I was not even sure that I staid for him or because I had nowhere else to go

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to gossip behind my husband back, looking to build an entourage of people that saw me as right, because I felt so wrong that instead of stopping and starting to make things right,  started to make him wrong, because I lacked the tools to self correct and anything I tried from Meditation to positive affirmation never changed me or who I had accepted and allowed myself to become but just compounded my self judgements and shame and guilt that I projected on him as blame trying to take him down from the pedestal where I myself put him in comparison to me and my vile ego and self interested living

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to intentionally harm another because I was damaged through my own damaging within my extensive participation in thoughts emotions and feelings and because I had not yet found ways to stop and correct myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to share my own hell with others dragging them by their hair onto my emotional rollercoasters and accusing them to being emotionally retarded, while the only one that was emotionally retarded was me, having engaged most of my life into emotional turmoil, believing that that was what life was because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that conflict was what life is about and that noone can escape friction and so if friction must be, let me be the winner of the friction competition

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as conflict and as friction, always trying to up my opponent so I would win the Energy/value competition, no matter who I would have to take down in the process to establish myself as the winner, proving that I have lived a life of competition and spitefulness, while blaming others for being spiteful and evil not wanting to own up to my own spitefulness and the evil I existed in and as

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compete with my husband for who was better and worse and that when I accepted he was better than me I moved into competing to be worse so I could win at something and not feel diminished by my relationship with him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my husband for how I felt about myself, projecting on him my own self hatred and lack of acceptance instead of realizing it was my response-ability to stop existing as self hatred and lack of acceptance by starting to accept myself unconditionally and loving myself unconditionally so I would stop my existence as a beggar of reasons to 'feel good about myself'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to feel good about myself, instead of seeing it was this desire that kept the feeling bad about myself alive and kicking, while I kept myself separated from me as Life Here in Breath as Self Worth One and Equal with everything that exists

I commit myself to stop looking for reasons to love myself for, as I see and realize that self love is not about what I do or how I do it, it's a decision to love myself no matter what, to accept myself no matter what so I can in self honesty build Self trust and no longer lean on others or desire to lean on others to be validated as a worthy human being, as Life Here in Breath exists as Self Worth and I am the one who has gone away in separation through Self Judgements while Life was Here stable in the physical, judgement free in every moment of Breath One and Equal to What is Best for All and everything that exists.

I commit myself to investigate in depth how I have built myself into such separation and to stop my survival in and as separation in and as the Mind to stand as Life Here in Breath, One and Equal to existence and All There IS.

Day 52: The Price of Inequality

I have been walking this point of Gender Inequality for some time now because I see it has been one of my favourite friction points that I have used to make myself feel more than men, while all the while fearing to be less, less in everything, included worth, just by birth.

For a couple of days I have been seeing a realization coming up about my beliefs of being a seductress and thus having All The Blame, in what went on between me and men, basically NOT giving them Equal Responsibility for our Relationships.

Funny because while I felt bad about it, I also felt MORE than them, first because I had the power to create such mess All By Myself and then because I was willing to take All The Blame.

What I missed about all this anger that I have carried for so many years against men about Them Always Having It Easy from Cradle to Grave and how we had to fight for Equality, was that this fight was only going on within and as myself, having accepted and allowed the beliefs of my culture about women vs men to become me, imprinting myself with the knowledge of our inferiority in everything from strength to wages (which was the biggest pisser), just to then turn into a Feminist in Garters, to show them who was Boss, through the Game of Sex and Seduction, ironic how I believed I was in charge of THAT at least !

 

The price of this was, that since I had become unwilling to give Men Equality within relationships in my balancing act attempting to not be squashed by the gender stereotype, where I had to be Boss, I ended up not even giving them the Equal responsibility of our mess ups.

You can't have your cake and eat it, want to be Boss ? Then it's all Your Responsibility, or you can become an Equal, and share the power and the responsibility.

It is the same in our world, we either stop to be more than others to become Equals or we have to pay the Price of our Choice, carry it all, the Blame and the Responsibility, instead of standing as Life One and Equal, sharing the World and our responsibility to ourselves and What is best for All.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame men for our gender inequalities, instead of seeing we are both born out of a system that designed us to play specific gender roles and no one is faulty or blamable but both responsible for standing in and as the Change to equalize ourselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear men and their power that I have believed to be greater than the power of women, instead of seeing I am always responsible for the dis-placement of my power outside of myself in separation from myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take pride in having fucked men around, because I saw this pride trait in men and I associated it with the greater power I believed they had over women, and  copycatted them to be like them, greater than them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to make men suffer for the faults of all men in the history of mankind and what they did against women, Instead of seeing the point of self responsibility and how since the beginning of time we have given it our power away within and as the 'idea and belief of the Stronger Man'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for all my gender play outs, instead of seeing I have been acting out my predesigned life and the stance I took within the role and design I accepted and allowed myself to play

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame men for the role they played within the world system, instead of seeing both genders as the twisted design born out of separation into inequalities and fears

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use men as my main point of friction, in which I would get a feeling of a high in and when I could 'beat them' within words to make myself feel more while I participated endlessly within the inferiority and superiority construct

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that I could never get what I was not willing to give and that not giving men Equal responsibility for our mutual fuck ups was my desire to not recognize their Equality to me and therefore I have never got to experience Equality within my relationship with Men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Blame men for the Inequality I believed existed due to their having been born in a situation/position of privilege, instead of realizing that it was the Equality that I was not willing to share within our responsibility for the way our Relationships turned out that led me to experience Inequality at every level of every relationship with men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my issues of Inequality outside on the easy target of gender, instead of seeing I was living Inequality as me, within me and that I would never be able to experience what I was not giving to myself first as Self as One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT see that I could NEVER get what I was not willing to give and for NOT giving what I desired to have to myself and to everyone Equally

I commit myself to walk the giving of everything I perceive I lack to myself first and foremost, to bring myself into Equality and Oneness with myself as Self as One and Equal, Stopping all the Blame for what I am not experiencing on the outside, because anything that I am not yet living or experiencing is because I have not yet given it to myself, as One as Equal, As Life and everything that exists.