Day 231: The Sex Market - Trading in Love & Money

The Birth of Venus by Sandro Botticelli (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My mum sent me a joke to which I reacted, it went like this

Berlusconi's daughter asks her father 'Dad, what is Love?' and he replies 

'Love is when a man takes you to Venice, on a gondola, then takes you for a 5 star dinner, then to a 5 star hotel, buys you nice, expensive things, an apartment, a luxury car and looks after you financially' 

'But Dad, what about feelings and emotions?' 

'Oh Dear, that's Bullshit made up by Communists so they can fuck for free'

She then added, 'I have been a Communist all my Life !'

There are a few reasons why I reacted, one for sure is the ditching of 'feelings and emotions' since like my mother I have been 'mainly' a Communist and have given out sex for 'free' - but just in the sense not for a declared monetary value, the second because I traded sex for 'Love' which is not what 'the Communist do' but what the ones with No Money do to have sex.

We have a Global Sex market going on that we want to cover up with other names, Marriage, engagement, relationships and then, the cherry on the cake: 'Love'.

My student gave me a book to read to try and turn my Mind about 'Love' and my -obviously still attempts- to walk away from it, the book is called 'Love is a God', by Eva Cantarella, I have just read about 40 pages and the same discomfort of my mother's joke came up.

Really, who are we kidding?

This book is about Greek Mythology and summarizes all the 'Loves' that took place among the Gods, mainly Zeus so far who seemed to have a sex appetite second to none and would fuck anything he liked and then coveted either through subterfuge, kidnapping, shape shifting or whatever else he could come up with.

A few Goddesses are mentioned too, usually as victims of poorly handled relationships, like Medea, who got so angry with her husband for dumping her, after all she did for him, including cutting her brother in pieces and throwing him at sea to stop her fathers boat from following her as she run away with her Lover/Husband to be, that as a revenge she came up with an elaborate plan to make him suffer and the most effective thing she could come up with was to kill their children.

My student had already debated with me the point of 'how can anyone not understand Medea, come on, her husband was such a douchebag, after All She did For Him, he tried to dump her AND convince her he was doing it for her own good and the children's best interest - a real thorough bastard' - and he was too.

As I was reading this book I saw the play out of All the relationships Characters of Humanity, there is nothing the Gods used to do that we have not been up to ourselves in deceit and manipulation or in any other horrific way, thanks God we no longer have Zeus's power, Zeus only knows what we would have done with that disappearing and shape-shifting shit.

At the lowest levels of the food chain, we trade Sex for Love, again, not because we can't trade it for Money, just because there is No Money to trade it for, Sex is a commodity we use to manipulate each other and we have moved so far from ourselves as The Physical Body that we no longer understand Sex to be an expression of Self in and as The Physical, but a weapon, an asset, a stock to trade on the market where we exchange Sex for Money or Love as good feelings to chase away the fears we have about ourselves and this world and the lives we live and what we accepted and allowed ourselves to become.

 

Apparently we call that 'Love' and we respect it, as 'Love is a God', and so are We and what an image and likeness we are indeed.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress thoughts and memories of times in which I have clearly seen myself trade mySelf for Love or other things I perceived as "Valuable"

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live the construct of asking men to do things to 'prove their Love' ranging from waiting to have sex, to telling me something, to making me 'feel' something as I internalized fairy tales in which 'when a man loves a woman, he would do anything for her' and I lived testing this to get to those 'positive feelings ' of worth and value for myself to move out of the way I mostly perceived myself which was 'negative'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear looking at the point of Love as a currency for trading Sex because I have judged this to be bad and I don't want to be a woman that traded sex for anything but prefer to imagine myself as above the sex trading that is happening everywhere, starting with me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for trading myself as sexual expression for declarations of Love that were as empty as those I gave in return or to solicit another's declaration of Love for me so I could feel good about myself, even when those declaration were based on nothing substantial but were enough to provide the excuse and means for trading and for not feeling like I was giving out something 'of value' for Free.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive that as women we hold the sex game in our hands when I realized that the sex market was only one way and only men were buying it while we were the ones selling it and as such we were the ones to set the price for the sex transactions that would take place and if no money could be squeezed out of it in any form, then 'Love' would do as 'a payment' for the exchange of goods which were valuable because men seemed to want them and be willing to do more for sex than we were

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that those women who have not been playing the "Communist Game' and giving out sex for free, were in fact smarter as they ended up marrying the ones they did not give the goods to for free and marriage is another form of successful trade off on the sex market

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when meeting a man, assess what he can do for me, specifically if he shows an interest, because in that interest the trading has already started and I just had to hold on to the goods to make the price rise and if it rose to 'Love' than I would feel I had achieved something, that I got the value for the goods I was about to give out, and in this separation of myself into a Stock Exchange for trading mySelf in and as my body, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imagine what I could get out of sexual games with men that I desired, which could be the 'Love' fix or something that ranked valuable on my lists of trade offs, such as being cared for, looked after and within this for never having expressed myself sexually beyond games and manipulations I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react to the joke my mum sent, because when she implied she has always been a Communist, meaning she never traded well enough for sex, I felt my own disappointment for not having traded sex as well as I could have and then the shame for having traded sex at all for value, acceptance and appreciation

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to buy into the idea, ideal, belief and delusion of 'Love' as something valuable, without seeing realizing and understanding that 'Love' was always One and Equal to Fear, with the same physical con-sequences I experienced when I went through fearful moments in my Life and so I duped myself twice with both the idea of Value of Love and the Idea of the Positivity of Love which I never experienced but only imagined because when I 'lived' the experience I always felt anxiety, fear of loss, desire to compete with other women to hold on to this point of Value I created for myself that I then had to hold on to in fear of feeling lessened and diminished

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself through the Imaginary experience of Love as fear and for wanting to hold on to this fear as Love fearing that I will no longer feel alive if I let it go, instead of seeing and realizing it is the letting go of it all that will make me real

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fail to notice that all our mythology about Gods and Goddesses and Love, which is the original blueprint for the follow up fairy tales, is just bullshit, as the first stories told about Love have nothing 'loving about them' but they describe our dishonesty, lust, desires, jealousy, vindictiveness, cruelty and utter disregard for each other and for Life and that those stories should have been told as a warning that we have not changed yet and not as examples of 'what Love really is', because 'Love' that doesn't support all equally in and as the physical and is not what is best for all, is not real

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of 'Love' for good, even though as I wrote in these past days I came to a fence and I realized that I could in fact cross it because there was nothing of value I would leave behind, and yet I still deliberately held on to the fence for dear life, fearing that I would not be me if I did let this one point go, and for standing in the way of my own freedom and of learning to stand on my own two feet, I forgive myself

I commit myself to keep writing about this point of Love until nothing moves inside of me when a trigger presents itself and to see that every step I am taking is an opportunity for myself to redefine what I have been and what I have participated in and as, and to change myself to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All, for myself and all of existence, Equal and One.

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Day 224: "Can't Get Enough of Your Love, Babe".. Joke!

I have been a very loved woman. From afar.

Even though I have taken on the point of 'Love' before, it was more to release myself from some of my Cultural beliefs but I had not realized the Nature and truth of Love as clearly as in this past week, as I revisited in my Life the Hows of all the 'Love' declarations I received in my life, either openly or in more concealed, 'in between the lines' ways. With openly I meant the times a man just came out and plainly told me or wrote it to me and the second case would be when it was hinted, implied, built into the words expressed but not an absolute in your face "I Love/Loved you".

As this point opened up, my Mind offered a dolly shot of all the times I was the "object" of a man's love, obviously as Gian's wrote once, it was mainly the play out of a cultural exchange we believe we have to go through for Sex, so many men would just use that point as the 'passpartout' into a woman's bedroom, but this could not happen unless the woman was equally pre-programmed and then self-programmed to crave for this 'declaration' as a point of self worth and self importance that allowed the bedroom door to open, hopefully 'diminishing' the fear that she will be used, or judged or left afterward, when men wake up and find their interest just gone, as 'what they really wanted' and got, extinguished the fake flame of "Love", if it was ever there to start with and they were not just blatantly manipulating by saying it, just as much as we manipulated ourselves by believing it.

Did we get the drift as women about how ridiculous this is yet? How would simple words such as 'I love you' be a guarantee of anything, including someone's 'honest' intentions for intimacy and getting to know another better, what substance do they carry if they are not lived out?

And doesn't the word Love immediately evoke Fear at the same time? Isn't the declaring Love a space in which one, if one cares to self investigate', will move immediately into the Fear of not being loved anymore? Is Love Fear after All?

When I was married I said 'I Love you' many times, to the point that I was asked to stop because 'it didn't sound real anymore', it was hurtful to hear this, but True.The reason why I said 'I Love you' so many times was because I didn't, I couldn't bring myself to the kind of excitement that I had associated with Love, plus as I said in my previous blogs, many of the cultural elements I had imprinted myself with as the 'defnition of Love' were missing, such as Possessiveness, Jealousy and ownership, hence it seemed necessary to fill those gaps with meaningless words as a layer of projected stability and forever-ness, the hope that if I kept repeating them they would come true, 'I love You' was my act of atonement for the self dishonesty with which I walked into my marriage and the very point that increased the self dishonesty I lived within it.

How utterly meaningless the words 'I love you' are was just brought home recently, to a deeper level than what I understood as I first begin walking this Process of Self Correction.

Back to the first line, I was loved a lot, a lot a lot, mostly and specifically when I was NOT around.

Isn't this weird?

If Love was real, wouldn't you Love more the "object" of Your Love when they are around then when they are not? Wouldn't Love be the commitment to each other to support each other unconditionally that doesn't even require those words to be expressed as both partners live them in their relationship as themselves, instead of a fantasy that generates a feeling that one goes off and lives in his/her own Mind, wouldn't Love Require the other person to be around at least, if Love was About The Other One at all?

But it is not. And this is why I was loved Best from Afar and I myself loved best and most from afar. Because you need 'the object and subject' of your Love to Not Be Around, as when they do they in fact stand in the way of our ability to generate this feeling which is based on a self created fantasy and so one can go and write poems and songs that are ethereal, eternal, untouched by the physical reality of things, unsoiled, and they can last forever, just as long as reality doesn't come in the way with its pettiness of having to adjust to sharing a space and make time work for both, working on how physical support can be given to each other, working on becoming considerate lovers, sharing responsibilities in the physical that have nothing to do with 'your aura like a dawn, your eyes like starry skies, your heavenly smell and how You make me feel' because no one is making us feel anything, all those things are self created which should be blatantly clear when we see that this "Love' we talk about and write about and sing about doesn't require the presence of another at all.

The best letters I received from my ex husband were prior to living together, the fantasy ended when I moved in, my first love asked me to marry him when I left to go back to Italy through a heartbreaking letter but I said NO, when I went back for him a few years later he said NO and then spent many more years writing about me.

Did that change my life in any way? NO. I didn't even know about it, but 'THAT was not the point, silly', I was un-required, inconsequential and furthermore blatantly demeaning to the fantasy had I ever showed up.

Which it did happen and I had the impression that while on one hand there was a moment of excitement, there was little to say because we never built a relationship or intimacy and so it was in fact the meeting of two strangers and possibly I did not play it out as well as in the self created fantasy, I did not give all the right answers, the right props to feed the fantasy and the awkwardness of Love coming to face with reality was palpably there, I was an uninvited guest in my own 'Love Story', piss off, let me Love you, please, don't come and spoil it all for me, will ya.

Was Love of any support through my Life for myself or others, both the one I was informed about and the one I informed others about? NO

Is Love selfish then? Absolutely. Love as a feeling is what I create for myself as a 'feel good experience' for which I in fact use another as a point of focus, so I can get to that experience I crave for, it doesn't include another, should You stick around too long, soon or later I will see something in You that I don't like in me and blame you for it and then My Love will come to an end, I would hate that, so please, I beg you, don't stick around.

Tomorrow I will walk this Love Character both from the giving and the receiving side of it to commit myself to stop my separation from Love as a word with no practical application in the physical, to redraw myself into Love beyond the selfishness of the positive experience I sought for myself with no regards to how could I live it as an expression of me, Equal and One for All, in and as a physical practical application of Self.

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Day 223: Unloved, Now What? Return to Self

This is a follow up to my Post "You are nobody till somebody loves you", I will walk through Self For-Giveness my return to self from my accepted and allowed beliefs, idea, opinions and experiences that I allowed myself to exist within and that shaped me into the woman I have become:

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a child, when asked if I had a sympathy at school, if there was a boy I liked, if I was interested in anyone, to under-stand and to believe that I was supposed to feel sympathy, like or be interest in someone because it seemed to matter more than who I was and that I would gain worth and value for myself only by following that path

I forgive myself that I accepted ad allowed myself as a child to look around for that boy that I could feel sympathy for, like, be interested in, not from the perspective of me but to find that one missing piece that I was supposed to bring to the chats with my grandparents so that I could find that missing worth and fill my not enough-ness with the information they seemed to look for when talking to me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a child, since this topic of boys vs girls grew exasperated by the Catholic environment I was raised in, where we were in mixed classes but were discouraged to play together, to create a desire to cross the line over the forbidden side of the courtyard, ending up being punished for being too adventurous, while I now see and realize I was not being adventurous, I was seeking attention and recognition from the boys because I had already internalized this point of worthlessness as a woman without the attention of a man as myself, and so I was not seeking to spend time with boys to get to know them, but for the value of me, the worth of me as I accepted and allowed myself to believe in this cultural and then family imprinting of women as worthless

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when a boy was present, immediately move into a state of agitation, anxiety, as I would stand to wait for signs to decode about him being interested in me, in him finding me someone he wished to spend time with, as those signs were already becoming vital to a 'positive experience of myself' as worthy and for mistaking the shame I felt as shame for desiring the attention of boys, instead of seeing and realizing I was feeling the shame of my compromise for value and worth to be given to me as I had separated from myself as Self value and Self Worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself as Self Value and Self Worth and for feeling ashamed about it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as I grew up, encode inside of myself all the crappy Love songs of my culture as guidelines of what to look for as value within a relationship with a man, without realizing the songs were full of expressions of instability and mental problems such as jealousy, possessiveness, ownership, longing and I turned this codes into who I became and then sought to find those things that I told myself were signs of love within the relationships I built up, and when I couldn't I would move on, not questioning my starting point but believing 'the other' had not given to me the 'right signs' of love and as such his love could not be trusted

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when listening to a song, always try to fit into it, to see myself within it and the experiences I could have if it was me the main character of the song, the woman longed for, never forgotten, the source of jealousy and possessiveness and how I would 'feel' about it and deciding that it would feel good, set out to seek the same dramas that my culture defined as 'Love' to live in my own life

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imagine how I would feel if it was me the centre of so much attention, discarding along the way potential partners that did not live up to such great loves imprinted in and as my Mind, when in fact I myself did not live up to them but in my picking and choosing I would always seek songs that when men sang where about the longing, the love, the craving and when women sang were always about the sorrow, the intensity, the regret and then I went looking for partners that would resonate within my same cultural imprinting so we could play out those scripts together until they turned to the sorrow, the intensity and the regret of the roles I had chosen and scripted for myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when faced with jealousy about a partner, to not take responsibility for what I felt and investigate the point to see that I would feel jealous as a comparison with other women from which I came out short in my own self judgement of myself, and since jealousy for me to feel was not part of my scripts because the men were the ones supposed to play the jealous part, I would find excuses and justifications to just move on, fearing that I would have to go through the jealousy experience again if I stuck with a particular partner and overlooking the point if there was a connection that was worth holding on to and learn to grow together in mutual support

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a result of my unstable behavior with men which I could not figure out if it was because I was too interested or not interested enough, to end up walking away at all times as a result of accumulations of backchats and self dishonesty that I ended up blaming on them and that I allowed to become so overwhelming to the point of just giving up

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Love was important and for feeling dishonest because I could not work out in detail what this feeling of 'love' was all about except translate it into jealousy, possessiveness, ownership instead of standing as a stable point of support next to my partners without seeking the illusory world of emotions and feelings as Proof that 'something was really there' because I was not there

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not be there for my myself or my partners as I busied myself blaming them for not being there for me, when in fact the point was that I was nowhere to be seen and I never considered building a self honest relationship with myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, twice in my life, drop my life and move to another country after a man, creating a credit in my mind for which a payback was due and corrupting my starting point both with myself as I took off without ever considering my own life but just the experience I would gain that would give me having a man next to me to me and equally with them, starting with a debt to be repaid, just like the current Monetary System, where nothing is done for nothing and a payback is always due

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold my partners responsible for my life, through the justification that 'I gave up my life for you' so I could go on playing the extra romantic woman in love, while in fact I was just creating excuses to not be responsible for myself and the choices I made

I commit myself to establish a self honest relationship with myself, wherein I stand on my own two feet, no matter where I am or where I decide to move to, and to no longer make others responsible for myself or the experience of myself

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself trying to take off into some mind delusions about Love and memories and the past, to stop, Breathe, realize that I am not giving up anything of value as my memories are behavioural microchips that lead always in the same place where I have been many times before, to failure , and I no longer want to experience failure in relationships as a definition of who I am

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself move into the desire to compare my relationships as a way to feel safer, to stop and breathe through the fear, as the fear I have is the fear of me and I instead look at what am I fearing so I can release myself from it once and for all

I commit myself to, when and as I speak to a man, a partner or a potential partner to make sure I am not reactive, if I am to Breathe through my reactions before I speak or write and then only express myself so I can stop existing as a tornado of disasters because Prevention is the Best Cure.

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Day 195: The Evil in Childhood

First I want to redefine the word Evil for myself as it has much negative/bad/dark/ EVIL lol charge that approaching this subject still makes me cringe at some level, nothing in comparison to prior my meeting with Desteni, when I would have shivers at the mention of Evil or Demons, but there is still a sense of uneasiness in walking this topic, even more if the topic is Evil in Childhood= Anathema.

In fact what is Evil if not Live backward? The point that we have never been One and Equal to Life, living the Oneness and Equality of who we could have been, giving to each other what we would have liked to receive, but no, we had to become winners on a planet of Losers, we had to be more than another in fear of being less, we had to find meaning in our Being-ness instead of just Being here expressing ourselves in real Freedom with One another, sharing this planet and a Dignified Life in which we would be real support for one another, real Human Beings instead of backstabbing evil demons, hence we lived, existed and did it all backward.

I never believed in the innocence of children, I had my reasons, I don't recall myself as innocent ever, my memories start with deception and manipulation and a sense of being lost in a place no one seemed to know much about including the WHY we are Here and what we are supposed to do. Stretching the story of 'living; into something 'beautiful' is just that, a huge stretch of the imagination, my childhood years from when I can remember where made of anxiety, a feeling of being out of place, not belonging and a huge fear that this place wasn't even a bit safe, and the sense of not being safe started with my family, I didn't trust them one bit.

When my girlfriends started to have children, I never changed my mind, I had a lot of guilt too due to believing that I was able to see right through children and not being able to buy into the crap of their 'good intentions and good hearts', we are not born with good intentions, we are on a survival trip, no matter the stories we tell each other about our goodness or other's goodness they are all hard to believe if we really want to see the truth in all our current interactions, if we miss them, there is a whole World showcase to catch up, the World as a Mirror of Ourselves.

In this I always saw myself at an advantage, I just did not Really believe in Goodness, pretended to, made efforts to, wanted to, but from my experience if you dug deep enough the underlining bullshit would come up in everyone, priests, teachers, nuns, 'la creme de la creme' was still the 'same old same old' bullshitting in sheep's clothes.

This started in childhood, a memory comes up of a time in which I spoke with a baby's voice to charm my step-grandmother, she did not like me, not openly because she was still a Step away from the main Blood family, but when we were alone she was nasty and she would tell me I was a liar and not good, I feared that she saw the bullshitter in me and around her I suppressed much until I found a Character she enjoyed, the subservient one. My mum was another point of self doubt in my life, some of the things she said about me and my clever manipulations were just too embarrassing to hear, some were true and some were not, but even the ones that were not I started to believe they must be true, that maybe those were my 'ulterior motifs' this just lead me to improve my bullshitter skills, to find ways to promote my Characters better, adjust them, fine tune them, until I found the right mix that could keep most of them happy and myself out of trouble.

Interestingly this movement within me had an unexpected side effect: since everyone seemed out 'to expose me and my evil ways' I first started to believe that they were better than me, they must be better or how would they dare calling a spade a spade -was I a Spade-, they must Not be a Spade for such Dare. So a Character was created as 'I am the Worst, everyone is better as in More Good than me'. So through my life I pushed to trust people based on this belief, much of my discoveries did not match this assumption, but I insisted, there was a consolation in the belief that if I am No Good, maybe someone out there is, there better be someone good out there, I am sure there is and I'll find them out and join them.

This Character would thrive on making up excuses for others, hoping they would in return excuse me, justify me for who I was and had accepted and allowed myself to become.

But it never applied to Children, it's like I froze my awareness about the Evil of this world into Childhood and could never move past it and then I went on seeking the good in Adults, fat chance, yet the resistance to see the Evil in everyone is still occasionally there, meaning I see it and then pretend not to, hope they won't see mine either, so we can keep playing the Hide and Seek of this Evil existence into oblivion.




I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself as a kid believing I was not Good Enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe as a kid that I was bad and evil and one of a kind instead of realizing I was in the process of aligning to this world and the examples I saw around me and what I understood it was required of me to survive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loathe myself as a kid for giving up on myself and for then projecting this perceived hatred that I believed to be me on other kids because I could not buy their bullshit for a second, just because I had become too devious to be able to buy mine


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base the definition of myself on how others said 'they saw me for my true colours' even when my colors where still in the process of becoming clear to myself or others, taking personally what others exposed about themselves as something about me until I believed that everything they said about me must be true because they were the adults in the equation and they were the ones who knew better

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilt because I could clearly see the darkness and evilness of children since I was exposed to my own at a very early age, instead of seeing and realizing I had bought into the same projection game and was now doing to children what was done to me as a child

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I was really bad and evil for seeing reality for what it was, until I stopped and tried my best to align with Not seeing reality for what it is so I could have some peace of Mind and stop asking myself questions that no one had answers to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty and believe that guilt to be who I am, when my girlfriends had kids and I could not see those kids as pure and innocent through the eyes of their mothers/my girlfriends no matter how much I wanted it, and for suppressing what I believed I saw because it was inappropriate, because at some level I was aware that what I saw was about me as my stored self judgements and condemnations and no one else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a Storyteller Character because reality was not good enough, not funny enough, not entertaining enough to guarantee I could access the approval of others and as such I had to spice it up, until I would con-fuse myself into alternate reality making myself unable to distinguish what really happened after I changed the stories I told so many times to fit the audience I was telling them to and for creating alternate realities for myself as a kid through storytelling reality I forgive myself



I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to betray myself by abdicating who I am to the Mind to live the Life that was designed for me and not the Life I could have been as Breath Here in and as the Physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous and envious of other kids who seemed to have a 'better life', 'better parents', comparing myself with my family and thinking I could not possibly belong there, what was I doing with 'those people' and why was I supposed to love them when in fact most of the time I just plainly feared them and then felt guilty for fearing my own family which added to the belief that I was evil and bad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be merciless toward the kid I have been, wanting to disown myself as I perceived and then believed I was dishonorable by the age of 10 and that was not the road to the kind of human being I wanted to become as a 'good human being' and yet the road seemed set before me and I could just walk it because I believed 'this is Who I am' and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my mercilessness of myself onto other kids, because I wanted them to be exposed as I was exposed for the little liars and manipulators that they are, as I was, instead of seeing and realizing how is it that we are creating this monstrosity we call Humanity spoiling kids for life along the way and how can we stop and change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek solace in the belief that there must be something good in this Creation, just so I would pile up one disappointment after another until I faced the point that there isn't, pushing to get to the worst inside everyone, hoping to not find it, feeling guilty all the way and ending up believing that had it not been for me, they would have been fine, good people, instead of seeing and realizing I sought the evil in others as my justification for the evil in me, instead of facing my own Evil once and for all and release myself from it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my family because I believed THEY were the ones who took the worst out of me to start with, which was the point that I believed caused envy and jealousy for other kids who seemed to have better lives and less shit to deal with, instead of seeing and realizing I just wished for another life and not the one I had walked into through my acceptance and allowance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire that other kids would be punished for 'who they were' because I believed I was punished for who I was until I complied to the "Be Nice commands" and aligned with the Sugar Coating as Humanity that is required to live in this world but I for one would not be the one pretending Kids are fine and innocent and secretly suppressed the desire to see them all punished so I could feel better about myself as they too would be exposed and pointed at as unfit for this world and I would not have to feel so bad about myself as the memory of the suppressed kid that I have hang on to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imprint myself with pictures of my childhood that would justify the Characters I then set out to design and create for myself, I now release myself from those pictures as thoughts to no longer allow myself to be triggered into behaviors that I then justify with 'the kind of life I had/believed I had/ made up in my own mind'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to Not realize that what some of my Family saw in me and condemned was what was hidden within them and they condemned about themselves as I was the product of my Family first and then my environment and all the following brainwashing of an insane society that can only produce insane human beings, and that this was the root of my dislike for children, as I saw in them as children what I had not liked and condemned about myself as a child and then wanted, wished to have them called out for it and exposed in spitefulness as I had been called out and exposed


I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that my grandparents who instead praised me and only saw 'the good' in me, were just lying to cover up their own evil as the separation we all share that brought us here and that created a world that is backward, upside down, where nothing works but we pretend it does, so we can pretend we are fine too and keep this creation where nothing is what it seems going for the future generations, instead of stopping it once and for all to come to terms with the fact that there is nothing worth saving in what we created as ourselves as The Mind in separation from one another and we need to make a U turn to realign to Oneness and Equality and a Life that is truly best for All.

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