Friday, February 1, 2013

Day 255: Fear & Desire of Attention from Men

A few weeks ago as I was walking to school in my neighborhood I passed by a man and he looked at me straight in the eyes and said 'wow, you are so beautiful', he was on the phone, I was early and he put his call on hold to ask me why he had never seen me before and if I was from the area. Since he was a foreigner close to the school that was still closed I said I was going to school and I asked him if he was going to school too, he said yes and I said 'I'll see you there then' and walked away.

When I met him on my second walking round of the neighborhood while waiting for the school to open he stopped me to ask me more information, my heart jumped in my throat and I didn't know what to say when 'out of character' and ended up saying the stupidest thing which was basically 'look I am the teacher and you are a student so keep your place' to which he looked at me widening his eyes and said 'I didn't say anything offensive, just that you are beautiful' but by then I had picked up speed in my nonsense reply and held my ground with 'whatever, it's a matter of roles', a point I myself couldn't even comment on because I was too ashamed and walked away pretending it didn't even happen.

I reacted with pleasure the first round when everything was 'still under control' and fear on the second meeting, I breathed through them both flagging the point to write about it later and then I didn't.

So far I have not received any attention from my students to trigger this Character into action, but last night during class, I noticed a guy -that a couple of weeks ago kept looking at my ass every time I went to write on the board but it didn't make me react-, his interest became more palpable and he made efforts to follow the lesson without disturbing, out of character for him as he was written on the registry as 'a disturbing element', which he most certainly was as he played with his phone and smsed most of the -past- class.

When I go to school I wear make up, I have not yet overcome completely the habit of believing that I am unpresentable and 'out of order' without it, I just make up my eyes not a theatre kind of make up, just a city kind of make up, as I said 'to be presentable' and a bit less weird than I feel for not being aligned to fashion and what is required of an 'Italian woman in public', make up is taught as part of 'personal hygiene' for the brain damaged women of the West, it seems like we have not washed without it and we would be exposed to the public reproach if we didn't comply.

So last night when he was looking to lock my eyes, I went through the reaction first for having made up and then I skipped the pleasurable part altogether and moved straight into fear when he started to make flirty jokes.

I am not 100% sure of the reason for this fear and if I always had it but did not notice because I used to wear my flirty character and always had a clever come back to put men back in their place or to encourage them elegantly if I was interested, and since I joined Desteni and I set aside all relationships with males, specifically because I was a relationship danger to myself and others, this new fear has emerged.

Last night when I said to my class 'ok I will come 1/2 an hour earlier but don't leave me alone here' everyone said fine, sure while he replied "I would never leave you alone', then in these sequence I felt a feeling of fear the fight to suppress it and hide it and then embarrassment, ending in a total loss of control of my emotional experience.

So, how did last night evolve to that point? I don't know, I was very careful to not give anyone any special attention even when he stood up and came to clean the drawing board for me, I did not look at him in any particular misleading way, but as he turned his back I looked at his body from behind and made a mental assessment, I actually saw myself doing that, which I didn't like, I didn't like the result of the assessment either, which was that he had a cool body and he was doable, so maybe I went into embarrassment due to my own internal backchat about him, having taken his cleaning the board for me personally as an 'act of interest' and then feeling obliged to reciprocate the assessment and check where I stood.

I have found myself in some pretty unpleasant consequences in my life due to how I let slide considering all points of a possible physical interaction with men, some consequences I didn't even face, I left them behind for the men to face, in this case I know I would not want to have a fling with a student, another point is how once a man is interested in me, even when I was not interested to start with, his interest in me makes him immediately interesting. Weird.

So I will walk my self forgiveness for my play out with men considering these 2 events.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react with pleasure and a feeling of being 'more' than before the compliment was Paid when I am told 'you are beautiful, sei bella' spoken by a man

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react to my reaction in self judgement because I am no longer supposed to react, I am above reacting to the compliment of a man and for feeling disappointed at myself I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel at a loss for words when I could not step into the flirty character because I have always and only interacted with men either through disinterest/dismissing them as not attractive or just plain stupid or flirted and I don't know how to interact with a man without wearing a Character/Personality trusting that I can just Self Express without needing to know 'what would be the appropriate thing to say now that I am walking with Desteni in reply to a compliment' which was what I was trying to assess, because when I check in my mind for this feedback, I have only moved away from some of my usual Characters into the Desteni Character which is not fully automatized and as such I saw realized and understood how I desired to play a Character, just the Right kind of Character and not the ones I have judged as bad and abusive, instead of self Expressing beyond ANY Character in the moment in Self trust in and as Breath

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear compliments from men as I fear that I will react with interest, because this is what I accepted and allowed myself to believe I am supposed to do, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I just accepted the belief of those that came before me about relationships between men and women instead of investigating for myself the reason why I should react in any way when someone pays me a compliment and why immediately my interest for them changes as they fulfilled through complimenting me some imaginary requirement for the 'beginning of a potential relationship, be it sexual or emotional' and for accepting compliments as a trigger to my relationship characters/personalities, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to secretly desire compliments from men as a form of validation of myself as a woman, because a woman should be beautiful to be a woman at all and for then suppressing this desire because I judged it as inappropriate and based on self interest as I wished to be beautiful even if that meant someone had to be ugly by comparison, and for polarizing myself about desire for beauty and fear of ugliness I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I felt the fear rise the first time I met a student in the street, to, instead of breathing thoroughly through the fear and give myself a chance to see what was underneath, to take a self righteous position all the way into 'the teacher role' so I ended up feeling fearful AND ridiculous as I saw what I was doing to try and put this man into a position of inferiority as I feared his compliment may harm me in some ways as in trigger some character/personalities I am aware I have not taken self directive principle over, and for judging myself as ridiculous and then suppressing this whole incident without releasing myself from it, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to diminish another to diminish my own self created fear, instead of addressing the fear at its roots so I would stop fearing another and triggering the desire to diminish him/her in a futile attempt to diminish my fear

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I first discovered that men saying 'nice things' about me would give me a feeling of value and pride, to believe that my value and pride lay in the words I could elicit from a man due to my appearance and for seeking value and pride through the words of another in separation from myself as self worth and self pride, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must wear make up to align with the ideal of beauty of my culture, because I fear being ugly and for believing women with no make up are ugly just because I bought into i-deals I was sold and models of beauty to fit consumerism and the purchase of make up products I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when last night I perceived the interest of one of my student that went out of his way to find the right product to clean the whiteboard for me, to then evaluate him on my mental meat market to see if he was usable, and for seeing myself doing that all the way through assessing his body and how he was moving and not stopping myself with breath to not do to another what I don't want to be done to me, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when he made a joke that 'he would never leave me alone' to feel the activation of my relationship Character and the fear coming up with it as I exposed to myself how much I would like to have a relationship, no matter how deep I have buried this desire and denied its existence so I would not have to face the point that I desire to not be alone even though I fear someone coming into my life and the havoc that a relationship would bring to my still fragile stability and my process of self correction and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being alone for good

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a friction inside myself between the desire for the attention of men and the fear of the attention from men and what this could lead to, such as a relationship

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame on men and their being around me, my sense of discomfort as fear that I may be triggered into some personalities I have not yet acquired self directive principle over and that I will be just back at square one, disappointed at myself and perceiving I have not changed, while I in fact have changed and I just have to acknowledge I have not yet come to my 'relationships with men' personalities/characters but step by step, breath by breath I will address those as well until I no longer exists as the fear/desire of being complimented by a man and the fear/desire for a relationship to pacify the fear of being alone for good

I commit myself to use those chances I have now that I am returning to the world to interact with others, to see where and how I need to correct myself regarding 'relationships with men' so I can stand stable in and as breath and not allow myself to be swayed by external event on which I accepted and allowed myself to believe I had no control over

I commit myself to no longer believe that I have no control over my relationship with men and to see realize and understand I can stand in and as self responsibility to change those points as they arise one by one, until I learn to express myself naturally without the need to embody relationships characters or personalities

I commit myself to see realize and understand that everything I am doing to change myself is a process of accumulation and each correction I make to move beyond my self interest to realign to Oneness and Equality and what is Best for All accumulates in the kind of person I want to be, standing for what is best for me as best for all, for myself and all of existence Equal and One.

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