Day 255: Fear & Desire of Attention from Men

A few weeks ago as I was walking to school in my neighborhood I passed by a man and he looked at me straight in the eyes and said 'wow, you are so beautiful', he was on the phone, I was early and he put his call on hold to ask me why he had never seen me before and if I was from the area. Since he was a foreigner close to the school that was still closed I said I was going to school and I asked him if he was going to school too, he said yes and I said 'I'll see you there then' and walked away.

When I met him on my second walking round of the neighborhood while waiting for the school to open he stopped me to ask me more information, my heart jumped in my throat and I didn't know what to say when 'out of character' and ended up saying the stupidest thing which was basically 'look I am the teacher and you are a student so keep your place' to which he looked at me widening his eyes and said 'I didn't say anything offensive, just that you are beautiful' but by then I had picked up speed in my nonsense reply and held my ground with 'whatever, it's a matter of roles', a point I myself couldn't even comment on because I was too ashamed and walked away pretending it didn't even happen.

I reacted with pleasure the first round when everything was 'still under control' and fear on the second meeting, I breathed through them both flagging the point to write about it later and then I didn't.

So far I have not received any attention from my students to trigger this Character into action, but last night during class, I noticed a guy -that a couple of weeks ago kept looking at my ass every time I went to write on the board but it didn't make me react-, his interest became more palpable and he made efforts to follow the lesson without disturbing, out of character for him as he was written on the registry as 'a disturbing element', which he most certainly was as he played with his phone and smsed most of the -past- class.

When I go to school I wear make up, I have not yet overcome completely the habit of believing that I am unpresentable and 'out of order' without it, I just make up my eyes not a theatre kind of make up, just a city kind of make up, as I said 'to be presentable' and a bit less weird than I feel for not being aligned to fashion and what is required of an 'Italian woman in public', make up is taught as part of 'personal hygiene' for the brain damaged women of the West, it seems like we have not washed without it and we would be exposed to the public reproach if we didn't comply.


So last night when he was looking to lock my eyes, I went through the reaction first for having made up and then I skipped the pleasurable part altogether and moved straight into fear when he started to make flirty jokes.

I am not 100% sure of the reason for this fear and if I always had it but did not notice because I used to wear my flirty character and always had a clever come back to put men back in their place or to encourage them elegantly if I was interested, and since I joined Desteni and I set aside all relationships with males, specifically because I was a relationship danger to myself and others, this new fear has emerged.



Last night when I said to my class 'ok I will come 1/2 an hour earlier but don't leave me alone here' everyone said fine, sure while he replied "I would never leave you alone', then in these sequence I felt a feeling of fear the fight to suppress it and hide it and then embarrassment, ending in a total loss of control of my emotional experience.


So, how did last night evolve to that point? I don't know, I was very careful to not give anyone any special attention even when he stood up and came to clean the drawing board for me, I did not look at him in any particular misleading way, but as he turned his back I looked at his body from behind and made a mental assessment, I actually saw myself doing that, which I didn't like, I didn't like the result of the assessment either, which was that he had a cool body and he was doable, so maybe I went into embarrassment due to my own internal backchat about him, having taken his cleaning the board for me personally as an 'act of interest' and then feeling obliged to reciprocate the assessment and check where I stood.


I have found myself in some pretty unpleasant consequences in my life due to how I let slide considering all points of a possible physical interaction with men, some consequences I didn't even face, I left them behind for the men to face, in this case I know I would not want to have a fling with a student, another point is how once a man is interested in me, even when I was not interested to start with, his interest in me makes him immediately interesting. Weird.



So I will walk my self forgiveness for my play out with men considering these 2 events.



I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react with pleasure and a feeling of being 'more' than before the compliment was Paid when I am told 'you are beautiful, sei bella' spoken by a man


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react to my reaction in self judgement because I am no longer supposed to react, I am above reacting to the compliment of a man and for feeling disappointed at myself I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel at a loss for words when I could not step into the flirty character because I have always and only interacted with men either through disinterest/dismissing them as not attractive or just plain stupid or flirted and I don't know how to interact with a man without wearing a Character/Personality trusting that I can just Self Express without needing to know 'what would be the appropriate thing to say now that I am walking with Desteni in reply to a compliment' which was what I was trying to assess, because when I check in my mind for this feedback, I have only moved away from some of my usual Characters into the Desteni Character which is not fully automatized and as such I saw realized and understood how I desired to play a Character, just the Right kind of Character and not the ones I have judged as bad and abusive, instead of self Expressing beyond ANY Character in the moment in Self trust in and as Breath


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear compliments from men as I fear that I will react with interest, because this is what I accepted and allowed myself to believe I am supposed to do, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I just accepted the belief of those that came before me about relationships between men and women instead of investigating for myself the reason why I should react in any way when someone pays me a compliment and why immediately my interest for them changes as they fulfilled through complimenting me some imaginary requirement for the 'beginning of a potential relationship, be it sexual or emotional' and for accepting compliments as a trigger to my relationship characters/personalities, I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to secretly desire compliments from men as a form of validation of myself as a woman, because a woman should be beautiful to be a woman at all and for then suppressing this desire because I judged it as inappropriate and based on self interest as I wished to be beautiful even if that meant someone had to be ugly by comparison, and for polarizing myself about desire for beauty and fear of ugliness I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I felt the fear rise the first time I met a student in the street, to, instead of breathing thoroughly through the fear and give myself a chance to see what was underneath, to take a self righteous position all the way into 'the teacher role' so I ended up feeling fearful AND ridiculous as I saw what I was doing to try and put this man into a position of inferiority as I feared his compliment may harm me in some ways as in trigger some character/personalities I am aware I have not taken self directive principle over, and for judging myself as ridiculous and then suppressing this whole incident without releasing myself from it, I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to diminish another to diminish my own self created fear, instead of addressing the fear at its roots so I would stop fearing another and triggering the desire to diminish him/her in a futile attempt to diminish my fear


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I first discovered that men saying 'nice things' about me would give me a feeling of value and pride, to believe that my value and pride lay in the words I could elicit from a man due to my appearance and for seeking value and pride through the words of another in separation from myself as self worth and self pride, I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must wear make up to align with the ideal of beauty of my culture, because I fear being ugly and for believing women with no make up are ugly just because I bought into i-deals I was sold and models of beauty to fit consumerism and the purchase of make up products I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when last night I perceived the interest of one of my student that went out of his way to find the right product to clean the whiteboard for me, to then evaluate him on my mental meat market to see if he was usable, and for seeing myself doing that all the way through assessing his body and how he was moving and not stopping myself with breath to not do to another what I don't want to be done to me, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when he made a joke that 'he would never leave me alone' to feel the activation of my relationship Character and the fear coming up with it as I exposed to myself how much I would like to have a relationship, no matter how deep I have buried this desire and denied its existence so I would not have to face the point that I desire to not be alone even though I fear someone coming into my life and the havoc that a relationship would bring to my still fragile stability and my process of self correction and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being alone for good

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a friction inside myself between the desire for the attention of men and the fear of the attention from men and what this could lead to, such as a relationship

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame on men and their being around me, my sense of discomfort as fear that I may be triggered into some personalities I have not yet acquired self directive principle over and that I will be just back at square one, disappointed at myself and perceiving I have not changed, while I in fact have changed and I just have to acknowledge I have not yet come to my 'relationships with men' personalities/characters but step by step, breath by breath I will address those as well until I no longer exists as the fear/desire of being complimented by a man and the fear/desire for a relationship to pacify the fear of being alone for good



I commit myself to use those chances I have now that I am returning to the world to interact with others, to see where and how I need to correct myself regarding 'relationships with men' so I can stand stable in and as breath and not allow myself to be swayed by external event on which I accepted and allowed myself to believe I had no control over

I commit myself to no longer believe that I have no control over my relationship with men and to see realize and understand I can stand in and as self responsibility to change those points as they arise one by one, until I learn to express myself naturally without the need to embody relationships characters or personalities

I commit myself to see realize and understand that everything I am doing to change myself is a process of accumulation and each correction I make to move beyond my self interest to realign to Oneness and Equality and what is Best for All accumulates in the kind of person I want to be, standing for what is best for me as best for all, for myself and all of existence Equal and One.

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• 110- Starting over as Stepping outside the 'Comfort Zone'
• Day 284: Residing in Pompous-City
• Day 231: The Sex Market - Trading in Love & Money
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Day 178: The Solitude of Prime Numbers

A prime number is a lonely thing.

It can only be divided by itself or by one, and it never truly fits with another. Paolo Giordano

This is from an Italian book whose title immediately resonated with me, I have not read it bar from this excerpt which just made me react as much as the title.

Solitude is a theme in my life, I guess that when we define ourselves as loners it is to just bring up 'the good side of it' and the inherent understanding of the choice, a loner chooses to be alone is not a left over or left behind or unwanted, no, it's deciding to not socialize, to not have relationships, to not cultivate friendships any longer, but is this true?

I was born an only child, due to circumstances I spent a lot of time alone apart from the imposed social activities such as kindergarten and school. My mum used to say to me to go down and play with the other kids either in the courtyard or in church, where there was some space for kids to get together and do social stuff, like playing or sitting together chatting and telling stories

My experience of my mum wanting me to go out and play was not something I enjoyed, it always had a bitter taste as I believed she desired to cut some space for herself, it was not about me, reinforcing the point that I had not been a wanted child and that she enjoyed herself more when I was not around.

So the point of being 'pushed ' to go and mingle left me with the experience of reject and not with the sense that there was in fact anything interesting for me to do out there, I had the sense that I was asked to socialize to prove that I was 'normal' such as in 'like the other kids' so that my mum would feel good about herself and what she was doing 'right' to raise me a dependent human being just like everyone else.

I started to briefly enjoy socializing when I realized I was a natural leader, even when I did not try to be one, I would soon or later have followers, for sure as a kid this could have been due to being the wealthiest family in a poor neighborhood but it happened in school as well, where no one knew how wealthy the other was so as we all wore the same uniforms, there was this point of enjoying leadership and then fearing it, I was pretty clear that I did not know what the fuck was I doing or where I was going with my life, having followers to nowhere was scary and risky as well, once we would all fail to arrive at the imaginary destination they had believed I could lead them to, what would happen then, major loss of face for sure.

In time as I developed my main relationship with Pot as a friend, lover, and the centre of my life, this desire for loneliness increased. Every time I was faced with a chance for a relationship I would get almost sick with worry about how I was going to share the space, what would I have to give up of my insane unstructured life, how did a 'normal 'life looked like? My idea of normality ended with 'Happy Days' that would be how I imagined normality to be, a loving family, nothing to be desired, friends and a structure that was set up by parents that I would have copied and made mine, which was not my case.

This desire for structure and non structure was the result of feeling oppressed in my family, all eyes on me as the only child, the prime number, everyone wanted to put in their 2 cents about life and how to best succeed in it, obviously, on principle, since they all seemed raving mad, I discarded any advise or perception of structure for myself, from education to living arrangements.

Interestingly I have always functioned better within a structure, I even thought maybe I should enroll in the Army at one point, be FORCED to structure up, not that I was not able to, because in fact when I set my mind to it I could make my time and life easier and more rewarding for myself and my management and organization skills were pretty exceptional, I just didn't want to, I didn't want to join in the madness and I was not sure how everyone had gotten themselves there, so, just in case, I would draw for myself an unstructured rebellious lifestyle, I would do anything I wanted whenever I wanted, bar the time I had to put into the system for money.

Hence relationships became a burden, a moment of facing the unstructuredness of myself as shame as not being effective as having not designed for myself a life that would draw from my potential what would have been best for me and best for all, but a fuzzy living, with fuzzy focuses and the desire to never be confronted about it.

There is an issue about Fear of Loss as well, people fight and they are no longer friends, couples divorce and the love story ends, people die, dogs die, everything ends, it is a big commitment t put anything into something so uncertain that is bound to finish/end and leave a great huge unmendable hole, honestly what for?

And the extensive effort to make it work, much ado about nothing, what a great idea, let's NEVER do that, let's prevent this business of forming relationships, I don't need to, I don't need anyone, I don't care if I miss out on a few fleeting moments of joy, that too shall pass and with each relationship I become less, there is less of me as I mold myself to fit in, to make it work, to round the corners of myself so as to not bump into each other and create harm, I knew I had internalized some of the moments in which I saw my mum going for the words or the slapping that would hurt or harm me, or desiring to, I saw the demonic face of humanity in my family, in my own mother, those memories existed within me, laced with fear and hatred, I was not sure where they were stored or if they were no longer there, if that was NOT who I was, what if I was THAT? Because for sure my mum did not WANT to be like that, no one wants to be BAD and unleash their Demons on themselves and others, what if we could NOT prevent it, how to stop that, how to change that, what if I was the apple of the Demonic Tree?

And so the solitude and the desire for solitude began. And the Loner Character took shape.

I will apply Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements on the Loner Character tomorrow



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Day 89: Hold the Ladder Mum, time to go back on the Cross

Since I started DIP, i have had a secret desire to see the relationship with my mum work, so I could have a point of stability given that I perceive and believe I no longer have anything else to lean on and if can I stand on my own absolutely alone in the world.

So I kind of enjoyed the delusory point that we were not fighting that there was 'harmony', yet I saw that the reason there was harmony was because I played the supporting role to her Character and accepted to stay in my own role, The Daughter.

Two days ago she called me to complain about friends who did not show the proper respect, I have walked this respect point myself, the dynamics were clear even to her, when I pointed out that the reason why I was not ooohiing and ahhhing about the story was that it was clearly all her doing and I knew she could see that too as it was a repeat pattern of investments in people who did not pay back.

I have seen this pattern in myself , The Investor, yet I was not very longhsighted to see that this obviously included me, who has received benefits, like housing almost for free since I came back and my paying back IS in fact required, at least by being absolutely supportive (within our Characters play).

This was a fear as well that I secretly held about process, that I would come to a point where even famiLie would blow up and that I would feel naked, losing my Daughter Character within the famiLie and not knowing how to walk back into it, even for the sake of peace.

So yesterday when she called to pay me a surprise visit, I was 'happy', in my mind I read it that she was over Her Character and we could now have the Peaceful New relationship (based on New Characters, less evil and demonic). It really shows how the Mind is a very poor Consigliere that makes up stories that is in fact better to never believe.

So when she came, I missed the signs, having worked on myself consistently I am just starting to understand the difference between standing up and fighting nail and tooth, I used to 'think' they were the same, but they are NOT.

The differece is that when you stand up and bring yourself Here, much of the outside play is not activating you as Characters with the same frequency and deft change of costumes, you get some Air Time yourself in between, and you start to see more clearly what is really going on.

The reason was I missed the signs of belligerance when she came in was becase I was NOT in Character, not in the usual Daughter Character in which I would be looking out for signs of wars to come, so when she went to war I could SEE what she tried to do, she tried to nail me to the cross of memories, she switched into the memory keeper and when she saw that the recent stuff was not affecting me she dug back in time, for further away memories, she offered me A Range of My Characters on a Silver Plate to choose from, as long as I picked one we coud go on playing because 'she was having none of it of me staying out of Character'

In this I felt a slight anger, not the all consuming anger I use to feel in the past, I felt pity as well, and shame for us as Humanity at what we have become and what we do to each other.

Due to this twist of events, the play unfolded 'out of Character' to the point that she laid out all the game up to the Money bit, because let's face it folks, it's always about Money, if I stop being the supplier of energy I must pay with another energy currency, Money.

She started with 'I fear for your future' mirroring back to me my own fears and when this did not work as planned she had nothing left but to say 'I fear that you will spend the money of the house, be left with nothing and then I will have to give you some of the Half of my money, which instead I desire to spend because yes, I always said I don't like Armani clothes or to go on holiday, but who kows, maybe I do, so you are free to do whatever you decide as a business as long as you don't 'think' to come to me for help if your business turns sour because I won't give you anything else than the half of the house we decided on', and so the fear for me, for my future, the motherly love, the daughterly love comes back to this, an exchange of energy either in the form of energy as Characters support or Energy as Money.

We created this world, where nothing is Real and everything is just an excuse for self interest within a system of survival, we better get down to fix it because we might be born again into it and have to face the same shit as to what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become while we pretend that we are not really in truth doing 'that thing we do' to ourselves and each other.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to built a Character that hoped that I could change the relationship with my mother if I changed myself and that we could live happily ever after, because I did not want to face the point that we turn nasty when we stop playing and supporting each others' Characters

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that this last relationship of my world would have to crumble and I would have to face the point that I have never loved my parents and they have never loved me and that love is just a lie and a cover up for energy games and Character manipulation and within this I forgive myself for believing I am the fear of being alone in this world with no one to 'lean on' in case of need

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Fear of Aloneness and of being uutterly Alone in the World is Who I really am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'Everybody needs somebody sometime' like Dean Martin sang, and for believing that 'you are nobody until somebody Loves you'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I lose the relationship with my mum I will crumble because she was the only real point of Unconditional Love in my Life, when I always knew that there was nothing unconditional between us, but we had created Characters to pretend there was so we could feel good about being a loving mother and a doting daughter, none of which were Real and within this I forgive myself for fearing losing the relationship with my mum

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn nasty when someone did not stay within the Character we had agreed on and desired to move on, and I used memories to nail them on the cross of Time to put them back in the Character I wished to interact with, switching from one memory of defeat to another to bring them down so they would not be so cocky in the future in stepping out of Character without my permission and agreement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand there while my mother tried to drag me down memory lane and for feeling surprised because I was not reacting even though she gave me plenty reasons to and I wondered if I was still alive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Stepping out of Character and be the cause of the commotion that I saw my mum go through yesterday in the desperate attempt to nail me to the cross of the past memory that should have activated me into what she wished to interact to, but did not

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take the bait from my mind today when thoughts about yesterday and my NON reactions kept popping up as something I should consider and maybe feel guilty about because my mum brought up so many points from the past that before would have upset me,  and in the not getting upset and stepping out of Character I did not only bother her but myself as my own Mind who today looked for ways to nail me on the cross of Time and memory to put me back in my place

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that I can only become upset when in Character, taking things personally and that if I do not, I am not being 'insensitive', I am just not taking personally what she says about me even if it is 'about me' as I realize the Me she is talking about is just a Character.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself because I did not react as in 'this is not healthy, you are suppressing' while I knew I was NOT suppressing because I would have felt the reaction and go for it, if a reaction had taken place because the reaction would have driven me Back into a Character, and that I judged myself simply because I am not used to not reacting and seeing in the physical the difference between standing and reacting, and how standing in fact forces others out of Character because it is the energy of the reactions that keeps the Characters in place and not the reaction that forces Characters to step out of Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself today to 'think' about what happened yesterday, as if it was My Duty to have a review, when in fact nothing happened inside of me and this is the point I then desired 'to think' about, having registered the non reacting as an anomaly, as out of Character and trying to put myself back into my own reactive Character because I am still not familiar with having such a huge blow up and not spending days 'thinking and tormenting ' myself about what I could have done differently or said differently to prevent such a blow up, which I failed to notice is The Clever Thinking Character that came up and I just walked straight into it for some solace in my own familiar thoughts and thinking patterns

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I felt shame FOR my mother and what she was trying to do when I saw the memories that she dug out for me to embody in the Character play that she laid out for me to walk, instead of realizing I felt shame about myself and what I have always done to others, pinning others to the Cross of their Characters through digging up memories of their past mistakes or failures according to my own definition of miss-takes and failures, living a Life of crucifixions, which I have never noticed before contains the word fiction, as in fact all these play outs, including the crucifixions are only imaginary of myself as The Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist facing the point that famiLie are not what we want to believe they are, a place of solace and unconditional acceptance, they are instead the first training ground for the Ruthless Character game, in which your Death is my Life, as Characters live to outplay each other to the last drop of blood, and that Love is the biggest Lie ever told to cover up what is Really going on within the family system as a way to hold everyone in place within the Imaginary Character Game of Memories of the Past, where the Past is Never Over, because we are and have become The Past in the Flesh and dontyouthink you are gonna get away dear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live as The Past, as Memories and for forcing others into The Past as Memories, chaining All of Us into this Character game, instead of letting go of the Past, because The Past is Over

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad today when I took the bait to replay everything that went on, yet I could strangely not bring up word for word of what my mother said, which I was always able to do in the past as a way of filing ammo for the next fight, which gave me both a sense of relief and a sense of loss as I see my own Characters losing the grip on reality and fearing myself having to step in as the Directive Principle of Myself to stand in and as Breath for What is best for All as Life and All of existence Equal and One

I commit myself to no longer participate in the fear for my future and in the fear of aloneness as I see, realize and understand that Fear is never Real but something I make up as Me as The Mind to keep myself in place and in Character

I commit myself to let go inside of me for good, the desire and the Hope for a good relationship with my mum, as that may come at the price of me having to live in Character and so this is the last choice I have to make about what I am willing to give up for Life that I believed was important, yet I am willing to give it up absolutely for Life and What is Best for All, even if it means having to accept that I am after that alone in the world, yet I am not Alone as I stand for and as Life and the ALLOness of All.

I commit myself to no longer take things personally, even when things are about Me, as I see realize and understand any Me that holds an opinion about Me to defend, is just a Character

I commit myself to stop the crucifixion of myself and Humanity, by holding myself and others within a limited Character play, using memories, words and moving my body specifically in ways to evoke emotions and feelings to move others in and out of Characters so that I won't have to fear standing Here in and as Breath out of the Character play

I commit myself to stop my existence as the Thinking Character as I see, realize and understand, that there is never a good reason 'to think about it' or 'go and review what happened' because The Past is what the word says PAST and I won't find ANY solution ever within me as the Thinking Character because ALL of my Characters are flawed, and Flawed Characters do not hold any solution that is best for Me and best for All, as they just hold what is best for them as Characters are just like the Money System and do not care about Life, and when I am in Character I do not care/I cannot care about Life as I can only care for myself as a Character in Fear for its own survival

I commit myself to stop the awkwardness I have embodied as 'what do I do now that I have no reactions? Am I normal? Am I alive', as I see realize and understand that I had defined being Alive as Energy and Energy movements within me but I am not in fact Energy and that it is OK that I will take some time to get used to move myself as Self Directive principle and not have Energy as Characters Moving Me, because I have seen, realized and understood that Energy is Not Life and has gone nuts and when I allow Me to be driven by Energy I am nuts too, and this has to Stop

I commit myself to stop my existence as an Energy System to birth myself as Life Here in and as Breath for myself and What is Best for All as Existence Equal and One