|The Birth of Venus by Sandro Botticelli (Photo credit: Wikipedia)|
My mum sent me a joke to which I reacted, it went like this
Berlusconi's daughter asks her father 'Dad, what is Love?' and he replies
'Love is when a man takes you to Venice, on a gondola, then takes you for a 5 star dinner, then to a 5 star hotel, buys you nice, expensive things, an apartment, a luxury car and looks after you financially'
'But Dad, what about feelings and emotions?'
'Oh Dear, that's Bullshit made up by Communists so they can fuck for free'
She then added, 'I have been a Communist all my Life !'
There are a few reasons why I reacted, one for sure is the ditching of 'feelings and emotions' since like my mother I have been 'mainly' a Communist and have given out sex for 'free' - but just in the sense not for a declared monetary value, the second because I traded sex for 'Love' which is not what 'the Communist do' but what the ones with No Money do to have sex.
We have a Global Sex market going on that we want to cover up with other names, Marriage, engagement, relationships and then, the cherry on the cake: 'Love'.
My student gave me a book to read to try and turn my Mind about 'Love' and my -obviously still attempts- to walk away from it, the book is called 'Love is a God', by Eva Cantarella, I have just read about 40 pages and the same discomfort of my mother's joke came up.
Really, who are we kidding?
This book is about Greek Mythology and summarizes all the 'Loves' that took place among the Gods, mainly Zeus so far who seemed to have a sex appetite second to none and would fuck anything he liked and then coveted either through subterfuge, kidnapping, shape shifting or whatever else he could come up with.
A few Goddesses are mentioned too, usually as victims of poorly handled relationships, like Medea, who got so angry with her husband for dumping her, after all she did for him, including cutting her brother in pieces and throwing him at sea to stop her fathers boat from following her as she run away with her Lover/Husband to be, that as a revenge she came up with an elaborate plan to make him suffer and the most effective thing she could come up with was to kill their children.
My student had already debated with me the point of 'how can anyone not understand Medea, come on, her husband was such a douchebag, after All She did For Him, he tried to dump her AND convince her he was doing it for her own good and the children's best interest - a real thorough bastard' - and he was too.
As I was reading this book I saw the play out of All the relationships Characters of Humanity, there is nothing the Gods used to do that we have not been up to ourselves in deceit and manipulation or in any other horrific way, thanks God we no longer have Zeus's power, Zeus only knows what we would have done with that disappearing and shape-shifting shit.
At the lowest levels of the food chain, we trade Sex for Love, again, not because we can't trade it for Money, just because there is No Money to trade it for, Sex is a commodity we use to manipulate each other and we have moved so far from ourselves as The Physical Body that we no longer understand Sex to be an expression of Self in and as The Physical, but a weapon, an asset, a stock to trade on the market where we exchange Sex for Money or Love as good feelings to chase away the fears we have about ourselves and this world and the lives we live and what we accepted and allowed ourselves to become.
Apparently we call that 'Love' and we respect it, as 'Love is a God', and so are We and what an image and likeness we are indeed.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress thoughts and memories of times in which I have clearly seen myself trade mySelf for Love or other things I perceived as "Valuable"
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live the construct of asking men to do things to 'prove their Love' ranging from waiting to have sex, to telling me something, to making me 'feel' something as I internalized fairy tales in which 'when a man loves a woman, he would do anything for her' and I lived testing this to get to those 'positive feelings ' of worth and value for myself to move out of the way I mostly perceived myself which was 'negative'
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear looking at the point of Love as a currency for trading Sex because I have judged this to be bad and I don't want to be a woman that traded sex for anything but prefer to imagine myself as above the sex trading that is happening everywhere, starting with me
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for trading myself as sexual expression for declarations of Love that were as empty as those I gave in return or to solicit another's declaration of Love for me so I could feel good about myself, even when those declaration were based on nothing substantial but were enough to provide the excuse and means for trading and for not feeling like I was giving out something 'of value' for Free.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive that as women we hold the sex game in our hands when I realized that the sex market was only one way and only men were buying it while we were the ones selling it and as such we were the ones to set the price for the sex transactions that would take place and if no money could be squeezed out of it in any form, then 'Love' would do as 'a payment' for the exchange of goods which were valuable because men seemed to want them and be willing to do more for sex than we were
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that those women who have not been playing the "Communist Game' and giving out sex for free, were in fact smarter as they ended up marrying the ones they did not give the goods to for free and marriage is another form of successful trade off on the sex market
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when meeting a man, assess what he can do for me, specifically if he shows an interest, because in that interest the trading has already started and I just had to hold on to the goods to make the price rise and if it rose to 'Love' than I would feel I had achieved something, that I got the value for the goods I was about to give out, and in this separation of myself into a Stock Exchange for trading mySelf in and as my body, I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imagine what I could get out of sexual games with men that I desired, which could be the 'Love' fix or something that ranked valuable on my lists of trade offs, such as being cared for, looked after and within this for never having expressed myself sexually beyond games and manipulations I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react to the joke my mum sent, because when she implied she has always been a Communist, meaning she never traded well enough for sex, I felt my own disappointment for not having traded sex as well as I could have and then the shame for having traded sex at all for value, acceptance and appreciation
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to buy into the idea, ideal, belief and delusion of 'Love' as something valuable, without seeing realizing and understanding that 'Love' was always One and Equal to Fear, with the same physical con-sequences I experienced when I went through fearful moments in my Life and so I duped myself twice with both the idea of Value of Love and the Idea of the Positivity of Love which I never experienced but only imagined because when I 'lived' the experience I always felt anxiety, fear of loss, desire to compete with other women to hold on to this point of Value I created for myself that I then had to hold on to in fear of feeling lessened and diminished
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself through the Imaginary experience of Love as fear and for wanting to hold on to this fear as Love fearing that I will no longer feel alive if I let it go, instead of seeing and realizing it is the letting go of it all that will make me real
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fail to notice that all our mythology about Gods and Goddesses and Love, which is the original blueprint for the follow up fairy tales, is just bullshit, as the first stories told about Love have nothing 'loving about them' but they describe our dishonesty, lust, desires, jealousy, vindictiveness, cruelty and utter disregard for each other and for Life and that those stories should have been told as a warning that we have not changed yet and not as examples of 'what Love really is', because 'Love' that doesn't support all equally in and as the physical and is not what is best for all, is not real
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of 'Love' for good, even though as I wrote in these past days I came to a fence and I realized that I could in fact cross it because there was nothing of value I would leave behind, and yet I still deliberately held on to the fence for dear life, fearing that I would not be me if I did let this one point go, and for standing in the way of my own freedom and of learning to stand on my own two feet, I forgive myself
I commit myself to keep writing about this point of Love until nothing moves inside of me when a trigger presents itself and to see that every step I am taking is an opportunity for myself to redefine what I have been and what I have participated in and as, and to change myself to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All, for myself and all of existence, Equal and One.