I have been working for a while on these point of Emotions and Feelings, not effectively obviously as there is so much coming up all the time some days I want to throw in the towel.
Through reading the blog of a friend about the Apocalypse Show of Derren Brown I was intrigued and watched it, and then watched another couple of his shows.
The fact that we miss our Mind Control and how easily we can be manipulated and led around just by words impulsed, flashed symbols, suggested scenarios, it's disheartening, it is not the Mind Control from the outside mind you, those are just triggers, it is what goes on inside.
The show that disturbed me the most among the couple I watched was 'The Guilt Trip' in which through creating first the emotion of Guilt in the participant, associating it with specific triggers, then at will, without a specific "Guilt triggering situation" but just by using the 2 triggers, one kinestetic and one auditive, the guy could be led so far as to admit a murder he did not commit.
This tied in with my afternoon, in which a friend came to visit me and raised the subject of job seeking and supporting myself and what I will do if I sell the house, asking for my plans and I felt this irritation mounting for all the wise advices and suggestions, which was NOT in fact an irritation at my friend but just at the subject she raised, a trigger, the point of jobless=shame=worthless. This is especially paramount in my life at the moment because I used to cover positions of responsibility and the shuffling around with a couple of students is not 'meaningful' enough' but that is not true either, is just not remunerative enough, because Money holds my Value, no Money=No Value=Worthless= Shame.
So I had my own little Derren Brown show today, in my own Home, all self created and when I reached the peak of the irritation I was glad my friend switched to talk about something else, about one of my ex partners, so I could make comments about him, take the heat off of me, participate in Gossip for the purpose of self relief, of getting myself off the hook of how I felt because if I didn't I would have to write about it and face this point, again, of how I have allowed Money to define me through the self manipulation of emotions such as worthlessness when I don't have it and Happiness when I have it.
And then we insist that we can move to a Money Free World when Money has become Who we are, the fibre of our very constitution, what occupies our Minds when we don't have it and even when we have it, as we then have to find ways to not lose it, to make sure we always have enough, and in all this we lose sight of the point that we could stop, reassess our World and turn it into a place that would support All Equally, so that the Fear and Shame connected to Not Having Money would no longer be there for anybody, because returning the Value and Worth of this World to Life would guarantee no one would ever have to experience themselves as 'less than' Worthy because of Money.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my emotions and feelings are important and what defines me as a Human being
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disturbed when I watched Derren Brown at the obvious realization of How Predictable we are, which means we are in no way Free or even ever making a Free Choice but are constantly and consistently impulsed to make choices that serve this system, until we STOP
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel irritated when M. brought up again the question of 'what will you do?" which implies job wise, because that triggers me into thoughts of my worthlessness as a non productive part of a system that says that you are worthy when you stand as a happy Bee and produce Money in the Equal measure to your Worth
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be triggered into worthlessness and shame because I don't have a job at the moment and for associating working to worth and pride just because I bought into the belief that that is How a Life is measured instead of seeing the Equal Value in every Life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to justify myself about being jobless because if I don't then I move into worthlessness and shame and I don't like this experience of myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain the backchat 'why don't you mind your fucking business' because I wanted to blame my friend for how I was experiencing myself due to having given in to a trigger of my own creation regarding a job and being jobless
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to happily move the conversation onto somebody else so by exposing the faults I perceive in another I could take off some of the heat I was experiencing and feel better about myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a puppet of emotions and feelings through which I keep putting myself into an experience of diminishment that then seeks upliftment through bringing others down
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as if 'my life is over' because I don't have a job and all my previous identity landmarks have fallen to pieces and I don't know how to function yet without all the props I had created for myself to navigate this physical experience
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I will do with my life and my future due to all the negative 'what if' I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with and that I allowed to accumulate into an apparent insurmountable mountain of energy that now has control over me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an emotional body on this topic of job/work and for then wanting to just walk away from it without taking the time to dissect where and how I have misplaced my value so I can take it back and move on in my life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in emotions and feelings, believing that I am my emotions and feelings and that I will never be able to move on because I don't know who I am if I don't 'feel' something and that due to the importance I have granted to my emotional life I fear not existing if I should stop to feel, including stopping to feel like crap most of the time
I forgive myself that I have accepted ad allowed myself to check how I feel not to make sure that I a stopping my participation in emotions and feelings, but to check 'how I am doing' because I have invested value in feeling good and now that I feel guilty about feeling good, I make do with feeling bad, but what if I stopped feeling bad as well, would that qualify as alive?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that flimsy energies such as emotions and feelings ruling my Life and myself, standing in the way of me becoming the Directive Principle of myself are not acceptable and that I have to let go this way of existing for good to know what is on the other side of the swing that keeps me too occupied to see reality for what it is
When and as I see myself moving into energetic experiences of emotions and feelings or seeking to move into energetic experiences of emotions and feelings to 'feel alive' I stop, breathe, remind myself that that is NOT what being Alive is about, that is in fact aLie, it is my own Mind Control kicking in and that when I am feeling anything, good or bad, I am for sure Not Breathing and I push to return myself to slow down and breathe
When and as I see myself desiring to 'feel something' as a meter of my aliveness, I stop, breathe, and see realize and understand that moving along in this process will have to be through My own directive will, that I will develop by pushing through this resistance to let go who I have been and how I have measured the effectiveness of my participation in this existence
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