Day 190: Mind Control - Emotions and Feelings

I have been working for a while on these point of Emotions and Feelings, not effectively obviously as there is so much coming up all the time some days I want to throw in the towel. 

Through reading the blog of a friend about the Apocalypse Show of Derren Brown I was intrigued and watched it, and then watched another couple of his shows.

The fact that we miss our Mind Control and how easily we can be manipulated and led around just by words impulsed, flashed symbols, suggested scenarios, it's disheartening, it is not the Mind Control from the outside mind you, those are just triggers, it is what goes on inside.

The show that disturbed me the most among the couple I watched was 'The Guilt Trip' in which through creating first the emotion of Guilt in the participant, associating it with specific triggers, then at will, without a specific "Guilt triggering situation" but just by using the 2 triggers, one kinestetic and one auditive, the guy could be led so far as to admit a murder he did not commit.

This tied in with my afternoon, in which a friend came to visit me and raised the subject of job seeking and supporting myself and what I will do if I sell the house, asking for my plans and I felt this irritation mounting for all the wise advices and suggestions, which was NOT in fact an irritation at my friend but just at the subject she raised, a trigger, the point of jobless=shame=worthless. This is especially paramount in my life at the moment because I used to cover positions of responsibility and the shuffling around with a couple of students is not 'meaningful' enough' but that is not true either, is just not remunerative enough, because Money holds my Value, no Money=No Value=Worthless= Shame.

So I had my own little Derren Brown show today, in my own Home, all self created and when I reached the peak of the irritation I was glad my friend switched to talk about something else, about one of my ex partners, so I could make comments about him, take the heat off of me, participate in Gossip for the purpose of self relief, of getting myself off the hook of how I felt because if I didn't I would have to write about it and face this point, again, of how I have allowed Money to define me through the self manipulation of emotions such as worthlessness when I don't have it and Happiness when I have it.

And then we insist that we can move to a Money Free World when Money has become Who we are, the fibre of our very constitution, what occupies our Minds when we don't have it and even when we have it, as we then have to find ways to not lose it, to make sure we always have enough, and in all this we lose sight of the point that we could stop, reassess our World and turn it into a place that would support All Equally, so that the Fear and Shame connected to Not Having Money would no longer be there for anybody, because returning the Value and Worth of this World to Life would guarantee no one would ever have to experience themselves as 'less than' Worthy because of Money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my emotions and feelings are important and what defines me as a Human being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disturbed when I watched Derren Brown at the obvious realization of How Predictable we are, which means we are in no way Free or even ever making a Free Choice but are constantly and consistently impulsed to make choices that serve this system, until we STOP

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel irritated when M. brought up again the question of 'what will you do?" which implies job wise, because that triggers me into thoughts of my worthlessness as a non productive part of a system that says that you are worthy when you stand as a happy Bee and produce Money in the Equal measure to your Worth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be triggered into worthlessness and shame because I don't have a job at the moment and for associating working to worth and pride just because I bought into the belief that that is How a Life is measured instead of seeing the Equal Value in every Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to justify myself about being jobless because if I don't then I move into worthlessness and shame and I don't like this experience of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain the backchat 'why don't you mind your fucking business' because I wanted to blame my friend for how I was experiencing myself due to having given in to a trigger of my own creation regarding a job and being jobless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to happily move the conversation onto somebody else so by exposing the faults I perceive in another I could take off some of the heat I was experiencing and feel better about myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a puppet of emotions and feelings through which I keep putting myself into an experience of diminishment that then seeks upliftment through bringing others down

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as if 'my life is over' because I don't have a job and all my previous identity landmarks have fallen to pieces and I don't know how to function yet without all the props I had created for myself to navigate this physical experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I will do with my life and my future due to all the negative 'what if' I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with and that I allowed to accumulate into an apparent insurmountable mountain of energy that now has control over me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an emotional body on this topic of job/work and for then wanting to just walk away from it without taking the time to dissect where and how I have misplaced my value so I can take it back and move on in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in emotions and feelings, believing that I am my emotions and feelings and that I will never be able to move on because I don't know who I am if I don't 'feel' something and that due to the importance I have granted to my emotional life I fear not existing if I should stop to feel, including stopping to feel like crap most of the time

I forgive myself that I have accepted ad allowed myself to check how I feel not to make sure that I a stopping my participation in emotions and feelings, but to check 'how I am doing' because I have invested value in feeling good and now that I feel guilty about feeling good, I make do with feeling bad, but what if I stopped feeling bad as well, would that qualify as alive?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that flimsy energies such as emotions and feelings ruling my Life and myself, standing in the way of me becoming the Directive Principle of myself are not acceptable and that I have to let go this way of existing for good to know what is on the other side of the swing that keeps me too occupied to see reality for what it is

When and as I see myself moving into energetic experiences of emotions and feelings or seeking to move into energetic experiences of emotions and feelings to 'feel alive' I stop, breathe, remind myself that that is NOT what being Alive is about, that is in fact aLie, it is my own Mind Control kicking in and that when I am feeling anything, good or bad, I am for sure Not Breathing and I push to return myself to slow down and breathe

When and as I see myself desiring to 'feel something' as a meter of my aliveness, I stop, breathe, and see realize and understand that moving along in this process will have to be through My own directive will, that I will develop by pushing through this resistance to let go who I have been and how I have measured the effectiveness of my participation in this existence

Related articles

• Day 102: Mind Control is Everywhere!
• Day 90 - Resistances are Feelings Influencing Me
• Day 182 Facing emotions and feelings,
• Day 134 Not Taking Things Personally

Day 189: Social Engineering - The Illusion of Choice

I am still walking my Food Persona as that is quite wide and has many facets to correct.

Within this today I knew I watched this great animation about Choice, which tied in quite nicely.

I will take this delusion of Choice into my relationship with Food to start with.

So, as a kid, my mum was raising me single handedly and we did not have Money for Choices, we just had enough Money to survive, she would shop for food once a week and I would watch the fridge empty out til the coming Saturday when we would shop at the Open market again. I did not like that, as toward the end of the week food choices would become limited, specifically because I had other choices in my life, I could go to my grandparents who lived comfortable lives and open one of their 2 always overflowing fridges or just go shopping with them to fill the cart with 'whatever I wanted'.

In Italian there is a saying my mum used to repeat to me 'The 'I want' Grass only grows in the King's garden', meaning I had no rights to 'wants' but only to 'needs'. On the contrary when I went to my grandparents I had plenty access to the 'I want' grass, they didn't only make it available, they pushed it on me, they were the Pushers of my Illusion of Choice.

As I started to walk back my Life in Self Honesty I had to face the fact that my grandparents 'Love' for me was in fact 'Spite' toward my mum, they enjoyed giving me what they were still not willing to give to her, they enjoyed the friction this created between me and my mum as that made them good when they feared to be bad and that they were the cause of some of my mum's mental problems, and they were too.

On my side walking back has brought me a lot of shame, as I saw and realized how I made up a whole bunch of Characters to cover up what I experienced for selling out my mum for Riches and the Illusion of Choice, for the Hope of my own place in the Paradise of the Rich, I would have dumped her anytime in the Money Short Hell she created for herself -this one of my justifications, she built the life that sucked and that she was now living out, why join in?-, but that was not enough, I had to make it her fault. These days when I read the comments on our posts about 'how good we are truly' I feel rage, not to the people that post the comment, to myself, that I could ever even believe it and cover up my misfits with Love and Light it took some balls, in truth my mum was the most caring of my Family which is why possibly she was the one struggling the most with Life, she would pick up stranded strangers, always step in to break a fight, she stood up for injustice so I feared that I might end up like her if I ever cared too much, with one foot in a Mental Asylum and a backstabbing family and made my choice. 

Stick to the rich backstabbers, keep your friends close but your enemies closer.

This of course drove my mum closer to craziness, sometimes she would try to make me give back what I was given by my grandparents or not allow me to go on special trips and treats, that was her way to try to lever the Field, to reduce the unfair advantage she perceived they had on me as she could not match the Money required to buy me out, my price had gone up on the Family stock market and she didn't have enough Money to sit and play.

Coming from a Catholic background I had to live with the perception of myself not as One of the bad Apostles, but as Two of them, I was both Peter and Judas, Peter as the traitor, every time I promised to myself I would stand up for my mum, but then like Peter, before the cock sang 3 times I was sold out, and then Judas for the freaking Sweets, give me my fix, give me my happiness in a candy wrap, I'll give you the woman you want, my life is safer with you anyway, what if she does end up in a Mental place and I have alienated you? No fucking way.

So, Food as the Illusion of Choice became the bag of the 33 dinars, food became the unhealthy thread that justified what I did and since I condemned myself for my sell out, in my own condemnation I kept this link alive, I con-damned myself to this servitude to Food, made it my Master and became its slave.

Where is the Free Choice in Our Lives, Really? Aren't we the product of our environment, of the information as 'genies' we download from our family line, of our society passed on and then embedded in the Flesh Fears for our own Survival,.

Where was my Free Choice to be something else, where is our Free Choice now when our Lives are tied into a Monetary system that thrives on the Illusion of Choice, showing us continuously how much Choice we have starting from Food, look you can have 350 types of cheese, 50 types of cereal, 200 types of candies, 300 types of drinks, we'll tell you which ones to buy by flashing into your brains Happy ads to show you Which Choices to make, follow the happy faces, the Happy dreams, the happy boxes, drawings, characters, follow the Illusion of Choice, it is deliberately created, Avracadavred into the World Harry Potter style, Believe It, you are SO FREE, look how much Choice you Have even only about FOOD, follow the next trend, the next white rabbit, because if you do wake up to the fact that that's about it, those are The Only Choices you are prompted and designed to believe you can make, not the Choices that Matter, like where is Public Money spent, on which Priorities, who says that arming a country to its teeth against Imaginary Enemies is a Priority and not a Mental Illness, don't go there, stay focused on Food, look what we cooked for you, grated, spiced up, minced, don't look at the substance, look at the Magic of It All, or this System runs the serious danger of being Fucked for good and asked to Change Once and for All.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a state of servitude between myself and Food in the name of my delusional, illusory Right to Free Choice

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the Food 'Choices' I was given by my grandparents were not meant for my good but for other energetic manipulative reasons that involved my mum and what was best for them and not what was best for me or my mum

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my grandparents loved me MORE because they gave me access to everything I wanted while my mum did not, ending up associating 'Love' with being given something, being rewarded, being pacified, abdicating my responsibility toward myself for Self Love and Unconditional Self Acceptance

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to sell out for Food and for perceiving and judging myself like a traitor and someone who did not deserve to live due to what I deliberately did to my mum by choosing my wants over what is best for all and for entering a spiral of embitterment that I believed could only be placated and sedated by Sugar and Sweets

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make up Characters and Personas to justify why I had a right to do what I did to my mum because I could not face the shame I felt for myself and how I would do it again and again just to stay in the graces of the rich people of my family and when the shame became too big I split into alternate personalities that had reasons and motives to justify my behavior

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to treasure my right to "free choice' without realizing that I was never Free and that I was choosing between poisons that my family would happily feed me to conquer me and my love in the face of the fact that the food I chose was not good for me nor supportive to my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent my mum cheap approach to shopping without realizing that she did not have a choice and she did what she could with the money she had, but since I had embraced my new "Rich Granddaughter Character" I grew in Entitlement and resentment in the same proportion, seeing my mum as deliberately NOT wanting to cater to my wants, unlike my grandparents, and therefore Not Loving me or she would have done it differently, she would have given me MORE and especially MORE choice, instead of just feeding me for sustenance without caring about my preferences and whims and desires

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my sense of Misery for having to return home from my grandparents home on her making Her responsible for the Choices that were not available to me at home, failing to see that my mum was just a slave in a system of Inequality and the fact that she tried to make her life work did not make her less than a slave, but just a slave who tried to survive day by day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my mum as someone who was doing something 'wrong' because if she was right, like my grandparents, married and rich, she would have a husband and more money and I would have had a better Life instead o the life of limited choices she could offer to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the system was fine and it was my mum out of whack, because this system worked for other people, like my grandparents, instead of facing the injustice of the system we live in, where a mother has limited choices and can be overcome, deleted, annihilated by others who have More Choices, because we are all secretly seeking our Right to Choose in Self Interest, instead of standing up for the Right of All to have access to the Same Good Choices and stop all suffering on Earth once and for All. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify this system, hoping that I would make it to the top, not like my mum who didn't and seemed to not even mind about it, instead of seeing that a System where some have All Choices and some none must be a System that is Not Right, and for deliberately missing out on this point even when faced by it inside my own Home, because it was easier to blame my mum for her underachievement than to stand in Self responsibility as a point of self correction to guarantee that a Dignified Life and Equal Choices will be available for All, and they will within an Equal Money System which I support unconditionally, for myself and All of Existence, Equal and One

Related articles

• Day 126 - There is No Choice
• Day 186: Social Engineering - The Downfall of Happiness
• Day 209: Quantum Systemization - ADC - Part 57
• The Missing Piece - Day 159
• Day 107: Getting Reality to Conform to an Illusion
• The Brands that Own the Brands & The Illusion of Choice [Infographic]