Day 50: I Fear Life Without Love

For the past week I have realized that I fear Life and living, extensively.

Maybe it was not such a bad idea when I gave myself horror dreams, at least I made sleep a place into which I did not want to hide, as it was worse than my life by far.

Yet in the past week I have fallen back into the pattern of I don't care, have never gone out for a walk or have done something physical, I just spent my day on the web dragging myself from one depression to another.

I am struggling with letting go all of the 'good feelings' and ideas I had about this world, I kinda liked 'Love' after All, it was a good place to hide, now I feel like a lab rat, I have nowhere to go and I am the mad scientist experimenting with my Mind, because I still associateand define myself and everything I do with and through my Mind.

My Mind has been a Huge Lifelong Investment, I have put in it knowledge and Information, Ideas and Beliefs and basically everything that I need to define myself and others, because I have for sure not yet let go of that need, it was so handy to scan someone and be able to put them in a box, having read, or believed to have read, efficiently the signs that would allow me to define 'who was who' and mainly what they were after, because I have I go this early, everyone is always after something, this is what our relationship are based on, they are for-getting Relationships, I was always one for-getting that I was moving into this world as a predator, seeing what I could get out of others and fearing what they would get out of me.

This week I have been catching up with Anu, again, some recordings are uplifting, some are depressing, not that Anu is doing anything To Me, it's ME, judging everything I hear, filing it under 'good' or 'bad', under favourable or contrary to some beliefs I held about myself and existence as a whole.

The one that I have not been able to digest for now is Anu's The Mind as a Spider Web, I found it diminishing and then I went on a saddy-go-round in my head about what is the purpose of what we are doing, why even try, why not just die and be deleted, who wants to live forever ?

Because for sure for what I have equated life up to now, living forever would be the least appealing thing I could be offered, I used to look at Death as Solace, the final break, OK, we get to live the shitty Life here, but then we move on to something better.

What if this is As Good as it Gets ?

I feel like crying, in fact I feel like the crying baby that Anu described in Either Life or Death , I am having a Mind tantrum, in a way I see the point he makes that is in fact a 'good place to be' as I have exhausted all options to be rescued to get out of here or to manipulate myself or others, I am here and I see that it's either me standing up for change or change won't happen.

Interesting because I have already faced this point with Pot, until one day Marlen told me that it was NOT going to happen that I would just magically drop it, as if the writing and the self forgiveness was a magic wand that when waved long enough I would just see the results, it was an act of Self Will that it was needed.

Self Will ? Never had that before, I actually prided myself in the idea that 'The Flesh is weak' and what 'can we do' but succumb to the desires and play outs of the Mind.

Yet, once I GOT THAT, I willed myself to stop, and it was not hard at all, because I had laid out the ground with SF and writing and then I just had to DO IT.

So here I am at the same point again, and now I am aware of this point that I resisted writing out because, it won't make Process look good for others, as if I should be a Saint showing that I am all resolved and look how far I have gone.

No, process is me living out the corrections, especially the ones I do not want to talk about as me shuffling my feet around, hoping to go back to sleep, just doing the minimum necessary to make sure I am alive but far from living, so back to Self Will, I will myself to stop the way I have lived until now, it's not a matter of how long have I lived like this (because this is another one of my favourite Mind trick, putting everything in a Time context, to PROVE that it will take time to undo what I have done for so long), yet I gave up smoking pot in one single act of self will after 25 years, after dedicating my life to Pot as a lover, a friend, a companion I would never give up, I gave it up.

So, stopping the cry baby in and as me and getting on with living, because really, there is nowhere further down to go from Here and beLieving that I cannot stand up is ridiculous and just an excuse for me to walk away from facing consequences.

Yes, I dislike consequences, I have made a run from almost all of the consequences I should have faced in my life, yet they always caught up with me, so here I am, facing the con-sequences of my existence, standing up to change my excuse of a life for living, supporting myself in and as Breath until I stop existing as a Mind System, returning myself to the Physical and Substance to give myself what I waited for all my life to be given by others, real self care and self support while I accept myself unconditionally whatever comes up so I can move in and as self correction and stop looking to be given, granted and gifted what I am not willing to give myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to conveniently forget that Self Will is required for me to stop the patterns of laziness I have existed in and as

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be disgusted at myself for how ineffective my life has turned out to be , instead of seeing it's just as effective as I decide to make it, life is not happening to me, I am accepting and allowing patterns of behaviour to drive me instead of self directing myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that what we are facing is too big and too extensive to be tackled while having a life, instead of seeing that the point of Process is to in fact get to have a Life that I have never had before

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what lies ahead of us as humanity as I look around and see no awareness that there is something flawed with the world but acceptance of the world as it is, instead of seeing that I fear my own acceptances and allowances of me as I am, having supported the idea and belief that I am unable to change and that people don't change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that people don't change making it unnecessarily more difficult for me to change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire change to happen to me instead of standing up as Self Change through Self Will, One Breath at the time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in Mind tantrums as a way to justify why I feel damned, instead of seeing no one has damned me but myself, having con-damned myself to live a life of abusive patterns when I could have stopped and stood up for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear a world without Love, because I enjoyed boarding the Love Boat even if occasionally as a point of Solace and now that I gave up Love for Life I don't get the same feel good/energetic reward and I feel I have been had by my choice

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to motivate myself through energetic rewards of either feelings/emotions, money or sex, to DO something instead of standing up and Will myself as my own Self Directive Principle, to do what I can see needs to be done for me to stand as Self Correction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad about letting Love go and for all the Love Posts that I read within our groups that I judge as if we were bashing Love and diminishing it, instead of seeing I feel sad to let go a long term delusion I have enjoyed to define myself with, so I could believe to be 'good' and loving

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be good and for using the empty word of 'Love' to get away with anything I did because ultimately, I was a loving person

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a good and loving person

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting Love go because when the idea of Love is gone from this world I am left with the world as it is, a place of suffering that needs to be corrected not with Love but with giving to each other what we would like to receive, which is a dignified Life for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Life believing that Life is what I have done so far, and that if THIS is Life the last thing I want is to live forever

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the loneliness of me as The Mind in which I allow myself to dwell in separation from Self as Life and everything that exists

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel depressed instead of realizing and seeing that depression is a choice I make so as to justify why I am not standing up through an act of Self Will and changing myself into an effective Human being

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Eternal Life because I fear I may have to exist like this forever walking backward the consequences of a life of abuse of myself and others until I undo what I have created while seeking self gratification and self satisfaction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I will never be happy until I commit to something greater than me which is to bring about a World that is Best for All where Life can be born and the suffering of our separation can end for all of existence, One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposing that I am going through a rough patch because I fear what others will give me as a feedback, which is that I am going through my own created rough patch and that it doesn't need to be this way, unless I make the choice to struggle through process because I do not support myself effectively in and as Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being told what I already know but don't want to act on because Change is Difficult

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel irritated when I read some comments of our Group stating exactly this, that change is difficult only if we believe it is and make it so, because I fear they may say this to me and I know this already but I rather embrace the belief that Change is difficult so I can justify why I don't change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as ineffective instead of seeing I have done this before in my life, to accumulate ineffectiveness to rock bottom and from rock bottom make the change, when now I see I could teach myself to stop the rock bottoming of my life as a push for change, if I become effective with the Self Will action of willing myself to do something and being the self Directive Principle of My Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear becoming effective at Self Will, in fear I won't have anything to hide behind anymore and that whenever I don't change I will clearly only have myself to blame for, while now I can blame patterns and time I engaged in them for my being ineffective

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposing a point that was really important for me to write out because I withhold my self support in favour of an Image I like to project about myself as someone who is walking diligently and not mind fucking myself consistently

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the judgements of others about my mindfucks instead of seeing I just fear my own self judgement about my not being effective in standing up in and as Self Correction, to finally do what is best for me and what is best for All, One and Equal

When and as I see myself postponing a necessary change of a pattern that is not supportive for me, like laziness and shuffling around without a purpose, I stop, Breathe, support myself by writing a diary of an effective day and then stick to it so I can make this change happen as I have done before, no longer delaying what I see requires to be done

When and as I see myself desiring to disappear from the world, in the hope I will not have to face myself, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that I am here and there is nowhere to go and so I just have to get on with my self correction because what I dread is eternity WITH ME, which means I have to change this ME into what I can stand in and as for eternity

I commit myself to change this pattern of being ineffective at life that I allow myself to drag me into pits of despair, while I could just stand up and through Self Will, will myself to Change into an effective Human Being, without a motivation or a reward, to which I have patterned myself to, but through my own Self Directive principle to do what is best for me and best for All

I commit myself to stop my justifications about why I can always change tomorrow and instead stand up Here in Breath to make this Change happen so I will stop fearing living as a play out of self abuse and self suppressing patterns and start living.

Day 20: A Future of Fear

When I looked for a picture to represent what I am going through I found this one with the caption 'Why people love being scared' ? Which is for sure a pertinent question with what has been going on inside of me.

I can see a few points all interlinked

• I fear knowing my future or my responsibilities, the ones I seemed to have agreed to and I don't know about

• I am having troubles with the posts "Heaven's Creation" and the interviews about the Money System (Soul of Money) as when I read them I want to skip along and I can't read them out loud because I feel I'm just as delusional as when I believed in LOA, how can I take responsibility for what I cannot remember I have done or for what I cannot see linked to me yet ?

• moved into paranoia when listened to Joao interview from which I immediately took out what could burden me and used it to burden myself

Then I spoke to my Buddy and the issue started to become clearer

• when I went to check on Veno's Resonance articles regarding a pain I have had in my back recently, I finally saw it clearly, I have huge resistance to dig into reality in all its aspects, I fear it and as well I find it horrific, I fear facing my own anger and resentment for what is going on, for where we find ourselves, for the others in the Group who don't have it, who seem to have accepted the horror movie we are living as Mind Consciousness System with flair, they seem to have said, Ah, OK, we have been put into an Enslavement Design, that's fine, please supply the map to get out. What about having been into this shit hole for eons to allow Heaven to go on undisturbed, what do we do with that, we sit and listen to Anu and feel grateful for the keys to get out, where is the rightful Anger and indignation ?

I fear digging into the rabbit hole in fear of facing my anger, which I have just realized is huge, I have suppressed it all, the shock, the anger, the wanting to scream and kick something, yet I see that this very participation is the root of my Anxiety, part of what is not allowing me to relax and just walk, it is the fear of facing the anger of me, the anger at me for finding myself into this situation, for having weaved a lethal web around myself and others just for the pleasure to participate in high and lows of a demented games of value, I feel Insignificant and I wonder how will I get out of all of this, of this feeling of not even existing.

Yet I see I have taken process into my dreams, I do self Forgiveness in my dreams so I know I am in no way walking away from process, but I am angry, at me as process, because if I did not fuck up I wouldn't be in process at all, I would be Self Expressing and not playing Sherlock Holmes into my Life of which a lot of memories are blurred and I fear I can't find the way out of this maze.

I reread my writings and I can see, I'm fucking with myself, in my fear of not facing my anger I am preventing myself from expanding, from having more capacity as I keep myself pre-occupied and in-capacitated with the Past and the Future and I'm not Here, in the only place where my power to change myself and the world to what is best for All is Real as only Here I exist, out of the Mind, in my walk in and as Life, giving as I would like to receive Life to Myself and All existence, One and Equal.

So I start with for-giving Anu, and the other races involved in this and the silly Atlanteans who believed they had to be led by something in separation of themselves/ourselves, and I see that this is what created this mess, the separation and the lack of self direction, so I stop participating in my mind regarding the Past that is not real, and the Past of our creation which is Here to be forgiven so I can move consistently and stop the Anger that I feel for me, for my idiotic desire to have someone else stand up for me, so I can stand up for me and walk, I stop my participation in re-sent-ment, this word yesterday flashed in my head in Italian Ri-Sentimento, meas to feel again and then I saw this point of fuck up, in which I hold myself feeling the same stuff over and over again, which means I must be having the same thoughts swirling and twirling in my head to produce the same Ri-Sentimento and I stop, I see that what I feel for others is my creation, I have been jealous of the other Destonians who have dealt with this point more effectively than me, hence I did not want to look at it and say it, write it, for me to see, where I am stuck in a loop of festering emotions that I use to not allow myself to break free, and I stop, because breaking free from my own limitation is what I have committed to, for myself and All of Existence for and as What is Best for All, Equal and One.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my Anger and Shock for our Creation and for directing it outside of myself as a way of not having to face it in Self Responsibility and see that if All is Equal and One and I am the Created, I am the Creation and the Creator as well and it is only due to my existence of separation that I fail to see clearly the points explained and walked in the Blogs of Heaven's Journey to Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear my Future as a way to keep myself enter-tained in and as the Mind because I fear my Past and I don't want to look at it in self Honesty so I can equalize myself to it and let it go through Self Forgiveness and Self Correction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I'm unable to see the points explained in heaven's Blogs because they are unrelated to me instead of seeing I fear to face my past in fear of the common sense I may see as the outflowing consequences I have to walk ahead of me to break free

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use Fear as a way to keep myself from walking through a point because fear prevents me to see what is laying underneath that needs to be addressed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own Fear which is just the Fear of looking at myself and what I have reduced myself to playing this game of winner and losers hoping to win without realizing that unless we walk in Oneness and Equality we are all losers

I forgive myself for accepting myself to desire to win in fear of losing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take something out of context with the purpose of finding an ammunition to shoot myself with, instead of applying myself in breath while I approach interviews and vlogs so I don't have to drag myself through them in my Mind generated Fears

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I boarded a train to Life and I am hanging from the back of this train running in Full Speed without giving myself credit for having in fact made the decision to board this train as me and not as something that 'happened to me'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear I will walk away from this process because I do not allow myself to trust myself that this is a decision I have in fact made and I'm not turning back

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear knowing my responsibility as Life to Life in fear I won't be able to stand in and as it and I will fuck up process for everybody else

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to know what my responsibility is as a point of specialness that me as Ego can use to boost myself into finding 'purpose to my existence'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the losing of my ability to move myself in and as emotions and feelings because this is what I have been all of my life and now that I have to self direct myself  I feel lost and sometimes not up to the task

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel jealous of other Destonians who have not manifested this point but only the Joy of process because I allow myself to feel inadequate just because I was not wiling to look at the point of Blame of my emotions onto Creation, which is still onto myself, so I could release it and move with more ease

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing Jealousy about process inside of me due to my own accepted and allowed judgements of how others are walking their process when in fact I know fuck all about how things really are for each one of us and what each one of us is walking to the same shared common goal of Life One and Equal for everyone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself to be able to stand because I accept and allow myself to live in and as the past of my fuck ups, instead of seeing that each breath I take is an opportunity to start new and it's in THIS very breath that I make new statements and commitments about who I AM and then walk that point into Life as Life as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make this process unnecessarily difficult for myself when I could have just kept walking and not allow myself to get distracted by my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my insignificance and losing myself while I see I can lose only what was never real and I am as insignificant as I allow myself to be within my mind, while when I bring myself back Here in Breath I am not in the Mind and expanding myself and my capacity with each Breath I take that is not Energy based but Life based

When and as I see myself tormenting myself or about to torment myself about my 'process performance, I stop, breathe, remind myself that there is no schedule to meet or performance table and that I just need to keep walking, One point at the Time, with no Blame for myself or others, with no Re-sentment for Myself or others, with no Anger for Myself or others, because we must have all participated or we would not be here and as I got myself here now I can get myself out of the here and now of the Mind, into the Here of Life, where Life has always been stable and One, waiting for everyone to come Home.

When and as I see myself looking for points of comparison to see how I am doing, I stop, remind myself of Marduk's interview about Process and walk mine, with no comparison or fear, One and Equal to the process of everyone, yet walking my own road back through my own fuck ups that cannot be measured or compared but just walked backward until all that remain is Here, as Life One and Equal

I commit myself to stop pretending to be afraid as I know Fear is not real and that I am using it for self manipulation, instead I keep walking, for myself, for existence, until All is Free, One and Equal and Life can be born in and as the Physical.

Day 19: The Reward World of the Underdogs

Yesterday I watched the documentary The Trap,

The point that stood out for me was the point of "Humans cannot trust each other", it tied in nicely with something I wrote yesterday and a few days ago and a movie I watched recently called 'The Keeper".

In my neighborhood people were mainly poor and lacked an education and their parents lacked the perspective that an education is of any importance at all, since Life is just about getting what you need and want, everybody is dishonest in some ways and 'You can't trust anybody".

Since violence was the accepted way of settling disputes, starting at Home, it was who was willing to be the most violent and most ruthless that would get the prize, the prize could be drugs or money or both.

Many parents had given up on the idea of a dignified Life and would make do with anything just to survive.

One of my girlfriend's mother would take Money from 'older men' she spent time with, she was not a prostitute on the streets or an escort, she had a job and a 'regular' life' and had this extra income on the side as my girlfriend told me nonchalantly, and when I was 26 and I had a boyfriend that was 52 she asked me why didn't I take money from him (he was a fit 52 years old, good looking and broke, so I am in no way stating I would not have and I was better than her mum, I just did not have the need to have to think this one out) like her mum was doing, because men are supposed to help us, basically accepting to reduce our lives to an exchange system of values, not different from the stock market, where beauty, education and everything we 'owned' and believe to be, could be traded for 'points' and then the points could be traded for money.

My mum paid me to change the closets between summer and winter, I still remember the first time she offered money to me to do something I would have done for free, because rewards are not only Money based, they are emotionally based as well, if we do something 'good' and 'right' at home, parents will make us feel good about ourselves.

Of The Trap  Documentary I liked the part when Lang discovered that it was the secret games happening at home that could lead one to mental problems, those secret games are the Energy games, the feelings and emotions we trade on the Stock Market of Life.

In the movie 'The Keeper', a sergeant of the American police, kidnaps a stripper, and locks her into a cage in his basement for reeducation, applying his father educational system, the Points system, which was the absolute carbon copy of the Reward System, every action, word, attitude, behaviour was valued on the Reward System board based on Points, and in the movie he states it out clearly 'I did not do that because I'm a good person, I did it for the Points', in the movie the point of The Points was exaggerated and given a life of its own that the child had breathed into and as Life and as Himself, the sins of the fathers living on.

Underdogs have a Points system too, they are promised a reward for accepting their underdog lives, religion is one of the underdogs points system, we are told that even if we have nothing 'as points' to exchange, no beauty, no culture, no education, we have Hope, Hope is a reward system, you can at least Hope to be rewarded, to make it across the line between the "Have it All" and the "Have Nothing At All" (if not here in the Afterlife, hope goes on after Death), this is the Underdog Urban Legend, 'even you can make it to the reward' of feeling good and having a safe life, just keep trying, do whatever you need to do, some make it, look, here comes another Underdog story, and with this pacifier even the Underdogs don't want a system change, because they may make it after all, they might collect enough Points to trade for a decent life, they have worked out how the system works and they are saving Points, sometimes they collect the Fear of others, that too can be traded for something that gives them Points, like sex or money.

My neighborhood was a reward system based on the Poor's perception of what a reward is, having no access to the good feelings that are generated by feeling safe, loved and having money, the good side of the polarity of life and living mainly in and as the negative emotional polarity of existence, getting the money or the drugs to even out and balance the emotional lives of horrors they lived at home was not a desire, it was a need.

 

We live in a society that creates People with Mental Problems, and then we put Shame on the Mental Problems that are  guaranteed just by being born in this world.

Are the mental health professional sane ? Unlikely, how could they be ?
In the documentary (the Trap) a renowned Psychiatrist admitted himself to a Mental Institution when he discovered he heard voices in his head and realized, he had created those voices that were now talking to him and the stories he had made up to sustain them were no longer working.
He could no longer pretend All was fine Within His World.

We need to create a world where we teach each other about a Value System that is NOT based on emotions and feelings and rewards, but on Life values and What is Best for All, we need to step out of the delusion of Polarity to allow a different world to manifest, we need to trust that another Humanity is possible, that we can trust each other if each one of us can trust Himself/Herself, so we start to change ourselves to prove to ourselves that if I can Change, the World can Change, One and Equal to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be spoilt by a reward system from childhood

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to believe that living is about being re-warded for living and not just about Life itself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trade on the Reward System market who I Am in exchange for what I was supposed to be to have rewards

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was not enough and I needed Points to make myself valuable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was not good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be more than others just to be good enough to be rewarded within the world reward system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear mental illnesses and being a mental case when I realized the world is insane and we are all mental cases

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire rewards for everything I do, think, say because I have accepted Life as a reward system and I have not yet stopped consistently my participation in and as a reward system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad because I don't feel happy anymore when there's the sunshine as in energetic happy and I am at a loss about how to move myself if not through an energy motivation/reward

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to motivate myself through energy and intuition to move instead of being the directive principle of my life making decisions based on what is best for All and then walking my decisions Breath by Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and thus fear that if I don't feel energetic movements within me to motivate and lead me I am not alive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am Energy and not Life and for accepting and allowing myself to built myself as a network of energetic relationships to pretend I am alive when I buzz in and out of energetic movements, giving up the stability of me existing Here in every moment of Breath as Life without any movement or reaction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to call people who were not as reactive as me 'emotionally impaired' instead of seeing I was the one impaired by emotions and feelings

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I have emotionally impaired myself due to my extensive participation in thoughts, emotions and feelings as a way to feel Alive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trade Life for Energy and for abusing myself in the process up to physical abuse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cringe every time someone told me of how they managed to get a child to do something through a reward, because I have not forgiven myself for accepting and allowing myself to live a life of rewards from childhood

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose myself so much into the reward system that I have been unable to support others one and equal in not passing on to children this disease even though I could see that it was a key point in our problem but not how far the rabbit hole went

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept that a Life of rewards is acceptable and that rewards define who I am as the points in the movie "The Keeper"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire/need to be rewarded as a way to define myself and see if I am doing well or poorly

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept myself to be and become a reward system for others as well, applying the same principle of the reward game to my energetic interaction where I would reward the worthy with 'good feelings' and the unworthy with 'bad feelings' based on their alignment to my desires and expectations

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad every time my mother wants to give me something as I have always seen and still do the movements behind the giving because they are my same movements of reward and manipulation for which I For-give myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to aspire to some 'normality' that I could not define because normality is rewarded and ab-normality as I felt within all these energetic movements is punished with the label 'mental case/nutcase' and sent to a mental institution or put on medication

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I may have my mum's mental problems growing older and for fear of growing older and having to face mental instability

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the mental state we share in this world is 'normal' and we have to work to accept it, instead of seeing there is something clearly wrong here because I feared investigating reality and discovering it's all a big fat lie.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and the  people in my neighborhood for what each one of us did to get to the reward board that then we passed on as a life system, some through the education of their children and some like me through their working endeavours

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spread the reward disease into the working place marrying reward models as a way to have people work because I did not trust anyone would do anything for free just for what is best for all, because I would not

When and as I see myself desiring a reward to define myself I stop, breathe, remind myself that if I am seeking a reward I am not Here in Breath where Life One and Equal is the Reward in every moment of Breath

When and as I see myself desiring to manipulate others into an emotional/feeling reward system I stop, breathe, remind myself that I am just pushing them on one or the other side of the reward polarity and I am feeding an addiction, instead I look for the right words to express my new stance on reward and why I no longer participate in and if required

When and as I see myself demonizing rewards, like the points I get for shopping that give me money discounts, I stop, breathe, remind myself that the points are not the problem, it is who I am within the reward system when and as I believe myself to be One and Equal to the value points I collect and move myself up and down on my own self designed and self assigned Reward Board within emotions and feelings to match my value/points imaginary board,  and that I am walking to become stable Here in every moment of Breath out of the Polarity game in and as Life One and Equal in and as What is Best for All

I commit myself to stop my life as a Spoilt Child of the Reward System, to no longer use for myself or others Rewards as a motivation to stand, move and do what needs to be done and What is best for All, as Life, as One and Equal.

Day 12: The Con of Compliments

Today I saw myself react to a 'compliment' about my character, it was subtle yet I could remember having had the same movements in the past as well and dismissing them as 'pleasant anticipation'.

The reason is that while I look for compliments, I fear them as well, because I see that compliments became brick of beliefs that contributed to consolidate my personalities in and as myself as my beLIEfs about 'who I am' specifically because compliments are meant to make us feel good, and since we designed ourselves always looking for that 'high' they are hard to dismiss.

So while I was listening today to my friend talk and I saw the language build up leading to a compliment, I tensed, yet I waited for the treat, to see what was there of good that my friend wanted to say and share about me and who he thinks I am.

I found that I have never really enjoyed compliments, as in every compliment in my life I saw how I had designed that moment and led the person up to it to confirm me as a personality.

While I was choosing the topic to write about in this mainly uneventful day, I saw an invitation in my mail that said "Join us, many Personalities will be there !", I had never before noticed the word 'personalities' in the context I saw it today, which was pretty awful, meaning, we gather together and build relationships for the sole psycothic purpose of building and maintaining personalities we believe in and we may convince others about, the rules of engagement are clear yet unspoken, I will believe in your personality, and support it, and you will believe in mine, and support it.

Just before my breakdown shortly before Desteni I had become aware we were in a personality play, this is a bit complicated to relate in one go and I will expand about it, but one thing made it very clear, the fact that people with multiple personality disorders, had personalities with different allergies, sharing the SAME ONE BODY.

That proves that our diseases are NOT physical, but personality related, mind related as personalities are our mind's creations, and when we switch from one personality to another, we affect our physical at many levels, we basically abuse ourselves as the physical, while we superimpose on it our personalities, and then we move in the world as if this was a stage, missing out the Physical reality we all share, One and Equal.

My personality play had become extensive, we know that we shift continuously between our imaginary accepted and allowed 'roles', we behave differently as a friend, daughter, student, sister, mother, granddaughter, and every shift we make, is a moment we miss Here, where the wholeness of ourselves exists One and Equal with the Physical, but we gave it up, believing we were never good enough to just exist as Self Expression and we made up a whole imaginary world in which we role play ourselves to Death, Literally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be a Personality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build acceptable personalities through which I role play myself to Death, because I feared existing Here as Self Expression in simplicity in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it's handy to have different personalities to interact with others, instead of realizing that each personality I design is a step further into separation from me Here as Self Expression

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have multiple personalities so everyone will find something to like about me, because I feared not being liked and not being good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is important that others 'like me' because I have not yet accepted myself unconditionally so I designed personalities that others may like making myself believe I am accepted by others instead of facing the point that I have not yet accepted myself unconditionally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT accept myself unconditionally and for not accepting others unconditionally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'conditions' must be met to be accepted and for designing personalities that fit such 'conditions' instead of looking at my creation point and Self Correct

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and allow conditions that I must fit into to be acceptable, instead of accepting myself unconditionally Here as Self Expression in every moment of Breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support others' personalities so they would support mine and we could keep going into and as the self delusion of the mind, pretending to support each other while we are just all supporting each others' 'ideas' and personalities of ourselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire a compliment to confirm my personality and to fear a compliment because I can now see it's another brick in support of my personalities delusion

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel tension in anticipation of a compliment that I can see it's coming because I fear I will be pleased and in that moment of feeling good I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and as the delusion of the Mind of emotions and feelings

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be 'pleased'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am not good enough to stand in and as Self Expression Here in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be more than Life as Self Expression through my delusional personalities play out

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to 'be somebody' because within and as this desire I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I was not enough in and as Self Expression Here in every moment of Breath

When and as I see myself desiring or about to desire to be more by telling stories about me as a Personality, I stop, breathe, realize that personalities are Not real and I am giving up my Fake Life for Life Here, Equal and One in every moment of Breath

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into comparison about 'other personalities' I stop, Breathe, remind myself that mine or others personalities are not real, so in support of myself and to others One and Equal I stop formulating compliments to consolidate others' personalities as I stop desiring compliments as a way to validate myself

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into the desire for self validation, I stop, breathe, remind myself that only the Ego needs and desires to be validated and that I am stopping my existence in and as Ego for What is Best for All, One and Equal

I commit myself to becoming aware of my personalities plays so that I may take on one point at the time into investigating and  deconstructing myself, until only what is real remains, Life, One and Equal in Self Expression in and as Breath as What is best for All.

Day 9: Death of a friend

I had 2 experiences in my Life with the Death of a friend, 3 in fact, two were real, and one was not, for the non real one, she did die too, but just in my mind.

I had a dream about her, twice in two days, I had read the Blog on Regret , and how to let it go, or better, how to not let it go until we make sure we clear that point that prompted the regret who is actually always with us reminding us how we live, what goes on in our secret mind, prompting us to stop, while we keep going, muffling it up, putting a cushion on its head to not hear the regretful screams, I did not get it two days ago, I'm on a delayed train, I do get things, just a little slower, they have to sink in when I am not watching to understand the point with my mind, to force it down my throat in the usual act of  forcing what could be seen clearly in awareness effortlessly, I'm still a living fight with myself on my way to correction, so something must have compounded and I dreamed about the non-dead-but-Dead-to-me-One, as a clear point of suppression.

In my dreams, we were still friends, I noticed how I cherished that feeling of 'safety' of a space where I was really wanted around, appreciated, special.

I cannot recall the details but I know it has to do with regret, funny because when I read the regret script and it talked about relationships, it went over my head, my mind said, 'you don't have relationships' which is true as in 'sentimental/ romantic relationships', I don't really consider Friendships as relationships as in the context I have read, due to the way my mind translates the word in Italian, which is related more to sex, more intimate, more exclusive, instead friendships are relationships, and both are just ships one boards to deny the truth that we are alone in this journey, that we have to face the fact that until I can trust me, I will never ever be able to trust anyone, and until I stop to fear me I cant' stop fearing You.

To add some benevolence here I can say I felt less for my friends that died, they died, our friendship never imploded, it did not have time, it was not the same, they did not leave behind a gap of guilt and shame and a sense of loss, they simply died, there is no refusal in death as in life, they did not die to spite me, we spite in life as we move along our ideas of ourselves and do whatever it takes to keep them alive, to keep our sense of worth alive in separation from who we are as Life.

When the friendship with my girlfriend ended, I had a difficult time with myself, one of my primary mind relationships no longer existed and I found it hard to find a balance of me without THIS specific mind relationship that had defined ME for over 10 years, our friendship defined who I was, in her friendship I could reflect my imaginary worth as an Ego, my imaginary goodness and benevolence and she could do the same, then one day the castle of cards imploded and I was alone again, the truth is it ended when she became close to my ex husband, and I moved into jealousy as I feared he would become friend with her as he had not been with me, honest, while our marriage was based on huge dishonesty from both sides, that I shared with my friend, so the fear came as well, that my secrets would be exposed, that what I shared with her in more honesty than I reserved for anyone else, would now be an open book to my ex husband and that he would be able to flip the pages of me, and read what he had never understood and that I failed to express and explain, and this was not OK.

My friendship was based on the containment of secrets, this is why as well when I wrote her a very hurtful letter that I closed with a spiteful line to say 'you see, now I want to harm you as much as you harmed me', which is the epitome of my delusion, in fact she was the cracking point of my delusion, very specific, Because I could not believe anything I wrote to her as I saw all the underline movements of backchat that led me to that point, yet her reply was even more stunning, as I meant I had already done plenty harm with my letter, while she read it as a threat that I would expose HER to her husband. Is this because she did in fact expose me and in our spitefulness and retaliation we believe getting even is an eye for an eye ? an I for an I ? Did she think I would do that because of who I was, or because of who she was ? Or because of who we were ?

In that I saw the point that we are never friends with anyone, we are just the great pretenders and we would do anything we need to do to survive as personalities, an I for an I, there was a purpose to her friendship with my ex husband that did not include me, that made me feel pushed aside because the feeling good of each one of us is what we are really after and not the fluffy goodness we talk about, that one is fake, it's a cut throat world, and it's always been, better you down than me, she did to me what I did to others, including her husband even though i told myself I was more decent, reality is there is no decency in what we do to win a position on the planet as Egos, where if I lose I don't exist and so I win, regardless of how many deaths I live in my wake, so why do we condemn capitalism when capitalism is the Capital I through which we move and face every single thing in our world ?

I stop the Capital I to walk a process that is Best for All, the Capital I will be corrected as Me and as Me the correction will reflect back as the World, One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself in and as relationships in my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give more value to the relationship of and as my mind than to myself and for looking for worth outside of myself as I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am worthless

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel worthless when my friendship with C. ended

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and ashamed for my behaviour due to having allowed a backchat to take the driving seat of my life as me and hurting someone else

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can hurt someone else when I see I can only hurt myself and others can only hurt themselves within the bubble mind reality in which we have separated

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret what I did when I was fueled and motivated by anger that I justified because of something someone did to me instead of taking responsibility for my anger, stop it and stand up to correct myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire we were still friends with C. because her friendship was a good mirror in my life although a delusional one, but we had managed to walk the tightrope of con-vincing each other we were good people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to 'be good'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress what I felt after our friendship broke up because I would have to face my own judgement of myself to self forgive it and let it go but I rathered suppress it so I would not have to face myself and stand as the correction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use drugs, alchol and food to suppress when the back chat and the consequent emotional typhoon became too much to handle

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that my friend raised a spoiled brat just because I imagined I would have done a better job as a mother, even though I knew I would have fucked up royally as a mother which is the reason why I did not have children

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss my friend and what I beLIEved we had

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to make her suffer in spitefulness because I believed she made me suffer and she had to pay for it, even though I never admitted this was the reason why I wrote such a nasty letter

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that spitefulness is normal when we are faced with let downs because I embraced my culture teachings of passion and revenge

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Scorpio are revengeful and since I am a Scorpio I must be revengeful

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live One and Equal to spitefulness, manifesting spitefulness in and as the world I have created through my acceptances and allowances

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not forgive myself on this point about my friend, to spite and punish myself for what I have done

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and shameful for talking about my best friend with other friends after our fight so I could make it clear She drove me to this point and it was her fault and she was the one to blame, while I could see I did not want to take responsibility for what went on between us to stand up and correct myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty when my friends in HK told me that it was clearly C.'s fault and they always wondered why and how I could stand that she had become close friend with my ex, because I did not stood up for her to say I was the one who encouraged it because I wanted to show that I was worldly and not petty as I really was

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as spiteful and petty as bad, instead of seeing that everyone that participates in and as the mind is petty and spiteful and I'm Equal in the fuck up and I'm now equalizing myself to live in and as the correction to walk out of the Mind and birth myself in and as the physical One and Equal as Life

When and as I see myself entertaining my back chat about someone I know, I remind myself that  I no longer participate in gossip, outside with people or inside my mind, as I do what I like to receive and gossiping is not the reflection of the world of support I want to correct myself into and correct the world into One and Equal as me

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into spitefulness, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I no longer want to participate in spitefulness of the small or the big kind and breath myself back Here until I no longer think or feel spitefulness for anything or anyone

I commit to eradicate spitefulness from my Life through writing, self forgiveness and corrective application as spitefulness drove this world to this point and spitefulness must end in all its forms to allow a world that is best for all.

I commit to stop my back chat about people in my life through writing and corrective application, until I can stand clear of any spitefulness and manifest this correction in and as the world One and Equal to me.

 

Day 8: The Ex that was never X

This morning I knew I wanted to write on a specific point that came up when I went to the gym yesterday, which is my connection to the word 'wet' :), even though this connection opened up the whole sex system and I was reticent to write about it in 'public', I found out as well how many topics I have to write about, seemingly innocent points that come up during the day, like 'I hate Jews" out of any apparent context or my connection or even conscious awareness of the point, to Hong Kong that I have not yet cleared in writing, especially my relationship with Michele my friend, so I'm making a list here to go back to each one of these, but when I read the mail this morning an urgent point opened up.

My ex husband sent me an email, to ask me about my travel agent in Thailand, this annoyed me greatly, because something happened on which I had built an extensive, although suppressed back chat, 10 days ago and I did not address it, instead I brushed it under the carpet believing that since we are not in contact regularly, it would go away.

The point was that 10 days ago I started to feel guilty about NOT telling him that we, as permanent residents of Hong Kong had the right to apply for a tax refund of 600 Euros, yes, Hong Kong is so rich that is giving tax money back to their citizens as a balance sheet surplus, money that they could use to improve the lives of those who are really poor in the city, like the Filipino maids, and who are a great asset to this city in which nothing could move without the Filipino workforce that amount to 300000 people, but they never had the chance to apply for permanent residenceship as they are not considered Equal worthy citizens even after  20 years of residence in the city.

Anyway, WE, the white Caucasians and a few wealthy Indians, have this right either by birth, nationality or Money when both the previous are missing, applying is very easy as everything is in Hong Kong, since the city focuses on the happiness and on the easing out the lives of the Money makers of the world that decide to take up residence there, I just had to go on my bank website and fill out a form, easy peasy, 4 weeks later I got the money credited on my account.

My ex husband has never been good with these things, he finds everything that needs reading of a bureaucratic nature tedious and he gives up before even trying, so at first I had quite some spitefulness going  on, like fuck it, why is it my responsibility to let him know, isn't he big enough to handle his own stuff, in the mixture there some resentment as well for our life together and for one particular incident I see now I should write about and I will. Anyway, these thoughts kept churning until one morning I decided to just write him a note to explain about the refund and how to do it, inclusive of links, I wrote him an email and sent him a msg on Facebook too. No Reply.

This was 2 weeks ago, so when I received his message today, I felt angry, in fact I still feel angry, because he always contacts me when he needs information, like I'm the yellow pages of his life and then he closes his messages with sentences that make me want to smack him, this one closed with 'I will see you, sometime, somewhere, somehow'.

So I replied with all the information required and just a note to say 'how is it possible to contact you unless by replying to one of your messages ?', this line was loaded, interesting because it is not at all in appearance but the most fascinating thing is that he replied with one line that said, in child transliteration in Italian 'I got scolfed'. He got the unspoken/unwritten load.

So, what are the points of all this irritation that I can address ?

First the point of my irrelevance in his life, it's obvious, I hate to be irrelevant in his life because if I still play the reaction game with him, he is not yet obviously irrelevant in mine.

Second, the point that he contacts me only when he needs something which makes me feel used but I still comply because I don't want to tell him to fuck off because this would make me doubt about my 'goodness' as a person, which is odd since I have already admitted to my non benevolence so it must be something else, yes, I fear his judgement, meaning I fear my judgement as having lost my aplomb, having fallen to the "fuck you" point so I swallow the 'fuck you' and load an innocent sentence with the same 'fuck you' charge, which he gets in full.

Third, I dislike reading between the lines that he is happy with another woman, in fact happier than he has ever been with me, because in this I find a point of devaluation as I compare myself to her subconsciously and I come out as a loser.

Fourth, I don't like to not be in control of how this relationship goes, so he can contact me whenever he wants and I cannot, so it's not fair, a point of unfairness for the unbalance of the relationship.

Fifth, I hate to be moved into reactions when interacting with him, so every time i see one of his messages I anticipate it will piss me off, even though, in self honesty, I can see there is no intention of doing so and it is all my unresolved stuff between us that brings up such feelings and emotions.

Sixth I have not let go of the what it could have been and the point of regret, there is a link as well to my being back in Italy, a question he asked and I did not reply to, which was, "Are you happy? are you in Italy to stay ?", because this brings up the point of failure for myself of having returned to Italy after 17 years abroad, having nothing 'to show' for myself, like my life never happened for 17 years, it was an intermission between the life I hated in Italy before and the life I hate in Italy after, it sucks to even write this.

Plus I have a fear of writing this as my husband will for sure be back on FB and email for a while, having been scolfed' and he may get a chance to read it and I will feel exposed and even more of a loser than I feel  when I interact with him.

So off with facing all these points with Self Forgiveness:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being irrelevant in another's life and in the specific in my ex husband's life because I have defined my relevance by the feed back I get from others/from him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed about my irrelevance in my ex husband's life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place more relevance on my ex husband than on myself as a feedback regarding my self worth, and for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from Worth Here as Self Worth here  and not dependent on anything from the outside and separate from me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for 'good' feedback from others regarding my relevance just to feed my Ego

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to prove my relevance as an Ego system instead of accepting my Self Worth as Self Here in breath One and Equal with everything that exists

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my ex husband life is my responsibility because this is how I understood marriage and I have never let go of this responsibility allowing myself to feel guilty if I do not do something for him as it is my responsibility to fill in where he lacks, as in organization and being on top of what goes on around him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my ex husband lacked these qualities just because I had them and I wanted to be important and useful in his life until I managed to make him lacking in my eyes so I could be the needed filler

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel used

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use others and for feeling guilty regarding using others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to use others to have my desired outcome from my mental projections and fantasies about how my physical experience should be

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty about using others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself about using others and making of myself a 'bad person'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be 'bad'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to tell others to 'fuck off' and in the specific to my ex husband because he doesn't fulfil my idea of how our relationship should be

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my 'fuck off' for the desire to look civilized and good and not showing I'm in fact overcome with emotions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my ex husband judgement of me as a deranged bitch that told him to "fuck off' without any reason

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own judgement of myself as a deranged bitch that tells people to fuck off without any reason

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there are good reasons to tell people to fuck off that have to do with my ego and being right while others are wrong

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be jealous that my ex husband as a good life because I associate the words 'good life' with having a successful relationship and since he sounds chirpy in his message I assume he has that and I don't

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare my life with my ex husband's life to make myself a loser according to my ideas and beliefs of what a successful life is

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in and as the comparison construct in  which someone has to lose for me to win

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I'm not in control of this relationship just because I blame my ex husband for the way I feel every time we get in touch with each other instead of taking self responsibility and accepting that what goes on inside of me has nothing to do with him but is the result of my suppressed back chat that I am not willing to face to stop it and correct myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear participating in this relationship because I don' t like what it brings up in me instead of seeing it as an opportunity to face myself, stop, breathe and self correct

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret what has never been between myself and my ex husband  even though it should be clear that if it has never been the point of regret is a fantasy I made up together with what could have been but never was

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate my memories regarding my relationship with my ex husband so as to remember some  rare good times as a way to push myself into make belief regret

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate my memories to highlight the bad times with my ex husband when I try to resolve the make belief point of regret by showing myself there is nothing to regret, instead of breathing, standing up to correct the delusional point of regret until I no longer exist one and equal to regret

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like a failure because I am back in Italy without accepting it was my choice and Italy did not 'happen to me'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face my responsibility of in fact being back in Italy and having to do something here in regard to my participation in and as the system because I fear that if I do I close my door to leaving this country that I believe I hate as I hate my life in Italy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I hate Italy and my life when in truth i have always only hated myself and my participation in and as this system of abuse in which I was never better or worse but Equal in the fuck up and now Equal in a process of Self Correction in which I am no longer alone as a random unit of self destruction but One and Equal through the process I walk with others to correct myself as the self abuse of thoughts, emotions and feelings I participated in and beLIEved to be me

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into irritation regarding a message from my EX, I stop, breathe, remind myself there is only Self here and whatever he brings up inside of me is an inside job and as such it is my responsibility to fix it and release the bottled up energy that the irritation is pointing at, standing in self honesty and self correction until no reactions move when I interact with him

When and as I see myself reacting or about to react to anything I read into one of My ex husband's messages, I stop, breath, remind myself anything I read that is not there is a fantasy in my mind and a result of accumulated back chat, I look at it in self honesty, write myself out and apply self forgiveness until there is no longer a reaction inside of me regarding to what he writes

When and as I see myself fearing a message from my ex husband I have not yet read, I stop, breathe, remind myself there is nothing I fear in this world but me and what goes on inside of me and that in self honesty and self corrective application I can correct my past until nothing of who I was remains and on the blank slate of my Ego I can rewrite a world that is best for All

I commit myself to investigate every reaction that comes up inside of me, look at the root cause and how I have created it through a self judgement that I have not yet forgiven and to forgive myself until I am no longer a reactive being that contributes to what we have become as the Mind Consciousness System in and as separation from myself and All There Is, but a Self Directive One that can stand One and Equal for What is Best for All, as Life, One and Equal

Day 7: Lies as a way of Life

I finally got the H202 by mail from Holland from a site Larry suggested.

I read the instructions and found out you can have an Oxygen bath, it took me almost 1 of the 2 bottle I bought to try that out, so I went into fear that soon I would 'not have enough' to try out the Hydrogen Peroxide program.

Two weeks ago I went to our oldest Chemist shop in Milan and asked them to make it for me, when the doctor asked me what would I use it for and why didn't I buy the ready made one in 36% (which is the one to die your hair blond) I went into a lenghty explanation and I had to force myself to tell her the truth, which was 'I want to start a health program and I have to take daily drops'. Since my starting point was the belief and fear that they might not give it to me, due to my extensive judgement of how the system works against ME/US and the fact that they want to keep ME/US dumb and dependent, I stumbled upon myself a few times, looked like a dumb ignorant woman with airy fairy stories and this led to them writing on the papers I brought a huge "NO" with a red pen.

I left the chemist in anger and frustration, the writing in red letters brought me back to school time and the marks on my assignments, the red ones were always 'BAD', meaning I was 'BAD', I looked at the point, saw that it had nothing to do with them, applied Sf for my reactions and not seeing that it was a starting point of safety the one they came from and that they were just reflecting back to me my existence as a non responsible human being for which, they took responsibility.

I did not let it go, it was just a surface letting go, so when I got the products through the Internet my backchat laid out 10 possible stories I could now relate when going back there to ask them again to make it for me, mostly because I found absurd to have to pay that kind of money plus shipping when behind my home there is a chemist that can make it for me.

It took me a while to work out my back chat in detail, first the few possible stories, built and worded in different ways to make My point, second the point of no longer telling them I wanted to drink it because this was a key point in their refusal to give it to me, third the possible offer of giving them a self written disclaimer to uplift them from responsibility and last, the cherry on the cake, the threat, I could ask them to write down the reasons for their refusal and take them to the Consumer Court, not that I intended to do it, but it was my putting my foot down, to show them that they can't fuck with me, I'm knowledgeable about my rights and an European citizen, I have a right to have access to anything that is available in Europe and that I can buy through Internet. All this happened when I had not yet gone out of the door, when I became aware, I stopped and breathed, put on my MP3 to listen to Anu's interviews and walked to the Chemist telling myself that I did not need to THINK about it if I told them the truth and that I would not threaten them of anything, in fact this idea of threatening them left me quite disgusted with myself, than one wonders how BIG threats are going on in the world every day, am I not part of the threatening system this world has become ?

So, I reached the chemist, and approached the same doctress that last time told me yes first but then the chemist forbid the making of it and she told me to go and talk to the chemist directly this time.

I felt agitated, I took out my H202 bottle received by mail and told them maybe I had made a mistake between volume and percentage (this was one of my prepared stories) start by taking the 'blame' and could she check again as this bottle I got was not dangerous as I spilled some on my hand and nothing happened (which was true after I had poured it in a glass bottle, she told me later, probably diminishing it's burning effect), anyway, I brought with me one empty bottle, to show her I had already used it responsibly and I was alive, and one sealed bottle.

The sealed bottle leaked on both of our hands...and spotted them white, this was embarrassing because I felt she would think I lied the one time I did not,  stressed the fact that I needed 2 litres to take oxygen baths, I never talked again about drinking it and she did not ask, even though I brought with me the program paper again that did in fact talk about it.

Anyway, she accepted to make it for me.

While I walked out from the chemist I did not have my usual feeling of 'winning' an argument, in fact I felt rather humiliated to see that my real nature and the one that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in and as is to lie first, which is weird even to write out, because I never considered 'makig up stories' as lying since this is what everyone does, and I could not feel guilty for just doing it better, but the becoming aware of how I as the mind would just do anything, say anything, even in instances that are quite insignificant like this 'just to win' left me depressed.

Not only, I make my shopping online now to avoid supermarkets and the thousands of 'special offers' that I give in to because I buy into the bullshit that the 'more you buy he more you save' and I have been correcting myself a lot on this point but I have found out that when I buy online I spend much less, which proves I am a mind controlled slave, that responds to marketing tricks and designs to push me to buy, the way things are laid out, the huge 'special offers red signs' etc.

Anyway, for same odd reasons I am one day behind in my head, my mum says I lost it in February, I don't know how it's possible to 'lose a day' but I know that  had 4 incidents since February when I thought it was the day after, like I thought it was Friday on a Thursday.

Yesterday it happened again, so I was supposed to have my delivery on Friday, and thought yesterday was Friday, I had requested they delivered between 6pm and 8pm, but I was late coming back from the chemist, I arrived home at 6.25 pm, first I told myself they had not come yet, then I started to fear they did come but waited until 8 pm and then called, the offices were closed, I even rechecked the supermarket confirmation and DID NOT notice it was for Friday, which proves another point, that we do not see reality but what we believe and accept reality to be, so I spent last night making up stories to tell them about why THEY did not find me at home, I went into this backchat for abut 20 minutes, I had made up 3 good stories at least, all of them leading to make THEM responsible for missing me, and again, this is not lying, just a way of life, then I caught myself as this was kind of quietly happening in the background of me with my occasional approval and I stopped, breathed and told myself that I would just call them this morning, come clean and apologize that I had been late and what we could do to fix MY miss-take.

Immediately all back chat stopped.

Yesterday I had a flash of the Doctor House serial and his comment, that everyone lies, and why he would go and check their homes for clues to work out their mysterious diseases, it's true, everyone lies as a way of life, starting with ME.

This morning when I called the supermarket and told them the truth, we discovered together the delivery was for tonight, so in 2 days, I had to face my desire to lie, no more, my dishonest nature twice, and how I have excused it all my life as the 'way things are and I better get good at this blaming game'.

Interestingly, none of the lies I desired and concocted to tell were in fact necessary, why not face the truth of me as a responsible person, why did I feel odd telling the truth in both cases, if not because the truth is alien to me and I am just not used to ever telling it like it is ?

I felt ashamed, so if I am a chronic liar, why do I expect to live in an honest world ?

Why should the politicians and the governments and the church and the psychics and the Elite and everyone else stop lying before me ?

Arent' they my representatives, aren't they the mirror of myself in my own creation where the world as me has aligned to what I accept and allow in and as myself ?

So I stop the liar in me to bring back honesty to this world, One and Equal to me and to walk my path of correction to build Self Trust as me, because as Cathy said, only when I stop lying as a way of life can I believe YOU, only when I stop fearing me can I stop fearing YOU.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to backchat myself into lying as a way of life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for ways to blame others so I don't have to stand as a responsible human being in everything I do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear telling the truth in fer of the con-sequences

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the con-sequences that I myself design for myself through my participation in this world as self-dishonesty, instead of standing in and as self honesty in everything I do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being self honest, for fear of facing all the times in which I have been self dishonest as a way of life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my self dishonesty as the way things are in the blaming game of this world and for making myself just 'better at it' meaning better at not being found out

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the important thing about 'telling stories' is to build them convoluted enough to never have to be found out and having to face my self dishonesty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into my backchat first to check what I could say and what stories would be most convenient for me to tell, instead of standing as a self responsible human being and speaking myself here in breath and self trust that I can always face the consequences of my actions and when needed correct myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to portray myself as different and more than I am so I can feel good about myself, no matter which lies I will have to tell along the way to get to the 'good feeling' place about myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel lessened by red marks on a piece of paper as a sign that I am not good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when someone tells me NO I am not good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed for catching myself wanting to lie as a way of life instead of stopping the shame as a emotion resulting from thoughts and backchat I have allowed myself to participate in and as, stop, breath and walk my self correction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not notice that my lies as a way of life are reflected back to me in the dishonest world I live in and as, and that to change the world into Honesty and Trust, I have to change me as the world One and Equal into Self Honesty and Self Trust

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the dishonesty in the world and for hating to live in such dishonest world, while in fact I have always only been the dishonest one and always and only hated myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself for my dishonesty and for not standing up as the change that I want to see in this world, One and Equal to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be-LIEve that hate is real

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into a mind personality to portray myself as different from who I am in fear of others judgement, which is my own judgement of Self, I stop, breathe, remind myself that fear is not real and that I can be self honest about myself when I no longer have anything to hide

When and as I see myself desiring to lie to win an argument or to blame someone else for my own miss-takes, I stop, breathe, remind  myself that I do not need to win an argument or to fear making a miss-take, only Egos want to win arguments and fear, because winning and fear are not real

When and as I see myself blaming anything outside of myself for their dis-honesty, I stop, breath, bring it back to Self and remind myself that I am correcting myself to no longer exist as a Liar, so I can develop Self Trust and trust in the world, One and Equal

When and as I see myself desiring to win an argument, I stop, breathe, remind myself only Egos need to win to prove they exist and are superior to others, I no longer want superiority for myself and inferiority for another but Equality for All as One as Me

I commit myself to stop lying as a way of Life and to dig into myself to see how I have designed myself to never be honest in fear of losing out and losing myself 

I commit myself to breathe before I speak, check that I have no reactions that can fuel my automated shift into a mind personality that lies as a way of life, and in breath speak me as me, no longer separated from my words, but One and Equal to them, so that my words may build substance as Life and become the Life givers they should have always been and not the Life takers I turned them to be in my life of self interest and separation