Day 19: The Reward World of the Underdogs

Yesterday I watched the documentary The Trap,

The point that stood out for me was the point of "Humans cannot trust each other", it tied in nicely with something I wrote yesterday and a few days ago and a movie I watched recently called 'The Keeper".

In my neighborhood people were mainly poor and lacked an education and their parents lacked the perspective that an education is of any importance at all, since Life is just about getting what you need and want, everybody is dishonest in some ways and 'You can't trust anybody".

Since violence was the accepted way of settling disputes, starting at Home, it was who was willing to be the most violent and most ruthless that would get the prize, the prize could be drugs or money or both.

Many parents had given up on the idea of a dignified Life and would make do with anything just to survive.

One of my girlfriend's mother would take Money from 'older men' she spent time with, she was not a prostitute on the streets or an escort, she had a job and a 'regular' life' and had this extra income on the side as my girlfriend told me nonchalantly, and when I was 26 and I had a boyfriend that was 52 she asked me why didn't I take money from him (he was a fit 52 years old, good looking and broke, so I am in no way stating I would not have and I was better than her mum, I just did not have the need to have to think this one out) like her mum was doing, because men are supposed to help us, basically accepting to reduce our lives to an exchange system of values, not different from the stock market, where beauty, education and everything we 'owned' and believe to be, could be traded for 'points' and then the points could be traded for money.

My mum paid me to change the closets between summer and winter, I still remember the first time she offered money to me to do something I would have done for free, because rewards are not only Money based, they are emotionally based as well, if we do something 'good' and 'right' at home, parents will make us feel good about ourselves.

Of The Trap  Documentary I liked the part when Lang discovered that it was the secret games happening at home that could lead one to mental problems, those secret games are the Energy games, the feelings and emotions we trade on the Stock Market of Life.

In the movie 'The Keeper', a sergeant of the American police, kidnaps a stripper, and locks her into a cage in his basement for reeducation, applying his father educational system, the Points system, which was the absolute carbon copy of the Reward System, every action, word, attitude, behaviour was valued on the Reward System board based on Points, and in the movie he states it out clearly 'I did not do that because I'm a good person, I did it for the Points', in the movie the point of The Points was exaggerated and given a life of its own that the child had breathed into and as Life and as Himself, the sins of the fathers living on.

Underdogs have a Points system too, they are promised a reward for accepting their underdog lives, religion is one of the underdogs points system, we are told that even if we have nothing 'as points' to exchange, no beauty, no culture, no education, we have Hope, Hope is a reward system, you can at least Hope to be rewarded, to make it across the line between the "Have it All" and the "Have Nothing At All" (if not here in the Afterlife, hope goes on after Death), this is the Underdog Urban Legend, 'even you can make it to the reward' of feeling good and having a safe life, just keep trying, do whatever you need to do, some make it, look, here comes another Underdog story, and with this pacifier even the Underdogs don't want a system change, because they may make it after all, they might collect enough Points to trade for a decent life, they have worked out how the system works and they are saving Points, sometimes they collect the Fear of others, that too can be traded for something that gives them Points, like sex or money.

My neighborhood was a reward system based on the Poor's perception of what a reward is, having no access to the good feelings that are generated by feeling safe, loved and having money, the good side of the polarity of life and living mainly in and as the negative emotional polarity of existence, getting the money or the drugs to even out and balance the emotional lives of horrors they lived at home was not a desire, it was a need.

 

We live in a society that creates People with Mental Problems, and then we put Shame on the Mental Problems that are  guaranteed just by being born in this world.

Are the mental health professional sane ? Unlikely, how could they be ?
In the documentary (the Trap) a renowned Psychiatrist admitted himself to a Mental Institution when he discovered he heard voices in his head and realized, he had created those voices that were now talking to him and the stories he had made up to sustain them were no longer working.
He could no longer pretend All was fine Within His World.

We need to create a world where we teach each other about a Value System that is NOT based on emotions and feelings and rewards, but on Life values and What is Best for All, we need to step out of the delusion of Polarity to allow a different world to manifest, we need to trust that another Humanity is possible, that we can trust each other if each one of us can trust Himself/Herself, so we start to change ourselves to prove to ourselves that if I can Change, the World can Change, One and Equal to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be spoilt by a reward system from childhood

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to believe that living is about being re-warded for living and not just about Life itself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trade on the Reward System market who I Am in exchange for what I was supposed to be to have rewards

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was not enough and I needed Points to make myself valuable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was not good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be more than others just to be good enough to be rewarded within the world reward system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear mental illnesses and being a mental case when I realized the world is insane and we are all mental cases

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire rewards for everything I do, think, say because I have accepted Life as a reward system and I have not yet stopped consistently my participation in and as a reward system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad because I don't feel happy anymore when there's the sunshine as in energetic happy and I am at a loss about how to move myself if not through an energy motivation/reward

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to motivate myself through energy and intuition to move instead of being the directive principle of my life making decisions based on what is best for All and then walking my decisions Breath by Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and thus fear that if I don't feel energetic movements within me to motivate and lead me I am not alive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am Energy and not Life and for accepting and allowing myself to built myself as a network of energetic relationships to pretend I am alive when I buzz in and out of energetic movements, giving up the stability of me existing Here in every moment of Breath as Life without any movement or reaction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to call people who were not as reactive as me 'emotionally impaired' instead of seeing I was the one impaired by emotions and feelings

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I have emotionally impaired myself due to my extensive participation in thoughts, emotions and feelings as a way to feel Alive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trade Life for Energy and for abusing myself in the process up to physical abuse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cringe every time someone told me of how they managed to get a child to do something through a reward, because I have not forgiven myself for accepting and allowing myself to live a life of rewards from childhood

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose myself so much into the reward system that I have been unable to support others one and equal in not passing on to children this disease even though I could see that it was a key point in our problem but not how far the rabbit hole went

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept that a Life of rewards is acceptable and that rewards define who I am as the points in the movie "The Keeper"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire/need to be rewarded as a way to define myself and see if I am doing well or poorly

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept myself to be and become a reward system for others as well, applying the same principle of the reward game to my energetic interaction where I would reward the worthy with 'good feelings' and the unworthy with 'bad feelings' based on their alignment to my desires and expectations

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad every time my mother wants to give me something as I have always seen and still do the movements behind the giving because they are my same movements of reward and manipulation for which I For-give myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to aspire to some 'normality' that I could not define because normality is rewarded and ab-normality as I felt within all these energetic movements is punished with the label 'mental case/nutcase' and sent to a mental institution or put on medication

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I may have my mum's mental problems growing older and for fear of growing older and having to face mental instability

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the mental state we share in this world is 'normal' and we have to work to accept it, instead of seeing there is something clearly wrong here because I feared investigating reality and discovering it's all a big fat lie.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and the  people in my neighborhood for what each one of us did to get to the reward board that then we passed on as a life system, some through the education of their children and some like me through their working endeavours

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spread the reward disease into the working place marrying reward models as a way to have people work because I did not trust anyone would do anything for free just for what is best for all, because I would not

When and as I see myself desiring a reward to define myself I stop, breathe, remind myself that if I am seeking a reward I am not Here in Breath where Life One and Equal is the Reward in every moment of Breath

When and as I see myself desiring to manipulate others into an emotional/feeling reward system I stop, breathe, remind myself that I am just pushing them on one or the other side of the reward polarity and I am feeding an addiction, instead I look for the right words to express my new stance on reward and why I no longer participate in and if required

When and as I see myself demonizing rewards, like the points I get for shopping that give me money discounts, I stop, breathe, remind myself that the points are not the problem, it is who I am within the reward system when and as I believe myself to be One and Equal to the value points I collect and move myself up and down on my own self designed and self assigned Reward Board within emotions and feelings to match my value/points imaginary board,  and that I am walking to become stable Here in every moment of Breath out of the Polarity game in and as Life One and Equal in and as What is Best for All

I commit myself to stop my life as a Spoilt Child of the Reward System, to no longer use for myself or others Rewards as a motivation to stand, move and do what needs to be done and What is best for All, as Life, as One and Equal.

Day 4: The need for a Decent Identity

Today and in the past few days I have looked at the point of why I would pick the title 'Director' for myself, the first most obvious reply is that it is work related, this is who I am job wise, and when a few days ago I went for a job interview I gave them my last printed business card, it says so there, I am a Managing Director of a company in Hong Kong. This is who I am.

Of this company up to now I have only paid the administration costs to the Company secretary and that is about it, I have not invoiced or done any business using this company yet. In my last job I was Operations Director, but that was 4 years ago, so as of today it would have been more fitting to write a  jobless journey to Life, but it did not even occur to me  to see myself as jobless, even though I am job-less so this is in fact what I am way more than a Director of a company that has not invoiced anything or the Director that I was 4 years ago, which is not Here and now.

So this point highlights not just mine or our need for an identity, but the need for a decent one, one we don't have to be ashamed of, because being jobless at my age, no matter how and why I came to place myself in this position, is pretty shame-ful, because it means I am no longer System placed within a position of power that may mean even only being able to make a decent living, without having to worry about the future.

I use to think I am not the worrying type, which is easy when you turn good money because worries mainly come from not having access to the Money system and not being able to support oneself into a decent life because the right to live has to be bought today, no one has a right to live unless they have Money to buy themselves the right to live, yet we stubbornly refuse to look at the Money point and why having a decent identity is relevant, as it is with our identity that we move in and as the system and find placements to secure a living for ourselves, get this, to secure a living, and this can only happen through Money, if you don't have Money your living is not secured, it's not assured, it's up for grabs, if you are starving you will have to sell yourself out because you have nothing of value to give, you have no identity to sell out in exchange for some money that will guarantee that you can eat, have a roof over your head and be able to care for yourselves and your family, I am lucky I don't have a family to support because I would not have been able to live the life I led for the simple reasons that I would have been forced to worry about money consistently, continuously, asking myself what choices I had for me to live and self express apart from the non choice of having to work to support my self and make a living for myself and my family.

So Identities are our pass into the Money System, the more valuable identities we have been able to build through education or through experience, the higher our value is on the Money market, this is why I am reticent to let go of my title and my identity, and this is how the system makes sure we keep ourselves separated from each other into make belief identities that we fuel through our fears of not making it and not being able to pay for our Life.

Is it acceptable that Lives have gone on sale ? Personally I think it's not acceptable, but I am new to this perspective, because when the system worked for me and I worked for the system, I looked for ways to justify why Inequality made sense and why I deserved what I had, I stopped there, because even at the height of my delusions I aways felt a sense of disgust for myself when I tried to explain in my mind why others did not deserve a decent life, I tried the Karma story and  the 'we want to try it all out, it's just an illusion' story, but still, every time one of my friend said out loud 'we deserve it' about something good we had, I felt sick with myself, because when I agreed what I meant was, we deserve it..and others don't ?

Do others deserve to be sick and not be able to care for themselves or their children, do others deserve to die of starvation, do others deserve to be raped or sent to war, to have their kids vaccinated in third world countries in a big plan to reduce the population so we can have even MORE than what we have now because the starving take up useful land on which we could build and make a killing in the process ?

Make a killing in the process ?

Do we deserve an identity that highlights we have more rights than another, is our identity a point of Ego, through which we build a fortress against those we should be sharing this planet with ? I dent thy, through my right to be more than you, have a luckier life than yours, have what you can't even dream about because in your denting of 'I', I participated in taking everything from you and left you without the possibility of a Life, in this world that we have built for the survival of the fittest and I dent thy, who have no identity, who are part of a multitude of nameless people in the pictures of the starving that I see as having no relations to me, while I participate in the game of wanting to be more, fearing to be less, leaving some to be nothing at all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my identity that is related to my ability to make money and support myself efficiently within the system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my identity as a point of making myself more than others while I fear being less than others in relation to my ability to make money in and as the system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not care that others may suffer when I can make everything work for me and support myself effectively not caring if others cannot

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be more than others for fear of being less and having to live through the short end of the stick of this system of abuse of which I am a creator

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having to endure the short end of the stick of a system of abuse that I keep in place through my fear of letting go of the long end of the stick

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not care for others that don't have access to the Money system as long as I had

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect who I am to an identity in fear that if I were identity-less I could not survive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear surviving without a decent identity and for being jealous of other identities who have better access to the money system than me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be praised for my identity as a proof that I exist and have a pass to access the money system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek my value into and as an identity because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that without an identity, meaning a pass into the Money system , I am worthless

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to link my worth to the money system and within this supporting a construct that makes me and all others One and Equal, worthless unless we have Money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in and as fear of not having access to the Money system,because within this I validate the money system as the Life giver replacing Life as the Life giver

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard Life as a Value and Worth we all share in favour of Money because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will die without Money and so Money is more important than Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the death of me as an identity of separation and self interest because I have not yet walked the correction of returning value to Life from the Money system on which I placed it in fear of survival

When and as I see myself attaching value or about to attach value to my identity above Life, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I am walking to nothingness and this includes leaving behind all delusions of who I have been of any importance as I have realized there is nothing that has importance but Life One and Equal for everybody

When and as I see myself fearing using a working title because I have attached a judgement of myself as a personality of superiority in fear of my inferiority, I stop, breathe , remind myself that it is never about the title we use to work in and as the system but the misplacement of value from Life onto anything outside and separate from me as All as Life that I no longer support and that I can do what I need to do to become efficient in and as the system without attaching any value to what I do while I keep walking my process of self correction

I commit to consider Life and what is best for All above my personal interests of the mind, regardless the resistance that I will have to face in letting go of who I have been within my personalities plays of self interest while I worried and considered only myself and not Self as Life as One and Equal, and to walk this correction for myself and All existence One and Equal until All will be able to live a dignified Life in and as Oneness and Equality

I commit myself to stop my participation in mind tantrums relative to the resistances I have to face as I see and understand that this change will not be an easy fix but a process I will have to walk consistently and this can happen only if I commit to walk despite anything my mind offers as an excuse and reason not to because I see the point that my walking affects others in ways I am not yet able to see and comprehend fully and I won't allow myself to be the point that fails taking with me someone else just because I did not apply myself consistently enough as self directive principle in walking myself out of the mind of polarity and separation, back into neness and Equality for All

Desteni

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