Day 160 - I Have My Reasons for Cheating!

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Day 36: Desire as Value

This picture represents my idea of Desire, she plays the reluctant part, he plays dominant, He Is The Man, He Will Bend Her to His Will.

In one month I will meet the ex lover/potential employer, of these 2 definitions I am sure about the first one only as he has in fact been my ex one night lover and I have no clue if we will ever work together, as far as projects go, the more info he send, the more I don't believe he has been looking for me for work at all but he is just building the needed web to allow me to fall into it without too much guilt or regret, as he is married with 4 children.

He will be coming on a Saturday, I offered to have lunch as to keep 'the night' as far away as possible from both our minds, but he said we should have dinner, this worried me because he is not from my city and he will need a place to sleep, so I asked should I book an hotel or is he already organized but he did not reply.

At the time we had our night together, he was very persistent and a great strategist, I see the strategy pattern again, he is planning to stay for the week end in fact, in my bed, which is both flattering and scary because I have not had sex since I started to walk with Desteni, but I can't see clearly if I stopped due to my judgements of what I had reduced sex to, mind trips into fantasies and pictures and porn behaviour, or if I stopped just because I became so depressed due to my overload of information and slow application of them into a process of Life that I couldn't care less about jumping in and out of beds without any moral boundary.

Have I turned sex into a morality point? Would I say NO to this man because he is married with 4 children even though I know he would never leave his wife and I don't see this as my commitment but his that should be kept and I am just the sidekick of a professional cheater that I won't change even if I say NO to him, or do I want to say NO because I see there will be con-sequences to this and they may not be what is best for me/all at the moment, which is to have a clear cut business relationship that is on solid ground and not built for the purpose of fucking me as I had in the past with another business partner, who set up a company with me just so he could officially display my name in his phone without fear of being caught by his  wife. The business never worked out and after one year I was tired of being tied to him into a pretense relationship that he wanted to believe was something meaningful and was thinking to introduce me to his children to explain to them 'the way things are'. 

Things are NOT that way, unless we make them so, lives of cheating and lies that we then need to justify and cover up creating alter Egos, as if one Ego was not enough to deal with.

I have chatted about this point last night with a Desteni friend, what I saw in our chat is the following:

what I liked about this man was his persistence, in fact it had NOTHING to do with him as I judged him poorly educated, a boring conversationalist and slightly shorter than me, which is a turn off in my mind as men must be taller, it's plain clear in all fairy tales, men are bigger, it's crucial for the protection factor of the weakling woman, so persistence was irresistible, it gave me value, I believed he wanted ME and only ME making ME more important and desirable than other women.

My friend told me that I may have just been a fantasy in his head, 'the office woman', plus men are after the ones who are not too easy to get, because they too derive value from the prize of having gotten what is not given away to everybody or just anybody.

So basically, we both play a pathetic value game, each part hoping to get the worth they do not perceive they have from the other one, we live a life of dis-honesty in which we syphon each other's energy to boost ourselves into bigger energy being, creating bigger emotional bodies to live out, bigger personalities, bigger mindfucks.

Yet I saw this point as bothering me, while I chatted with my friend I saw  I don't fear him at all, I fear me, I fear that he will have me at the first touch of my hands, that the touch of our bodies will activate my body memories and I will move into desire and then I will spend the evening into suppression, pretending I don't want it and I don't care for it, while in fact I want it so much I have already started to think about it and how he has been one of the few men in my life I have not regretted having sex  with, already One Month before we may (or may not) see each other and face each other after 5 years.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bother myself with thoughts about what it will be in one month and for projecting myself into a potential situation of discomfort that it may not even happen and within this I forgive myself that I am trying to 'guess and assume' what is in the mind of a man I have not seen for 5 years, just because his desiring me or my assumption of him desiring me makes me feel good about myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Life is about me feeling good about myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse men for the purpose of feeling good about myself, not caring about them at all if not about how much they wanted and desired me because I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by how desirable/fuckable I am to a man

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define 'desire' as a moment of coercion in which a man dominates and I just give in as this is the way sexuality plays out in my mind as both of us living out the roles we were designed for in which men dominates and women just comply

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire that a man dominates and takes over a sexual situation as that displays his desire for me and I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by how desired I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be desired

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for having had stories with married men as being disloyal to the women world in which I have separated myself from men, into women vs men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own desire and how I see myself moving into being 'turned on' without ever noticing, that being 'turned on' makes me nothing more than a blender or a vacuum cleaner who can be turned ON at whim, instead than a self directive being that stands as the decisions I make about what is best for me and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value men that can turn me on, just because they fit the image of sex and sexuality I have accepted and allowed myself to imprint myself with, without realizing that I have lived as a sex machine and not as a Human Being and I have lived sex as a ritualized expression and not sex as Self as Self Expression Here in and as Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my sexuality as dirty and demeaning without realizing only my mind could accept and allow to turn sexuality into something dirty and demeaning because I accepted and allowed the idea that Virgin Martyrs were better than women who fucked and were not into martyrdom, because that is what the Church told us

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pick up all the sexual teaching and innuendos of the Catholics as the 'Original  Sin' being sex or 'Eve's problem and Sin' being sex, and not having sex before marriage as it was good only inside marriage and for such acceptance and allowance of these idiotic teachings having turned my mind into a sex warmonger that I have to fight to survive for the demeaning self judgements of myself that I bestowed upon myself every time I had sex

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for having sex

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having sex and what I will think about myself afterward

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my self judgement of myself as sex, because I wished I was over my Catholic upbringing in fear I would unleash the hate I felt for them when I blamed them as the point in which my sexuality got fucked up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the Catholics for what they teach about Sex and Sexuality, instead of seeing we are all brainwashed into miserable belief systems and ideas used to control ourselves and each other to never allow self expression or our getting in touch with the physical and in truth I have always and only hated me for accepting and allowing myself to take on board such bullshit even when my body showed me reluctance to the sex constrains of me as The Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my Mind rule my life and my body, stealing Life Essence from myself and others for the purpose of living and existing as a Mind System

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself and my sexuality because desire is a powerful force I have never controlled instead of seeing that desire is of the mind, in and as separation of me from me for an experience, stemming from my dissatisfaction of myself and my ideas and beliefs that I am not enough and that I need experiences to give meaning to my life and to myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe experiences are what defines me and what gives purpose to my life, instead of seeing that experiences are of the mind and that me as the physical do not need any 'experience' to be alive but only the Mind as it separates and clones itself into experiences and relationships designed to not allow me to be Here in and as Breath as Self Expression

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into the Desire to be Desired, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that I no longer accept to define myself according to my desirability or to make a point of value of and for myself the 'being desired' by a man, I am Self value and Self Worth Here in Breath, when and as I stop the separation of me as self from everything that exists

When and as I see myself fearing or about to fear that Desire may take over, I stop, Breathe, remind myself I am walking as the Directive Principle of my Life and I no longer accept to be moved like a Puppet by energies fluctuations and Imprinting of  and as the Mind, and Breathe through the Point of Desire as Energy until it dissipates and I stand Here stable in and as Breath as Life, One and Equal

I commit myself to clear the point of Desire and the Desire to be Desired from myself as The Mind and as the physical, until I can see Desire or the Desire to be Desired no longer move me but I moving My Self as the Self Directive Principle of my Life

Day 33: Facing the Ex Lover as a Potential Employer

It was soo much easier than I thought.

In my mind I believed I would have awkward thoughts regarding us and that One Night and that I would then be overcome by feelings and emotions and desires and the whole Mind Shenanigans, but I was not.

A memory I have held against myself was not even real, I could not even recognize his voice after 5 years and I was unplussed, it was just a normal business conversation in which I just realized, that 'the dream job' I have imagined for a couple of days was in fact not available, that they are just a group of friends exploring the possibility to move onto the China market and they would not even know HOW to use my expertise in the field, they are not fucking around but close, meaning only when you are driven to make money for a reason or another, and as motivation go survival of self (or even of the idea of self) is still the best for now, the drive is strong and the tide moved by such drive can make things happen very fast.

Instead I saw that such tide is not there, it’s just a little wave of interest and desire to see if expansion on alternative markets abroad would be possible, mainly a place where I may have to put in some work for free to assess the feasibility of the project that as a first impact did not sound ‘sound’ at all but just a dream, just about like the one I tried to suppress for a couple of days while I entertained myself with the 'hope' that I may have found a way back into the business world.

Only one point of our conversation made me react a little, and that was when he said ‘I would rather talk to you and explain everything in person’, to which my mind replied ‘sure you would’ and I had a momentarily loss of presence when I took off in a mind movie of me and him meeting and having to walk the tightrope of never giving space to a sexual fantasy of myself or of his (as a mirror of myself).

The weight point came up as well, as I have put on weight to cushion myself back into this life I judge as not chosen but as ‘happened to me’ and to separate myself from the point of relationships and flirting, in this instance I saw it as a point of weakness , in which ‘not being attractive’ meaning ‘not keeping into the shape men like to fuck’  is a point I lose on my negotiation table, which proves that attraction is ALWAYS a point on any negotiation table, where we as women,  play that card opening the ‘you never know door’ while we do already know that it’s just a negotiation tactic  that we use in and within the belief of not being enough, of always having to have that extra flavour, point, prospected opportunity to participate in the unfair male Money Game and fearing our own judgement of ourselves as NOT enough, never young, beautiful, toned, hairless, made up, dressed to impress enough to make it in this Competition Game, where we all play but pretend we do not or we would have to face who we really are and have become and what we accept to do to survive in and as the Money Game which has become us as Who we Are, in which everything has gained a Money value vs  Life and who we really were, before we sold out in fear of simply not making it and being the Losers we have already decided we were when we accepted our trade in of Life against the delusional fantasy of Energy and Energy Games, Money included.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear I may not make it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I don’t ‘make it’ within the Money Game, I have less value than if I make it within the Money Game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be disappointed at myself for putting on weight because I perceived I have dis-abled myself from fucking around with my appearance which in fact always worked in the past and it was very useful to land me jobs even if I did not deliver the sex men secretly hired me for and I secretly put as a 'you may hope' card on the negotiation table

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was hired in the hope they could fuck me or just have me around as a nice chandelier, when in fact many of my jobs were not run on this underlying current of seduction but were skill based jobs

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to store demeaning judgements about myself because I accepted and allowed myself to not resolve my point of whorehood and then I built a whole life of ideas and opinions of myself on it and kept it in place to  abuse and diminish myself, living a life of friction as suppressed self judgements

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have to compete using attraction as a way to have the ‘extra edge’ in the competition game because I feared for my survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that when I met women who were not skilled in the business world, they must have fucked their boss or have given them blowjobs to secure their positions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that others may think this about me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that one day this may be on the table and I don’t know what I will do and how far I will go to survive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make judgements about women who sell sex for a living, in fear I was selling sex for a living even though not directly but in so many other ways and I was judging myself for it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for selling ‘sex’ for a living through seduction and making myself ‘attractive’ fearing for my own survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself and for having gained weight as a dis-abling of this ‘ability of mine ‘ to attract, in fear I won’t stop unless I physically stop ‘being attractive’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge being attractive as bad and wrong because I was aware of the underlying motivation and currents of the attractiveness business, which is all about sex, but did not want to face it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when my ex Lover said ‘I would rather explain everything to you in person’ and for thinking ‘sure you would’ because in accepting such thoughts I invalidate myself and my skills and reduce myself to a tool for sex that one may be interested in, instead of resolving my own participation in this world as a tool for sex and not blaming and projecting it it on others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame this sex game on Men alone as the cause of why women became what they became in fear of their survival, instead of realizing we are all participating Equally according to our placements in the World and I am not less responsible than men in any way whatsoever

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my hatred of myself on men as the cause of all this sexual business world without realizing everything is sexualized and we are just pretending to not see so we don't have to face the point that something within existence is just not right and needs correction of each one of us as self correction to build a new world in which Life will no longer be abused by Mind Games and Sexual Exploitations

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the exploitation of sex through flirting and building up sexual energies to give myself a positive feedback and a value in a Value system of my own creation in separation from myself as Self Value/Worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from Self as Self Worth and from others as Self Worth and for not giving to others what I would have liked to receive, a Life of Honour and Dignity for everyone Equally, myself included

When and as I see myself going or about to go into my mind regarding possible future outcomes, I stop, breathe, remind myself I know nothing about the future except that I am changing myself Here to change my past and to give to myself and to the world One and Equal a chance to stand in and as the New, stopping the repeating of Patterns of Self Abuse in-word-ly and out-word-ly , stopping any idea that if I ‘at least’ judge myself, I am better than those that do not, dropping all the sticks I use against myself and others within this existence of suffering that I have justified as ‘lessons’ and ‘leading to the love and light’ so that I can stop existing as suffering and self abuse and the world as my mirror may stop too

When and as I see myself abusing or about to abuse myself with thoughts, feelings and emotions, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that all that is in fact not Real and bring myself back into the physical that gives me a chance to stop at every single Breathe I  take, without judgement or expectations of ‘How it’s gonna be or should be or will be’

When and as I see myself desiring to plan my life into the minutest details, in my desire for control and fear of existence, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that the only place I really fear is me as the Mind and bring myself back Here Breath by Breath until I can become Stable as Breath, as Life and stand as an example of what being out of the Mind and the looping of emotions and feelings really means

I commit myself to stop my participation in me as The Mind, in the abuse of myself and others within my mind, in the Sexualized Experience of/as my Existence for the purpose of generating and receiving/stealing energy from others, as I no longer accept mine or others' existence as Energy systems, and in walking this process of self correction with consistence until I can accumulate Self Trust as me through Self Honesty, Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Application to show myself that I can in fact Change to realign to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All in all aspects of my Life as Life, One and Equal to everything that exists.