Day 146: Judging Myself, the Hows and Whys - Morality

Since I am just switching Characters at the moment and far from alive yet, I can only be judging myself through a Character for the Characters I play.

So the judging Character is the Judge, which needs supporting Roles to go on his missions, the supporting Characters of my Judge are my Morality Character, my Compare and Compete Character, My Inferiority and Superiority play out Characters, these two just swap on a swing, they kinda live together.

One point that I saw today is that unless I compare and compete, I could never access judgement because judgement is by definition through comparison, so whatever stick I use to measure myself against, there is a measuring as comparison and competition going on, or there could never be self judgement or judgement

Self Judgement supported by my Morality Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embrace this world in polarity as what is right and what is wrong and for defining every information I take on board through the eyes of my previously accepted Morality definitions of right and wrong, which I have filed as information that I use to compare myself against, to assess if I am doing something 'right' or 'wrong' so I can determine which experience I have to embody that is consistent with my own judgement, if I believe I did something wrong I will align with feeling bad about myself as in guilt, shame and then blame to relieve myself of both and if I believe I did something right I will align with self righteousness, superiority and feeling good about myself and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to participate in the emotions of guilt and shame and the experience of self righteousness and superiority as it it was me as Who I really am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand, that the Morality Code I use to Judge myself is a construct of my own making, because most of the Morality information have been passed on from generation to generation but I have been the one accepting them as True and aligning myself and my experience of living to my self defined Morality stick o that I could always assess if I am right or wrong and thereafter access the related emotions and feelings, in a closed loop that once I boarded I believed I was unable to step down from

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is a 'right and wrong' as I heard soo many times that we have to teach children 'right from wrong' as we make each other stupid and paralyzed into belief systems instead of teaching that Life is Equal and One and allow Common sense of Equality and Oneness to develop for each one without rules that can never fit every situation in life, as life is moving and every point has to be assessed for itself in self honesty for what would be Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as 'bad' when I believe I have done something wrong, according to my own accepted and allowed morality system, instead of seeing and realizing that self judgement is NOT in fact self correction and that when I see myself judging myself I have to stop, Breathe, assess in self honesty if what I did that is causing me to participate within self judgement is system wrong or was Not Best for All, if system wrong I need to find what I have stored as the original instruction in my right and wrong morality book and self correct to equalize myself to it, if it is Not Best for All, I can stand up forgive myself and correct myself to realign to what is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when I judge myself as bad with the desire to justify myself because I don't like the way I experience myself when I believe I made a mistake, because I have this idea that 'good people' do not make such mistakes as the ones I make, and so I move into the judgement of me as a 'bad person' and from there I desire to, first justify myself and then see how can I share the blame or how can I blame in full someone else

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give in to blame and sharing blame in fear of how I will experience myself if the Judge in me will Rule that I AM WRONG and BAD, as I believe that the wave of shame that I feel every time I make a mistake is just too much for me to endure and that I don't know how to stop that experience of myself, instead I can stop, breathe and return to the physical to stabilize myself and walk through the unpleasant experience to delete it with self forgiveness and self correction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire as a kid that my little cousin would be blamed too, as I perceived there was blame on me in my family, which I believed was the cause of my feelings of guilt and shame, while his family looked at him like the apple of their eyes, and so I would throw his toys out of the balcony and then wait for the mother to come and get angry at him, because in my mind that way, I would see someone else being blamed and judged, and I could feel better about myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, due to the extensive self judgement I lived with, desire to see others being blamed and judged when I was a kid, and to feel a sense of elation when it was someone else and not me at the mercy of our Educators/Parents as I felt better about myself because among us all that could be judged and picked out, shamed ad made to feel guilty, it was not me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was bad for holding secret desires as a kid to see other kids judged and condemned as wrong/bad so that I would not have to feel so bad about myself for my own self judgements and self condemnation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to teach kids the 'right and wrongs' of our ways that define what a Good person is all about, robbing the newly arrived on the planet of their chance for common sense in favour of a system of morality that defined the rights and wrongs of existence up to the minutest detail without any common sense but just so to make sure noone would ever challenge the system or they would be made to feel 'wrong and bad'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself through my Morality Character using memories as thoughts of other times in my life when I did better, spoke better, wrote better, within the sense of what is right and what is wrong, as I have accepted and allowed myself to be taken on memory lane by my Morality Character and shown moment of my Life where I was apparently a better person that I am now, so I would be able to compute how much I failed and fell into the cracks of my own mistakes as 'wrongs', when if I slow down I can see that most of the memories that come up in my Mind as my own bashing tool are manipulated and huge chunks of 'what really happened' are missing to fit the agenda of Each of my Characters while I just board the ride to self judgement as 'the way things are'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not notice that all my self judgements based on 'Morality', come from a memory as a thought, in which I compare myself to what I am doing to what I SHOULD be doing if I were a good person -while I am not - and for failing to see that this System Morality always leads to the same place, to make sure that I do not change because the burden of self judgements as My Morality Code is just too big to shake off and that if in fact I am a good person I must LIVE with it, as the consequence of my life, words, thoughts and actions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that to escape my self judgement I have to do the Moral/Right thing, which is to judge myself for my wrong doing, because if I do not AT LEAST judge myself where is my goodness and my morality, instead of seeing and realizing that this self judgement is standing in the way of my change and that I must let go of my desire to be good as the Morality Character in fear of my own self judgement to be able to stand for what is best for All without restraints

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist applying self forgiveness to all the events in my Life that I see as the source and files that I use against myself when I step into the Judge Character because I have judged Self Forgiveness like Forgiveness as the 'Easy Way Out' of my perceived 'wrong doings' instead of seeing realizing and understanding that Self Forgiveness is no Way Out and is not at all a Cop Out, it's just me giving myself another chance to stand in Oneness and Equality and stop the Self Abuse as Self Judgement as the point in which I feel like shit but I get to at least feel self righteous for judging myself mercilessly

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge self forgiveness as the eraser that will lift me from my responsibility as consequence of my life, because within the Morality Character and the Moral Judge of myself this is not acceptable as I have judged responsibility for consequence as suffering and I have resisted giving up my suffering because then I won't be a good person anymore as I have embraced suffering as the Right Punishment bestowed on myself by my Judge Character in my desire to be Good and doing what is Right and Just

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to equate Justice with Punishment, because our World system promotes punishment as Justice instead of Self Correction, with the result that I have been punishing myself as I embraced the sentences of the court of my own Judge as myself as Guilty as Charged, and yet I failed to see that I was the one setting the Charges, the Judgements and the Punishments, and as such I can let it go because realigning myself to Oneness and Equality cannot come from my suffering and punishment but only through my Self Forgiveness and Self Correction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that some punishment in our Justice system are not harsh enough, because as I punished myself harshly for every mistake I believed I made or every wrong choice I believed took, so should the system, as leniency only shows weakness and as we know, spare the rod, spoil the child

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire my own self judgement as the punishment of myself for my careless life that I have judged as mostly 'wrong' through my Morality Character, instead of seeing and realizing I have been lost in a Character Play with other Characters and that correcting ourselves will come through unconditional self forgiveness first, because it' s only through remitting our sins that we can remit everyone's sins and this is how self forgiveness will work inward and outward until we live in a for-giving world for All and no longer in a for-getting world, where we forgot our self responsibility to our Self and all of Existence Equal and One

When and as I see myself attempting to, about to, or already making judgements about myself through my Morality Character, I Stop, Breathe, remind myself that I have seen how this plays out and why, breathe myself back Here into the Physical until I let go of the desire/need to judge myself

When and as I see myself attempting to, about to, or already making judgements about myself based on what is right and wrong, I stop, Breathe, investigate what beliefs/definitions am I holding regarding a particular point that I have charged negatively as in 'Wrong' or positively as in 'Right', so I can write it out to investigate its origin and correct myself through Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Application

When and as I see myself desiring to be right, fearing to be wrong and the judgement of myself as wrong, I stop, Breathe, look at what it is that I am fearing as my own potential self judgement, so I can release the fear and dig into my experience to find the origin of my judgements of 'potential wrong' and release it through Self forgiveness and self corrective application

I commit myself to stop my own self judgements as I see realize and understand that when I judge myself I actually believe I have done my part, as I have learnt from religion, that once I say 'I am wrong' I do feel devalued BUT I am now back to being Good and Right by my own admission of being wrong and bad, and that this is not effective to Correct myself until I in fact DO correct myself through self forgiveness and self corrective application AND Change myself in the physical

I commit myself to no longer participate in self judgements based on Morality in which I use one Character as support for another that can stand as a Judge to the actions, thought, words and deeds of my other Characters, but to consistently bring myself back Here To Stop this Character play Once and for All

I commit myself to flag myself for the self judgements of me that may come up automatically that I can identify through an emotion of guilt or shame, breathe, and investigate how and why I reacted so I can clear myself and equalize myself to my experiences to see where and how I need to change so I can script my correction to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

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Day 145: The Judge - Judging Myself and Others as Characters

This Character is one of my oldest and as such, most treasured.

Maybe treasured is not the right word, because this is one nasty Character, let's say one of the most familiar and yet uncomfortable, one of the most abusive and yet well known, letting go of some of my Characters feels like leaving behind an old time abusive friend, once you learn to live with the abuse you fear you'll miss them when they won't be around anymore.

I remember being a kid playing "the Judge" in the courtyard to establish who was Wrong and Who was right regarding disputes.

I remember as well a comment made by my mother to someone, praising me for being a natural 'Leader' and 'Moderator' and how good it felt to be praised for doing something worthwhile with my life at 5-6 years old.

Courtyard disputes were usually about stuff, toys, bicycles, who should play with whom, who said the wrong thing who said the right thing.

At the time I had not realized that my special position as a Judge was granted to me by being the one who had the biggest access to the Money system, as I was an only Child, never competing for resources within the family -until a new man came into the picture- and the only granddaughter as well, lavished with both gifts and Money that, as I wrote in another post, I could hide from my mother and gave me a sort of autonomy, I was somehow spared from the crawling all kids had to do to get into their parents favours to get what they wanted.

This put me above the crowd and as such, as the natural Judge of my Environment, like the TV Judges who have no Power in the reality of a courtroom but limit themselves to the recording room of the 'Judge TV Shows', my recording room was my courtyard.

The elation of my new role was short lived, because as soon as I embodied the Judge Character, the Judge started to Judge me as well, which was not what I had in mind when I self elected myself as the Judge of others due to my wisdom=as access to Money and yet, once the lock in to this personality suit took place, the nasty side effect of self judgement became more obvious and I started to experience doubts and anxieties, both on my rulings, 'what if I did not rule for the 'Right' One? What if I am influenced by my friendships ties? How can I be Wise to uphold this Judge Role with Fairness and Justice? 

Most of these questions were for sure prompted by talks with my mum trying to explain to me the 'Right and Wrong' of my new Character and how to try to be impartial when I expressed my opinion about others, something that we did not practice at home, as all the Opinions my family expressed, especially on my grandparents side, were absolutely biased and always designed to depict someone as 'bad' if they had fallen from their Grace, some of the comments made behind closed doors about people to whom they had smiled just 5 minutes before were scary and evil, they often threw in my mum as well and asked me to participate in the bashing, this was a point that ended up making me physically sick, in time I saw there was a correlation between my dinners at grandparents and my anxiety as I tried to not upset the boat by standing up for my mum and yet judged myself mercilessly for not doing so.

I don't have memories of much of the same happening with my mum, she actually tended like me to feel guilty and ashamed for saying certain things, not that the point of 'thinking certain things' is any different from speaking 'certain things' if not that they are not shared and exposed, and yet we have been granted by this world the knowledge that whatever happens in your mind is a bit like Vegas, as long as it stays in Vegas no one is the wiser.

Yes, it's true, no one is the wiser, as we drag our lives from one judgement to another, about ourselves and everyone else, the everyone else is like the chicken or the egg, still unclear who came first, did I start to judge myself first and then projected my judgements on others, or did I start to judge others first and then had no choice but to start to judge myself? Are there 'Others' by the way?

As I wrote I saw that self judgement started first, it must have, how could I start to think about judging another if I had not been shown what judgement is, we learn through example, so every time a parent criticizes their kid and passes judgements about how they express themselves, sit, walk, speak, eat, and then trying to access their mind with 'what were you thinking?' so they can judge their thoughts as well for being appropriate or inappropriate which is when and how we retreat into the mind to never again investigate what it is that is going on with me, where are these Thoughts coming from, how did this 'Thinking' business started and why don't I seem in control of it? WHO is thinking? Is someone living in my Mind doing the thinking? Why do I have thoughts I do not agree with, as Oscar Wild used to say?

So the self judgements piles up and then looking for relief, the judgement goes outward, to show oneself that I am not the worst, there is worse out there, look carefully, let me dig out some of their 'Secret Mind' bullshit and expose it, then we can all have a Judgement Feast, let's invite friends and celebrate our nastiness, see how we can outdo each other, who has the guts to judge the most, say the most awful things about another as The Truth, justifying how we crawled all the way under the scum of the Earth out of the Fear of being Judged, ending up Judging for a living, because when the Judgement of Others Stop, I am faced with all the Self Judgement I have not dealt with and God forbid I should open that damn of my own self created damn-nation, just to be swept away into nothingness and annihilation.

Will follow tomorrow with Self Forgiveness and SC to stop my participation in and as The Judge standing as  Judgement of myself and others as the Characters of Existence.

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