There is a point in everyone life where we are either terrified of turning out like our parents or proud that we did, I am not sure which case shows the least brainwashing, apparently none because either ones accept in full the Mindset of their parents or tries to create a Whole New One for themselves, pity we don't seem to notice that what we use to create The New MindSet, the Raw material can only be what we have been given by the environment we share with our parents, by our Parents Mindset and their behavioral patterns.
There is therefore nothing 'original' in this world, an original is something that is created from nothing with nothing that has ever existed, according to the dictionary the definition of Original is
- Preceding all others in time; first.
- Not derived from something else; fresh and unusual: an original play, not an adaptation
- Being the source from which a copy, reproduction, or translation is made.
and none of us came First.
As I wrote in my previous post 'Is the Freedom we Seek Someone Else's Enslavement', I have realized that I had specifically alienated the word Freedom from myself not as something I could Live, but as something to obtain.
In this parents play a pivotal role, I actually remember the day when my paranoia set in, the day when I started fearing my mother and from that fear how I built a Desire to be Free, which obviously meant my acceptance and allowance of my NON Freedom, a desire to be FREE from her which came to represent Fear in my Life because see, parents actually believe they own their children, when my mum was angry at me she would say things like 'I am your maker and I can un-make you'. This alone was pretty unsettling when I was a child and it brought up many questions about who really owned me, obviously those that fed me, I was a Property, the Birth certificate is a Deed that gives Rights to Parents over their Children (and to the State over everyone), it is actually legal that children are Owned by someone, because they are Slaves, born from Slaves and indoctrinated into the Slavery of Emotions and Feelings as Reward and punishment., just to be then introduced into the World Systems as Slaves of Money as Reward within the Fear of Punishment of Jail - just to state one.
How many have boarded the Guilt Trips with mum? or played the Blame game with siblings? or the Jealousy Game with Parents who play the child as they please, filling children with fears and seeking their tears to state who is the Boss, who is the Slave Master of the Plantation where their own Unforgiven Faults are planted as seeds that will grow into an ineffective Human, a product in fact, they are the Corporations little Elves, they make their children less than themselves so they can be more, establish Authority, put their Sin-natures on them, give them names, define them, encage them into personality plays that the children create in compliance with the many rules of their Rulers, never to be Equal, because Slaves can't raise Equals, just Equally Enslaved Little People.
When Children finally gain their 'Freedom', they are in fact buying it, no one gets out of the Family System if not entering the Monetary System and doing so becomes a Desire, joining the other billions of Slave Wagers becomes a Dream as we hope to outgrow our Slavery only to join into the Mainstream one, The WorkForce, where no one is paid enough to have a proper Life but just enough to survive.
We have created a world of Survivors, those that make it to outgrow their families and their clutches and all the energetic games that go all the way from emotions and feelings (You will hurt me if you do that - if you loved me for real you wouldn't do that- I am so disappointed at you- You ungrateful little shit.....) to the Money power games, those are just the playout of the same energetic games of establishing superiority in a world of Inferiors, Infirms, unable to move because it's either the energetic play that rules or the Money play to hold children back, to make sure they will build the life that were designed for them by their parents and that will toe the system line, obeying the Rules, The Laws which are nothing but Coercion into specific System Functional Behaviors.
Then, when a child enters the world, having understood that he can only Rule at this Game through Emotional Manipulation or through Money, he/she will do anything in their power to achieve one of the 2 MasterShip and either become a manipulative psychopath or a Rich psychopath, because the Ultimate Power is in the Money Game, and as we got it, we want to give it back in a loop of automated retaliation, but we won't be as obvious as our parents, we will get the Money and then BUY out other people's Lives, because Life is on Sale, you just have to name the Right Price.
I will continue tomorrow on how this intertwined my life with the world system and how I realized that this world is a Slavery System from which no one is exempt and how we try to buy our freedom enslaving others with the energy either of Emotions and Feelings or the Energy of Money, as within, so without.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that whenever I reacted to my mother I was in fact her slave, enslaved to the triggers that she herself had placed in me which were her own triggers about inadequacy and for not seeing realizing and understanding that it is not about blaming anyone but about stopping the cycles of abuse so that we won't pass on what we have learnt to the children of the future but instead create for them a supportive world where energy is no longer the master of this creation either through thoughts emotions and feelings, or Money
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mother had my best interest at heart because I feared severing this relationship because the suffering that defined this relationship defined me and allowed me to live in a place where I did not have to be responsible because I was The Product of a Faulty Manufacturing Chain and as such, it was The Manufacturer responsibility to sort out my life and not mine
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to justify my mother and what she did because I felt pity for her and her inability to control herself without seeing realizing and understanding that as I justified her behavior with me, I justified what I had become as The Product of her education and I justified the belief that 'we are only human' 'everyone makes mistakes' granting to myself carte blanche for the mistakes I would make and for which I would not have to take responsibility as I accepted Human nature as inherently faulty and Evil and nothing we could do something about
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accumulate anger toward my mother and her energy games to such an extent that I resorted to pot to not kill her, to be able to manage a civil relationship instead of losing it as she used to do, because I feared that if one day I lost it there would be no return and I would not be able to control the damage I would inflict on her in retaliation for what she did to me as I was growing up
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I met my ex husband and he told me how he hated his mother and how he would never be her friend if she was not his mother, to feel a kinship, an attraction, based on the similar history of physical abuse that we shared and for not seeing, realizing and understanding that I was attracted to him because in my mind he stood up to her when he slapped her back and told her he would kill her next time she would lay a hand on him - while I accepted and allowed myself to subject myself to many more years of abuse just because I did not want to be the one that disowned a mother that would keep crawling back one way or another after her major outbursts
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to never sever the relationship with my mother because of Fear of what I would do if I failed, if I fucked up, considering that if I did it was her fault and she would have to provide a place for me to fall, because she made me and therefore she was responsible for the life I walked all the way to the end
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that with the solace of blaming another for who I turned out to be, I lost the power to change myself, because the power to change oneself and one's world equally can exist only in self responsibility and within this I forgive myself for abdicating my self responsibility in exchange for the safety net that would catch me when I would, eventually, fuck it all up
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that as I created a safety net for when I would fuck up, I then had to fuck up, because I tolerated the relationship with my mother to ensure that I wouldn't fall in the nothingness of existence and that was the point were we could even out our balance sheet and for not seeing, realizing and understanding that it is because I held on to a balance sheet that I had to fall, as I set this up as my desire for reconciliation, as a point where we could square the books instead of forgiving it all and walking an effective life for myself from which no one would have had to save me
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to endure verbal and physical abuse because I believed that made me better than my mother when I didn't get down to 'her level' and proved that I was not as crazy, because I taught a limit to the voices in my head that they would not cross about suggesting I physically harm another while she had no limits and within this I forgive myself for imprinting myself with the viciousness that I transformed from physical into My words, and for using my words to harm others, to destroy, to belittle, instead of learning from what I saw did not work and creating something that worked for what is best for all
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not want to open the Pandora box that is my relationship with my mother and face the anger and the hatred that I felt and believed to be who I really am in fear that if I did I would never forgive her instead of seeing realizing and understanding that my mum was out of control and it was nothing personal and that she relied on me as a safe outlet for her energy outbursts that she did not know how to handle because she did not have the tools of self forgiveness even though I stand witness to how much she tried every therapy under the sun to effectively change herself - without result
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a Paranoid character regarding personal/intimate relationships, in which I feared that people I came in contact with could hide the same destructive thoughts that my mum would conjure up and for not seeing, realizing and understanding that I actually feared myself and what was in me of which I perceived I didn't have full awareness but should be ugly because I was a Clone of a woman with an Ugly/Disturbed Mind and I couldn't hope My Mind to be any better that what it was cloned from
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my own self trust as I made it my scope to live a life of suppression for safety reason, unwilling to share myself, unwilling to have children because I feared who I was and the damage I would replicate if I allowed myself to share myself or have children instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that in the FEAR of what I would discover if I were brave enough to dig into myself I could have healed and that I can heal now, by bringing back to myself all the scattered pieces of my existence, so I may realign myself to Oneness and Equality and stop my existence as a damaged/damaging piece of this Creation.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the Illusion I have become, because I feared no longer existing instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am not my thoughts, feelings and emotions and that I can stop myself from believing I am my past, I am my miss-takes, I am Inadequate, to rebuild an Adequate Mind that can stand in the face of what we will all have to face to straighten this world into a place where we can honour and trust each other, forever more.
I commit myself to keep investigating where I have invested pieces of myself in relationship to my Family, so I may bring all points back to myself to realign myself to Equality and Oneness and what is best for all, for myself and all of existence, Equal and One.