Post 91: The Memory Dealer - Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

From yesterday Blog and the self realization of how I have used memories to put others and myself back into Character/into 'my/their place' according to what I meant to obtain in support and validation of myself as a Character of and within the Mind.

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT realize that memories as pictures are actually thoughts, and when I feed others the picture of a moment in time, I am feeding them a thought that will lead to emotions and feelings that together with the thought belong and define A specific Character I want them to play as I do not want to move out of my own Character from which I am not dealing the 'memories/thoughts' from

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I felt ashamed of my mother and what I saw clearly that she was trying to do To Me, by offering a range of memories as thoughts that I should/could have engaged so as to not upset her Character and convene that she was in fact right, instead of seeing and realizing I was ashamed of myself for having seen and realized in that very moment of her showing me how it's done, how I have in fact done this all my life to everybody as me when I felt threatened that I could be confronted as a Character and that I would have to step out of it and Change

I forgive myself for feeling guilty the next day after having this commotion with my mum as I saw that I myself have lived a life in which I have deliberately crucified people to their past as memory/thoughts, believing that guilt will excuse my behavior and that feeling guilty is 'good enough' so I don't have to address this Character in depth and let go of my chance to pile up and use ammo against others when I feel Character threatened and as I see fit, just to preserve myself into the Character that I have chosen to embody through my own participation in memories as thoughts that activate me as a Character of the Mind for which I would fight for, even though this Character is NOT Real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, even though I saw that I was not always the same Character throughout my Life or with different people, still assume and believe that the Characters I played had any value because I wanted to be real and like the Characters I played, and I did not know who I was when I was not in Character/playing a Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Stepping Out of Character with Loved Ones, because I feared that I would lose the support of my Mother, in the specific, instead of realizing that unless I do step out of Character I don't give her a chance to step out of her character, and while I pretend to do this for Love, I only do it out of Fear as I fear losing myself as the Character I can see I have to step out from which is 'The Daughter for whom the Opinion of her mother is Important but she pretends it's not'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Opinions Matter, even though I have seen and realized and understood that Opinions belong to Characters that I play, and that are NOT real, and that fighting to uphold opinions, mine or of someone else, means I am in Character and not Here in and as Breath were thoughts are NOT engaged and so  I do not step into a Character that holds an array of irrelevant opinions that when I am in Character I believe are important

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see how memories are in fact the thoughts that come up in picture form, as I saw the other day when I slowed myself down enough while my mum talked, and I saw how I could have stepped into any of these pictures/memories/thoughts and into a whole Character and in that moment I saw what I have been doing to others as myself, holding them prisoners of memories as thoughts/pictures so I could keep them in Character, blaming them for not letting me go, let me break free, while all the time it was me holding myself prisoner of my mind through memories/pictures/thoughts that delivered me straight into Characters, that fought for their life and their right to be free to exist

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was 'a Freedom Seeker' as a Character that I have made up to project outward my desire to break free from myself as the mind, yet failing to see that as a Character I can only Create other Characters, the Freedom that I sought and fought for was just another Character play of my 'Freedom Seeker Character' which I created in separation of myself as Freedom Here in and as Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the Words

Do you remember...

You said...

You told me once...

Last time I saw you...

I'll never forget the time...

I never said, did, thought ...

I thought you said/thought/meant...

as introductory lines to what I will be serving next, which is a memory as a thought, to establish the placement of a Character I wish to engage that I know engages with me in specific ways I feel comfortable with, so I do not have to face my fear to Change and let go of my Character play once and for all, to allow myself to expand, breathe and finally Live.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire isolation because parts of me had become too aware of this Character play and I perceived myself as lost between Characters that I did not know how to turn off or stop, as they were obviously ruling my life with my own permission and blessing, failing to see that the reason why I started All this Character Play was so as to not have to take responsibility for myself, and so every time I blamed someone/something outside of me for something I did not want to be responsible for, which was ME, I split myself into a Character to whom I myself gave power over me by stating She/Character was the one who did it, while I was not aware or looking, and since She/Character had power over me while I was not aware or looking, every time I was not aware or looking all the 'Shes/Characters' I had created would have a field day taking over me as The Mind while I felt abused and victimized and failed to see it was all my own doing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live a life in which I pretended to be alive while I let every Character I created take over my mind by activating them deftly through the recalling of a memory/thought that could bring up a whole set of Character-istics I would not have to think about, because I had stated clearly what each character was in charge of, which was whatever was the point that originally created the Character as my way of not taking responsibility for 'that point', and in this delegation galore, I had no Air Time for myself left to breathe, while my Characters competed for Life, for me as Life, as I sat back besotted and bruised everytime I came out of a Character play just to assess the damages and the consequences I would now have to walk, hopefully through another Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Consequences are bad as they come after having made a mistake, which is bad, and so when I realized I was ONLY living the consequences of my life and nothing else I saw no reason or desire to live and I wished I could in fact die and get it over with, instead of seeing and realizing that consequences are not good or bad, as I am not good or bad, nothing is good or bad, it is what it is, and if I in Self Honesty can see that my Life needs to change and I have to change to allow this change to happen, than all the miss-takes I made have been useful as they brought me to the point of self realization and the will to take self responsibility for myself and stand as Self Directive principle for myself and What is best for All for myself and all of existence, Equal and One

I commit myself to stop dealing in memories as pictures/thoughts that I offer to others to keep them and myself in Character, when and as I see the desire to use one of my delivering sentences that I have identified will be followed by a memory/thought/ I stop, breathe, check in self honesty what it is that I feel threatened by and remind myself anything threatening is a threat to the existence of a Character and therefore Not real, so I breathe myself back Here until I am stable before I share anything with someone

I commit myself to investigate the memories that flash through my mind as thoughts that I see I was about or moving to consider to use against another to keep them and myself in Character, to check what is the Character I was wishing to embody and why, and what are the Characteristics of that Character I have separated myself from and believed I can only live through a Character and not as myself s Life Here in every moment of Breath and use that moment to gather information to dismantle that Character through which I have separated myself from until the memory/thought no longer  flashes through my mind

I commit myself to stop my belief and fear that Consequences are bad, since Consequences is all I have at the moment to walk until I get myself out of the Mind as the Con-sequence generator, instead I take the Consequences as a point I can use  to support myself to walk a path of self correction, having brought into my Life the clear result of what was the consequential path of each character I have lived and embodied and reminding myself each moment why it is necessary that we stop this excuse of an existence to embrace ourselves as Life in Oneness and Equality

I commit myself to stop all judgements about my Characters that stand in the way of my seeing clearly what is going on when I step into a Character or when I see myself desiring to Step into a Character through the flashing of memories/picture presentations of distorted moments of the past that seem so inviting yet I can clearly recall for each moment the consequential side of what they offer as alluring, so I can stop my existence in and as a Character and return myself to Life in and as Breathe for myself and All of existence Equal and One

Day 89: Hold the Ladder Mum, time to go back on the Cross

Since I started DIP, i have had a secret desire to see the relationship with my mum work, so I could have a point of stability given that I perceive and believe I no longer have anything else to lean on and if can I stand on my own absolutely alone in the world.

So I kind of enjoyed the delusory point that we were not fighting that there was 'harmony', yet I saw that the reason there was harmony was because I played the supporting role to her Character and accepted to stay in my own role, The Daughter.

Two days ago she called me to complain about friends who did not show the proper respect, I have walked this respect point myself, the dynamics were clear even to her, when I pointed out that the reason why I was not ooohiing and ahhhing about the story was that it was clearly all her doing and I knew she could see that too as it was a repeat pattern of investments in people who did not pay back.

I have seen this pattern in myself , The Investor, yet I was not very longhsighted to see that this obviously included me, who has received benefits, like housing almost for free since I came back and my paying back IS in fact required, at least by being absolutely supportive (within our Characters play).

This was a fear as well that I secretly held about process, that I would come to a point where even famiLie would blow up and that I would feel naked, losing my Daughter Character within the famiLie and not knowing how to walk back into it, even for the sake of peace.

So yesterday when she called to pay me a surprise visit, I was 'happy', in my mind I read it that she was over Her Character and we could now have the Peaceful New relationship (based on New Characters, less evil and demonic). It really shows how the Mind is a very poor Consigliere that makes up stories that is in fact better to never believe.

So when she came, I missed the signs, having worked on myself consistently I am just starting to understand the difference between standing up and fighting nail and tooth, I used to 'think' they were the same, but they are NOT.

The differece is that when you stand up and bring yourself Here, much of the outside play is not activating you as Characters with the same frequency and deft change of costumes, you get some Air Time yourself in between, and you start to see more clearly what is really going on.

The reason was I missed the signs of belligerance when she came in was becase I was NOT in Character, not in the usual Daughter Character in which I would be looking out for signs of wars to come, so when she went to war I could SEE what she tried to do, she tried to nail me to the cross of memories, she switched into the memory keeper and when she saw that the recent stuff was not affecting me she dug back in time, for further away memories, she offered me A Range of My Characters on a Silver Plate to choose from, as long as I picked one we coud go on playing because 'she was having none of it of me staying out of Character'

In this I felt a slight anger, not the all consuming anger I use to feel in the past, I felt pity as well, and shame for us as Humanity at what we have become and what we do to each other.

Due to this twist of events, the play unfolded 'out of Character' to the point that she laid out all the game up to the Money bit, because let's face it folks, it's always about Money, if I stop being the supplier of energy I must pay with another energy currency, Money.

She started with 'I fear for your future' mirroring back to me my own fears and when this did not work as planned she had nothing left but to say 'I fear that you will spend the money of the house, be left with nothing and then I will have to give you some of the Half of my money, which instead I desire to spend because yes, I always said I don't like Armani clothes or to go on holiday, but who kows, maybe I do, so you are free to do whatever you decide as a business as long as you don't 'think' to come to me for help if your business turns sour because I won't give you anything else than the half of the house we decided on', and so the fear for me, for my future, the motherly love, the daughterly love comes back to this, an exchange of energy either in the form of energy as Characters support or Energy as Money.

We created this world, where nothing is Real and everything is just an excuse for self interest within a system of survival, we better get down to fix it because we might be born again into it and have to face the same shit as to what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become while we pretend that we are not really in truth doing 'that thing we do' to ourselves and each other.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to built a Character that hoped that I could change the relationship with my mother if I changed myself and that we could live happily ever after, because I did not want to face the point that we turn nasty when we stop playing and supporting each others' Characters

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that this last relationship of my world would have to crumble and I would have to face the point that I have never loved my parents and they have never loved me and that love is just a lie and a cover up for energy games and Character manipulation and within this I forgive myself for believing I am the fear of being alone in this world with no one to 'lean on' in case of need

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Fear of Aloneness and of being uutterly Alone in the World is Who I really am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'Everybody needs somebody sometime' like Dean Martin sang, and for believing that 'you are nobody until somebody Loves you'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I lose the relationship with my mum I will crumble because she was the only real point of Unconditional Love in my Life, when I always knew that there was nothing unconditional between us, but we had created Characters to pretend there was so we could feel good about being a loving mother and a doting daughter, none of which were Real and within this I forgive myself for fearing losing the relationship with my mum

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn nasty when someone did not stay within the Character we had agreed on and desired to move on, and I used memories to nail them on the cross of Time to put them back in the Character I wished to interact with, switching from one memory of defeat to another to bring them down so they would not be so cocky in the future in stepping out of Character without my permission and agreement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand there while my mother tried to drag me down memory lane and for feeling surprised because I was not reacting even though she gave me plenty reasons to and I wondered if I was still alive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Stepping out of Character and be the cause of the commotion that I saw my mum go through yesterday in the desperate attempt to nail me to the cross of the past memory that should have activated me into what she wished to interact to, but did not

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take the bait from my mind today when thoughts about yesterday and my NON reactions kept popping up as something I should consider and maybe feel guilty about because my mum brought up so many points from the past that before would have upset me,  and in the not getting upset and stepping out of Character I did not only bother her but myself as my own Mind who today looked for ways to nail me on the cross of Time and memory to put me back in my place

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that I can only become upset when in Character, taking things personally and that if I do not, I am not being 'insensitive', I am just not taking personally what she says about me even if it is 'about me' as I realize the Me she is talking about is just a Character.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself because I did not react as in 'this is not healthy, you are suppressing' while I knew I was NOT suppressing because I would have felt the reaction and go for it, if a reaction had taken place because the reaction would have driven me Back into a Character, and that I judged myself simply because I am not used to not reacting and seeing in the physical the difference between standing and reacting, and how standing in fact forces others out of Character because it is the energy of the reactions that keeps the Characters in place and not the reaction that forces Characters to step out of Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself today to 'think' about what happened yesterday, as if it was My Duty to have a review, when in fact nothing happened inside of me and this is the point I then desired 'to think' about, having registered the non reacting as an anomaly, as out of Character and trying to put myself back into my own reactive Character because I am still not familiar with having such a huge blow up and not spending days 'thinking and tormenting ' myself about what I could have done differently or said differently to prevent such a blow up, which I failed to notice is The Clever Thinking Character that came up and I just walked straight into it for some solace in my own familiar thoughts and thinking patterns

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I felt shame FOR my mother and what she was trying to do when I saw the memories that she dug out for me to embody in the Character play that she laid out for me to walk, instead of realizing I felt shame about myself and what I have always done to others, pinning others to the Cross of their Characters through digging up memories of their past mistakes or failures according to my own definition of miss-takes and failures, living a Life of crucifixions, which I have never noticed before contains the word fiction, as in fact all these play outs, including the crucifixions are only imaginary of myself as The Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist facing the point that famiLie are not what we want to believe they are, a place of solace and unconditional acceptance, they are instead the first training ground for the Ruthless Character game, in which your Death is my Life, as Characters live to outplay each other to the last drop of blood, and that Love is the biggest Lie ever told to cover up what is Really going on within the family system as a way to hold everyone in place within the Imaginary Character Game of Memories of the Past, where the Past is Never Over, because we are and have become The Past in the Flesh and dontyouthink you are gonna get away dear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live as The Past, as Memories and for forcing others into The Past as Memories, chaining All of Us into this Character game, instead of letting go of the Past, because The Past is Over

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad today when I took the bait to replay everything that went on, yet I could strangely not bring up word for word of what my mother said, which I was always able to do in the past as a way of filing ammo for the next fight, which gave me both a sense of relief and a sense of loss as I see my own Characters losing the grip on reality and fearing myself having to step in as the Directive Principle of Myself to stand in and as Breath for What is best for All as Life and All of existence Equal and One

I commit myself to no longer participate in the fear for my future and in the fear of aloneness as I see, realize and understand that Fear is never Real but something I make up as Me as The Mind to keep myself in place and in Character

I commit myself to let go inside of me for good, the desire and the Hope for a good relationship with my mum, as that may come at the price of me having to live in Character and so this is the last choice I have to make about what I am willing to give up for Life that I believed was important, yet I am willing to give it up absolutely for Life and What is Best for All, even if it means having to accept that I am after that alone in the world, yet I am not Alone as I stand for and as Life and the ALLOness of All.

I commit myself to no longer take things personally, even when things are about Me, as I see realize and understand any Me that holds an opinion about Me to defend, is just a Character

I commit myself to stop the crucifixion of myself and Humanity, by holding myself and others within a limited Character play, using memories, words and moving my body specifically in ways to evoke emotions and feelings to move others in and out of Characters so that I won't have to fear standing Here in and as Breath out of the Character play

I commit myself to stop my existence as the Thinking Character as I see, realize and understand, that there is never a good reason 'to think about it' or 'go and review what happened' because The Past is what the word says PAST and I won't find ANY solution ever within me as the Thinking Character because ALL of my Characters are flawed, and Flawed Characters do not hold any solution that is best for Me and best for All, as they just hold what is best for them as Characters are just like the Money System and do not care about Life, and when I am in Character I do not care/I cannot care about Life as I can only care for myself as a Character in Fear for its own survival

I commit myself to stop the awkwardness I have embodied as 'what do I do now that I have no reactions? Am I normal? Am I alive', as I see realize and understand that I had defined being Alive as Energy and Energy movements within me but I am not in fact Energy and that it is OK that I will take some time to get used to move myself as Self Directive principle and not have Energy as Characters Moving Me, because I have seen, realized and understood that Energy is Not Life and has gone nuts and when I allow Me to be driven by Energy I am nuts too, and this has to Stop

I commit myself to stop my existence as an Energy System to birth myself as Life Here in and as Breath for myself and What is Best for All as Existence Equal and One

Day 87: 'The Rejected' Character

Yesterday I received my first official rejection letter for a job I have applied for.

There could have been many reasons, no longer the age because I have removed the date of birth from my CV, could have been the money I asked, could have been that they had another person that was coming from their specific sector, many many reasons.

Instead I took it personally, I felt 'rejected'.

My mum called today to tell me a story of fights going on with her friends, they were all stories about rejection, how could they not be ?

I failed in the Supporting Character Role and was told to 'go and fuck off', I said 'you too mum'. There was no reactions on my side, just the disappointment that I failed to support the Character just to step into Character at the end, it was a fun relaxed mocking 'fuck off', yet I was back in Character.

The Rejection Character is a second hand Character (maybe a 10000 hand down, still fresh as New), it was passed on to me as a family memory, a memento of a Life that my mum lived as 'The Rejected' by her own mum, and then by her own dad and she ended up living with her grandmother, so To validate this memory and be able to live out this Character I sought my own rejection experiences to charge the memory, validate it and bring this Character alive as me.

I breathed life into it, as the God of my existence.

My first memory of rejection is the story that I was not loved immediately when I was born, this story did not match the story of the loving mothers who would give their life for their children, my mum did not, possibly she suffered post partum depression of which nothing was known at the time, yet, when I heard her the first time share this story with some of her friends I felt a wave of shame, then sadness and I wanted to go to my room and hide to hide the tears, I was not wanted, not loved as soon as she looked into my face, Rejected.

Since this memory was linked to a Character that had to live in and as me as part of my preprogramming, I still remember the memory of that moment, the shame and the anger as well that she would share this with her nothing friends, make them more them me, share this just to entertain them, to show how honest she was about herself, I felt hatred as well for my mum, a rightful hatred.

Interesting because when she would through the years bring up again and again the story of when she was a child and one day she run to her father to show him affection and love and he pushed her away and how much this damaged her, I would think 'Enough already, get over it, you were5 years old, 65 now, we are still talking about it'

Now I see that my irritation was at myself as I knew I myself treasured my own memories of Rejection as the fuel and lifeforce of my 'Rejected Character'.

My mum was always outspoken about her fear to be rejected she would ask 'let me in, I'm not the dog's daughter' when she would catch me and grandma in conversation.

I did not manifest this Character in the same way, my Fear of rejection was too big to be exposed, exposing this point would give others a weapon against me, they could always reject me if they knew what I felt and how damaged I perceived myself at every new rejection incident, so this Character is one of my Secret Characters, never spoken about and when spoken about would be to be denied, I had no fear of rejection, anyone could leave me any time, good riddance to them.

Everytime I would perceive a rejection I would physically tighten up and feel tearful, bringing back to me as me the memory of my First rejection and the emotions and feelings I filed with it.

Memories of rejections and Myself stepping into this Rejection Character

My mum saying she did not love me at first sight

My mum standing up for other kids against me

My mum standing up for her boyfriend vs me

My mum being angry at me and not talking to me for days

My mum telling me 'go and think about it' so I would have to investigate what I did or said to upset her and until I got it she would not talk to me

My grandfather not wanting to talk to me when I run away from home at 17 and came back one year later from Ireland

One of my boyfriend that told me he was going back to his previous girlfriend

When I was the mistress of a guy and he told me he was going back to his wife

When I had a fling with a guy who forgot to tell me he had two children with a girl and he went back to her after telling me he wanted to be with me

My ex husband that I feared regretted to have married me

My ex husband who did not come looking for me to take me back when I left home after 7 years of marriage

My ex husband who told me NO to sex or sleeping together because it would have 'complicated' things between us, when we were already separated one night that I was drunk and I made a fool of myself

My best friend after I wrote a possessed letter to her and then tried to clumsily apologize but she told me NO, basically, I no longer want you as my friend

I see I have actually fared pretty well in my loopholes of the Rejection Game :)

The Secret Thoughts of this Character

Fuck off
I don't need YOU
I will show YOU
You will see
You will regret it
You will miss me (this now comes up as the most pathetic)
You'll never have another woman like me

The words I would speak while in the Rejection Character

That's It
I'm tired of this shit
I don't have to take this shit
I don't give a shit
See if I care
I won't look back


Facial expression
Indfference

Body stance
Ready to leave
Taking my things, packing up

Emotions & Feelings
Embarrassment, Anger -suppressed-, feelings of inferiority/superiority, Righteousness, Self Pity, Fear


Self Forgiveness and Self Commitment Statements to Follow Tomorrow