Day 344: Is the Freedom We Seek Someone Else's Enslavement?

When I was a kid my mum told me that 'My Freedom ends where others freedom begins'.

It is very difficult to put the 'idea' of Freedom in writing unless I look at it from the perspective of what Is Not Freedom.

A particular point of my perception of lack of freedom rose up in the past few days, it went all the way into physical manifestation of discomfort, of constriction.

For a few days I resisted looking at this point because I could find good reasons why I was in fact really constricted and why really my freedom was under attack by unwelcome schedules and repetitions.

Of course complaining about it felt petty, since people who have in their belt 24 years of jail like Nelson Mandela told of how he managed to feel like a free man, proving that our perceived enslavement when we are not physically restricted in any way, and even when we are, is just a fabrication of our Mind.

Although one may note that there is a form on enslavement going on on our planet that goes way beyond the economic enslavement we have manifested, we are Prisoners of Our Own Minds, we are jailed within Ideas and Beliefs and Opinions about Others and the World, we are jailed by our own definitions of words such as 'Freedom' and what that meant to me until someone pushed for me the point of constriction until the bubble burst into memories as the blueprint of my feelings of constriction/encagement aka engagement to my own Mind.

I am a kid, forced into summer camp, usually an only, lonely child suddenly thrown into group dynamics, into kids as results of all sorts of households, little bullies who couldn't care less about Jesus and being good because they had already learnt that while good people go to heaven, the bad ones go everywhere, get everything and they were molding themselves to become successful world abusers.

So I withdrew into myself and waited for the time to go home.

Another memory, I am a kid, my mum left me with my cousins, they were all friends bar me, I was the last arrival, their mother always taking their side -my mother always taking other kids side, when is my fucking turn-, spent days sitting on the stairway to the road gate wishing my mother to walk through it, uplifting myself from the whole experience, creating a sort of waiting room inside myself where I am queuing up to go home, I know I will go home, it's just a matter of time, so I go through the motion, polite but to myself, mingle but never to the point of possible conflict, I am just doing time, until I will be Free again.

Another memory, rolling over in the big bed with my mum, I am about 13, she asks what's wrong and I say 'I want to be free', she asks me to define freedom - I realize I have no clue, I know I can't miss the chance to get My Freedom, she is willing to show me that I am Free and I am willing to show her I am not. I say 'I want to go for a walk', she said 'go', it was 10 in the evening, summertime, I get dressed and walk downstairs to the courtyard and then out of the gate, I'm out, but not free, because now I am worried about the limits of this Freedom, my mum didn't give me a curfew but it was in the air, there was an expectation that my walk should happen within a 'Reasonable' amount of time, so now I have 2 words undefined 'Freedom' and 'Reasonable', I walk fast, Not Feeling Free at all, feeling in fact tormented about how long can I stay out, what is the limit I am not supposed to cross because the limit was there, unspoken. I meet a friend of a friend and we start talking and walking together, by the time I return home my mother is in her pajamas out of the gate looking for me, my heart races, this is the end of my Freedom, the poor guy doesn't understand he says -'why are you so worried, I will explain everything' yeah, right, we get to the gate, he has a silly smile on his face and says 'don't worry ma'am, she was with me :)'...'and who the fuck are you??? Better move along boy' he stopped smiling and left, I instead crossed all the courtyard kicked in my ass by my mother, so long for Freedom...

So, there you go, enslaved to memories about perceived Lack of Freedom, a Slave of My Mind, so logically my best definition of Freedom is isolation, it's where nothing hijacks my mind, where I am in control and there aren't people pressing triggers here and there uninvited, like they were welcome to do so when they are Not, has been a hassle this life to keep it all together, I could have ended up crazy like my mother and if I didn't is because I didn't allow people to walk all over the minefield that I have become, their Freedom to do so end with my Freedom to not be done so and yet I missed the simplicity of sorting out my triggers as The Road to Freedom, because no one has power over us unless we accept it and allow it by NOT sorting ourselves out, which make us Enslaved and not Free, we are Never Free if we take thing personally or if we can be 'moved' by emotions and feelings to do or not do something.

We walk our lives not seeing this point and so others who have realized our big 'Freedom' chip-on-our-shoulders go to any length to Sell it to us, we have Freedom and Democracy, we have Freedom from Pain, Freedom Fighters, Freedom clothes, lifestyles, the Freedom of Choice, All those Freedoms are Lies because they are costing someone else their Freedom, their Lives and so it should have become obvious that That is not the Freedom we seek when we look for breakthroughs -from what?- or evasion -from where?-, it's ironic that we are willing to buy what we could give to ourselves for Free - but we don't.

Then How do we believe that the Freedom we are not willing to Grant to Ourselves for FREE, can be given to Us by those who Own the World and are not into the predicament to give it away for Free anytime soon, since it's a sellout product, and use ever imaginative ways to prove to us that we are Free and that we Can Buy More Freedom if we just Invest in It, or else that we are at risk to lose our Freedom, the one we fear to lose but that we know We Never Had, just to have someone go to jail for 24 years come out  and tell you that he was the Freest man he met, because he freed himself from his own fears, hatred, pettiness, spitefulness and stood up for a World that Would Work for All - but it didn't come True because the Freedom he hoped to teach others and give to All, can't be given, can't be bought, it's a Free Gift, you just must be willing for-giving it to Yourself and All Equally.
And that is the Only Enslavement-Free Freedom that Really Exists.

Day 295: Redefining A "Negative" Childhood

I did not like being a child.

Starting with being smaller in size than the adults, being unable to reach the top shelves, the table, having to sit on phone books to be as tall as others while eating.

I did not like as well the fact that everyone seemed to be in charge of me and my time but me - an issue than then developed into a resistance to discipline which I perceived to be the "real Mind Control' of existence, hence I rebelled to discipline and in line with this I reacted to the post about Jesus having Disciples - meaning people with Discipline applying his message, a wave of annoyance came over me as I read the word 'discipline', a word I connected to the Catholic schools, summer camps, life with parents and then with partners and ultimately, to prove discipline was in fact a fuck up, to the Army.

It's interesting to revisit my past to see how shaped myself into the person I am today, often I get pissed off as I realize how much of this system is deliberately built to create ineffective human beings, what if we had embraced discipline from childhood as a tool to greater effectiveness vs something to rebel to, just to end up slobs without a spine that can't push themselves to complete tasks for the goals they set out to accomplish? And we call our spineless existence "Freedom" and then we fight to defend it, not the clever lot we like to think we are.

I never went to a Montessori institute, instead I went to a Catholic kindergarden for 4 years and not the prescribed 3, because my mother was working, and then 5 years of elementary school, the nuns would be the other end of the spectrum from Maria Montessori, they lived to dwarf children under the weight of fears, guilt, shame and gender issues, they depicted a world of giants, the trinity, saints, martyrs, all great people I never wanted to emulate if for no other reason for the fact that they had to die to become that great.

On the other hand, Maria Montessori understood that children did better and developed more healthily in an environment were the world was sized for them, she may not have got it all right but she did put herself in children's shoes, in the Montessori world you would have child sized toilets, tables, chairs, it was to support them to feel "au pair"/Equal to the adults and their environment, having their world sized for them vs feeling dwarfed by it, but then again, why not dwarf children, that will turn them into spineless adults because hopelessness and helplessness start at home, in the family, who else could imprint those feelings and emotions more effectively than the family?

I remember thinking that I would grow up soon or later and the need to ask the adults to hand me over the things I could not reach would be over, I always looked forward to growing up, to the freedom that I didn't perceive I had as a kid, born dependent to be raised dependent to become dependent human beings.

It's possible that addictions start when we are in fact kids, our addictive minds are forged at home, not only through copying the behavior of our families, but through internalizing the need to be helped out, the fear of not being as big as others, to not be able to manage tasks as well as adults hence the dependency from family that then turns into dependency from substances, the abuse of sub-stances until there is little left of what we could have been and become in a proper supportive environment.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that without my family I would have died

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hate being dependent on my family for survival from the big points - like being fed, clothed and housed, or the small points such as having to ask others to reach for things I could not reach or for permission to do what I wanted to do with my own time

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to resent being a kid among adults

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I was diminished by the presence of adults in my life and for blaming them for my experience of 'smallness' when in fact my experience was the result of my comparison to them in terms of size and ability to do things and not real

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to have a place for myself where adults would not continuously interfere by checking what I was doing or planning my time as this resulted in the perception that I carried on throughout my life of not being free and then seeking for freedom in the guise of an undisciplined life where I could do whatever I wanted to do whenever I wanted

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that life sucked because I was shared among family members in summer like my step grandma who didn't like me but pretended to when my grandpa was around or my uncle who liked to kick me in the butt to prove 'who was boss' both of which left me with extensive suppressed anger that I  did not express in fear of their retaliation and a feeling that I just had to wait to grow up and then I would tell them all to go fuck themselves

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have a fixed thought as a kid "just wait til I grow up" that I used to get through my childhood, imagining that I would leave and never turn back to those people that I believed were the cause of my anguish instead of realizing it was my participation in thoughts emotions and feelings that created the energetic experiences that I then blamed on my family and their behavior

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel humiliated when my uncle would kick me around in front of others to prove his authority when my mum was not around and for holding a grudge and hatred toward him together with spiteful thoughts on how I would just leave one day and never turn back

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel like an outcast with the kids of some of my relatives when I went to spend part of a summer with them, ending up sitting on the steps of their summer house imagining my mother walking through the gate to take me away, without seeing realizing and understanding that I was busy creating the 'loner' personality as I ended up assuming that you can never trust anyone to have your interest at heart, not even your family and that being alone would be my safest bet in my life - which then created friction inside of me every time I had a relationship and I felt my partner walked all over my resolution and commitment to aloneness by just being around

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel torn between my mother and my grandparents as I was asked to take sides once a week by hiding some of the things that happened at home to my grandmother and some of the comments my grandparents made about my mother, never feeling like I could be honest and just exist but having to always be on the lookout to remember what could be shared and what must not be shared to not anger anyone

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to associate Life with living with my family as a kid and being alive with finding ways to navigate the dangerous emotional minefield of my family, ending up always putting myself in a state of stress and anxiety, which resulted in me splitting in various personality that could handle and manage my family dysfunctions at their best, investing each character with the specific role to handle just one side of my relationships so as to make sure nothing would be overlapping and causing problems to myself and others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty regarding my inability to be myself, to be just one and not many different 'me's as that felt like a betrayal of myself and a point of constant stress when the different parties would gather and I would have to choose how to handle myself within a Character that could please them all and within this for giving in to addictions later in life to cope with those personality switches I believed I had to keep up for survival that were extremely energy consuming 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that I would turn out like my family, to live in anxiety for not knowing how I could prevent that as I felt that their very presence around me was toxic and yet I had nowhere else to go, and for believing I was not free and I would have to set out on a journey to Freedom which included leaving my family behind as within this I defined my freedom as dependent from being away from my family and as I came back to Italy, I walked back into the feeling of entrapment that I left behind when I left, without going to the root of the problem to sort it out once and for all

to be continued

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Day 237: Capital-Lie-ism - The Lies We Tell Each Other

Our World is a Rigged Monopoly Game.

The point of us not even realizing it is more astonishing than anything that has been going on since we were born. The rights of the people have diminished, all social bumpers have or are disappearing, and we find that even the middle class, or aspiring middle class is seeing some 'not-so-common sense' in reducing the benefits for the People. Are they not The People too, are we not All -the People of this Planet?

Given the current state of Human Nature, the ones opposing a system change must either be on the receiving end of this system of abuse or hoping to get there, and this applies to many who call themselves educated too, they fail to see where their Education came from and if we attempt to expose the system to support everyone to wake up, at best we are called Conspiracy Theorists, at worse, Utopians, for wanting to change the system to a system that would benefit All.

So, lets try to debunk some of the lies of Capitalism we tell each other, we'll take just a few for the purpose of stimulating the desire for others to investigate what is going on and to wake up to the point that their dream of making it to the top, it's just that, another DREAM sold by the system to guarantee that the HOPE of personal gain will keep them pacified, aspiring for those upper places in the pecking order of this World.

The first big Lie we live is the delusion of Freedom and Democracy within a system where some, who have piled up all the resources, write the Laws by influencing parliament to promote and vote in the direction they want to stir the whole game, they bought out the Justice System, but even better, they saw the chance to go directly at the source of their problems, so they could affect the Legislative process which should be meant to be designed keeping All in mind and what the needs of most, especially the underprivileged by design, are.

And we are not talking big benefits, we could just start with the basic human right to Life, which at the moment is denied to those that cannot access resources through this MEAN we have invented, Money as the middle man that gives access to vital resources such as water, food, shelter and then the resources to guarantee to be able to access this MEAN to Vital resources, such as Education, Health care and generally speaking, a system of support, not to "the Scum of the Earth" as it seems to come out from all the talks of the rich who feel they are always in peril of being overtaxed in support of the "lazy poor", but to the people from which we are in fact stealing, to those to whom the equal share of this planet bounty has never been given. Most of the greatest wealth is built on the backs of workers who are not even retributed enough to make it comfortably to the end of the month. It is important that they are not, paramount, because when they can't make it we can sell them something else, DEBT, what a GREAT idea, and they won't be able to refuse the offer, because DEBT has become what our economy runs on, we have created a CULTure of debt and lack for most but the few that sit on top.

The second most damaging Lie we live, is the Lie that all those who are born in this world have Equal opportunities to make it to the top through their dedication and hard work.

This should be a point not even worthy of debating, because believing such things is a blatant show of out-of-touch-ness with the world, and therefore we have to look at WHY we believe the unbelievable, there must be some pay back in our beliefs that would stop us from seeing the world for what it is.

One thing I can say from my own experience as a Love and Lighter, is that when I did not want to hear about poverty and famine and how hard some had it, the basic force was Fear, it was the fear that I would have to face the truth that something was terribly wrong in this world and that if I allowed myself to uncover the first BIG lie, it would have been an unstoppable domino effect and my castle of cards would have come tumbling down forever, and that was not an option I was willing to even consider.

But looking behind the fear there was another motivating force, and that was Self Interest, because if I did acknowledge that something was terribly wrong with this world and with what we were doing it would be like knowing your husband is cheating, then you have to make a decision, you can't keep pretending everything is fine, you are called to stand somewhere on the issue of Injustice and this world of Abuse, but if I didn't look and told myself stories about this system, one of which was that we all have equal chances, I could keep the cheating husband and the lifestyle I had and just go on pretending that everything was just dandy.

The third lie that we tell each other  is the trickle down lie, the assumption that if we make the rich on top richer, the wealth will trickle down. This is obviously another lie spread by the Rich, but it's not a New Lie, it has been going on for the last 50 years if not more, and yet all the numbers prove that not only that didn't happen, but the situation for those at the bottom has become worse. Yes, because as the riches piled up on top, the scoundrels had more Money to splurge to bend the system, write Laws in their favour and basically dis-empower the bottom line of the ones that were now reduced to blatant slavery, to the inability of even conceiving standing up, as they were deliberately forced down with anything that came to Mind, Fear of losing their jobs, homes, health care, freedom of choice (AS IF they ever had any) and last cherry on the cake, fear of Terrorist attacks, setting up a Terror Alert System to be able to turn up and down the Fear levels inside people on command. That we should concede, was a Master Stroke.

So, as we moved into this well designed and planned FEAR World, we lost any power to stand up and say enough is enough, not that this is true, but we Perceive it this way, we perceive the whole game has become too big for us to be able to change it, to be able to research independently what is going on in the world and assess by ourselves, without any outside help what is going on and what needs to be done.

We are writing a solution to a New World, we are proposing to redesign a Capitalism that works for All until we can let go of the Money Construct altogether, it will require the standing up of many Beyond Fear, beyond the Complacence of making do with a system that is downright abusive and basically, just plain crazy, where we consume finite resources as if they were infinite and then dispose of the garbage we produce in all corners of the world, considering oceans, rivers, the land, the air, our personal rugs under which we seem to think we can sweep all the crap we don't want to face until further notice, while we are not even clear which notice should be issued, and by whom, if we are planning to give each other a wake up call, or if the planet will have to just throw us out as the parasites we have become.

Reconsider your views of the current system, the game is rigged, give up all Hopes that you may sit enthroned up with the Big Guys, that Club is on invitation only and we have not been invited, but we can design a World for All, where all Human beings of Good Will are welcome to join to stop what we have become and create a world that effectively works for All, without Poverty, Famine, Crime, Pollution of all our resources, and all the other consequences we have created and are busy creating by upholding this system of Profit vs Life, a World we can be proud to call Our Home.

Join Us @ Equal Money.

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Day 189: Social Engineering - The Illusion of Choice

I am still walking my Food Persona as that is quite wide and has many facets to correct.

Within this today I knew I watched this great animation about Choice, which tied in quite nicely.

I will take this delusion of Choice into my relationship with Food to start with.

So, as a kid, my mum was raising me single handedly and we did not have Money for Choices, we just had enough Money to survive, she would shop for food once a week and I would watch the fridge empty out til the coming Saturday when we would shop at the Open market again. I did not like that, as toward the end of the week food choices would become limited, specifically because I had other choices in my life, I could go to my grandparents who lived comfortable lives and open one of their 2 always overflowing fridges or just go shopping with them to fill the cart with 'whatever I wanted'.

In Italian there is a saying my mum used to repeat to me 'The 'I want' Grass only grows in the King's garden', meaning I had no rights to 'wants' but only to 'needs'. On the contrary when I went to my grandparents I had plenty access to the 'I want' grass, they didn't only make it available, they pushed it on me, they were the Pushers of my Illusion of Choice.

As I started to walk back my Life in Self Honesty I had to face the fact that my grandparents 'Love' for me was in fact 'Spite' toward my mum, they enjoyed giving me what they were still not willing to give to her, they enjoyed the friction this created between me and my mum as that made them good when they feared to be bad and that they were the cause of some of my mum's mental problems, and they were too.

On my side walking back has brought me a lot of shame, as I saw and realized how I made up a whole bunch of Characters to cover up what I experienced for selling out my mum for Riches and the Illusion of Choice, for the Hope of my own place in the Paradise of the Rich, I would have dumped her anytime in the Money Short Hell she created for herself -this one of my justifications, she built the life that sucked and that she was now living out, why join in?-, but that was not enough, I had to make it her fault. These days when I read the comments on our posts about 'how good we are truly' I feel rage, not to the people that post the comment, to myself, that I could ever even believe it and cover up my misfits with Love and Light it took some balls, in truth my mum was the most caring of my Family which is why possibly she was the one struggling the most with Life, she would pick up stranded strangers, always step in to break a fight, she stood up for injustice so I feared that I might end up like her if I ever cared too much, with one foot in a Mental Asylum and a backstabbing family and made my choice. 

Stick to the rich backstabbers, keep your friends close but your enemies closer.

This of course drove my mum closer to craziness, sometimes she would try to make me give back what I was given by my grandparents or not allow me to go on special trips and treats, that was her way to try to lever the Field, to reduce the unfair advantage she perceived they had on me as she could not match the Money required to buy me out, my price had gone up on the Family stock market and she didn't have enough Money to sit and play.

Coming from a Catholic background I had to live with the perception of myself not as One of the bad Apostles, but as Two of them, I was both Peter and Judas, Peter as the traitor, every time I promised to myself I would stand up for my mum, but then like Peter, before the cock sang 3 times I was sold out, and then Judas for the freaking Sweets, give me my fix, give me my happiness in a candy wrap, I'll give you the woman you want, my life is safer with you anyway, what if she does end up in a Mental place and I have alienated you? No fucking way.

So, Food as the Illusion of Choice became the bag of the 33 dinars, food became the unhealthy thread that justified what I did and since I condemned myself for my sell out, in my own condemnation I kept this link alive, I con-damned myself to this servitude to Food, made it my Master and became its slave.

Where is the Free Choice in Our Lives, Really? Aren't we the product of our environment, of the information as 'genies' we download from our family line, of our society passed on and then embedded in the Flesh Fears for our own Survival,.

Where was my Free Choice to be something else, where is our Free Choice now when our Lives are tied into a Monetary system that thrives on the Illusion of Choice, showing us continuously how much Choice we have starting from Food, look you can have 350 types of cheese, 50 types of cereal, 200 types of candies, 300 types of drinks, we'll tell you which ones to buy by flashing into your brains Happy ads to show you Which Choices to make, follow the happy faces, the Happy dreams, the happy boxes, drawings, characters, follow the Illusion of Choice, it is deliberately created, Avracadavred into the World Harry Potter style, Believe It, you are SO FREE, look how much Choice you Have even only about FOOD, follow the next trend, the next white rabbit, because if you do wake up to the fact that that's about it, those are The Only Choices you are prompted and designed to believe you can make, not the Choices that Matter, like where is Public Money spent, on which Priorities, who says that arming a country to its teeth against Imaginary Enemies is a Priority and not a Mental Illness, don't go there, stay focused on Food, look what we cooked for you, grated, spiced up, minced, don't look at the substance, look at the Magic of It All, or this System runs the serious danger of being Fucked for good and asked to Change Once and for All.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a state of servitude between myself and Food in the name of my delusional, illusory Right to Free Choice

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the Food 'Choices' I was given by my grandparents were not meant for my good but for other energetic manipulative reasons that involved my mum and what was best for them and not what was best for me or my mum

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my grandparents loved me MORE because they gave me access to everything I wanted while my mum did not, ending up associating 'Love' with being given something, being rewarded, being pacified, abdicating my responsibility toward myself for Self Love and Unconditional Self Acceptance

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to sell out for Food and for perceiving and judging myself like a traitor and someone who did not deserve to live due to what I deliberately did to my mum by choosing my wants over what is best for all and for entering a spiral of embitterment that I believed could only be placated and sedated by Sugar and Sweets

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make up Characters and Personas to justify why I had a right to do what I did to my mum because I could not face the shame I felt for myself and how I would do it again and again just to stay in the graces of the rich people of my family and when the shame became too big I split into alternate personalities that had reasons and motives to justify my behavior

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to treasure my right to "free choice' without realizing that I was never Free and that I was choosing between poisons that my family would happily feed me to conquer me and my love in the face of the fact that the food I chose was not good for me nor supportive to my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent my mum cheap approach to shopping without realizing that she did not have a choice and she did what she could with the money she had, but since I had embraced my new "Rich Granddaughter Character" I grew in Entitlement and resentment in the same proportion, seeing my mum as deliberately NOT wanting to cater to my wants, unlike my grandparents, and therefore Not Loving me or she would have done it differently, she would have given me MORE and especially MORE choice, instead of just feeding me for sustenance without caring about my preferences and whims and desires

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my sense of Misery for having to return home from my grandparents home on her making Her responsible for the Choices that were not available to me at home, failing to see that my mum was just a slave in a system of Inequality and the fact that she tried to make her life work did not make her less than a slave, but just a slave who tried to survive day by day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my mum as someone who was doing something 'wrong' because if she was right, like my grandparents, married and rich, she would have a husband and more money and I would have had a better Life instead o the life of limited choices she could offer to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the system was fine and it was my mum out of whack, because this system worked for other people, like my grandparents, instead of facing the injustice of the system we live in, where a mother has limited choices and can be overcome, deleted, annihilated by others who have More Choices, because we are all secretly seeking our Right to Choose in Self Interest, instead of standing up for the Right of All to have access to the Same Good Choices and stop all suffering on Earth once and for All. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify this system, hoping that I would make it to the top, not like my mum who didn't and seemed to not even mind about it, instead of seeing that a System where some have All Choices and some none must be a System that is Not Right, and for deliberately missing out on this point even when faced by it inside my own Home, because it was easier to blame my mum for her underachievement than to stand in Self responsibility as a point of self correction to guarantee that a Dignified Life and Equal Choices will be available for All, and they will within an Equal Money System which I support unconditionally, for myself and All of Existence, Equal and One

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Day 169: Deleting the Corruptible Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as a child connect Money to a positive experience, as I associated Money with the image 'my problems are solved' and a sense of relief' (which could be why we call foreign aids 'relief' as well, which begs the question 'if we understand Money to be a Relief, meaning that those that don't have it live in a constant state of stress and anxiety as to how they will make it another day', why is MONEY NOT given to All Equally?)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as a child, perceive Money as my independence from my mother, as the 'thing' that allowed me to have what I wanted without having to justify why and how I spent my money in the pursuit of my desires, money that I received in 'secret' from my grandparents and on which I had absolute indisputable control as my 'freedom'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as a child, associate my secret money to an idea of 'Freedom' as in having My Own Money makes me not accountable for my actions/spending, which is exactly what happens to those with lots of Money, who believe they are not accountable for their actions, because Money will buy a way out of anything

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as a child, when in the presence of my grandparents or people that I knew would give me 'pocket money' to transform myself into whatever they wanted like a circus performer, so they would reward me with the Money as energy as positive experience, that I desired

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as a child feel a mixture of guilt and excitement when 'secret' money was given to me that I knew I could hide and not have to justify to my mother what I spent it on, associating Money with 'excitement'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a child to believe that Money was what everyone was after because it moved secret dynamics of energy within my family and fears when my grandmother would say to my mother 'I will delete you from my will' or when she gave her some 'pocket money' to spend as she wished

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect Money with 'Love' and the feeling of 'being loved/cared for' because anyone who would part from their money to give it to me, must have loved me because Money was the most important thing in the world, nobody wanted to part from

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed as a child when I had to be on my 'best behaviour' to have access to money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel excited when I knew we were about to visit one of the people that was on my list of 'money lenders', because money was never given for FREE but always against something that I had to do, be or say in return for the 'grant'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use money in my life as a manipulation tool to make people do, be or say something specific, using money as the positive energy that rewards the bending of a Character to my will and for having been the Character bent to someone else's will because of Money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the corruption outside of me, when in fact I have accepted and allowed myself to be corrupted by Money outside and Energy inside as the positive experience I sought and achieved when I was in possess of money, was given money or was paid money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as bad for my relationship with money and for hiding from myself how important, and infact vital, money had become in my life and in everyone's life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when I was part of the positive thinkers and LOA,  say that Money is Not important, just because I had plenty access to it, and for preaching that Love is the most important thing in the world, just because I didn't want to seem attached to money because being attached to Money is negatively judged by society -and therefore by myself as a member of society

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that we were taught to feel bad for wanting seeking Money, so that the ones who had it could keep it for themselves and not be challenged about it as we fell under the weight of the negative emotional experience

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Not realize that everyone is secretly or openly attached to Money due to what Money has become in this World, a Life resource without which we are left in the cold, homeless, starving and ultimately if sick, dying because we don't even have the Money to access the Healthcare system or medications

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed that money played such a big role in every single interaction in my life, in which, whenever I met someone either for business or privately, if the topic would move onto Money, I would automatically move into my Corruptible and consequently 'What's in it for me' Character, because I  connected Money to a positive experience that when is mentioned I want to have access to

I fogive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn Money into a tool for abuse of myself and others instead of seeing Money as a tool for support of All Life Equally, and for not questioning why, if Money is now the key to access resources and Choices, is not given to All Equally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny that Money plays a vital role in this world, because when I had money I could down play it, because I Had it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spread the lie of LOA that said we all have equal chances in Life to have what we want and desire if we align to it, when in fact we DO NOT have Equal Chances because a Child born in war torn Darfur will not have the same chances of one of the Rotschild's children

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify the Inequalities of this World through the belief in reincanation and the 'Idea' that everyone chooses the life they walk into, when in self honesty I have a long list of lives that are currently playing out that I would not have chosen for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself and my mother 'I am not like You' meaning I am not attached to Money like you, always calculating and checking what you can spend and where, not because I was not like her, but because I disliked this trait in her as 'Cheap' and as negatively charged, so I did all my calculations and money planning within the secret of my Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was disgusted with myself because I saw that when the Money topic came into any conversation, I would change my posture and perceive a state of anticipation as in a Pavlovian reflex, and for subjecting my body to this energetic abuse for the sake of an 'idea' and definition of Money I myself accepted ad allowed within me as Me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when moving into this Corruptibe Character, dislike myself and perceive I could not trust myself and in fact shouldn't, because this Character, and all others, never make any common sense what's bes for all choices, but just what's best for me choices and in no way can I trust what comes up into my mind after I have seen myself shifting into the canning Character of Money, but instead I must STOP MYself, Breathe and do not make any decisions until I no longer perceive myself as pushed and shoved and in the grip of Energies as The Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect Money to the experience of shopping as happiness and worth that I projected in everything around me, including people, places, countries etc.  as I saw last night with my ex husband when he said 'Italy is now lousy because it's grey, few people aound and ALL Shops are closed'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when counting Money, touching Money, looking at Money coming out of the ATM machine, feel this happiness as an energetic movement of empowerment, because as I allow this money driven empowerment, when I am not Money driven I am disempowered and this is how the system is keeping us all locked into the perception of 'not being abe to move, not being able to change anything' as who we are as Money is integrated within our bodies and we will have to undo what we have done to release ourselves and this world from the grip of Money as our Master

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the current Money System is a gambling system, in which 99% loses and 1% wins and that we are the ones that have to come together as a Solution to this problem, giving up all hopes that we may be winning because the 1% that could win has already won and is NOT putting back the Money on the game table for All to have Equal Chances at this Game, because by now they bought the game and they hide their profits offshore so they won't even pay taxes on it and are basically supported by the poor al the way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Hope to win at this game, which is how The Game holds us in, because we have not left the table and moved on to create a system in which the Money that is used now will simply no longer be valuable and the New Money will be distributed to Everyone Equally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that we are born into a rigged Monopoly Game and that games like Monopoly are created to imprint ourselves with how the system works, so that we will always know, from when we are children, that not everyone wins, but just one, making it normal that the majority has to lose AND PLAY for 1 to win, or we could call off all games and get up from this unfair game and set up the New Rules of the game to benefit All Life Equally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that if I were asked to sit at a Monopoly Game in which everything had already been distributed, land, hotels and resources, I would notice that the game IS NOT played that way, because we have to start with Equal Opportunities and this is why Money is distributed Equally at the Monopoly Game, and yet we came into this world and insist on accepting that THIS Game is played Unequally, just because someone said so, the meagre 1%, but they have spent so much Money con-vincing us All that we now believe it, and even believe that it is normal that resources of the earth be owned and that such a thing cannot be changed because we are only the 99% , DUH

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a Child, when I asked about why not all kids eat, when told that I was lucky because I did eat, and when asking why in Africa there were Poor kids we had to send stuff to, accept the brainwashed answers of my parents, my teachers, my priests, nuns and all the other zombies that walked this earth before me as Truths, because I lacked the vocabulary to tell them that what they were saying that they insisted made sense, DID NOT make sense, because if we kept sending goods, food and toys to Africa, there should come a day when we did not need to, when we had effectively Equalized the field, and yet I let another 30 years go by before asking the same questions to myself again, such as WHY has Charity Failed, why didn't we manage to feed the World when we throw away food, why is it OK to let people die of starvation and we have been unable to solve THAT problem while we went on the Moon and now Mars? And for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when raising the point that we should in no way leave this planet until we fix what we have here as problems that are costing people's lives, be dismissed with the 'logic' that we need the technology that comes from space travels, such as the microwave or other things that further our c-evil-azation, when in fact we have no civilization going at all, because civilization would mean a society in which all are cared for, from birth to death, and not this world in which much suffering goes on while we justify our technology as an advacement and fail to see, we keep advancing stepping on those that are left behind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when my e.h. said 'go change the world but don't make too much damage' feel off-ended, as if this 'Mission' was not important, making this remark personal as in patronizing as in 'go on little system, let's see how far you go with your foolishness' about 'changing the World' and for perceiving that as he said, this is an impossible task, because he is scientific and knows better than me what it takes on a Project level to move to the finish line, and yet this is not at all impossible, because I am not infact in charge of the World, but of Myself, so as to no longer be a random piece that exists in separation as self interest and greed, driven by an imaginary idea and a fictionary energetic experience, but in alignment with Breath Here as One Piece of the Whole, addressing myself as all Self, in Self correction to realign with Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live One and Equal with the Shame I felt for this existence and that I suppressed, because if I didn't I would have to look into that shame and do something about it, such as investigating what is this existential shame we all share and feel, until I would have uncovered the truth of Who We Are, as the very leeches of Existence that leave a wake of Death wherever We move, for the Love of Profit and Money.

I commit myself to flag every single energetic experience I have in connection to Money, so that I can stop my existence as Corruption inward and outward, and realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for ALL

I commit myself to breathing to come back to the Physical and to not allow myself to be driven by Money/Energy as the search for a positive experience/happiness but to stand in and as Breath for as long as it will take to manifest a World that is Best for All 

Related articles

• Day 73: The Money Supply - Part 3
• Day 88: Capitalism vs Socialism?
• Day 105: Human Liberties
• Day 109: Politics as a Double-Faced Game
• Day 111: Evilution - Neocolonialism - Part 2
• Day 107: Getting Reality to Conform to an Illusion
• Day 170: Letting go of Little Miss Money Bags
• Day 146: Forgiving the politician in me
• Day 97: The Uselessness Monster - Self Forgiveness
• 172. Creating Excuses instead of Solutions

Post 91: The Memory Dealer - Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

From yesterday Blog and the self realization of how I have used memories to put others and myself back into Character/into 'my/their place' according to what I meant to obtain in support and validation of myself as a Character of and within the Mind.

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT realize that memories as pictures are actually thoughts, and when I feed others the picture of a moment in time, I am feeding them a thought that will lead to emotions and feelings that together with the thought belong and define A specific Character I want them to play as I do not want to move out of my own Character from which I am not dealing the 'memories/thoughts' from

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I felt ashamed of my mother and what I saw clearly that she was trying to do To Me, by offering a range of memories as thoughts that I should/could have engaged so as to not upset her Character and convene that she was in fact right, instead of seeing and realizing I was ashamed of myself for having seen and realized in that very moment of her showing me how it's done, how I have in fact done this all my life to everybody as me when I felt threatened that I could be confronted as a Character and that I would have to step out of it and Change

I forgive myself for feeling guilty the next day after having this commotion with my mum as I saw that I myself have lived a life in which I have deliberately crucified people to their past as memory/thoughts, believing that guilt will excuse my behavior and that feeling guilty is 'good enough' so I don't have to address this Character in depth and let go of my chance to pile up and use ammo against others when I feel Character threatened and as I see fit, just to preserve myself into the Character that I have chosen to embody through my own participation in memories as thoughts that activate me as a Character of the Mind for which I would fight for, even though this Character is NOT Real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, even though I saw that I was not always the same Character throughout my Life or with different people, still assume and believe that the Characters I played had any value because I wanted to be real and like the Characters I played, and I did not know who I was when I was not in Character/playing a Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Stepping Out of Character with Loved Ones, because I feared that I would lose the support of my Mother, in the specific, instead of realizing that unless I do step out of Character I don't give her a chance to step out of her character, and while I pretend to do this for Love, I only do it out of Fear as I fear losing myself as the Character I can see I have to step out from which is 'The Daughter for whom the Opinion of her mother is Important but she pretends it's not'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Opinions Matter, even though I have seen and realized and understood that Opinions belong to Characters that I play, and that are NOT real, and that fighting to uphold opinions, mine or of someone else, means I am in Character and not Here in and as Breath were thoughts are NOT engaged and so  I do not step into a Character that holds an array of irrelevant opinions that when I am in Character I believe are important

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see how memories are in fact the thoughts that come up in picture form, as I saw the other day when I slowed myself down enough while my mum talked, and I saw how I could have stepped into any of these pictures/memories/thoughts and into a whole Character and in that moment I saw what I have been doing to others as myself, holding them prisoners of memories as thoughts/pictures so I could keep them in Character, blaming them for not letting me go, let me break free, while all the time it was me holding myself prisoner of my mind through memories/pictures/thoughts that delivered me straight into Characters, that fought for their life and their right to be free to exist

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was 'a Freedom Seeker' as a Character that I have made up to project outward my desire to break free from myself as the mind, yet failing to see that as a Character I can only Create other Characters, the Freedom that I sought and fought for was just another Character play of my 'Freedom Seeker Character' which I created in separation of myself as Freedom Here in and as Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the Words

Do you remember...

You said...

You told me once...

Last time I saw you...

I'll never forget the time...

I never said, did, thought ...

I thought you said/thought/meant...

as introductory lines to what I will be serving next, which is a memory as a thought, to establish the placement of a Character I wish to engage that I know engages with me in specific ways I feel comfortable with, so I do not have to face my fear to Change and let go of my Character play once and for all, to allow myself to expand, breathe and finally Live.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire isolation because parts of me had become too aware of this Character play and I perceived myself as lost between Characters that I did not know how to turn off or stop, as they were obviously ruling my life with my own permission and blessing, failing to see that the reason why I started All this Character Play was so as to not have to take responsibility for myself, and so every time I blamed someone/something outside of me for something I did not want to be responsible for, which was ME, I split myself into a Character to whom I myself gave power over me by stating She/Character was the one who did it, while I was not aware or looking, and since She/Character had power over me while I was not aware or looking, every time I was not aware or looking all the 'Shes/Characters' I had created would have a field day taking over me as The Mind while I felt abused and victimized and failed to see it was all my own doing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live a life in which I pretended to be alive while I let every Character I created take over my mind by activating them deftly through the recalling of a memory/thought that could bring up a whole set of Character-istics I would not have to think about, because I had stated clearly what each character was in charge of, which was whatever was the point that originally created the Character as my way of not taking responsibility for 'that point', and in this delegation galore, I had no Air Time for myself left to breathe, while my Characters competed for Life, for me as Life, as I sat back besotted and bruised everytime I came out of a Character play just to assess the damages and the consequences I would now have to walk, hopefully through another Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Consequences are bad as they come after having made a mistake, which is bad, and so when I realized I was ONLY living the consequences of my life and nothing else I saw no reason or desire to live and I wished I could in fact die and get it over with, instead of seeing and realizing that consequences are not good or bad, as I am not good or bad, nothing is good or bad, it is what it is, and if I in Self Honesty can see that my Life needs to change and I have to change to allow this change to happen, than all the miss-takes I made have been useful as they brought me to the point of self realization and the will to take self responsibility for myself and stand as Self Directive principle for myself and What is best for All for myself and all of existence, Equal and One

I commit myself to stop dealing in memories as pictures/thoughts that I offer to others to keep them and myself in Character, when and as I see the desire to use one of my delivering sentences that I have identified will be followed by a memory/thought/ I stop, breathe, check in self honesty what it is that I feel threatened by and remind myself anything threatening is a threat to the existence of a Character and therefore Not real, so I breathe myself back Here until I am stable before I share anything with someone

I commit myself to investigate the memories that flash through my mind as thoughts that I see I was about or moving to consider to use against another to keep them and myself in Character, to check what is the Character I was wishing to embody and why, and what are the Characteristics of that Character I have separated myself from and believed I can only live through a Character and not as myself s Life Here in every moment of Breath and use that moment to gather information to dismantle that Character through which I have separated myself from until the memory/thought no longer  flashes through my mind

I commit myself to stop my belief and fear that Consequences are bad, since Consequences is all I have at the moment to walk until I get myself out of the Mind as the Con-sequence generator, instead I take the Consequences as a point I can use  to support myself to walk a path of self correction, having brought into my Life the clear result of what was the consequential path of each character I have lived and embodied and reminding myself each moment why it is necessary that we stop this excuse of an existence to embrace ourselves as Life in Oneness and Equality

I commit myself to stop all judgements about my Characters that stand in the way of my seeing clearly what is going on when I step into a Character or when I see myself desiring to Step into a Character through the flashing of memories/picture presentations of distorted moments of the past that seem so inviting yet I can clearly recall for each moment the consequential side of what they offer as alluring, so I can stop my existence in and as a Character and return myself to Life in and as Breathe for myself and All of existence Equal and One