Once I was no longer a kid the idea of negativity was already clear to me:
Negativity -a bad feeling place that is not nice to experience and is not appreciated by others, I never considered it wasn't even real, I was too busy staying away from it.
Of course once I defined negativity as a place I did not want to be, the search for positivity and positive experiences started.
I moved school to the intermediate school, the 3 compulsory years of education we had to do at the time beyond elementary school.
To the state it was enough that we could read and write, so we could sign cheques, mortages and effectively commit to our lives of debts.
I had the privilege of a private education, having experienced both I can say that there is absolutely no comparison between private and public education.
While my private education was tainted by nuns getting on their desk to show us how Christ was crucified or attempting to defame sexuality as 'the original sin', there was the real intent to teach.
I excelled in Math until I realized that what I did was not 'normal', meaning the way I saw numbers was not normal, math operations were like a movie in my head, I did not add or multiplied as I had learned, I just saw the numbers morphing into solutions.
When we were evaluated for our further education skills, I was told I would have to embark on scientific studies, I was designed for that, some of my math grades were embarrassingly high, I say embarrassingly because I was aware that there was no merit in what I did.
My mum made a lot of sacrifices to send me to private scientific studies, 30 years ago the yearly fee of my private school was 2000 euro.
When I arrived in the new school from the sheltered catholic life I had a shock, first the teachers changed for every subject, that was hard, plus the students were rich, way richer than my family and hence I had an immediate perception of loss of value.
This was externalized by how poorly I fitted in, I did not have the right clothes, the right accessories, the right bag, the right family, beyond what my mum did to pay for this school she couldn't do more, she worked many long hours in the evenings keeping the accountancy for the company my grandma was the Finance Director for, instead of feeling grateful for everything she did, I felt resentful.
I felt it was her fault that I had to deal everyday with those feelings of inferiority just because she wanted to send me to this upper class school, when we were not 'upper class' and this is when our relationship started to strain, I feel sad as I write this as I see how I have laid the first stones that I then had to excuse throughout my life always blaming her for our bad relationship.
In January there was an accident with a schoolmate, he told me his dad died and that was why he was doing poorly at school, I told the literature teacher so he could have some lenience for his poor performance but it turned out to just be a joke, they thought I was a softie and it was worth to mock the softness and the concern for others out of me.
When the story came out I felt embarrassed, stupid and asked myself what was I doing in a world I did not understand and where I did not fit in. I wanted to die, I took 2 blisters of pills, turned out they were nothing dangerous but I played the part with my stepfather for some pity, he said that would be our secret so my mum would not worry more than she already did about me. Nothing happened, I lived.
In February I gave up, I stopped going to school and went to the park instead, my mum worked it out only a few months later and told me to go and stay with my grandma for a while or she would kill me.
Of course my grandparents took the chance to play the 'good cops' and welcomed me with open arms for that summer.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the value of Life lay in the money we had access to, in our family "worth", clothes, external appearance, ability to buy what was trendy and to fit in instead of seeing realizing and understanding I was born into the consequences of a world we built in separation without consideration for Life
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for my math skills as I became aware I had no merit for how numbers solved themselves in my mind and for feeling bad for my schoolmates who could not get math because I failed to explain to them how what I did just happened to me and was not a skill
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe there was something wrong with me when I discovered my mind did not process information like the minds of the people around me and instead of asking myself questions about why some had some skills from birth and some didn't, which would have been the beginning of my questioning the whole validity and benevolence of this existence, I settled to capitalize on my birth skills to gain a "moreness" for myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my mum sent me to the new expensive school making it clear that we would have to make sacrifices for me to access this expensive education, to resent her choice to try and give me an advantage I did not care for instead of giving me the things that would have made me fit in, cool clothes, right accessories and a worthy family I could be proud of
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about resenting my mum and her efforts for my future and instead of looking at that guilt and correcting my stance about my resentment, find ways and reasons to blame her for my poor performance at school, making up a convenient perception of my childhood as difficult, hard, full of crazy people when in fact we all have it hard on this earth because our starting point through which we designed our experiences is one of separation and fear that could only as a consequence create a reality such as the one we live in
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define my childhood as negative as an excuse for my behavior
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that unless I had the props that seemed required to fit into the rich crowd, I was less than them, and for allowing myself to diminish myself until I could no longer face school and lost the opportunity to make myself effective in life within the specific abilities I was born with
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to let go of my math abilities as a way to feel 'normal', fearing to 'not be normal' as it was for sure not normal to jump to the results of equations without doing the intermediate steps which I was always reprimanded for
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty every time someone mentioned how good I was at math, because I had not taken the physical steps to that knowledge but had just access to it and hence I felt like a cheat, dishonest, someone who took short cuts even though I could not explain how the short cuts worked and why I was able to do that
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to let go math which was a point in which I felt a real connection to myself for my desire for normality, defining normality as the lessening of everyone to the lowest point of existence vs striving for a normaity that would reach for the highest expression of our existence and our abilities for All, Equally
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when I stopped going to school and for lying to my mum about everything being fine, living in an absurd state of anxiety waiting for the truth to blow up in my face until it did
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to internalize the accident during which I felt ridiculed and mocked by my classmate as a moment of defeat, failure as a human being and for wanting to opt out because I believed I could not face the shame of going back to class after having been the object of ridicule for my naiveness
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to end my life, defining a successful life as one in which I would be accepted, which was part of the reason why I told the teacher about my classmate, to be good and concerned about him, and when that did not work and became the very reason for which I was ridiculed to believe my life made no sense and I should give it up
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to turn dark, seeking for famous poets and writers that would support my bleak idea of existence, writing on my diary that "Death is paid with Life', as if Death was the value I would have to live for and not Life, and within this for participating in the creation and acceptance of this world of Death vs a world of Life for All
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to entertain thoughts about killing myself until I decided I was too much of a coward to even do that and then I turned the table saying that it was easy to die and the hard thing was living - designing for myself a hard life to live to prove myself right
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to attempt to brush all negativity under the rug, refusing to face my own negative experience of myself because I held a judgement toward negativity as 'BAD" and not a place I was willing to go to, and within this accumulating consequences over consequences as I skipped and hopped across my negativity jumping on one positive experience after another, just to fall back on my unresolved negativity when the energy of positivity would run out
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my experiences of negativity, for trying to push 'negative' experiences and negative people away, failing to see myself in what I did not want to face, my own self defined negativity and my own self defined negative experiences
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear negativity as something to run from, to suppress, to cover up and hide as in this desire I became an easy target for drugs and mind altering substances and gave myself and my life up to pot which I defined as the solution to the experience of myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my step father said we would have 'our little secret' to feel dirty and dis-honest toward my mother, adding another reason to resent her as the cause of my experience of myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to let my past experiences define who I would become and who I believed I was, without seeing, realizing and understanding that nothing I experienced was real and that I just kept myself busy swinging between polarities as a form of mind entertainment instead of bringing myself back here to sort myself out once and for all with regard to my definition of 'negativity' and my experience with it, as it, that I ended up believing to be who I really am
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I was the negativity I tried to escape from instead of seeing, realizing and understanding, negativity doesn't define me nor does positivity, those are just expressions of myself as the Mind, none worthier than the other but a distraction from being here stable in and as breath
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I was the experience of my feelings and emotions, for believing that how I felt defined me as who I really am, instead of seeing and realizing I had the power to define myself, redefine myself in fact, to bring myself back into alignment to what is best for all, for myself and all of existence Equal and One
to be continued
Negativity -a bad feeling place that is not nice to experience and is not appreciated by others, I never considered it wasn't even real, I was too busy staying away from it.
Of course once I defined negativity as a place I did not want to be, the search for positivity and positive experiences started.
I moved school to the intermediate school, the 3 compulsory years of education we had to do at the time beyond elementary school.
To the state it was enough that we could read and write, so we could sign cheques, mortages and effectively commit to our lives of debts.
I had the privilege of a private education, having experienced both I can say that there is absolutely no comparison between private and public education.
While my private education was tainted by nuns getting on their desk to show us how Christ was crucified or attempting to defame sexuality as 'the original sin', there was the real intent to teach.
I excelled in Math until I realized that what I did was not 'normal', meaning the way I saw numbers was not normal, math operations were like a movie in my head, I did not add or multiplied as I had learned, I just saw the numbers morphing into solutions.
When we were evaluated for our further education skills, I was told I would have to embark on scientific studies, I was designed for that, some of my math grades were embarrassingly high, I say embarrassingly because I was aware that there was no merit in what I did.
My mum made a lot of sacrifices to send me to private scientific studies, 30 years ago the yearly fee of my private school was 2000 euro.
When I arrived in the new school from the sheltered catholic life I had a shock, first the teachers changed for every subject, that was hard, plus the students were rich, way richer than my family and hence I had an immediate perception of loss of value.
This was externalized by how poorly I fitted in, I did not have the right clothes, the right accessories, the right bag, the right family, beyond what my mum did to pay for this school she couldn't do more, she worked many long hours in the evenings keeping the accountancy for the company my grandma was the Finance Director for, instead of feeling grateful for everything she did, I felt resentful.
I felt it was her fault that I had to deal everyday with those feelings of inferiority just because she wanted to send me to this upper class school, when we were not 'upper class' and this is when our relationship started to strain, I feel sad as I write this as I see how I have laid the first stones that I then had to excuse throughout my life always blaming her for our bad relationship.
In January there was an accident with a schoolmate, he told me his dad died and that was why he was doing poorly at school, I told the literature teacher so he could have some lenience for his poor performance but it turned out to just be a joke, they thought I was a softie and it was worth to mock the softness and the concern for others out of me.
When the story came out I felt embarrassed, stupid and asked myself what was I doing in a world I did not understand and where I did not fit in. I wanted to die, I took 2 blisters of pills, turned out they were nothing dangerous but I played the part with my stepfather for some pity, he said that would be our secret so my mum would not worry more than she already did about me. Nothing happened, I lived.
In February I gave up, I stopped going to school and went to the park instead, my mum worked it out only a few months later and told me to go and stay with my grandma for a while or she would kill me.
Of course my grandparents took the chance to play the 'good cops' and welcomed me with open arms for that summer.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the value of Life lay in the money we had access to, in our family "worth", clothes, external appearance, ability to buy what was trendy and to fit in instead of seeing realizing and understanding I was born into the consequences of a world we built in separation without consideration for Life
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for my math skills as I became aware I had no merit for how numbers solved themselves in my mind and for feeling bad for my schoolmates who could not get math because I failed to explain to them how what I did just happened to me and was not a skill
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe there was something wrong with me when I discovered my mind did not process information like the minds of the people around me and instead of asking myself questions about why some had some skills from birth and some didn't, which would have been the beginning of my questioning the whole validity and benevolence of this existence, I settled to capitalize on my birth skills to gain a "moreness" for myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my mum sent me to the new expensive school making it clear that we would have to make sacrifices for me to access this expensive education, to resent her choice to try and give me an advantage I did not care for instead of giving me the things that would have made me fit in, cool clothes, right accessories and a worthy family I could be proud of
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about resenting my mum and her efforts for my future and instead of looking at that guilt and correcting my stance about my resentment, find ways and reasons to blame her for my poor performance at school, making up a convenient perception of my childhood as difficult, hard, full of crazy people when in fact we all have it hard on this earth because our starting point through which we designed our experiences is one of separation and fear that could only as a consequence create a reality such as the one we live in
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define my childhood as negative as an excuse for my behavior
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that unless I had the props that seemed required to fit into the rich crowd, I was less than them, and for allowing myself to diminish myself until I could no longer face school and lost the opportunity to make myself effective in life within the specific abilities I was born with
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to let go of my math abilities as a way to feel 'normal', fearing to 'not be normal' as it was for sure not normal to jump to the results of equations without doing the intermediate steps which I was always reprimanded for
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty every time someone mentioned how good I was at math, because I had not taken the physical steps to that knowledge but had just access to it and hence I felt like a cheat, dishonest, someone who took short cuts even though I could not explain how the short cuts worked and why I was able to do that
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to let go math which was a point in which I felt a real connection to myself for my desire for normality, defining normality as the lessening of everyone to the lowest point of existence vs striving for a normaity that would reach for the highest expression of our existence and our abilities for All, Equally
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when I stopped going to school and for lying to my mum about everything being fine, living in an absurd state of anxiety waiting for the truth to blow up in my face until it did
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to internalize the accident during which I felt ridiculed and mocked by my classmate as a moment of defeat, failure as a human being and for wanting to opt out because I believed I could not face the shame of going back to class after having been the object of ridicule for my naiveness
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to end my life, defining a successful life as one in which I would be accepted, which was part of the reason why I told the teacher about my classmate, to be good and concerned about him, and when that did not work and became the very reason for which I was ridiculed to believe my life made no sense and I should give it up
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to turn dark, seeking for famous poets and writers that would support my bleak idea of existence, writing on my diary that "Death is paid with Life', as if Death was the value I would have to live for and not Life, and within this for participating in the creation and acceptance of this world of Death vs a world of Life for All
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to entertain thoughts about killing myself until I decided I was too much of a coward to even do that and then I turned the table saying that it was easy to die and the hard thing was living - designing for myself a hard life to live to prove myself right
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to attempt to brush all negativity under the rug, refusing to face my own negative experience of myself because I held a judgement toward negativity as 'BAD" and not a place I was willing to go to, and within this accumulating consequences over consequences as I skipped and hopped across my negativity jumping on one positive experience after another, just to fall back on my unresolved negativity when the energy of positivity would run out
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my experiences of negativity, for trying to push 'negative' experiences and negative people away, failing to see myself in what I did not want to face, my own self defined negativity and my own self defined negative experiences
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear negativity as something to run from, to suppress, to cover up and hide as in this desire I became an easy target for drugs and mind altering substances and gave myself and my life up to pot which I defined as the solution to the experience of myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my step father said we would have 'our little secret' to feel dirty and dis-honest toward my mother, adding another reason to resent her as the cause of my experience of myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to let my past experiences define who I would become and who I believed I was, without seeing, realizing and understanding that nothing I experienced was real and that I just kept myself busy swinging between polarities as a form of mind entertainment instead of bringing myself back here to sort myself out once and for all with regard to my definition of 'negativity' and my experience with it, as it, that I ended up believing to be who I really am
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I was the negativity I tried to escape from instead of seeing, realizing and understanding, negativity doesn't define me nor does positivity, those are just expressions of myself as the Mind, none worthier than the other but a distraction from being here stable in and as breath
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I was the experience of my feelings and emotions, for believing that how I felt defined me as who I really am, instead of seeing and realizing I had the power to define myself, redefine myself in fact, to bring myself back into alignment to what is best for all, for myself and all of existence Equal and One
to be continued
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