Today the husband of the lady that comes to me for massages -that has lately joined her for his back pain - called me to tell me they won't be coming tomorrow because they had a very bad night and she has moved back into her blamefull hateful Character for which she is on antidepressants. He seemed to want to share how bad it had been, I told him to ask her if she wanted to come up in the afternoon for a coffee and he said 'I will ask her when she allows me to talk to her at the moment she doesn't want to see me, she has been blaming me all night - the psychiatrist will come tomorrow'.
I moved almost immediately into anxiety and went looking for my responsibility for how she is experiencing herself, I tried to resist her attempts to put the responsibility for her health in my hands all the time when I was aware of what she was doing, returning this responsibility to her every single time and underlining that it was in this responsibility for her health and herself that the power to get better was but it's a lifetime habit that I saw her resisting nail and tooth, regardless of pushing back the responsibility at all times prior to today I had a couple of episodes in which I did ask myself 'what did I do wrong?' as a result of her changing mood or reverting back to the 'Complainer Character'.
I had a tinge of angry backchat as well during which I went and interpreted her abusive behavior as just that, a fucking abuse she covers up with personality problems, but what do I know, some are so far down the line into personalities and Character's Possession that they have lost their ability to self direct and are just taken over, specifically due to how we are made to believe what happens into our minds is a random occurrence on which we are powerless, until we believe it.
How else could the Psycho drug industry thrive off Mental Illnesses?
When I was a kid my mum used to blame me for her mood changes, initially she would use an event that could "objectively" be taken as my responsibility such as a poor grade at school but as time progressed and so did her mood imbalance, she would either make up things I allegedly did, said or 'thought' -but she could see the incriminating thought clearly from my face from her superior 'parent position' she claimed- to make me responsible for how she experienced herself.
I believed I was the cause of her imbalances and that I should be blamed for how people experienced themselves around me, a huge unbearable responsibility to say the least.
Of course I copied this Character and then did it to others, in fact I developed the ability to collect points of failures of others toward me just for this purpose, so that when I would have a mood swing I already had the reasons lined up to blame it on someone else.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was responsible/the cause/the origin of my mum's mood swings specifically when I did not intend to cause any trouble but the mood swing would come and then I would have to take responsibility for my imaginary faults to have peace at home again
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear my mother's mood swings and being made responsible for them instead of seeing I was the one accepting and allowing the blame and responsibility that was pushed on me
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make up 'imaginary faults' in others to justify my own mood swings and to seek for words, deeds and movements in others that I could file and use just like my mother did to me
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my mother would have a mood swing and send me to my room to 'think about it' to develop a habit to look and search for my responsibility in my words, thoughts and deeds, believing that it was something I had done, didn't do that brought about a change in her and not herself doing it to herself, until I would come up with something wrong in me that could in fact be the cause for her behavior, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that She was always the origin/source of her experience and then her behavior and not me
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to dread spending time with my mother when she was sick because I always feared that I would overlook something, make the wrong expression, say something that could be twisted and turned to build into the explanation for the mood swing she was about to experience, which I could already assess as soon as we would get together, having developed the ability to foresee coming troubles in an attempt to stay away from it
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a result of the fear I accepted and allowed myself to live one and equal to with regard to my mother and her mood swings, to develop a defensive personality in which I move as into like a fortress, whenever I spend time with people that I perceive are on the brink of a mood swing according to my own perception and judgement of what is a good mood vs a troubled leading to problems mood and within this for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to protect myself from other people's mood swings because I fear their mood could end up affecting me as they'll end up blaming me for it, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I don't have to be affected by other people's mood swings when I take responsibility for myself and the way I experience myself not even when they try or attempt to blame it on me
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to question myself with regard to my responsibility for other people's mood swings and within this for accepting that I was in fact responsible for how others perceived themselves and for accepting the responsibility of the experience of others within their own minds I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame others for how I experienced myself without seeing, realizing and understanding that I accepted the responsibility of how others experienced themselves so I could then blame others for how I experienced myself and for believing that I had the right to do to others what I didn't like others to do to me, I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I did accept the responsibility of the experience of another, I inherently had power over them, as in the power to 'make them feel' one way or another, and for manipulating or attempting to manipulate the experience of another through the way they felt by deliberately doing what I learnt from my mother 'made people feel good about themselves' for the purpose of being the Creator of a 'Positive' Experience within another and as such more powerful than they were within their own experience of themselves I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear mood swings in people that are sharing time with me, because if a mood swing happens 'under my watch' it means it's my fault and ultimately my responsibility, without considering that as I am responsible for my own experience so is everyone else and that I don't know what goes through the mind of others at anytime or what can trigger a 'negative experience' and since everything is happening for each of us inside our own Mind Bubble, we can only be responsible for ourselves and what we experience or react to, but not about what others experience and react to
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that as I desired the Power of generating a 'good experience' inside another, I made myself bound to the responsibility of their experiences 'good AND bad' and for not seeing realizing and understanding that there cannot be Masters without slaves and that Masters end up enslaved to the relationships they created toward another that was not born of Equality and Oneness but from the desire to win over, be more and superior to another being I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I was told today that the lady that comes to see me went into one of her Evil breakdown, to question myself for responsibility, assuming it must be my doing, my fault, that I must be in someway responsible instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I am only supporting her body as a potential bridge to health but she is still the one responsible and having to do the work to get better and out of the Patterns that are causing her suffering as that is her creation and she is the only one that can undo it
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I was told she will be seeing the psychiatrist on Monday, to go into my mind and imagine meeting him and blaming him as part of the problem for all the crap suppressant he has been giving her over the years, without seeing, realizing and understanding I don't know the whole story of her medical mental history, and that suppressing the demonic in her may very well have been the best this doctor has found to not have the people around her pay the consequences of what she goes through, and that instead of going to my mind to fight whatever support she may have been able to find, I should breathe and return to her the responsibility for her health recognizing she is the one choosing the suppressant medication and the doctor is doing what he knows how to do to avoid further consequences for herself and others and within this for judging her, her relationship and the doctor I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I heard in her husband's voice the distress for what he was going through, to move into an angry blamefull backchat on the line of 'you did it again you bitch, how do you even get away with it' when in fact this backchat is my own self judgement of myself for when I did embody the blamefull Character and made others responsible for how I felt and how I experienced myself and for doing to others what was done to me instead of stopping the chain of blame and abuse I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to shift the blame from myself to the psychiatrist, without considering her in the picture and her own self responsibility for what she is living, and for feeling sorry for her husband as the victim of this situation without considering that whatever play out is on it's a dance the two of them are playing with each other that only they can resolve and for desiring to take sides between who is wrong and who is right, I forgive myself
When and as I see myself interacting with another and attempting to be responsible for how they are experiencing themselves, such as in 'good moments' for which I could pat myself on the shoulder for the 'good positive experience' I can believe I have been able to generate for another, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that if I want to be the source of the good/positive experiences of another then I will have to be responsible for being the source of the bad/negative experiences of another, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that each one is responsible for how they experience themselves, the good, the bad and the in between
When and as I see myself cringe or about to cringe under the impression, the news, the realization that someone who is in "my circle" is experiencing themselves negatively and I see myself trying to, moving toward or about to assess my responsibility for such experience, I stop, Breathe, do not allow myself to make myself responsible for the experience of another in any way shape or form and see realize and understand I am responsible for how I react to the experience of another but not for their experience of themselves
I commit myself to no longer participate in the construct of taking responsibility for how another experiences themselves be it good, bad or in between as I see realize and understand I have the responsibility to self correct myself but not the power or responsibility to 'self correct' another
I commit myself to no longer participate in the fear of being responsible for other people's mood swings and to investigate when and how this Character comes up to self correct myself until I stand stable in and as Breath realigned to Oneness and Equality for myself and all of Existence Equal and One.
Hey Eleonora, thank you for sharing this, I really enjoy reading your blogs!
ReplyDeleteI can relate myself to this point of making myself responsible for the experience of others, in fact, I haven't thought about it before, and now I can see how much I have allowed this point.
What would be your perspective on this?:
When we are spiteful/revengeful/hateful and intend to harm others because of grudge, is their reaction our responsibility in a certain way? like, if they become very very angry?
REPLY BY ELEONORA:
ReplyDelete"Hi Bitia,
the way I see your point is that we are responsible for everything that came before their reaction, such as our experience and intentions too, spiteful, revengeful, hateful and intending to harm another is NOT a pace for which we don't want to take responsibility, those points have to change!
So our responsibility would be to write out why we are accepting this experience toward others and correct ourselves, whatever we do has consequences, we must be responsible for what we think, say and do and fr our reactions to investigate WHY we exist in such a way that is not honoring life.
If others react, their reaction is their responsibility, we can't be responsible for what triggers others, of course if what we do is intentional, intending to harm, then we have the responsibility of facing the consequences, and the responsibility of stopping existing in such ways that are harmful to self and others as self.
My perspective for what I have walked so far Bitia!"