Day 256: The Experience of Others -My Responsibility?

Today the husband of the lady that comes to me for massages -that has lately joined her for his back pain - called me to tell me they won't be coming tomorrow because they had a very bad night and she has moved back into her blamefull hateful Character for which she is on antidepressants. He seemed to want to share how bad it had been, I told him to ask her if she wanted to come up in the afternoon for a coffee and he said 'I will ask her when she allows me to talk to her at the moment she doesn't want to see me, she has been blaming me all night - the psychiatrist will come tomorrow'.

I moved almost immediately into anxiety and went looking for my responsibility for how she is experiencing herself, I tried to resist her attempts to put the responsibility for her health in my hands all the time when I was aware of what she was doing, returning this responsibility to her every single time and underlining that it was in this responsibility for her health and herself that the power to get better was but it's a lifetime habit that I saw her resisting nail and tooth, regardless of pushing back the responsibility at all times prior to today I had a couple of episodes in which I did ask myself 'what did I do wrong?' as a result of her changing mood or reverting back to the 'Complainer Character'.

I had a tinge of angry backchat as well during which I went and interpreted her abusive behavior as just that, a fucking abuse she covers up with personality problems, but what do I know, some are so far down the line into personalities and Character's Possession that they have lost their ability to self direct and are just taken over, specifically due to how we are made to believe what happens into our minds is a random occurrence on which we are powerless, until we believe it. 

How else could the Psycho drug industry thrive off Mental Illnesses?

When I was a kid my mum used to blame me for her mood changes, initially she would use an event that could "objectively" be taken as my responsibility such as a poor grade at school but as time progressed and so did her mood imbalance, she would either make up things I allegedly did, said or 'thought' -but she could see the incriminating thought clearly from my face from her superior 'parent position' she claimed- to make me responsible for how she experienced herself.

I believed I was the cause of her imbalances and that I should be blamed for how people experienced themselves around me, a huge unbearable responsibility to say the least.

Of course I copied this Character and then did it to others, in fact I developed the ability to collect points of failures of others toward me just for this purpose, so that when I would have a mood swing I already had the reasons lined up to blame it on someone else.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was responsible/the cause/the origin of my mum's mood swings specifically when I did not intend to cause any trouble but the mood swing would come and then I would have to take responsibility for my imaginary faults to have peace at home again

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear my mother's mood swings and being made responsible for them instead of seeing I was the one accepting and allowing the blame and responsibility that was pushed on me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make up 'imaginary faults' in others to justify my own mood swings and to seek for words, deeds and movements in others that I could file and use just like my mother did to me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my mother would have a mood swing and send me to my room to 'think about it' to develop a habit to look and search for my responsibility in my words, thoughts and deeds, believing that it was something I had done, didn't do that brought about a change in her and not herself doing it to herself, until I would come up with something wrong in me that could in fact be the cause for her behavior, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that She was always the origin/source of her experience and then her behavior and not me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to dread spending time with my mother when she was sick because I always feared that I would overlook something, make the wrong expression, say something that could be twisted and turned to build into the explanation for the mood swing she was about to experience, which I could already assess as soon as we would get together, having developed the ability to foresee coming troubles in an attempt to stay away from it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a result of the fear I accepted and allowed myself to live one and equal to with regard to my mother and her mood swings, to develop a defensive personality in which I move as into like a fortress, whenever I spend time with people that I perceive are on the brink of a mood swing according to my own perception and judgement of what is a good mood vs a troubled leading to problems mood and within this for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to protect myself from other people's mood swings because I fear their mood could end up affecting me as they'll end up blaming me for it, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I don't have to be affected by other people's mood swings when I take responsibility for myself and the way I experience myself not even when they try or attempt to blame it on me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to question myself with regard to my responsibility for other people's mood swings and within this for accepting that I was in fact responsible for how others perceived themselves and for accepting the responsibility of the experience of others within their own minds I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame others for how I experienced myself without seeing, realizing and understanding that I accepted the responsibility of how others experienced themselves so I could then blame others for how I experienced myself and for believing that I had the right to do to others what I didn't like others to do to me, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I did accept the responsibility of the experience of another, I inherently had power over them, as in the power to 'make them feel' one way or another, and for manipulating or attempting to manipulate the experience of another through the way they felt by deliberately doing what I learnt from my mother 'made people feel good about themselves' for the purpose of being the Creator of a 'Positive' Experience within another and as such more powerful than they were within their own experience of themselves I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear mood swings in people that are sharing time with me, because if a mood swing happens 'under my watch' it means it's my fault and ultimately my responsibility, without considering that as I am responsible for my own experience so is everyone else and that I don't know what goes through the mind of others at anytime or what can trigger a 'negative experience' and since everything is happening for each of us inside our own Mind Bubble, we can only be responsible for ourselves and what we experience or react to, but not about what others experience and react to

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that as I desired the Power of generating a 'good experience' inside another, I made myself bound to the responsibility of their experiences 'good AND bad' and for not seeing realizing and understanding that there cannot be Masters without slaves and that Masters end up enslaved to the relationships they created toward another that was not born of Equality and Oneness but from the desire to win over, be more and superior to another being I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I was told today that the lady that comes to see me went into one of her Evil breakdown, to question myself for responsibility, assuming it must be my doing, my fault, that I must be in someway responsible instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I am only supporting her body as a potential bridge to health but she is still the one responsible and having to do the work to get better and out of the Patterns that are causing her suffering as that is her creation and she is the only one that can undo it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I was told she will be seeing the psychiatrist on Monday, to go into my mind and imagine meeting him and blaming him as part of the problem for all the crap suppressant he has been giving her over the years, without seeing, realizing and understanding I don't know the whole story of her medical mental history, and that suppressing the demonic in her may very well have been the best this doctor has found to not have the people around her pay the consequences of what she goes through, and that instead of going to my mind to fight whatever support she may have been able to find, I should breathe and return to her the responsibility for her health recognizing she is the one choosing the suppressant medication and the doctor is doing what he knows how to do to avoid further consequences for herself and others and within this for judging her, her relationship and the doctor I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I heard in her husband's voice the distress for what he was going through, to move into an angry blamefull backchat on the line of 'you did it again you bitch, how do you even get away with it' when in fact this backchat is my own self judgement of myself for when I did embody the blamefull Character and made others responsible for how I felt and how I experienced myself and for doing to others what was done to me instead of stopping the chain of blame and abuse I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to shift the blame from myself to the psychiatrist, without considering her in the picture and her own self responsibility for what she is living, and for feeling sorry for her husband as the victim of this situation without considering that whatever play out is on it's a dance the two of them are playing with each other that only they can resolve and for desiring to take sides between who is wrong and who is right, I forgive myself

When and as I see myself interacting with another and attempting to be responsible for how they are experiencing themselves, such as in 'good moments' for which I could pat myself on the shoulder for the 'good positive experience' I can believe I have been able to generate for another, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that if I want to be the source of the good/positive experiences of another then I will have to be responsible for being the source of the bad/negative experiences of another, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that each one is responsible for how they experience themselves, the good, the bad and the in between

When and as I see myself cringe or about to cringe under the impression, the news, the realization that someone who is in "my circle" is experiencing themselves negatively and I see myself trying to, moving toward or about to assess my responsibility for such experience, I stop, Breathe, do not allow myself to make myself responsible for the experience of another in any way shape or form and see realize and understand I am responsible for how I react to the experience of another but not for their experience of themselves

I commit myself to no longer participate in the construct of taking responsibility for how another experiences themselves be it good, bad or in between as I see realize and understand I have the responsibility to self correct myself but not the power or responsibility to 'self correct' another

I commit myself to no longer participate in the fear of being responsible for other people's mood swings and to investigate when and how this Character comes up to self correct myself until I stand stable in and as Breath realigned to Oneness and Equality for myself and all of Existence Equal and One.

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Day 248: Moving Beyond Duality - Imagination vs Reality - Fear vs Desteni

I can talk from real life experience here.

My very first post on the Desteni website was 'are you aware guys of how much fear are you spreading?'. It's odd to look back now because I almost can't relate to that post anymore, I remember writing it, I remember even where I was when I did, sitting on my couch on a tropical island high on pot, still trying to imagine how Positive I was and how My Positivity and staying focused on the Positive was going to change the World.

The Positive Movement is Not a Proof of Our Intelligence in any way whatsoever, many of us followers or ex followers of such Movements did not even have the excuse that we did not understand the intrinsic Dualistic Nature of Reality, and yet, we I'm-Agined that we could focus/create the positive alone and overcome the negative, not that we would be creating both and then desperately try and stick to the Positive only while pushing the Negative under the carpet, disowning it, turning the other Cheek and pointing fingers at the Negative that would pop up in the World to show us what we were doing, Nope, THAT was Not Our Creation, we were the ones creating the Positive, sure thing, then Someone Else out there was sitting down in meditation just Like Us, and thinking up negative stuff, yes, that was it, Creation 101. Thanks God for ME!

On this point I had an encounter on my last trip to one of Matrix Energetics classes, one gentleman was distressed about a whole bunch of people playing with 'the Field', his concern was that if the Field was Finite and we were taking out all the goodies from it, what would happen to those who couldn't do so, and basically, what right did we have to take out all the goodies for ourselves and leave the bad, the shit, the nasty karma for others to live out, who said we were more entitled to the "good" of this world than others?

At the time being the Positive Cheerleader I was, I told him his worries were just imaginary, this was a good benevolent existence and everyone would get their share of goods, they would just have to 'focus on it', imagine it and not let negativity run their lives -obviously I was not considering the sick, the starving, the ones born on the outskirts of this Money system, but when anything else failed there was always Abraham's teaching -coming out a bit short on this one in the face of Existential Questions by the way-, we all chose the lives we live, don't worry, we are just having a ride, it's all cool.

In a way it's even true -bar the it's all cool part-, but how come we can't see how we are held captive to contracts that were signed through con-sciousness, if this was a ride, why can't we remember How We got Here and Why? Would that make the starving, the violence, the abuse and conflict any way more FUN?

I want to underline that at the time I was the kind of person who would run the tap water unnecessarily without closing it while doing other things in the kitchen, always eliciting irritation in my ex husband, to which I responded 'I don't believe in scarcity, I support abundance', this didn't help my passing on my 'positive opinions and MindSet' within my Reality based family as something Sane, as not believing in the scarcity of Finite Resources is a sign of a Mental health issues resulting from Imagining Life and the Universe vs Landing into it and checking against reality if what I make up/Imagine has any foundation in the Real Physical One Reality we all share beyond Opinions -unless we superimpose them on it, just like I showed I used to do- or if it's just my own Disney Movie in the Hollywood production of my Mind.

When I met Desteni I was already in the process of questioning the True Nature of Creation and of ourselves. As much as I would have liked to blame it all on God/ the Universe/ or the randomness of what brought us here, Here WE were, a pitiful example of what Humanity is vs what we Imagined it to be, insisted in fact on wanting to Imagine it to be, kind -as in HumanKind- good hearted, wanting each other's best,  and basically being inherently Good.

I had mental problem as well, we could call them mental dis-orders if we wouldn't be so scared to call things what they are, I had started to have flashes of images in my Mind, to explain it in computer terms, I had a full loaded Memory of which I was no longer in charge, imagine a computer virus that while you are working will just shut down the programs you are using and run its own, to say the least I was scared shitless.

What especially scared me was that even though I had been an avid reader all my life, I never came across Mind-disorders described as mine, these image flashing of which I was not in control, repetitive Thought Patterns as images and obviously each Image had a story attached to it, so I would spend my days running from one story in my Mind to the next, all based on my Imagination, not that I imagined pigs flying, no, I just imagined past stories and experienced them in strings that seemed sequentially meaningless, like randomly burping up reel thoughts, having a movie in my head that I could no longer stop that was made of bits and pieces of my life, mostly the shitty ones, the ones where I saw I could have done better, be different, act differently, speak differently and yet I had not and now I was condemned to the Playback of my Life while I only had the power to sit and watch in dismay. 

Of course my Pot use increased as the images in my mind became more random to try and push them back wherever they came from, and as I increased my Pot use the images gained power and finally I felt beaten, I resigned to this excuse of a life in which nothing was new anymore, where when walking anywhere, even to my bathroom everything had a meaning and a story attached to it already, for example my toothbrush, no longer a toothbrush but the memory of when my ex husband would squeeze the toothpaste on it for me as he did for himself, and this happened for every object in my life, the most meaningless menial object had a story and then a commentary to show me what I had lost, what I had missed out on, what I failed, my life had a whole new MEANing and it was not cool at all.

It took me 1 year to go back to Desteni, I could never dismiss their message in self honesty, it was so clear, consistent, and yes, absolutely totally frightening.

The Demons part was the center piece of my Fears, that too was based in my Imagination of what the demonic was and how I better run from it with all my power, interestingly once I overcame my fears it was one of my favorite parts, one of the most straightforward about Human Nature and why Demons ended up losing respect for us, the wimps of existence, not a pretty picture of ourselves but very informative, not to discount that if Demons could walk out of this duality crap, so can we, so it had an inspiring unexpected twist to it too.

Before taking the plunge and trying out the Desteni Tools, who were given to me for Free and that I chose to use and was in no way coerced or convinced or prompted or brainwashed to do so,  I wandered for 1 year trying to Not go back to it, I wished I could find something else to sort myself out, a miracle, a Holy Water, someone that agreed with me that they were loonies -found them too!- and yet they became my backchat, the point of no return that I feared getting close to and above all I feared what I would lose and miss out on, it took having nothing left to miss out on for me to move and approach them again.

"Do you know how much fear are you spreading around guys?", what I meant was 'do you know how much you scare me, do you know how much I would like you to say you were joking, that I don't have to give it all up -the delusion of me- that I can keep some bits and pieces, the ones I like -hard to pick by then-, do you know I scared I am that I will be laughed at, ridiculed for being part of a Cult, do you know they are telling damning stories about you and why on earth they didn't manage to con-vince me so I could dismiss You and Your message, that I have lived a life of Self Interest and in this I have separated myself from the whole and now I am left with a Hole as my existence that I can't fill with anything, food or pot, sex or mushrooms, nothing works anymore' and yet I hate that I came to Desteni at the end of the rope, I wish I had the common sense to Self Direct myself there but I didn't, because the Fear was too great and only when the Fear of my Life became greater than  the Fear of Desteni, they became a viable choice, the only choice left for me in fact.

It's been more than 1 year now since I started this process, many things have changed for me, I am building myself up into a stronger core, into trusting myself more, at least I trust that if not immediately I will be self honest about what is going on with me eventually and through self honesty I will be able to start to work out how I can correct myself, my Self, as each Self is called to Self correct to change this world that is nothing else but the sum of all the Selves for which we have refused so far to take responsibility for.

What I discovered by pushing through my fears is that Fear is my creation, it is through I'm-agining Life vs living Life that we build ourselves into Fear and then from Fear we built this world, as we fear who we are and then have internal conflicts between all our Imaginary Parts -talk about Mental dis-eases- we express into the world this very essence of ourselves, Conflicts and Fear, you don't have to look too far to see this, we have embraced a culture of War, a Gun culture, a conflict culture and then we disguise it all with diplomacy or with Liberal speeches like President Obama shows us, all talk about how good we are and how well we are doing and that is Our Imagination at work, we are Imagining to be those people we would like to be, the Warriors of Evil, Freedom Fighters, Democracy Bringers, in truth we are what the world is showing us, Conflict and Fear plagued creatures, seeking the Positive because we were born into the Negative experience of ourselves (how else would we seek the positive and find it even appealing if we were Positively charged when coming into this World? Think electricity and opposing charges attracting each other...) too scared to say that this is what we are and look for solutions to change ourselves.

If you are seeking for a way out of your I'm-agination of yourself because you have realized who you would like to be and beLieve yourself to be is not even close to who you really are and are ready to start to walk in and as Self Correction to realign yourself to Oneness and Equality of the Physical Here, join Desteni Lite, it's free, someone will assist to lay out the foundation for you to write yourself to freedom, out of your Mind, into the Reality that is One and we all share Equally, it's Here where we'll find the Solutions to ourselves and this World as Us and not up there in Imagination-Land as we try every trick of the trade to not Land and face who we  accepted and allowed ourselves to become just to find out that Nothing Works, until we become Self Honest and admit that we have screwed up and set out to make right what we know it's not right and that is each and every Self on this planet until we'll go back beyond the Imaginary Separation we created to Oneness and Equality as the Truth of Ourselves and All of Existence as Life, One and Equal.

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• Day 277: Psyche Logical Creation and Desteni
• Day 220: The Greatest Cult in History
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Day 178: The Solitude of Prime Numbers

A prime number is a lonely thing.

It can only be divided by itself or by one, and it never truly fits with another. Paolo Giordano

This is from an Italian book whose title immediately resonated with me, I have not read it bar from this excerpt which just made me react as much as the title.

Solitude is a theme in my life, I guess that when we define ourselves as loners it is to just bring up 'the good side of it' and the inherent understanding of the choice, a loner chooses to be alone is not a left over or left behind or unwanted, no, it's deciding to not socialize, to not have relationships, to not cultivate friendships any longer, but is this true?

I was born an only child, due to circumstances I spent a lot of time alone apart from the imposed social activities such as kindergarten and school. My mum used to say to me to go down and play with the other kids either in the courtyard or in church, where there was some space for kids to get together and do social stuff, like playing or sitting together chatting and telling stories

My experience of my mum wanting me to go out and play was not something I enjoyed, it always had a bitter taste as I believed she desired to cut some space for herself, it was not about me, reinforcing the point that I had not been a wanted child and that she enjoyed herself more when I was not around.

So the point of being 'pushed ' to go and mingle left me with the experience of reject and not with the sense that there was in fact anything interesting for me to do out there, I had the sense that I was asked to socialize to prove that I was 'normal' such as in 'like the other kids' so that my mum would feel good about herself and what she was doing 'right' to raise me a dependent human being just like everyone else.

I started to briefly enjoy socializing when I realized I was a natural leader, even when I did not try to be one, I would soon or later have followers, for sure as a kid this could have been due to being the wealthiest family in a poor neighborhood but it happened in school as well, where no one knew how wealthy the other was so as we all wore the same uniforms, there was this point of enjoying leadership and then fearing it, I was pretty clear that I did not know what the fuck was I doing or where I was going with my life, having followers to nowhere was scary and risky as well, once we would all fail to arrive at the imaginary destination they had believed I could lead them to, what would happen then, major loss of face for sure.

In time as I developed my main relationship with Pot as a friend, lover, and the centre of my life, this desire for loneliness increased. Every time I was faced with a chance for a relationship I would get almost sick with worry about how I was going to share the space, what would I have to give up of my insane unstructured life, how did a 'normal 'life looked like? My idea of normality ended with 'Happy Days' that would be how I imagined normality to be, a loving family, nothing to be desired, friends and a structure that was set up by parents that I would have copied and made mine, which was not my case.

This desire for structure and non structure was the result of feeling oppressed in my family, all eyes on me as the only child, the prime number, everyone wanted to put in their 2 cents about life and how to best succeed in it, obviously, on principle, since they all seemed raving mad, I discarded any advise or perception of structure for myself, from education to living arrangements.

Interestingly I have always functioned better within a structure, I even thought maybe I should enroll in the Army at one point, be FORCED to structure up, not that I was not able to, because in fact when I set my mind to it I could make my time and life easier and more rewarding for myself and my management and organization skills were pretty exceptional, I just didn't want to, I didn't want to join in the madness and I was not sure how everyone had gotten themselves there, so, just in case, I would draw for myself an unstructured rebellious lifestyle, I would do anything I wanted whenever I wanted, bar the time I had to put into the system for money.

Hence relationships became a burden, a moment of facing the unstructuredness of myself as shame as not being effective as having not designed for myself a life that would draw from my potential what would have been best for me and best for all, but a fuzzy living, with fuzzy focuses and the desire to never be confronted about it.

There is an issue about Fear of Loss as well, people fight and they are no longer friends, couples divorce and the love story ends, people die, dogs die, everything ends, it is a big commitment t put anything into something so uncertain that is bound to finish/end and leave a great huge unmendable hole, honestly what for?

And the extensive effort to make it work, much ado about nothing, what a great idea, let's NEVER do that, let's prevent this business of forming relationships, I don't need to, I don't need anyone, I don't care if I miss out on a few fleeting moments of joy, that too shall pass and with each relationship I become less, there is less of me as I mold myself to fit in, to make it work, to round the corners of myself so as to not bump into each other and create harm, I knew I had internalized some of the moments in which I saw my mum going for the words or the slapping that would hurt or harm me, or desiring to, I saw the demonic face of humanity in my family, in my own mother, those memories existed within me, laced with fear and hatred, I was not sure where they were stored or if they were no longer there, if that was NOT who I was, what if I was THAT? Because for sure my mum did not WANT to be like that, no one wants to be BAD and unleash their Demons on themselves and others, what if we could NOT prevent it, how to stop that, how to change that, what if I was the apple of the Demonic Tree?

And so the solitude and the desire for solitude began. And the Loner Character took shape.

I will apply Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements on the Loner Character tomorrow



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