Day 279: I Can't Hear You because I insist on Being Me

I have experienced resistance and stress at the idea of seeing the lady that comes to me for massage.

She has mental problems and is on medication and when she comes she loops into the same questions over and over until I reach the irritation point.

The 'put yourself in her shoes' has not worked so far because I have put MySelf in her shoes and tried to address her questions as Me, which was impossible, the answer that would trigger me to a realization were only sending her deeper into depression and then, when I felt responsible for her and her depression due to how poorly I was handling this communication, I blamed her and the resistance to seeing her started to build up.

Then I had a chat with a friend and I saw what he was saying to me so clearly that I felt ashamed for how I had gone about this point.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that if I could be triggered into a self realization by some specific words or sentences, so should others, just because they would have worked for me instead of stopping myself from looking for ways to 'trigger' me to self realize something and the extend it to another but just bring myself Here so I can effectively Hear what is going on with this being AS me and address it as me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that she 'didn't want to get it' because I feared I was unable to communicate with her effectively and instead of taking self responsibility I rather blamed her for not getting my answer vs me not getting her questions

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that if someone comes to me for support and I judge my support as not effective enough to help them to sort their mind out, I am being ineffective instead of seeing realizing and understanding I can't change another nor it is my job to but to stand in stability without going into reactions about why they are not changing to what I see would be most beneficial for them and their health

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that when I insist on being me, fishing through my life experiences for support in a moment when I allow myself to drift into my Mind for solutions, I can't hear what is being said to me because I am not Here but in my Mind filtering everything that is spoken through my own filters, judgements and past experiences

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand the difference between putting myself in someone's shoes vs being Here as them which is not the same thing, as when I put Me in their shoes I'm still Me and if I am Me I am separate and unable to hear what is going on Here that I need to address to what is best for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to insist on shaking this lady out of her comfort zone in the belief that this is what she needed, because that is what I would have needed, and when I saw the sign of extreme distress to blame it on her as someone who doesn't want to change instead of seeing my responsibility for what I was attempting to do that was causing distress in another for absolutely no good reason

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to move myself into resistance at the idea of seeing this lady again because I made her responsible for how I perceived myself as ineffective and unsuccessful in helping her sort out herself in and as her mind, instead of seeing and realizing that I can only stand as an example of someone who is not battered and victimized by my own mind for her to see solutions to herself, if she is seeking for them and wants to make the decision to change and hence I was resisting having to face that I do not stand as an example because I was allowing myself to react to the point that she is not changing and for reacting to the fact that she is not changing out of her depression, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed when the penny dropped and I saw that I have in fact been abusing her for my own personal desire to be one that can 'change people' as a healer vs just being Here to Hear what another says beyond my personalities, desires and expectations

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear the point that she tries to make people around her responsible for her health without seeing, realizing and understanding she can't make me responsible for her unless I take on the responsibility in wanting to be more than I am for my own personal self aggrandisement which has nothing to do with what she is doing at any moment in time but with what I am allowing to boost myself and my Ego, which is then followed by a fall when my secret desires for her improvement as a testimony that I am effective and good at what I do, fail to show up

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I am not good at sorting her and her depression out, she will go and badmouth me and I may lose my chance to build up a good reputation for me and within this for taking on the responsibility to sort her out to hold on to a good reputation and then resenting her and blaming her for having given me the responsibility of herself vs me having taken on this responsibility for self interest and fear for my future

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to spend hours in my mind thinking up all the speeches I could give her to make sure she understands that she is not my responsibility, when in fact it is me that didn't understand that she is not my responsibility due to my self interest in having her sorted out as a good reference for future clients and that when that became threatened and I feared she may be not pleased with what she received from me, to move into a defensive stance from which I could no longer Hear her as I was too busy trying to cover all my bases, and for this, I forgive myself

When and as I see myself faced with the point of interacting with another within a frame of a service that I give in exchange for money and I see I am moving or about to move into some fear, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that I have to give a service at the best of my ability as a stance of who I am and not for any return of energy as positive feedback or good emotional return and when I see that I am moving into that expecting space, I stop, breathe, and bring myself back Here in and as Breath

When and as I see myself trying to read in between the words of another, in between the lines, looking for the fine print, I stop, breathe, see that I am in fact not Here because all those activities happen in and as me as the Mind, so I stop as the decision to stop and return myself Here to participate with what is real and not what I am making up or attempting to make up in and as me as the Mind

When and as I see myself wanting to have a specific outcome from a situation in the hope that I will feel good about myself and satisfied, I stop, breathe, remind myself that any expectation I set up for a future outcome sets me up for a disappointment, instead I practice being Here more consistently in and as Breath to face the moment for what it is and address it for an outcome that is best for All

I commit myself to catch myself when I try to be 'Me' as support for another so that I may STOP my Me-ness which is a point of separation and not a point of support for myself or others so, use breathing to earth myself so that I may expand myself beyond my Me boundaries and embrace what is Here in every moment of Breath

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Day 246: Why don't YOU Change? - Character

World as a Mirror..

A lady in her seventies is coming to me for corrective massage, I have learned massage in Asia and I know how to fix most postural problems, not for good of course, as that can only be fixed by the one who created it in the first place, but as a bridge, as a relief to pain and as support to the body. 

The first time she took off her corset and I saw her back my first thought was 'you must be joking', she had an extremely pronounced chronic hunchback and as I discovered as days went by, matched by an unparalleled irritating departure from reality.

She asked me, at 70, if I can make her attractive again, enough to find a man when her husband shall day, in possibly 10 years time. Yeap sure, let me take out my magic wand, the hat and the fairy dust.

The desire to be attractive having defined Beauty as being "alive" I can relate to as it is very culturally drilled into our minds as children, to 'live' for beauty in Italy, and for this not having it, losing it, is for sure a huge sense of loss, of diminishment, something I have been clear about not being able to 'give back to her' in any possible way.

The one point though that is driven home now everyday for more than a week, is the danger of embodying Personalities and how, when we forget they are just Characters we have ourselves created, the danger of remaining trapped at the price of giving up one's health, one's physical integrity as the body de-forms under the weight of the structural changes demanded by our participation in and as the Mind. She played the 'sick woman' for so long that now that she would like to Stop, as she has self honestly admitted she is aware of doing that', she doesn't know how to.

I have my own experience of a Jekyll and Hide Life, of em-body-ing Characters and I am still walking some of the consequences, in fact part of the irritation I allowed myself to feel yesterday was due to this, as I projected on her the irritation I have for myself as I keep playing one specific self harming character I will write about in my next posts, the Binge Eater, and it manifested in a backchat on the lines of 'Why don't YOU change, why do you walk away from my home everyday feeling OK and then walk back into your toxic Life sucking Character, why don't YOU at 70 show Me how it's done, stop your Hide Character, I expect you can do so, I spend my mornings re-programming your Mind, what else do you need to change, didn't you have enough pain, discomfort, haven't you made your body suffer enough, come on Lady!', which is just like the suppressed Self Talk I have with myself in the 'apparent' silence of my Mind.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when faced with this lady and her self destructive Life, to not want to see the mirror experience she was offering as to where would some of my self destructive personalities lead me 20 years down the line, unless I change

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to expect change from her because of what I believed I was investing in her as Change Tools and Support and for allowing myself yesterday to feel irritation because she has not Changed Yet as I expected, instead of seeing and realizing I was projecting on her the irritation I feel for myself and then suppress regarding why I have not changed some point where I see I still move into self destruction, just because I can Hide them and pretend they are not there and for this, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be irritated and impatient with myself as I see realize and understand that when I experience irritation I then move my self destruction into Hiding, pretending it's not there, coming up with ever creative excuses about why my Change will start tomorrow, or Monday or on a specific date and within this accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my Change to my Mind to make sure I don't change because as the Mind I have no interest in Change and I am quite comfortable in running the same old same old programs no matter where they lead

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire other people to change to prove that I am good and that what I do is valuable and Life Changing, instead of seeing realizing and understanding I am wanting my own Change that I then project as a desire to see Change in others instead of standing for my own self change as an example that it is possible vs attempting changing others through coercion to show myself that They can change and so can I

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I have had disagreements with others based on the point that 'things should change between us' to expect and demand that They should Change first and not me and for finding excuses and reasons why the change of others should come before mine, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to dread the mornings when this lady rings my bell in fear that I will have to face another day of No Change, where all the steps we took together the day before just reverted back to her old suffering self, and for not seeing realizing and understanding that I fear facing the point that everything can only change through a process of consistency and not the magical wand I secretly hoped I could use, if not on myself on others and for fearing having to walk consistently to accumulate change as a point that becomes Me as Change, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek value and purpose through imagining that I can change others, that I am so powerful that I can say the right things and for feeling disappointed because the expectations I had created inside of myself were dis-attended and I felt diminished by facing the point that I have no power to change others, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel responsible for the change in this lady just because she lives and thrives on shifting her responsibility for her life on others and even though I have tried to dodge this responsibility and give it back to her, there is an allure about it that I allowed myself to play with, which is the allure of power and for not seeing, realizing and understanding that if I want power over another I will have to take on the responsibility in their place which is impossible and not what is best for me or them either, and for toying with power vs self responsibility, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make other people responsible for my life, my well being and my health, just so I would not have to change myself and so I could blame others for me not changing, just like this lady is showing me, and for having blamed others for me not changing myself to realign to oneness and equality and what is best for all, no matter what, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed for the life in Hide-ing I have lived and for justifying myself because 'I hurt nobody' and for within this considering myself equal to 'no-body' I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when faced with points in which I see myself, look for reasons why the Mirror is in fact Worse than me and in the specific for judging this lady as worse than me because I used to only harm myself while she takes prisoners on her journey, without considering that her prisoners are just as equal participants in the toxic games we play and that what I am doing is not looking to stand for the rights of the abused but for my right to feel superior as a 'lesser abusive person' and for judging others as a way to feel better about myself I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when asked 'promise you won't go away from Milan, if you promise to stay I can put more effort in healing' to feel burdened and resentful that someone is making their healing conditional on what I do and for making my healing conditional to what others do, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when interacting with a person I have judged as 'unsave-able' to use them as my excuse to lose interest in being Here, making them the reason why I am authorized to fly off in my mind, a far more interesting place than staying present in the moment as support to another as myself through our process of change while standing my ground in the Here-ness of Breath about their change being their responsibility and no one else's, such as My Own Change is My responsibility and No One Else's

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear this relationship as a tie that ties me down into something I am not yet able to see where it will lead and for fearing I took on more than I can handle given the physical condition of this lady which I have no clue if can be restored to health or not, I forgive myself

I commit myself to, Breathe through this interaction, do not accept and allow myself to participate in backchats however I see myself justifying my own departure from reality and to support this being as an equal and not as someone who has solutions for her that she cannot give to herself

I commit myself to, when I am done with her treatment, to stop thinking about it seeking for solutions, because I see realize and understand that this experience I am having is unprecedented like every moment in life unless I defined as 'something I have already lived' and as such there are no solutions my mind can offer however I may be tempted to seek there sifting through my past experiences, instead I commit myself to stay Here in and as Breathe and to address each point as it comes up in the moment

I commit myself to own up to what goes on inside of me regarding this relationship, as I see realize and understand that nothing that happens while I interact with this lady is 'her fault' but my own creation and I commit to correct myself until nothing moves inside of me as we interact so she can see what the stability that has eluded her all her life would be like and she too may consider not engaging in her Mind, which is the primary reason for her sickness and the massive antidepressant therapy she is on

I commit myself to stop expecting that she may recover, feel better, have a lasting change, have increasingly consistent less pain than when she started as I see realize and understand we are all walking in reverse through the pain of our lives and we can't walk out of pains that have become physical and chronic in a painless way, not because we are punishing ourselves or must suffer, but because chronic painful states walked out of in painless magic ways are just another figment of our 'wand-rous' imagination and have no relation to reality and what needs to be done to correct a physical problem in the physical and furthermore as I see realize and understand that some problems are determined by patterns and constructs we walk I commit myself to not take responsibility for her sliding in and out of her pattern but only to stop my own sliding in and out of my own patterns as I see realize and understand I am the only one I can change for real and no one else.

Day 201: When I feel Stupid is Your Fault

Today first day back at the GYM. The gym consultant gave me a possible schedule of classes I could join and told me that today I could start with the 'Dance Fit' Class, she said it was easy enough to restart a fitness program. Reluctantly I went it.

The teacher started by saying that the choreography of the day was difficult, at which I approached her to tell her 'it's my first time should I give up? Is it going to be too difficult?' and she said 'I don't know, TRY!'.

This comment already moved some backchat, what do you mean you don't know, why don't you check in your head if the choreography you set up is for the Bolshoi Ballet or for American Idol and then come back to me with a specific answer?

The truth is I wanted out and she did not give me a reason to walk out, to quit, her fault.

So here starts the dance routine, she said 'we'll do Jennifer Lopez today'. Panic.

Breathe.

The room was full of mirrors like Versailles, amazingly it didn't reflect to me the Hippo in Tutu from Fantasia that my mind makes me out to be since I am out of shape, many women were not looking like Jennifer Lopez either, so my comparison with venom did not kick in in full power, yet as I stepped on like a retard with the on time crowd during the 45 minutes routine, I could only clumsily follow, I felt Stoopid, And stoopid multiplied to infinity in the endless play of the mirrors. 45 minutes of agony reflected back one million times.

While I was at it, I watched the backchat starting, I wanted to blame the teacher, silly fool, for not telling me HOW complicated it was, for not sparing me from feelingl stoopid, not wanting to take responsibility about the fact that it is my own doing, that I am the one that defined what looks fine and what doesn't and now I am just walking into the scenery i designed for myself.

Of course A conversation was going on in my mind as I became aware of my desire to blame the teacher, 'I'm not going to do that' I said to myself firmly playing out the feedback I was supposed to give to the consultant and yet, at the end of the lesson when I met the consultant I had to say that I didn't like the class, that the choreography was too difficult and the teacher 'not so nice' and I hoped she had not highlighted for me other classes with this teacher, instead of just saying I was too out of shape to follow the steps, there was nothing wrong with the class.

So defeated on so many levels, including my commitment to NOT do that thing I do of blaming others, I left the gym, only to stop at the bakery where I met my student, the one that just tries to survive and get the grade that will allow her to pass the year, had a 20 minutes conversation during which she found a million ways to expose why the teachers are stupid and unreasonable and why since she is specifically asked to do more than the meagre exercises she is supposed to do for homework, she can't be blamed for her failures. Heat went up to my ears. I concluded by saying 'come back to me when you want to learn, I can't FORCE this language on you and just so you know, you are fighting for your own limitations'

I huffed and puffed my way back home, of course wanting to blame her now for how far I am into irritation mode. When I got home I asked myself what was so irritating about this little girl trying to survive the system and voila', my own play in front of my eyes, she is trying to blame her teachers for how she feels about herself, stoopid and with no chance at ever grasping what the hell school is all about.

Welcome to the land of Blame, we "the Adults" are holding that candle up for you.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that I would not be able to keep up with the rest of the class at the GYM, because I was new there

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fel uncomfortable whenever there is something new to do, in case I don't look my best

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is a best and a worse to me, because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am those characters that I have created and that I now play out and I judge myself for my performances within my role playing, instead of stopping the role playing so there is just 1 of me to deal with

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dislike looking at myself in the mirrors in case they reflect back my own judgement of myself and when they didn't for wondering why I spend so much time in my mind when the reality I push myself to face never seems as bad as what goes on in the secrecy of my trials in my Mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, due to the fact that I felt stoopid for moving out of time, look for faults in the teacher and in the class so I could feel better about myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have the patience to learn something new because I have developed the habit to judge myself before I even try, instead of suspending all judgements and just do whatever it is I set myself out to do and correct myself along the way as I learn a new skill

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to find solace in the fact that many women were out of shape because I did compare myself to them as a habit and then decided 'I was not so bad after all', instead of stopping comparison altogether and not using comparison as a way to feel good about myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I stopped and had a chat with S., to allow irritation to mount as she looked for endless justifications of why she had a reason to flunk her tests because the teacher used vocabulary 'she is not expected to know' when in my mind I was telling myself that after 13 years of English we should have a fairly extensive vocabulary, so within both the irritation at the system and at the product of the system as S., I wanted to blame her for blaming her teacher in this endless blame game, instead of being me starting to take responsibility for how I feel so others can see the example of what becoming self responsible is all about

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, since I gave in to the irritation that arose from the point of seeing someone else do what I had just done, as in blaming another for the way I felt, lose touch with reality and make myself useless as I was no longer Here and so I missed out on an opportunity to stand as a direction for this kid because I was too engulfed in an energy surge and I had to leave and for giving in to an energetic possession I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think 'I hope they fail her' which would make me right about the point that she has not been applying herself as she should have done, instead of seeing and realizing we have collectively already failed her, as we taught the children that they have to compete for best marks/grades and not that they are at school to learn something and in so doing we created these little monsters as mini me/us that now play out the Blame game and the It's not my responsibility game to remind us that this is what we are still doing all the time and that we have nothing of value to say until what we say is lived and then shared as the living word and not another dead advise from the deadbeats we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become

When and as I see myself moving into a negative emotion/experience of myself, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that if I give in then I will seek some ways to swing back into the positive feeling/experience of myself instead of standing stable in and as breath without giving in to myself as The Mind

When and as I see myself moving to blame/attempting to blame or already blaming something/somebody outside of myself for the way I have been experiencing myself, I stop, breathe, tell myself that this is not what I want to live and be one and equal to, instead I take responsibility for how I feel at any moment so I can see where my experiences originated from and release myself from them

I commit myself to stop this blaming game, to stop existing as blame and self judgement that then turns into blame and to find out consistently in self honesty where and how I am still participating in this movement, so I can stop myself and realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is best for All for myself and all of existence, Equal and One.

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