Day 352 - Deleting and Correcting my Relationships Paranoia

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop a paranoia regarding flood of words and then translated that into a paranoia of communication in fear that one never knows where good words with good intentions land in the mind of another due to my relationship with my mother instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that there is a problem with words that cannot be corrected with good intentions but has to be corrected in writing as we redefine them to stand absolute as a point of stability within our communication with ourselves and others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when not enough communication is going on to clear all the doubts that come up in my mind, to immediately move into a paranoid state in which I look for the 'real' reasons for the missing communication as if communication was a duty to be carried out only on the other side of the equation and not on my side as well, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have accepted and allowed myself to be led by my mind into conjectures and reasoning about lack of communication to justify why it is not up to me to do the work of communicating and why I am entitled to my mind errands as I work out the hidden reasons for the lack of communication vs asking and clarifying the points with another

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is no sound reason for what I do within my mind when I go and seek for reasons to explain to myself why communication is not happening as those are just excuses I seek to not have to take the responsibility of communicating with another because I accepted and allowed myself to hang on to previous experiences of 'communication gone wrong' with my mother and then turned my past experiences into my guide for all future communications and the reason why I should not engage in it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when having doubts about a point I have not communicated about, go and seek for reasons of my wrongdoing as I repeat the patterns that I learnt in my life with my mother where she would ask me to go to my room and 'think abut what I did wrong' which was mainly her own paranoia projected on me and then I took the habit to immediately move to seek for 'what did I do wrong' when communication with another is not taking place effectively because I assumed everyone must have the same behavioral glitches I saw in my family and that when communication is not taking place it's my fault because I must have done something wrong

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame another when communication is not taking place effectively, because now I am an adult and hence I have gained the right to occupy my mother's position to tell another 'go to your room and think about it' to work out why I am not effectively communicating, blaming on them why my communication is not taking place as a 'payback' for something they did wrong or did not do, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have a choice about repeating patterns as I can self correct and rewrite for myself how I will behave in-stead and not in the image and likeness of someone who did not know better than passing on their own glitches to me in a copy and paste fashion

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear the words 'we have to talk' which extend to meetings, gatherings, getting together of people who 'want to talk' when the talking has not so far proven effective in my life but mostly unpleasant when not just a waste of time and within this for accepting and allowing myself to associate the need of others to communicate about a point to something boring, grievous, unpleasant and for dismissing it as unnecessary instead of seeing , realizing and understanding that it is because I have not overcome the experience of words as weapons that I rather abstain, refrain and hope that everything works out by itself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hope that things can work out by themselves relative to communicating with another when in fact I have no physical experience of ever resolving anything by letting time go by, or by pretending everything was just fine instead of standing and directing the point to a solution that works for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imprint myself with memories of unpleasant talks that I could not escape within my family and for then labeling all potential talks as unpleasant and for believing I had the right to assert my non compliance finally as an adult with the unpleasantness of a required talk, chat, attempt at communicating, without seeing, realizing and understanding that it was my own labeling of communication as unpleasant that generated resistance within me every time a point relative to communication was approached and never communication per se

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a pattern that goes from lack of communication -frustration - blame - desire for retaliation as I copied this design from my family instead of taking responsibility for the starting point of lack of communication without engaging a pattern of behavior in automation vs standing and directing the point in self responsibility

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to punish those that fail in their communication with me without seeing, realizing and understanding that I am perpetrating an ineffective pattern of behavior that is not best for all and that it is my responsibility to correct myself to not allow myself to do to others what was done to me and I did not like at all


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to shield myself from words, my own and others, in fear that words may harm, hurt, may make a situation that was hanging on a thread precipitate beyond the possibility to fix it and within this for giving up on words in separation from myself instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I could correct them, I could dis-harm them and return them to be one and equal to myself as self expression


When and as I see myself starting to go off in my mind wondering why someone is not communicating with me effectively, I stop, breathe, bring this point back to myself and see how I can improve communication between myself and another as one

When and as I see myself looking for conspiracy theory reasons why another is not communicating effectively with me, I stop, breathe, bring this pattern back to myself and move myself physically to correct the point of communication between myself and another as one

When and as I see myself seeking to evade a conversation, a discussion, a meeting, a chat, an interview in fear that I will be flooded with words, with their redundancy, with their never ending loops, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that it is a fear I have created that I can correct by moving myself in and as breath instead than moving myself in and as the mind within justifications and excuses to why I am entitled to bail out from a chance to communicate with another/others

When and as I see myself walking the pattern of desiring isolation to stop the flooding of words into my life, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that I perceive words as invasive because I have separated myself from them in an attempt to not take responsibility for all the harmful words I have spoken against another/others and within this I remind myself that I stand forgiven as I have forgiven myself for my past participation in and as words and that I have to in fact express myself and use words as me to change the pattern in the physical and leave behind who I have been within words for good


I commit myself to explore all the aspects of my resistance to communication and to words and to stand one and equal to my words to no longer create the illusion of separation between me and my words

I commit myself to let go of my past misuse of words as I see, realize and understand that I cannot move forward until I chain myself to my past with and as words and that it is my response-ability to reprogram myself into an effective communicator and a patient listener within words as me as self expression

I commit myself to no longer allow myself to indulge in the paranoia of the whys and hows but to check in the physical with another about what was the meaning of what they tried to convey or why have they not been in touch and communicating as to not allow myself to create needless backchat in my mind

I commit myself to self responsibility around the point of communication

Related articles

• Day 351: Intimate Relationships - The Dwelling of My Paranoia
• Day 427 Twisting and Turning Words
• 108 - the perception of adulthood
• Day 329: Just-ified DisAgreements as Cover Ups for Pettiness and Spitefulness

Day 351: Intimate Relationships - The Dwelling of My Paranoia

We are reconsidering the Paranoia topic for a week.

Last night we had a look at the Paranoia Design. I wish I saw that 20 years ago because it would have saved me much grief in my personal/intimate relationships.

Basically, Paranoia is a consequence of our participation in and as the Mind, as such everything counts, the little reactions one brushes off as insignificant or even worse, as justified, the thoughts, the memories, everything that has an energetic value that is not accounted for and directed will accumulate and finally land one into an Alternate Reality, from which the story doesn't end, from the Alternate Reality as in a whole Made up World of assumptions and con-clusions one keeps feeding the design until the bubble bursts, usually in my experience, wreking absolutely uncalled-for havoc.

I was extensively paranoid when I smoked pot, that was the time when my habit of doing the above bled over into every facet of my existence and ended up into me losing the relationship with my best friend due to this specific behavioral pattern, because of accumulating things I believed she did, said, thought, which I viewed through specific intentions and I kept going until all hell broke loose.

Interestingly, even as I was doing that I had somewhat an awareness that 'I' was the problem, for me it was quite easy because having accepted myself as a pot addict, my whole life was continuosly in question, my choices were questionable, my thoughtts were questionable and then finally my memory became questionable until I could not trust my mind at all -ever and I perceived myself hostage of a creation I had no clue how I had created and how to stop, mostly it happened under my non-watch, one single step at the time further fucking myself into the depths of my delusions.

One of the things that I found really screwed me to the bone was isolation and solitude, those are places that only healthy well balanced people should go and visit and I was not one of those, I don't even know many of them either, isolation and solitude are actually the last resort of the Paranoid, the place where we go and pretend to thrive so we won't have to face the fact that we basically fucked up All our relationships, no matter how good we have become to justify the righteousness of our stand and ways.

So, for today topic I want to write about what happens to me in private/intimate relationships, specifically when 'the object of my affection' is not around, which might illustrate the design in more detail for others to see it as well.

It usually starts with everything cool, leveled comunication while some points are not disclosed just because they seem irrelevant or petty on my side, this as well comes from my experience with my mother's attempts at comunication which invariably led to lengthy moments of tension and my desire to run away and stop the river of meaningless words she would flood me with and that I had lost the ability to see for what they were, her attempt to reach out and right things between us, however she could.

It's a bit sad to write this now as even this point that led to me believing in how useless words are as effective tools to navigate the world was a point of sellf manipulation, which I used to not allow her to get close because I myself did not know how to fix all the water that had gone under our shared bridge and I didn't see how it would be possible that simple words could correct the consequences of our actions and participation as the relationship we lived, we had participated in extensive mutual diminishment and never corrected it, her clumsy attempts to straighten things out were always met by me with contempt, specifically when her speeches started with 'you know I love you very much'.

yes, right, this must be why you beat me, or threw me out of your house or told me I was a whore just because you couldn't find any other way to put me down - just keep your fucking loving to yourself all-right-y?

In this way words somehow lost credibility in my eyes and I decided I wouln't waste my time and my life in even trying to fix with words what was done with deeds, there was no way, they were no match.

I took on most of my mother's constructs, like the building up of energy in the form of anger, frustration, disappointment, I just changed the way I dealt with them because I didn't like her way, the incontinent way of leaking words continuously looking for resolutions that never came.

And so I embody the opposite, the aversion to communicating or even trying, the resistance to sitting down to elaborate a point with another beyond preconceived ideas and I am the most ineffective in my intimate relationship, where I always skip the 'what is going ons', 'where are you ats', 'what's your view on this', to make sure step by step that we understand each other, instead I leave extended period of silence go by, pretending everything is cool, trying to make everything go away by shushing away thoughts and reactions vs stopping and directing myself and them into A SOLUTION, into an agreement that doesn't leave space for backchats or doubts.

In my next blog I will write my Self forgiveness and corrective statements on this specific point.

Day 317: Intimate Relationship = My Cup Runneth over with Paranoia

Nothing in my life, apart from Money, has the ability to set me off on Paranoia trips like relationships. The 'Intimate' ones are the best, because in those I have conveyed the fears and the Paranoia of all those that came before me and wanted to stand as an example of what life should be about, a game of winning and losing where the Fear of losing stands as the engine that pushes one to want to win, to desire to win because the alternative is the loss of things that didn't have any value until someone said, implied or in other ways delivered the concept that they in fact mattered.

So, my relationships have been plagued by Paranoias of all sorts, the most relevant ones are:

fear of loss

fear of judgement

fear of being ridiculed

fear of what others may think about me/about the relationship

fear of expressing myself sexually

fear of talking about sex,

fear of having sex too soon, too late, in a too remissive way, in a too agressive way

fear that I may not even understand what expressing mySelf sexually means as I have internalized the sexual interpretation of others, from advertisement to movies, books, stories and now I am just a broken recorder, playing out what I believe to be my preferences when all the while I am living someone else's preferences and I have not even noticed

fear of sharing my fears

fear of loss of face, which is just the fear of losing ground, of not being able to uphold an image of myself, the one through which I entered the relationship

fear of losing out/missing out on the better chances to come

fear of commitment

fear of a relationship outside of a commitment

fear of not being able to understand what a commitment is and how I should evaluate if entering a relationship that seems best is just best for me and when extending this best to another, fear that I may not be considering if this is best in the long run for both, for all

fear of not even being able to consider another in my assesment, let alone the Whole

fear of being jailed into a commitment

fear that if I commit I can never move on with 'The One' when he will finally come

fear that if I commit I can no longer play the game of keeping some men on the backburner for when I decide to move onto them as a replacement

fear of being used

fear of using others

fear of consequences

fear of being pregnant

fear of being bored

fear of being boring

fear of being obnoxious, a drag, a party pooper

fear of not being attractive enough

fear of comparison with other women who are more atractive than me

fear of losing out on his interest, that he may be more interested/attracted to another woman

fear that he is not interested if he is not jealous

fear that I will keep playing the games I learnt that are about 'winning' because they make me feel good about myself

fear of playing out my relationships based on my fears

fear of unraveling all of my fears because then what is left is the self interest that motivates my moves to ensure that I win at all times

fear that if I do tackle the relationship point, then relationship will become MEAN-ing-Less and I won't know how to relate or move inside one without all my previously carefully crafted guidelines

from tomorrow I will look into each fear to find where they originated from and how I turned my life as relationship into a paranoia parade

Related articles

• Day 398: The Lovey Paranoia
• Day 384 Journey to Life Facing my Paranoia in a Live Situation
• Day 395: Paranoia: the Home of Human Reason - Part One
• Day 396: Paranoia: the Home of Human Reason - Part Two
• Day 401: Thinking is for Losers
• Day 313 - Don't Sweat the Small Stuff
• Day 400: The Paranoia of Intent
• Day 411: GPS: the Global Paranoia System Reaches Turkey

Day 316: Patterns - Shall I Repeat Myself - or Not?

I have just read one of the amazing blogs in the Creation's Journey to Life series titled

Personal Choice and the Effect on One’s Life.

I am  dealing with a behavioural pattern relative to relationships, this time I kinda saw the pattern coming and I knew where it would take me because I have ridden this pattern many times before, the dead end is when I finally manage to harm another, at that moment I snap out. Way too late.

Did I stop myself before this time? NO, because I am used to the ride, because this is what I have defined Life and myself as, a series of unavoidable disasters for which I have braced throughout my life hoping that I would survive the impact when it would come, and at times, hoping that I wouldn't. 

Yesterday my mum came to visit me and talked about a pattern she is becoming aware of and we tried together to unravel it, the pattern was about being punishing, I asked if she could walk herself back to when it started and she said that she had memories of her grandma telling her to go away when she would ask for her forgiveness and of her mother one year purposely not calling for her birthday as a punishment, she said 'grandma was very punishing, you know' and I do, I just managed to stay out of her punishing streak way better than my mother by not doing or saying what she would do and say. Suppression starts at home, so does multiple personality disorder we all suffer from and the paranoia that arises from the stress of being in 'Character', always managing the chorus of voices in the head that are demanding, judging, scaring the living beejesus out of all those that listen. 

What I found interesting in this chat is that my mum had more memories of when it was done to her than of when she did it herself, for example with me, because I myself recall a birthday in which she told me she had found something she was sure I would have liked at the market but didn't buy it because she didn't feel like it, since I didn't deserve it. Those were my teenage years, when the flames of rebellion burnt high and mighty and parents felt the need to increase the crushing to make sure nothing was left of value of their children, just because they were raised in the same -appalling- way and never questioned the 'patterns' they themselves repeated.

SO, I myself took on board the same punishing personality, it manifests for me especially inside MEAN-ing-FULL relationships, where for some reason I believe anything goes and I should be forgiven everything I do or die trying, no matter the amount of harm I elicit to inflict.

Yes, because this was the point of the above Blog, how we in fact use a pattern to repeat ourselves and our mistakes and call them a 'habit of behavior' which is the outflow of a habit of thought which was generated by a memory that we accepted and allowed ourselves to live in our flesh and go on to clone, seeking closure, seeking ways to self affirm its right to exist and live as us until it solidifies into a whole personality network with thoughts and feelings of its own and then we are left as the spectators of lives we no longer can control, as the plethora of characters we created take over for the day, for the week, for a lifetime that goes while we are never Here participating and making the choices that would Matter, those that would depart us from what we have taken on board by dysfunctional people who themselves took it on through dysfunctional exchanges by other dysfunctional people and yet we come to believe that we are the minority, we sit in fear while we as our Minds have a field day in the front lines, a bit like what we do with the monetary/world system, where the 99% claims they can't find a solution to the problem of the world because the 1% is holding the wheel and there is nothing we can do. Hellooo?

One of my friend wrote about a kafkian character, a jailer, who used to carve the sins of the inmates on their flesh, so aren't we all kafkian jailers, aren't we the ones carving ours and other miss-takes into our flesh and then go and live them out, over and over, until we automate them and THEN we can finally say we have lost the response-ability to Change when in fact as in any operating system, it's just about rewriting the script we have lived by, meticulously and specifically, just as much as we did when we specified our reasons for why we were entitled and allowed to keep doing what we did and why we could not stop, when in fact we could.

This is a lesson I have learnt from my mum as she is eager to know everything and more about Desteni, pushing me to get organized for my trip to SA -get the passport, what are you waiting for, you are resisting this trip- and told me that she always followed me for solutions -hence get your ass to SA, lady!-, which brought on a truckload of guilt as my solution was to live ostrich like with my head well buried in the sand while I preached the doctrine of love and light and now I have not shared what I am learning in full because it's all too overwhelming at times and I am still finding my own footing in this new realizations of what we are and what we have done and the need, the burden to have to fix it all.

So, I told my mum the other day, 'imagine that we are an operating system', I usually choke on this words, the fall from what I believed to be to the realization of being possibly less than an operating system so far seems just too much to bear at times, I preferred it so much more when I believed I was divine, in the image and likeness of god and yes, that would make god as good of a psycopath as myself, but we were working on forgetting our sins together, both myself and God, until Desteni came around to say that nothing goes away until we realize how we did it and correct it into a solution, hard to believe in a world where we could delude ourselves about the point that there are no consequences we have to bear if we have enough money to escape them, isn't this the point of Money after all, the guarantee that if we pile up enough we can shift our responsibility onto others, we can 'buy' our way out of anything and so busy we became with that that we missed out on seeing that consequences don't go away, they are here to stay until we address them into a solution that works for all. Kansas just went bye bye.

My mum said 'wow, this is comforting', it's good to know we are just an operating system, then all the guilt and crap we can let it go and rewrite the script' - where were you woman when I struggled so much with this idea? Where all solutions have always been, right in front of our face, it's the fear of the consequences that prevents us from accessing solutions and I still have plenty, the fear of looking at what I did as a faulty operating system, I could have operated for what is best for all but I did not, it's not too late though because I breathe and I am here, I am the potential of a Life, can I rewrite myself into a fully functional living being? That is to be seen, but there would not be any other better test than have to design oneself into a part of the whole that considers the whole and self at the same time at all times, that would have been what a Creator of Life would have designed, are we Creators of Life or Supporters of Death?

We'll have to Live to answer this for ourselves, the stage is set, the props are in place, now the Author comes in, we have the Authority, the Authorship, we get the royalties for what we write, they are called con-sequences, can we keep conning ourselves into sequences of behavior of which we know the ending or shall we stop, get off this The-Mented ride, dust ourselves off and sit back at the drawing table, we didn't do well so far, the proof is in the pudding, in the world we live in, what we Authored and Authorized is not worthy of Creators of Life, let's redo it from scratch, we can do way better than this and so We Shall.

Continuining tomorrow to unravel how I created a life of Paranoia in relationships that I then went and called a Pattern, to justify why I was allowed to keep repeating it because I am not Alive yet but just A Lie seeking to justify the harm and abuse I participated in and no longer want to exist in and as.

Related articles

• Day 394: Personal Choice and the Effect on One's Life
• DAY 388: Anarchists, Mothers and Brainwashing (Part Two)
• Day 391: Coercion - The Misfortune of the Fortunate
• Day 374: Universal Secrets of Automation as Keys for Success
• A process to Self Respect and Integrity - Day 366