Day 97: The Arrogance Character taking full Shape

After surviving the wrath of my mother regarding school, I moved on to a boarding house, run by nuns again, 1 hour away from my city of Birth.

I went there because my mum would no longer allow me to stay at my grandparents, having worked out that I liked it and believing it was not good for me and our relationship.

As a last resort to NOT be sent to boarding school I asked to go and live with my father, my mum contacted him, he allowed me to go for a weekend and then told me he was not able to keep me, that it would have been inconvenient for him to host me now that I was 15 and he lived in a small village with no access to school. My conclusion was that he just didn't want me.

This was a point that marked a big change between me and my mum, by her own admission she started to hate me for having expressed the desire 'to leave her', on my side the anger grew as I saw myself rejected by my mother having decided to pack me off to boarding school and by my father, and my grandparents just kept silent and watch this great injustice done onto me.

As a result I gave up on the permission to go home once a week and staid within the boarding school instead, to spite my mother.

This was the time when she started to show some crazy behaviour, meaning while before there was a sort of logic I could follow whenever we were having an argument, which was often, after this episode things became blurred in her mind and she went on medication for 'mood disorders'. She saw me going to boarding house as well as a safer alternative as she could feel 'she was not well' and saw me out of the way as the best for everybody involved.

At the nuns place, the anger compounded with defiance, I wanted to show myself that I was more clever than they were with their strict rules, washing our hair twice a week vs the once a week they allowed, threw away our food to rush up after dinner to smoke in hiding, and walked around the corridors holding Bertrand Russel book 'Why I am not a Christian', me and Sophia were the ringleaders with no followers as everyone stepped in line with the prayers and all the shenanigans, yet we were piling up 'respect' for our Characters who were fearless -on the surface- defiant, and did not give a shit.

I started to wear only dark colors and held on to this Character of fearlessness for dear life, this is where I started to consolidate arrogance as well as I saw I was more able to portray an image of myself than others and I saw how my being special held others mesmerized and in a state of submission.

Of course as I grew up I became more devious about it all as I realized that arrogance was NOT socially praised, I moved my arrogance inside, into My Secret Mind, in which I was always better and more than others one way or another, fearing to be called out anytime for NOT being that special, pairing only with the 'special' ones like me, snubbing the ones I perceived as 'boring and not exciting' not blatantly but secretly, looking for excitement and fear-full situation in which I could experience the thrill of being alive, seeking experiences for myself at the cost of others, while walking a balancing act, making sure to never appear arrogant as that was NOT rewarded, but spiting them inside my mind when I saw something at which they were better than me, diminishing them, until there was no competition in my mind and I could stand as the Undisputed Unchallenged Alpha Female.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished as I was sent to a Catholic boarding school because I was told as a kid that only if I were bad I would be sent to boarding school and there I was, off to boarding school

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished as I held on to the belief that my mother 'did not want me around' and for feeling less than the girls whose mothers held them close to the family

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished and worthless when my father said NO to me staying with him and I felt such rejection that I felt ashamed of myself as a worthless piece of crap

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress all these emotions and hide them, turning these emotions and feelings of worthlessness into a festering wound that I perceived and believed I had, believing that I was damaged as only really unworthy kids are sent away from their families in Italy and I must be really unworthy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that only the unworthy kids are not allowed to have a family when in reality many kids have no family and it has nothing to do with their worth but just out of the circumstances of life and having accepted and allowed ourselves to participate in a world where no one is fully supported in any way, financially or mentally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as inferior and unworthy because I wanted to perceive my mother as not wanting me, while I was perfectly capable to see that she was not spiting me but sending me away to a place where she believed I would be less damaged by her own self hatred, that she believed she felt for me for having 'rejected ' her and could not contain

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I hated myself because I believed I was rejected by my family

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a 'Rebel Character' as a way to get even with all the injustices I perceived and wanted to believe I had gone through in my life as a way to justify my behaviour and why it was that I only wanted to think about myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the judgement of others and on this fear build a Character of Arrogance that displayed intellectual tastes, such as for books I did not care to read but carried around to show my superiority as the choice of books I made, which I used to define myself as I chose titles that were defined and considered 'Intellectual', meaning that were read by Intelligent people who were more than stupid people, as I feared to be considered and judged stupid for having walked away from scientific studies just because I could not match the 'image status' of the students that attended the expensive private school

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value on Intelligence and Intellect above myself as Life, making the Intelligent/ Intellectual people -in my eyes- more than the ones who were not Intelligent/Intellectual, hoping that by association I would be considered Intelligent/Intellectual and not Stupid

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as stupid for the choices I made out of fear in my life, as I was unable to stand the pressure of anything New and did not have the Patience to give myself a little time to adjust as I am a product of a Consumerist society, that teaches that if you fail once or on one topic YOU are a failure

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was/am a Failure, I am Not a Failure just because I have failed something in my Life and I no longer accept the ALL ROUND definition of myself as a Failure for what I have not done right, that I can stand and self correct by applying myself again and learning from the first miss-takes I made

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was right to feel superior to everyone because they were inferior as a FACT, while I was the one making up the facts, manipulating memories and reality to suit the idea I wished to have of myself as being better and more than others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame for not being wanted by my family according to my own manipulated perception that allowed me to be spiteful inside, by thinking that through my behavior I was just giving back what I got, which was rejection and diminishment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the judgement of others if they knew I went to boarding school which I translated as "Not having been wanted by my family", not having had anyone step up and say 'I'll take her' believing that I was unworthy and undesired and that I had to build up some Character to 'show them' what they missed out by not wanting me, which led me to build the Arrogant Character, wanting to believe I was more than what I believed and perceived my family had defined me as, unworthy to be kept and cared for, as I used these memories to weaponize myself against the world, establishing that if my family was my enemy so was all the world and that whatever I wanted I would have to get for myself because nobody cared for me but it was just because they failed to see how special I was 'inside'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be 'special' as a way to get the love that seemed to go to the 'special ones', that I allowed myself to believe I had not got from my family which meant I was NOT special and this justifid my existence as the 'Character that Desires to be Special'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, out of my perceived rejection and unworthiness to build a Character that 'knows better' than anyone, that is better than anyone, so I would never have to be challenged again by outside forces trying to make me feel inferior, as I failed to see that there was only me playing this demented game within my mind and that only I could make myself feel inferior, because noone can 'make me feel or experience ' anything as I am the one who decides how I experience myself either through standing up and directing myself or by being trashed around by my Memory and Characters, each one fighting for a space and the limelight while I disappear in the background, too fearful to stand up to this majestic war happening inside of me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the War that happens inside of me is too Majestic for me to stand up, STOP my participation in It and redirect myself to What is Best for All, failing to remind myself that at all times I am the One that Decides

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become Arrogant in a perceived self defense for which I myself created the need for, in fear of being attacked or 'made to feel something or experience something' and so I used arrogance within my Mind to make myself more, above, superior, so I could counter attack the imaginary strikes of others against me as a Character that I myself allowed myself to design and embody, believing this to be me, allowing Characters to become Me to use Me as living Flesh to sustain themselves, while I accepted myself to live the lies that I had to BeLieve to allow my Characters as me to have a 'Life' of their own, even though their existence is/was against Life and myself as Life and What is Best for All

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this story of my Life is me as who I really am, and that these experiences that I have filed and stored in support of my Characters are in fact Me and define Me, within a limited set of Characters that limit Me as Self Expression, Here, in every moment of Breath, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that Characters are not Real and I can either spend my Life in support of What is not real, or STOP and support myself as the physical to walk away from anything that is not aligned to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use memories of myself as experiences to define who I was and who I will be, in a consistent time loop of stupidity, failing to see that it is me that decides and that when I let go the memories that held the Characters in place I can set myself free and learn what Self expression as Me is, Here in every moment of Breath

I commit myself to stop my existence as a Character that is generated by and through memories of me failing as a reason for the existence of such Character in the first place, in this game of Hide and Seek that I am playing with myself, stopping using distractions and excuses to Not be Here, while I live in fear of What is Here, instead of seeing and realizing that there is One place to fear where fear exists and that is within My Mind as I play competing Characters that do not get along, that do not share the same Opinions and that end up driving me crazy, if I accept it and allow it, which I commit myself to NOT accept and allow anymore

I commit myself to become consistent in breathing, in bringing me back to earth, earthing myself every time I catch myself flying off after a thought, no matter how clever the though or how interesting the path laid out in front of me might seem, as I see realize and understand, that I have never been led anywhere that was worth the trip and that when I am following a thought I am in Character already, and I want to Stop this Character Play and I am the One that decides, so remind myself that I do have a choice and that I have already made my choice as The Decision to stand for Life

I commit myself to be patient, to not get upset or judgemental when I catch myself following a thought, as I see that I have layered my life as Characters that now have their own thoughts within me as me, and that it will take some time to repossess my dispossessed body as the physical and stop this take over, but that I can do it, step by step, breath by breath, until I stand Clear of the Monstrosity I myself have created within and as me as the Mind Consciousness System that is now fighting for its own survival vs its End as the Emergence of Life on Earth, One and Equal for everyone

I commit myself to forgive myself for my participation in and as the Mind Consciousness System absolutely, as I see realize and understand that only absolute self forgiveness will give myself and this World the Absolute Absolution for what we have done as Crimes against Life, and I want this Absolution for myself and I give it to myself absolutely so that All of existence may receive it too Equal and One.

Day 59: A Wedding, an Addiction and Other Crimes Against Life

On My wedding day we were just 12, yet there was a lot of commotion.

We did not get married in Church being both non Catholics, we had a Civil Wedding at the Royal Villa in Milan, this is actually a real picture of the Gardens of this Villa that is now called City Hall, as if it belonged to the City since the Citizens pay for its maintenance, instead we are allowed in just once (or more) in our Life, when we get married. I actually had pictures of myself and my husband taken on this bridge just after the wedding, in the exact same Sepia Colour.

I had them, because like everything I did in my life, when I walked away from it, I tried desperately to not keep any picture, to let everything go, and I identified more or less everything in and as my life with pictures.

Little did I know at the time that pictures end up embedded as memories in our Flesh, into the very fabric of who we are, "What the Bleep" talked blandly about it, then when I met Desteni finally I started to understand how and why everything seemed burnt into me and why I perceived myself as scarred for and by Life, first by my Family Life and then by my Marriage.

Many other relationships with men came and went, I did not allow any of them to scar me as much as my marriage did, not my husband Fault, this is very clear now, just all my doing, in my movement that started from a fucked up beginning that run all throughout my marriage.

After the wedding we left and moved to Singapore, we left the day after, I had to pack all my stuff which at the time came up to just less than 20 boxes, sold my car, had 17 days from the beginning of January to make it all happen,

At the time I had a severe Pot addiction, I knew I was supposed to pack but every day I would get up and smoke myself silly, I was anxious about leaving Italy with a man I barely knew that I met on a business trip in Las Vegas one year before the day of my marriage and that I had seen on weekends only and on one week of holiday that we spent together, and I couldn't handle the pressure, so smoking was my only way to assist myself to get 'apparent' breaks from my extensive backchats about my fears and how I feared he would leave me for another woman when he would realize I was just a fuck up with a bad pot addiction. 

I had not hidden this from him, just the extent of my addiction, when he was around during the weekends I would control myself, when he arrived in Italy one day before the wedding and saw I had almost packed nothing he told me 'it doesn't matter, we do it together' which meant he almost packed everything for me and told me 'you'll give up your addiction in Singapore, simply because there is the death penalty there and we won't risk ever to just have a smoke, right?' which was another huge point of anxiety for me, I would HAVE to give up Pot, imagine that, I had lived until then trying to reconcile that this was WHO I was, an addict, better accept this and design my life around this addiction that I would just never give up.

So my marriage started on guilt and shame, I got pregnant from the "one night stand" we spent together in Las Vegas and aborted, because I did not have money to support a kid if I had to leave my job, I didn't even think about it twice, it was obvious, my ex husband who had got in touch again after the one night stand and to whom I told I was pregnant but would not keep it, after we had seen each other for a few weeks in a row, told me 'we'll keep the next one' and hugged me all night when he came to visit just after the surgery. It was my second, the second was easier, it's amazing how we get used to everything and accept that our lives are choices that we have to make within our limited resources, I live you die, or we both die.

Basically he embodied everything I wanted in a man, he was good looking, tall, intelligent, kind, we had great interesting conversations and a future ahead of him, he would surely grow in his position at work and I could tag along.

The things that were not right was all the backchat that manifested from when he asked me to marry him, then the Marriage Holy Ghost possessed me, everything he did I compared to movies, I got no ring, no going on his knees he did not say he couldn't live without me, in fact he said that it would be 'most practical, that his boss told him it would be easier if we were married' which of course led to me holding this one point against him forever, believing that he did not want me, he was just being practical, and on this I built a castle of bitterness and anguish with which I abused myself and him, seeking that certainty that in fact he did want me and loved me and he had not married me just to get me to Singapore, because I had told him, Icannot leave everything just for a fling, so marriage was the collateral that was put up for my Life, and I accepted it.

When we exchanged vows we were asked if we wanted common property of assets, at the time we did not have much assets, I had a tiny apartment in Milan, my husband waited for me to decide since I was the only asset owner among us and I said YES, he saw this as a gesture of good will, I saw this as an investment into sharing what he would make in the future.

On my wedding day my father reappeared from nowhere, he lived the flower child life unsuccessfully and when he aged he ended up going to work for his ex flower child friends who now all run successful businesses. His appearance created tension, my grandfather lost his chance to take me to the 'Altar', my mother got to review her lost chances at marriage in memory lane and cried throughout the wedding, my mother in law cried as she felt lonely, her ex husband not being there because my husband invited him too late. My grandmother pushed my mother out of the way to sit next to us at the wedding table, my mother sat sad and grieving throughout the lunch.

We had lunch at the Brazilian restaurant and ordered cahipirinas for everyone, a spirit mixed with sugar and lime, instead of wine, this is how we got to take a breath in all the emotional turmoil, when everyone was finally drunk, we started 'having fun', or better we started no longer giving a fuck about anyone else and whatever it was that was eating them all, and as the spirit grew in theirs and our blood, so our Spirits rose, from the Graves to the Stars, finally, all able to embody the lie that our lives have become, the Happy relatives at the Happy Happy Wedding Day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was not good enough for my husband

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty because my marriage was born out of a cndition that I had set, that I would not go to Singapore just for a 'fling' pushing my husband to propose, or so I believed, and for this judgement of myself I spent my marriage looking for clues that he did in fact not want me and that he just married me because 'I manipulated him into it'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my ex husband did not want me and I maniuplated him into marriage when in fact each one of us is responsible for what we do and my manipulation doesn't affect him but myself as I end up in guilt, shame, remourse and then self judgement

I forgive myself for accepting andd allowing myself to hold myself hostage to my own self judgement of how I have manipulated others instead of seeing I have only and always manipulated myself only and created more separation inside myself while I created layers of screen to not face my own self judgements because at least I judged myself which allowed me to feel right and righteous

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself so I would get to feel right and righteous and more than others that were wrong and less than me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed because I had a pot addiction the extent of which I kept hidden in fear that I would lose value in his eyes, because I had already lost value in my own eyes for living the life of an addict

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as bad for having lived the life of an addict and for defining myself as an addict

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed when my husband came to Milan and found out I had packed fuck all because I was too busy smoking myself silly so I would not have to face all the fears I felt regarding moving abroad and getting married

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear marriage, getting married and my wedding day and for leaving behind all my pictures hoping that I could delete what happened without taking responsibility for my participation within and as it and the outflow and consequences I had to live due to my participation in and as The MIND

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that because my husband saw me like that, overtaken by my addiction, he had lost respect for me and I walked into my marriage feeling that I had a debt and was flawed and I was not of Equal value to him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress shame and guilt for my inability to walk away from Pot to start a new life, even when I had an opportunity because by then I had made Pot my God and I  feared living without it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel numb when I aborted for the second time, not devastated like the first time, because I saw myself has having failed and having embraced the Money system so completely that it had become who I was and all my decision were based on money and my ability to support myself and a child did not fit into the picture at any time in my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give myself up to the Money system in fear for my survival and what I would not be able to do to make money if I had children at 23 and then 29, when my life had finally just settled into some sort of financial stability that I could not give up because I feared for my future within this world and how I would face life with children

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for my abortions as if I were bad and unworthy because the Catholics condemned abortion, instead of seeing that it is the world we live in that is a crime against Humanity and Life and that I just accepted it and allowed it by admitting that my survival was more important than the survival of anyone else and that I would do anything to secure my position within the system to be able to survive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the sadness of my abortions because I judged myself as the fault and the cause for them and since I was the cause I had given up my right to grieve and see that I was just scared and that I have to stop judging myself for what I have done to survive and instead stand as the Solution so other women won't have to base their choices in life on surviving but on Life and What is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed when my mum came to pick me up at the first abortion and she brought me flowers as it is customary for surgeries, and I saw all the other girls there alone and no one knew they were there and their mothers would have never supported them and I felt guilty for having the support of my mother who had to make the same choice before me for the same reasons as me, because the system is so fucked up that support is not there for women unless they work to support themselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate the flowers my mum brought to me to a celebration and for feeling guilty and shameful associating flowers and celebration to an event like an abortion for which I was required to be sad and grieving and remorseful instead

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide my first abortion as something that it should never be spoken about ever again, because I had not forgiven myself for my own self judgement of myself as being a careless slut and how could have that happened to someone like me who was on the pill since I was 17, preaching that abortion is just a sign of careless stupidity until I had to face mine and had to feel carelessly stupid through my own judgement of others as myself, One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was not worthy to bring a child into this world because I was too fucked up and I would have passed it on to my child, like my grandma did to my mother and then she did to me and I was not good enough to procreate because I saw myself as useless and unworthy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty when my husband to be hugged me all night after my abortion, because inside of me I believed I did not deserve it, that I was BAD and that there was no redemption for me having made the same miss-take twice, just for a fuck and look where it led

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself in debt toward my husband to be because he had been so understanding and nice through that post abortion time and he called me every night and I feared losing him so much that after my marriage I did everything in my power to lose him but I just embittered him and he would not leave me until I had to leave, leaving behind grief and sorrow, hoping it would not catch up with me and that he would handle it because he was better than me at handling 'emotions' (or suppressing them) and I could just move on

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to store and suppress so much grief inside of me regarding my marriage and everything that I did wrong that when I saw Andrea's pictures I felt like crying as all this stuff bubbled up inside of me again, instead I suppressed it down again and kept walking to give myself some more time before unraveling Me, the wedding and my abortions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live my wedding day in a state of constant tension, looking forward to smoking Pot and drinking the next cahipirinha, so I could keep everything suppressed and under control and not have to see my mother crying and my grandfather sad, and my mother in law lonely and face that I was witnessing the microcosm of Humanity in a room, where all the pettiness and the grievances of a lifetime where exposed and raw and what really goes on inside each one of us was there for everyone to see and could no longer be hidden but by alcohol or drugs, legal or illegal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately arrange spirit drinks for everyone, so they too would suppress everything that was going on and we could spend a fake quiet happy day, pretending that all was fine and the future in front of us was bright and that we were living the perfect fairy tale wedding day, on our way to our honeymoon and Happily Ever After

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sign for joint ownership of assets as an investment in my future, investing in my husband future life and his future assets so I would be guaranteed a survival within the system, because I felt like a fraud and I feared the day I would be called out for what I was, my survival would no longer be certain and I would not probably make it in the world by myself and it was better to have a man next to me to 'support' me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be supported both emotionally and financially because then I would not have to participate in this world of fights and struggles and face the system as myself, but I would be someone else's responsibility and I could just drift through life unscathed by this system of self interest and survival, while I was my own system of self interest and survival inside the walls of my own home

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not communicate to my husband what was going on with me and for keeping up the suppression game that increased my back chats and made me feel dishonest within my relationship for what I projected on him about me and how I felt because I did not know how to take responsibility for myself and how to correct myself until I met Desteni and applied the tools they taught me and within this I stop all judgements for who I have been and what I did and think, understanding that now is just a matter to walk backwards, own up to the life I have lived and correct my relationships of thoughts words and deeds back into alignment with what is best for Life as What is Best for All, which is what is best for me as in stopping the self abuse of me as judgements and recriminations about what would have been if I were different, as I walk  the manifested consequences of what I laid out for myself and breathe until all of me stands corrected in alignment with Life and What is best for All

I commit myself to dig into this relationship until I feel clear that when my ex husband name is spoken I have no movements and no reactions and I stand clear as one relationship that has finally aligned to what is best for me and what is best for All, as Life, One and Equal.