How did I change through this process?
This topic is one in which I see both my change and my resistance.
The change took the form of being able to see what is really here, the resistances takes the form of wanting to brush what is really here under the carpet so I can hold on, one last time, to the potential for love.
The point that I wrote myself out so much in the past months has made this idea of love so watered down that it slips through my fingers even when I attempt to hold on to it against my best interest and so it has become a double battle, one with myself to let go and one with myself as I judge myself for how poorly I have managed to hold on to it, how I fucked up my chance to have the romance, even just by sms or in my Mind, but no, I had to sleepwalk at times and write too much, exposing too much how I have changed, not nurturing the lie that I could with a bit of effort step back into 'who I was' so we could have the 'who we were' for a time, just once more.
Today I hence deleted the Facebook friendship and the skype contact, the two places I have identified as having done the most damage to 'my image' having exposed too much first about my change and then about what I would really like, such as a connection, something real, a man to chat to self honesty, a real friend.
I know this was not about sex, not because I don't want a lover, I just don't want it now because I See that unless I walk myself into my physical sexual expression first, I'll end up role playing again in bed and that will stand in the way of my process of getting to know myself beyond the imaginary sexual hang ups I gave into throughout my life, plus he was not the most adventurous lover so the attraction is not a sexual desire, which in fact is one of the point that is pushing me away from this 'potential relationship', it was more the milking of the 'good feelings' of love and desire to be together, be desired by someone as a partner, looking for the value of me into a relationship with someone else, something I have repeatedly looped into in my life and I am not going to time loop again.
As a nice reminder of this 'need' to be desired, today I watched a documentary called 'The bodies of women', a story of women on our national Italian TV, not the after midnight shows for adults, no, these are the lunch shows, the Sunday afternoon shows, the every moment show, where women are depicted as objects to be desired, but not pushed into those roles, nono, they walk into them eagerly, competing with each other for the sexiest shots, youngest takes, best breasts, pubic areas exposures and it made me very sad. Today for the first time I saw why I would shave my hair even if I won't because I need to look 'presentable' to make a living and no hair in Italy is just pushing the envelope too much, being too 'weird' and I am not yet established enough to set my own rules and have a safe income, but, even the fact that I considered what I would discover about myself by shaving my hair was a step ahead from not even considering it, seeing that as women we are the ones who have the responsibility to do our part to step out of this 'meat market' game, if we don't walk away from the belief that the most interesting thing we have is the hole between our legs we are fucked, literally, and not in the fun way either, in the demeaning bashing that is pushing us to line up to be 'the chosen ones' waging war on each other and secretly hating the men we make responsible for what we are in fact doing to ourselves.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to encourage the idea of romance of my ex by sending him messages and well written stories to show him that I have become literate in his language and that we could now, finally, have good communication, when in fact the only point that worked in our relationship when I was 17 and then 23 was the lack of communication
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hope to receive messages by sms that would 'warm up my days and my heart' when in fact I was seeking just for an excuse to go on a rampage of 'positive energy' that had nothing to do with the other being but just with myself and my desire for an ego boost
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to indulge in reminiscing about our past as something of value, conveniently forgetting that once I said No to marriage and once he said No to marriage and that we were in fact both clear at different times that we were just consumed by an illusion in and as the Mind with no Physical real connection having ever taken place between us
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to regret the things I wrote as I saw that I did not play the game successfully to keep him hooked because that would have made me feel too guilty, but I pussyfooted with the keeping him hooked and then I judged myself because I should have either gone all the way and hook him back or just leave him alone instead of living the middle path which is just another way to not face my own guilt nor the responsibility for what I do and how I act
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live all my life on the middle track so I would never expose myself too much, manipulating for what I wanted instead of establishing a clear communication in which I could say what it was that I wanted and desired and not pretend I was above it all, detached and never wanting anything in fear that I could be told NO and would have to face the point of rejection
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I did say I was not interested because we are on two separate paths and I don't want to go back to faking just for the sake of some positive experience, that I would not be liked, desired and that I would lose my chance for added value that I could get by having a man in my life interested in me, even if this relationship was imaginary and had nothing based in the physical reality that I could really live and experience as myself as support in and as the physical
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create imaginary idea and ideals of perfect relationships in my Mind based on movies, fairy tales, pictures and images that I then tried to live out in the physical reality, only to be always disappointed because reality was never a match to my perfect imagination and fairy tale designed situation, words or sexual experiences and within this for trying and mold my partners to fit into my imaginary ideas of perfect relationships so I could feel 'happy and fulfilled' I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I realized this was going nowhere, to stubbornly hold on to it as the Imaginary Perfect relationship in my Mind, because I fear having to start from scratch and so I rather pick up a man from the past, dust him out a bit, give him an imaginary make over and try again, hoping that he will know me by now, even though I myself know I am not the same woman and that this would mean to have to step back to who I was to give him/them a chance to pretend to still know me and for holding on even when I saw there was no way I was going back to please a man this time, even though I pretended I would, I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I saw clearly that I was at a time loop intersection, at a point I have already lived a few times of giving up my life that is now beginning to work again for a delusion of the mind only to have to start over again and again when I would fall back on the planet, to not immediately come clean and let the other person know that there is no way in hell I am going to do this again and since he is not in a position to drop everything either given his commitments we should have just let it go but did not because I did not want to let go of the hope for some' residual good feeling' that I may lose out on if I did and for this I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when he stopped calling, instead of seeing the wisdom that he matured equal to me that this can't be working and accept that he took the step I didn't want to take, even though I believed he should have told me -even in the face that I didn't...-to feel abandoned and rejected and that he was just screwing with me so he could write some more freaking songs about me instead of talking to me and for blaming him for doing what I didn't have the courage to do using the excuse that he should have done it my way -which in fact was no way-, I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I realized he may never be calling back, to delete his face book page as friend and participate in the backchat 'he will wonder now why I deleted his contact and maybe ask his cousin and he will ask me and I will say 'because he is screwing with me' and have my little revenge to make him feel bad as I felt bad, and for accepting and allowing myself to justify why it is my right to spite someone because I made up imaginary feelings of being HURT I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to delete the Skype contact because I fear that I may have one of my crazy Anna Karenina moments and write something I regret and within this accept and allow that I am not in charge of what I do because I leave it all to my sub-normal personalities and Characters to step in and drive the show, and for accepting my weakness instead of standing up in and as self responsibility to live as the Directive principle of me, I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I accepted ad allowed myself to, when I watched the Italian documentary about the Bodies of Women, to feel sad and ashamed for what we have accepted and allowed as we believed that our worth is only in the desire we can manufacture in a man and that our education or ability to live effectively in the world amounts to nothing until we have someone wanting to fuck us, which is the result of what we accepted and allowed ourselves to believe about our value as something separate that we have to achieve, that we have to work for, that we have to collect points that ensure that our survival within the system is guaranteed, and for feeling disgusted at us as women and what we have become I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that this is one reason why I cannot let go of the Beauty construct or the desire to make up, because I fear the perception of my loss of value in my own eyes, the diminishment of myself from a sexually desirable object to nothing and for accepting and allowing myself to believe that unless I am fuckable and judged by males as such, I am worthless and unable to compete and as such to survive in this male dominated patriarchal world, and for participating in this gender delusion and power struggle, I forgive myself