Today I had a discussion with my mother over what I am supposed to do with one of my bank Accounts, it ended with 'don't come to me in 3 years time telling me you are in trouble with that Bank account because you didn't want to ask someone who knows how bank accounts abroad really work'.
That someone could not be me of course, living abroad 17 years doesn't qualify me to know what I am doing, I have to be scared of a Bank because she is and because they may take some of my belongings -of which I have nothing left but that doesn't matter either- I have to fear that they will take one of my organs, a kidney, through accrued interests until they meet the black market kidney price.
Parents exist to keep us in line, they make it their business to pass on their fears, no wonder we grow up not even considering to take on this system to change it, we have to thank our FamiLies for holding us in place.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel irritated when my mother doesn't approve of what I do, because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mother's approval is important and shows me the 'right path ' I have to walk
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek the approval of my mother for what I do
I forgive myself that accepted and allowed myself to feel fearful about the things my mother projects for me as my possible future that I will have to live unless I do as she says
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I feel irritated with my mother, instead of stopping and breathing to see why the irritation comes up within me as a point I need to correct, to instead move into my backchat and think 'shut the fuck up' as I blame her for how I experience myself instead of taking self responsibility for my experience and walk to free myself from the ties that bind me to my mother, and for blaming her for how I experience myself, I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to dismiss everything my mother says on principle because, if I don't, I fear moving into reactions that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I am not in control of
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I see that I have moved into a backchat regarding what I would like to say to put an end to how I experience myself, instead of stopping recognizing that I am accumulating an energetic experience that won't make it easier to be self honest and see clearly around my mother, look for justifications about why I am entitled to my backchat, just because this is what I have always done and I don't push myself to rewrite this relationship in all its expressions
I forgive myself that I accepted ad allowed myself to fear changing within the relationship with my mother because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the only alternative to suppressing my backchat is to speak it out loud and I fear the consequences of not controlling myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can't control myself and I have only 2 choices, suppression or speaking out loud my backchat, instead of seeing realizing and understanding I can self correct myself to stop my backchat and my participation in and as it
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel angry at my mother today because, to justify my backchat I blamed her for being the source of the fears I have about living in this system as the system, instead of taking self responsibility for my fears and walking to stop them once and for all
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that our Families are guarding the System as the System bodyguards and that they can't be blamed for having passed on what they themselves received as the system teachings and what they came to believe to be true, including 'self survival' fears, but that it is my self response-ability to stop participating in the fears that are offered to me to participate on, no matter who is offering them
When and as I See myself wanting to share something with my mother, I stop, breathe, look at all the reasons WHY I want to share a point and what kind of reply am I expecting and why am I seeking to have such interactions and once I have considered all possible outflows I make the decision if it is something to share or not, and if I see in self honesty that it will be a source of friction I stop myself from sharing because I see realize and understand that self honesty is not blabbering out loud about everything that goes on in my life, but standing as all points that interact in a moment and making a decision that is best for all, and this can include not sharing something with someone
I commit myself to walk to stand stable in and as breath beyond the need of my mother's approval or the fear of her disapproval