Day 185: My Name as a Trigger of Fear

This is a continuation to my previous Post
Don't Call My name In Vain - Link at the Bottom

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I was a child, record inside myself my name associated with Fear when a certain tone, tonality was applied to it, and for then accept and allow myself to move into automatic Fear whenever someone would use the same tone, tonality, as in stressing the 'o' in the middle of my name and for not seeing, realizing and understanding that I had accepted and allowed myself to turn my name into a Fear Trigger

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as a child, fear that my name would be called out by authority figures, having associated the fear I felt when my name was called in a certain way by authority figures and the power that I believed they held over me and that they would exercise by first calling my name out and then, once I would be in the grips of fear, administer their authoritarian behavior which left me feeling diminished and powerless because they held the power to call my name out and activate the experience of fear within me, and within this I forgive myself for not seeing, realizing and understanding that any internal experience of myself is self created and has nothing to do with any one 'outside' of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as diminished when authority figure or adults (which were authority figure when I was a kid) would call my name out as I moved into the negative anticipations of the events to come, having associated my name being called out with emphasis on the middle 'o' as the warning of troubles to come that I would not be able to escape

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate my name to the fear of people finding out that there were 2 'o's inside of it, a sign of masculinity that could not be hidden to anyone who came like me from a gender based language and for feeling I had to make up for that lack of femininity in my name, with an extra feminine personality so as to never have my femininity doubted due to my name containing two masculine vowels

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear short hair and bald heads because there is just so much masculinity I can pull out without being defined a 'male' and that was invested into my name into a delicate balancing act that would not allow for any other 'male' behavior such as short hair or bald heads and for defining myself as a female within the required parameters of this society I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when people mentioned my name with a specific stress on the 'o' vowels, they meant that I was not feminine, that there was something faulty and wrong with me because as a female I should have had a name with feminine vowels and so every time my name was spoken with emphasis on the 'o's I would feel mocked and move into defense mode as I had to defend my femininity against my name, which by the way, every time I moved into this state of tension, thoughts about my mother and what the fuck she was thinking would come up and I would blame her for the experience of myself within my name and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my name spoken with a certain tone/intonation as a threat and for moving automatically into a defensive stance instead of seeing and realizing I had accepted and allowed myself to associate my name to specific tones/intonations that I would then take as an attack and to which I responded as an attack in retaliation for what I experienced inside myself that was just self created

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the desire that friends and family would cut my name short, to cut away the shameful part of it, so I wouldn't have to face this automatic response that I held within me, as me, as fear about my name where I perceived the 'o's were spoken as a weapon used against my femininity that would put me into a situation of distancing myself from others that insisted in speaking or writing my full name instead of one of my nicknames, with which I was comfortable in and as, and for participating in the emotion of shame in connection to my name I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the reactions connected to my name and for failing to see that all reactions I experienced in connection to my name where in fact self created and could be self corrected through a process of writing in which I decide that I cannot be defined by my name, that it is just a name for practical living purposes on this planet and nothing more/nothing less

I commit myself to, when and as my name is spoken in full, to stop and breathe, make sure I am or have not moved into fear as an automated reaction to a tone or tonality and I commit myself to bring myself back into the physical through breathing to dispel any reaction, should they occur, before I respond in any way whatsover

I commit myself to, when and as I hear my name spoken with emphasis on the 'o', to stop, breathe, realize that if a reaction comes up that makes me feel threatened for my femininity, it just means I need to further investigate this point until no reaction as fear of not being feminine comes up in relation to my name

I commit myself to, when and as I hear or see my whole name in writing, breathe, so I won't move into an automatic reaction of distancing myself and clamping up as I perceive the other being approaching me within a frame of intentional doing on purpose what I dislike, such as using my full name, instead I remind myself that it is my responsibility to clear all energetic attachments to my name so no reaction will be triggered ever again when my name is spoken or written out in full

I commit myself to welcome the speaking and writing of my full name to check if and where there are still reactions of fear or automated behavior that I can self correct so I can stand stable and not access my Name Character in self defense and retaliation

I commit myself to accept the simplicity of the point that a name is just a name, that doesn't make me less or more than anyone else, but a practical way to be able to communicate with others and operate within this physical reality.

Related articles

• Day 184: Don't Call My Name In Vain
• Day 137 Moving Through Fear
• Day 82 - Fear of Authority
• Day 188 Reactions in fear of being judged as unworthy.
• 2012 How Deep is your Low? The Bitter ends of a merry-go-round lifestyle

Day 184: Don't Call My Name In Vain

So, looking at my name and what my Name carries in terms of energetics, memories, thoughts, feelings and emotions.

When I was a kid I didn't like my name it was too long and people would end up cutting it, which I was pleased about, half of it seemes useless anyway, why so many vowels, why a name that is longer than my surname, it didn't seem right.

There were other things 'wrong' with my name that I noticed.

I am not sure that I was born this way, wih a sense of simmetry and of 'where things belong' in a space, because things don't belong just anywhere, they belong in a specific place in space, we just need to find it, put them there and never move them again, the fact that others didn't see the 'place of things' as almost marked with dotted lines seemes very strange to me, why were they not paying attention??

The same was for my name, it had 2 vowels, one next to the other

El-eo-no-ra

this was not right, every consonant should have just a vowel next to it, that would be balance in my imaginary rules of the world of sound.

2 vowels next to each other have a name, they are called diphthongs, but it's not the case of the ones in my name, as in "a gliding monosyllabic speech sound as the sounds of “ou” in “out” and of “oy” in “boy”, my 2 vowels did not 'glide into each other, you could hear them both "e+o".

When I was in primary school and the teacher explained gender, she told us that masculine words ended with 'o' in the singular and 'i' in the plural. I sat there in shock, I  had 2 masculine vowels in my name, how was THAT possible? I checked out all the other girls names: Anna, Valentina, Maria, Cinzia, Carmen..ah there, Roberta, but she had only 1 'o', she was less masculine than me, is it?

Why was I not given a feminine name, a more common name not a "Special One', I felt I did not fit my name, I was too small for this name long, full of vowels name, for the expectations this name carried, I had to literally grow into it to fit it to myself and stop feeling awkward about it

When I went home and complained and asked for explanations, my mum said I didn't understand anything, it was a regal name, a Noble name, there had been Princesses and Queen with my name. Were there?

I went and checked it out, nope, the Queen and Noble ones were called Eleanor, only one 'o' check it up dear mum, the Italian ones were less known, I discovered them later (like 5 minutes ago when I looked it up, because at my times we did not have Internet but just access to libraries and school books) so basically I created this Fear of having been given an 'unfeminine' name' which could explain why I balanced out the act for the rest of my life with a very very feminine personality.

The peple who called me by my full name were only my grandparents, on all sides, teachers, anyone in a position of authority that would read my documents and my mother when she was angry.

She would stress the middle "o" EleOnora and that intonation alone would catapult me in a self created state of anxiety in which I would immediately move into my Mind walking back the time from when I last saw her, checking for what could I have possibly done that prompted the EleOnora call hoping that if I could find the incriminating bit I could make up a story in my defence, come on, THINK THINK!!

So, within me my name exists in 2 versions, the full version, linked to Authority and Authoritarian moments in my life and as soon as it is spoken that way I move into defence mode and then the short version, Ele, Ellie, Ely, whatever, just take the freaking scary Os out of it, so I can relax and breathe.

In next blog I will walk the self forgiveness and self corrective Script to release all the energetic ties that link me to it into automatic reaction Mode to my Birth name.

Related articles

• Stupidity Loop - Jumping from the Bad to the Good to the Bad - Day 196
• Day 196: After Death Communication - Part 45
• 197: After Death Communication - Part 46
• 198: After Death Communication - Part 47

Day 183: When I Stop Fearing Me, I Can Stop Fearing You

This is a Follow up to My Previous Blogs on the Character "I don't need Anybody":

The Solitude of Prime Numbers
I don't Need Anybody
Don't You Dare Hitting Me
I Hate you Mommy Dearest

One Day I'll Fly Away


Physical Reactions

• Stomach tightening
• Chest tightening
• Feeling constricted in breath
• Heat in my face and ears

Consequences

• Emotional build up
• Toxic relationship build up that as it became heavier I no longer knew how to address
• Overactive Mind activity
• No trust in others as I didn't trust myself for my extensive back chat against my mother even though on the outside I 'looked normal'
• Not wanting to get close to anyone for real because if my mother had a desire to hurt and harm me, what about strangers, how could I ever trust anybody for real?
• Fear of relationships and commitments

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself through accessing my 'I don't Need Anybody' Character to go into physical reactions such as stomach and chest tightening, accepting and allowing my breath to become constricted, perceiving the heat rushing up to my face and ears in rage as this Character is born out of Spitefulness and the desire to Harm and for entertaining this Character to the point of Physical discomfort of myself and others Equal and One, I forgive myself


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, through pride and the desire to be superior, in fear of being weak and inferior, embody this 'I don't Need Anybody' Character', careless of the Consequences I would have to walk by my own statement that 'I don't Need Anybody' when in fact I was a wreck always needing somebody to prove my worth and my reason and purpose for my existence and for giving up on myself as myself in favour of a Character out of Fear and the desire to retaliate, I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as I embodied the 'I don't need anybody Character' move into my backchat, feeling authorized by my 'not needing anybody' to build up reasons why I was right and someone else was wrong so I could sustain the point that 'I did not need to need them' as they were wrong-er than me, faulti-er than me, and through this build up of toxic backchat put myself in a position where the possibility to express myself and go back onto my steps to self correct, diminished exponentially, as I wanted because I did not want to have to look at an event, see how I had abused and take it back but wished to blame it on someone else instead, and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create Consequences for myself  and others to walk as a result of creating, embodying and then believing to be the 'I don't need anybody' Character and for subjecting myself to toxic build up due to my own participation in thoughts, emotions and feelings within the secret of my Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as I looked for justifications and excuses about 'Why I REALLY didn't need anybody' create an over active Mind, in search for reasons, faults, mistakes that I could store away for that moment when I would step into this Character and I would be searching for the toxic/dirt file on somebody so I could, apparently, rid myself of them from my mind, never seeing how unsuccessful this all movement was and insisting throughout my life, upping the toxic upload, storing poison that I hoped would one day kill them so I would not have to face the regret for the things I did wrong that I did not know how to correct

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my own backchat, believing THAT THING could not be me, believing it was just a defence mechanism I was entitled to because I was sure everyone else was doing the same, I KNEW my family was as I had gotten slammed with the toxic/dirt files they held against me, and even though I experienced the constant crippling fear of an existence under scrutiny wondering what did I say or do during a day that had been filed up into the secret mind and toxic/dirt archives of my family for future uses, I did the same to others, believing that this game was just about WHO could store more toxic information to win the final battle, not realizing that as I wished to win the final toxic battle I had to accept and allow myself to become the most toxic of them all, and for this I forgive myself


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to come to a point of such distrust of myself due to my toxic files that I could no longer trust anybody 'out there', while in fact I simply did not trust myself in here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my mother as I perceived her first blow up as a personal attack that mined my safety and since then associating every blow up of anyone to myself personally and to FEAR, moving into adrenaline discharges so wild that I would physically shake as I attacked back, perceiving the damage I was doing to my physical body and yet unwilling to stop because really 'I didn't need anybody' after all and I had to get even! Even at the cost of my physical body being harmed in the process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, since I did not trust myself and the inner workings of myself as the Mind, be suspicious of each and every relationship, always wondering what THEY were hiding from me, when in fact it was me hiding from myself stuff that I feared I had stored somewhere and then hid so I would not have to feel the shame of all the skeletons in the closets I filed in perceived 'self defense' turning myself into a cemetery of memories, an archive of horrors from which I feared I would never be able to escape.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create Isolation for myself as the Character that 'doesn't need anybody', fearing human interactions and ultimately what I would do as my imaginary 'Contingency Plans' whenever I had a chance, and within this i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lead a life in which I feared myself and others, One and Equal.



When and as I see myself interacting with someone with whom I have built or I am in the process to build a relationship with and see myself tempted to move into my inner aloofness which activates my inner evil archivist, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I no longer wish to live like a repository of others' 'perceived' mistakes and falls instead I bring myself back here so as to make sure that I won't be filing information in and as my 'Inner Evil Archivist' Character, but instead will be present Here in breath to grow and expand myself and another with me One and Equal through Self Honest, Secret-Agenda-Free interactions

When and as I see myself moving into fear or about to move into fear that a relationship may becoming important, I stop, Breathe, see, realize and understand that I am Equalizing myself to make All relationships of my Life Equally Important as in relationships I care for, and that there is nothing to fear such as loss of the relationship or myself, but instead an opportunity to become intimate with another in Self Honest Shared Presence

When and as I see myself fearing the loss of a relationship or of myself within a relationship, I stop, Breathe, I see realize and understand that only Characters can get lost and only Characters Fear and that if I keep myself coming back to Breathe consistently I can develop the relationship with myself that I have always been seeking and that I can never lose, no matter what

When and as I see myself trying to brush off someone or a situation through my 'I don't need anybody' Character, I realize I have activated a fear as I stepped into this Character, so I breathe through the Fear,  breathe myself out of this Character and I investigate what triggered the fear so I can address the point and brick by brick, dismantle this Character and its useless existence

I commit myself to investigate this point until I no longer wish or desire to step into this Character and to see which triggers still exist so I can address them all to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All.

Related articles

• Day 179: I Don't Need Anybody - Character
• Day 180: Don't you Dare Hitting me...
• Day 181: I Hate you Mommy Dearest
• Day 182: One Day I'll Fly Away
• Day 108: Control and Self Control Character Self forgiveness statements continued...
• Day 153: I'm not 'That Kind of Woman' - Character
• Day 103: Expectation Character Self Forgiveness Statements

Day 182: One Day I'll Fly Away

This is a Follow up to My Previous Blogs on the Character "I don't need Anybody":

The Solitude of Prime Numbers
I don't Need Anybody
Don't You Dare Hitting Me
I Hate you Mommy Dearest



Imagination Dimension

Me having Money to be able to leave
Me already grown up and living alone

Emotion and Feelings Reactions

Emotions of Anger/Rage

Overwhelming Sadness, Pain

Suppression of the sadness and rage so as to not give her 'the satisfaction' of having made me suffer like I perceived she wanted to

Fear I would not be able to suppress with 'dignity' and would expose myself as the hurt longing kid that I really was
Feelings of Relief when playing out the plot of myself 'leaving'
Feelings of Joy connected to the Imagination Dimension of 'living alone'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine myself having Money and being Able to leave, connecting Money to what I believed Freedom was and the Freedom I perceived I lack to do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define being Free as having Money, because as I accepted and allowed such definition in and as me, when I have no Money I perceive myself as Not Free and for tying myself down and constricting myself in and as an idea I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself through Imagination to design an alternate reality in which I was already grown up and out of my mother's claws and within this Imagined Reality I had the Life I wanted which at the time was simply 'away from my mother'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my Imagination as a form of Spite, during which I would create Imaginary circumstances that I used to hold against my mother with thoughts such as 'You'll see, You'll miss me one day', not seeing realizing and understanding I was creating a Character of Spite that would always enact the same script when I would feel challenged or when I would take something someone said about me personally and then, unable to live with what I believed to be the reflection of me for real and not a projection of who made up ideas and beliefs about me and then voiced them as 'You are', and for my believing that I either was that or that I myself feared to be that, perceiving my space now contaminated by those words that had been spoken about me and desired to leave, erase my steps and leave everything behind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel rage and sadness when I feared that I was not wanted, not appreciated and in fear of showing this rage and sadness in a moment when my "stock" was already at its lowest, to suppress myself and decide that I would never show this as further ammunition to be shot with, I would suppress, failing to see I was the one making up judgements about myself as unwanted and unappreciated through taking things people spoke about me personally, seeking what was 'the real meaning' behind the words they used, since I got it early, that words never meant what they appeared to mean, and in this seeking, I would look for the negative slant, as this was a family heirloom we passed on to each other, seeking the Achilles heel in any speech, building up ammo for when the wars will break out without notice, staying alert, awake, and through the perception that my mother shot me in the heart several times already, blaming the hurt I felt on her, I resolved to never trust anybody


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never trust anybody because I did not trust myself and what I was willing to do to not lose out, to come out on top so I wouldn't have to experience myself 'negatively' but have someone else the loser of the verbal wars and have to experience themselves negatively while I could experience myself positively as in 'I am/was right'


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own expression of sadness and rage, judging myself as unlikeable, trying to align to what was the likable side everyone seemed to be after, the monkey jumping number I was required to do every day that would ensure my survival within the system and everyone around me to be just happy with the circumstances and with me


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a picture of myself on a bus with my stepgrandma, in which I saw myself deliberately use the 'baby talk' because that's about when she stopped liking children, when they spoke normally, like adults, and since I noticed how she preferred children who were still children in their talk -to me- while my mother taught me to speak proper Italian as a child and not gluglu for water, I instead decided that her approval and acceptance of me was more important than me being me and not resulting into diminishing myself into the garbled idiotic language we teach to children to amuse ourselves, and in that moment I felt sorrow, for myself, for my unauthenticity failing to realize that the more I complied to what I perceived were the system, relatives requirements 'to like me' the further I moved away from myself and my own self acceptance and self expression until I believed that the acceptance of others was more important than the unconditional acceptance of me, Here in every moment of Breath, and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself in fear of exposing myself as a hurt kid, fearing that if anyone understood exactly how to hurt me, they would do so deliberately, as this was a family pattern in which we sought WHAT would really annoy someone and then go for it and so the trick was to not let ANYONE know what bothered me or what really hurt me, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I could be hurt just because I believed I read the intention to hurt and harm into the words of people around me, when in fact what I read was my own desire to hurt and harm others through words spoken aloud or in my secret mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word dignity to suppression, meaning that I could only access my own dignity if no one EVER knew what was going on inside of me, which was less than dignified, such as thoughts, emotions and feelings and as such, move into suppression seeking dignity for myself instead of stopping my participation in and as the Mind which was in fact the Undignified part of my existence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I would find relief from myself and from how I experienced myself once I moved away from home and my mother's claws, based on my imagination of that moment in which I would be alone and as such not stimulated into reactions of any sort and as such FINE, instead of questioning why I had reactions within me that I blamed on others just because they blamed their reactions on me and within that failing to see that I would take me and my own reactions and triggers wherever I went in the world and that Imagination never delivered and as such I should have defined it as non trustworthy nor real and stopped my participation in it as a source of distraction from what was going on within me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the joy of being free through my Imagination, away from home and my mother, having connected the word freedom to not being prompted into Characters to please or to hide or to suppress, blaming the experience of myself on others as I lacked the tools to see that it was me doing what I ended up experiencing and that the freedom I sought was the freedom from the Mind, the cage I perceived myself living in that I could not understand how it came about and how to manage until I started using the Desteni Tools.


I commit myself to stop using my Imagination to distract myself from an experience of myself, because it is in moments of discomfort that I can see a point of polarity coming up that is causing friction inside of me and release myself from it for good through writing, Sf and SC

I commit myself to remind myself that even though I have accepted and allowed myself to become what I have become through engaging in the Mind and believing the Mind to be me as who I really am, that this is not all I am and that I can move out of my own accepted and allowed definitions of myself as thoughts, emotions and feelings and walk myself to stability as I can redesign myself in every moment of Breath through a process of accumulation, to realign to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All, One Breath at the time.

Related articles

• Day 149: You hurt my feelings character
• Day 91: Always Expect the Worst, Like that you won't get Disappointed
• Day 178: The Solitude of Prime Numbers
• Day 179: I Don't Need Anybody - Character
• Day 180: Don't you Dare Hitting me...
• Day 181: I Hate you Mommy Dearest
• Day 105: Human Liberties

Day 181: I Hate you Mommy Dearest

This is a Follow up to my Previous Posts
links at the bottom

The Solitude of Prime Numbers
I Don't Need Anybody
Don't you Dare Hitting Me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take what my mother said to me in moments of anger personally and to believe that if she said those things to me about me, than THAT must be who I was, instead of seeing and realizing she was just venting her bottled up energy on me because I was the only one around with whom she felt 'comfortable' 'letting it all out'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when those moments of anger and frustration built up with my mother, believe that she did not love me such as the mothers from fairy tales books who seemed all so loving and nice and not bitchy and wild like my mother was, failing to see that the fairy tales mothers are just that, fairy tales, designed to make us feel victimized and 'not good enough' while the truth of this world is that most mothers are maladjusted as they juggle many roles with no clue about raising children and how they are in fact impacting their lives

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, after the blow up episodes with my mother, retreat into my mind, thinking up ALL the ways she should have/could have behaved if she DID love me, confirming to myself that I was not in fact loved and using this information to build up Spitefulness in and as me, together with a Character that has Imaginary lists of "Requirements' to be fulfilled as a proof of rock solid Love, according to fairy tales and storytelling

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to as a result of my beliefs that there is 'a right way to love' set Con-ditions to my relationships that had to be fulfilled, because I could not do anything for the 'non loving' attitude of my mother, which was my own definition of her as unfulfilling the 'imaginary requirements' I had set for a 'Loving Mother', but I could for sure set conditions to my relationships and every time they would not be fulfilled I would just walk away, because by then, I could

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to backchat myself about the point that my mum did not care about me because I deliberately defined 'caring' as in 'doing something for me' to fulfill ideas and opinions I had already built up about mothers who had to 'sacrifice' for their children and since she wasn't doing enough sacrificing for me to prove her worthy motherhood, I felt entitled to my belief that she was not caring about me so I would build up credits to cash in later by making her feel bad about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, within my secret mind, entertain the thought that 'as soon as I could I would leave', because this secret though became a foundation of my personality and how I lived out my relationships, always with a foot in and a foot out, collecting credits until I felt entitled to start my 'I'm leaving' plots first inside of myself and then speak them out loud, leaving the other person in the relationship always insecure, forcing them to then do the things I wanted them to do or say the things I wanted to hear to confirm my value as a Character, a value from which I separated myself seeking for value and Worth outside instead of standing and living as Self Value and self Worth as mySelf, and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to buy into the crap that I had to do things, attain landmarks, make something of me, failing to see that in the making I separated myself from me as who I am, wanting to be something else, desiring to be more, accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was Not Good enough, and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, within my secret mind, define my mother as Evil and Cruel, projecting on her my own Self Judgement of myself as Evil and Cruel because I did not seem to have the filters everyone had about themselves and the workings of my devious Mind were quite blatant and easily visible and since I could not deal or handle, or that was what I believed at the time, the Evil workings of my secret Mind, I projected my own self judgement of myself on others, making them the bad ones and myself, at worse, the retaliat-or, a retaliation to which I told myself I was entitled because 'I was NOT the one who started this"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hatred, become hatred as I built up my reasons why my hatred was in fact justified, instead of seeing and realizing I lived my own Self Hatred as Who I am and then looked for reasons and people I could discharge it on so I wouldn't have to look at how and why I was experiencing myself in and as self hatred, because that would have been the admission that there was in fact something wrong and faulty with me as The Mind but I suppressed it because I did not have the tools to deal with such experience of myself and for believing I was the Hatred I felt and for projecting it on others I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the reason why I believed I hated my mum was because, due to taking things she said and did personally, I experienced self hatred as my own unworthiness and uselessness and I experienced myself as 'not being enough/not good enough' to bring balance to this family and my mum, not being a good enough reason for joy or the gratefulness that books about mothers said that mothers experienced in the presence of their children

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live One and Equal to this experience of self hatred that I harbored inside of myself as myself and for abusing myself with emotions and feelings, living on a swing from which I did not know how to get off, wishing for a 'happy life' while I lived a miserable one, preparing the road for myself to seek solutions for this perceived encagement onto a swing that ended up in later on abusing myself with mind altering substances, seeking the relief from my own self created experience as I did not know how to support myself effectively

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, within the starting point of Fear that I was useless in bringing on the 'hahpy Family' of 'Happy days' and I was in fact a burden, to think within my secret mind that I did not need my mum or anyone for that matter, as I feared rejection and the moment in which I would be told 'you are useless, look, you did not help at all to turn this into a happy/Happy days family, go away, go to the boarding house, we return you to the sender' and as such I would build this armour affirming that it was ME not needing HER and then THEM later on, which was not an affirmation of stability as in 'I am enough to myself' but based in fear and terror that they would get rid of me and unless I was prepared I would just break in pieces and would never be able to put myself back together again

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build up Spitefulness as me, as a result of my own self inflicted suffering that I blamed on others, desiring to inflict the same suffering I experienced, hoping that removing myself from a relationship would cause the same fear and suffering that I experienced in and as myself, justifying my spitefulness as 'natural' because it was natural and human nature to desire to retort and retaliate, as I saw my family do to each other and the justifications we lived in and as such as 'she did this because he/she did that', meaning that it was OK and perfectly normal to 'get back at someone' instead of seeing that this was our sick nature we accepted and allowed and turned into 'the way things are, the normality of our insanity', failing to see that whatever we do we do to ourselves, both the experience we create and the retaliation, which in fact qualifies us for doubly insane, and yet within all the signs of our insanity I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ' this is the way things are' and within the way things are, seek for my place in the world using whatever I learnt to position myself, no matter how damaging or the price I or others would have to pay for it, and for this I forgive myself 

to be continued...

Related articles

• Day 178: The Solitude of Prime Numbers
• Day 179: I Don't Need Anybody - Character
• Day 180: Don't you Dare Hitting me...
• Day 165: On the take
• Day 135: Is self-intimacy beautiful?
• Day 112: Delving Into Acceptance Issues
• Day 164: After Death Communication - Part 13

Day 180: Don't you Dare Hitting me...

This Blog is a Follow up to: The Solitude of Prime Numbers & I Don't Need Anybody - Character
links at the bottom of the page

OK, so just starting with this structure of Characters deconstruction and my buddy and a friend reminded me that Thoughts are in fact images, which when I looked again it did bring up an image of my mother hitting me which made me fear that she did not want me anymore, which made me want to not want her anymore and extend this rejection in fear of being rejected to everyone else, which in fact created a suppressed denied desire for relationships, what a fuck up.

So today looking at the though dimension as a picture I have imprinted myself with and which I have layered into one picture seemingly even though it's not the first one because we were already living in our second apartment but it's the representation of those moments of utter fear I felt when I had the perception of being too small to do anything to protect myself and that I lacked both resources and knowledge to walk away, considering I did not even know where to go or how to survive.

Thought dimension:

Picture (could be a composite)

My mother screaming at me and her face going evil, her hands trembling, her eyes changed while she raised her right hand to hit me, me covering my face while she hit me where I did not protect myself with my hands and the contact of her hand with my face, the physical pain and the physical shame (don't know how to express this because I don't remember this as an emotion but as a physical being ashamed for her to hit me that way)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imprint myself with the picture of myself sitting on a chair while my mother shouted to not respond, to just shut my big mouth or there would be consequences, but because I could not shut up my mouth without feeling defeated and diminished I had to speak up for myself becoming the trigger that would unleash my mother bottled up anger and turn it physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the experience of humiliation without realizing it was a self created experience but instead allowing myself to feel defeated and diminished and disempowered as a consequence of my own self created experience, for which I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to this picture of myself as disempowered, not knowing what to do, having to sit and wait for this woman to just walk toward me and hurt me, fearing the physical impact and what I would experience if she did hit me, having the memory of the palpitation of the negative expectation of troubles to come, that could not be avoided because I did not consider the moment and how much my mother was under stress, instead I saw that moment as her condemnation, as the moment in which IF she did hit me, I don't know what I wold have done, I would no longer hold myself back (HAHA) and for fearing in fact the emotional experience I would have to go through, as hatred and desire to retaliate that I had experienced before when she hit me or abruptly touched me physically in a way that I defined and then felt trespassing and abusive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to this picture of the moment in which her hand landed on my face, feeling her fingers even when she had already lifted her hand from my face, feeling utterly humiliated that she would even dare do such a thing, wanted to say 'how do you dare' but not having the vocabulary to put my feelings into words to express my endless indignation and for believing that now that she DID hit me I was entitled to hate her and desire to retaliate, because she brought this on herself, not realizing that we all lived out on friction in this reality, and as I stood as the point of friction, so did she, as the lives of those that have nothing to look forward to seem to become 'lively' and meaningful only in such outburst of energies, which it doesn't matter if they give rise to good feelings or negative emotions, as long as we get to experience that moment of aliveness that seems missing from our lives at all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imprint myself with the moment in which I was physically hit, and then dragged myself through the experience of humiliation for having caused such moment to even take place and then since I could not stand both the abuse and the responsibility for it, I blamed my mum for being the cause of my misery, wanting to hold on to such a moment as proof of my future entitlements as the pay back of her fuck ups, never giving up on my perceived credits because I had the PROOF within me that she did in fact fuck up when she hit me and she shouldn't think she would be left off the hook so easily because now I got her and as I held on to this retaliatory excuse I bound myself to that moment which caused me to create experiences of further cycles of abuse and entitlement as I kept playing out the same loops until now

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when I felt fear for what was coming, imprint myself with the image of my mothers movement, her eyes darkening, how she threateningly moved toward me, so I could be sure that I could always read the signs of something negative to come from anyone as I stored away the images of 'how it is done' what comes before a blow, and within this image stored in fear allowing myself to fear my mother whenever one of these signs would come up, such as trembling hands, which then led to extensive situations of tension as I lived in anticipation of being harmed, until she would, out of the desperation of perceiving me on the defensive for no apparent reason, locking her out of any possible communication as I waited for the blow - even when later in life it was unreasonable to expect such a blow up  I would still live out my automated robotic reactions - live out her frustration as I confirmed that 'you see, this is what you do' instead of seeing myself as the cause unnecessary un-required friction for which I did not take self responsibility to change myself from the cause to the solution

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not support my mum as an Equal, by letting go of the Past, because in my Self Interest it was a credit I  could always cash in on, no matter how long a time I kept this woman jailed to her past, jailing myself one and equal, standing in the way of my ability to respond as self responsibility and preventing myself to grow and expand into everything I could have been and become, so that I could make a point, again and again, of how wrong she was when I was so very right

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, due to this image and the fear and humiliation associated to it, build up such a point of resistance to my mum that for years I felt physically repulsed by the vicinity of my mother, a point for which I felt ashamed, trying to look for faults to blame in her to justify this repulsion, such as that she was sloppy and did not take good care of herself, lining up with my grandmother and using her reasons to justify what was in fact my own behavior for which I was not willing to take responsibility and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reject my mum in fear of being rejected as this was one of the point of this moment that I defined as a possibility as I took this moment personally, as if there was something wrong and faulty with me and she may decide to return me or that she may just have secretly hoped to have another kid and not me, which in this point of my imaginary self created rejection would lead me to backchat and creating a Character that rejects All, such as the "I don't need anybody' Character, condemning myself to solitude for years in fear of rejection, and for this I forgive myself.

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