Yesterday I have seen my English student again, in less than 2 months she forgot almost everything we did together for the exam, plus she refused to take on some homework to build her vocabulary because 'that is not what the new English teacher asks her to do and grades her for', I have tried the common sense approach of explaining that a language is for communication and the vocabulary is a fundamental part of it, failed, she stuck to the grades point, asked her to put in 20 minutes a day extra curricula to keep her English up, she said no because she had too much to do, asked her to fill in 'at least' the part of the present continuous her teacher is explaining now, she said no because those homework were not given to her in class and she will not be graded for them.
At the height of my exasperation I told her ' I will tell your mum', way to go Ele, I justified 'scaring her' for her own good, because 'how can she not see they are fucking with her and in a country like Italy where soon everyone will have to migrate again she better get her English skills together, so I projected on her my own fears of the future that is waiting for all of us.
This was the result of a mounting irritation that took place during lesson yesterday, she could not focus and she made 2 jokes to which I reacted, one was about 'don't go to the park because is full of junkies' , the second was 'I am sorry for the little China Children but I will never give up my Nike shoes', basically I was one inch from desiring to slap her.
I tried to engage her on the 'poor children of China' conversation but we got to the point when she said, "Nike has cleaned up its act since they were caught abusing Child labor, so now it's all 'fine' again", that was not the point I tried to make but I wasn't even clear on the point I was trying to make myself so I let that go as I perceived the internal reaction and I knew I would have said something useless and sstupid just to make My Point.
SO what are the common sense words to speak to a kid to help them through this world, to explain that we, the Adults, are sorry for TheGrading them, that we wish we didn't build or accepted and allowed such a system in which children are deGraded and marked and then sold ideas that Life is about a pair of Nike shoes no matter at what cost they come to the market, that we are not separate, that we are One Life, and that saying 'fuck you' is basically 'fuck me', even if it doesn't seem so.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with irritation when my student said she won't do extra homework from the ones assigned, because she cannot see a value in education, instead of realizing I was irritated with myself because at her age I was all about grades and I couldn't give a shit about what I was learning or the fact that it would impact my ability to become effective in the system
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not sort out my reaction through breathing but for tightening up in the 'teacher role' and 'how come you don't get it, you silly fuckup' because I felt self righteous as I saw myself 'knowing better' and 'what do you understand about the world, you sheep'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose myself into a backchat about my student instead of bringing myself back here in breath to take responsibility and direct that moment in common sense
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to 'schooling stories' and the 'horrors of the schooling system' because I wish to blame the schooling system for what I did not learn at school, such as geography, that led me to think I am geography Dumb because I cannot remember where countries are located on the map, in some cases not even after I visited them or lived there for a while
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that as I moved into the Teacher Role she moved into the Dumb Student Role and then reacted thinking I was the cause of her reaction as I believed my teachers were the cause of my reactions when I was her age
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am stupid for not fairing equally well in all subjects I was taught and for then when faced with a student, pass on my perception that unless you study what the teacher tells you and how the teacher tells you, you are stupid because you don't get that one day in your life you will need this skill such as speaking English, which was what my teachers told me/hinted to me when I did not study what I was not interested into
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not direct the point that arose yesterday when my student reacted to the idea of extra homework, because I was myself reacting to what I myself have done, as having moved into the 'Teacher Role' and having difficulties getting off that pedestal and then wishing to put her down, because as my authority was not recognized I felt diminished and then moved to diminish her, and isn't this what the wonderful world of teaching is all about? Teaching how we can abuse each other in our pursuit of power and value, and for this, I forgive myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose deliberately words that would highlight her lack in the subject of English instead of encouraging her to do better by breathing and putting myself in her shoes, having a truckload of mainly useless homework to do and feeling crushed by the uselessness of the system she lives in and as
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when faced with the schooling system, desire to wreck havoc, go to the school and point out that what they are doing to the kids is WRONG, instead of seeing I seek my own self righteousness of the awakened one vs the sleeping sheep which is NOT going to bring a change to this world, because only an overall system change will change the fuckup we have become, from education to everything else
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that Education is one of the fields in which we can see the trickle down effect at his best, where our own fuck ups of being TheGraded at School resulted in now wanting to DeGrade the new children, so they get some of what we have got, justifying the value of an education that is designed to assess the worthiness of the next slave and how to fit them proficiently into their role as cogs of the machine
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent having been graded at school, based on the moods of a teacher and on her preferences for some vs others, when in fact yesterday I was the teacher grading a student based on my mood while I was reacting and trying to just suppress my reaction because 'I don't want to be THAT kind of teacher'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished in my teacher Authority because, since I am not the one DeGrading her officially and since we no longer have the FEAR of the exam as a Motivator, I felt powerless to enforce something that would have 'been good for her' and having failed at imposing my common sense I moved into looking for another FEAR that could motivate her to do what is best for her, such as 'I will tell your mother', which of course created the opposite effect of moving her into solid resistance
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel powerless in the face of the fact that unless a kid is motivated by FEAR or REWARD there is NO WAY they will be interested to find in themselves the will to do what is best for them, which is what I do most of my time, seek for a motivation to move that can range from Money to Fear but is not yet self directed
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the threat of FEAR on a kid that is already struggling with the FEAR of being DeGraded and cannot hear anymore what is best for her as in becoming an effective student and NOT giving in to the belief in Grades
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate and support a world in which kids are TheGraded so we can pass on to them our own limitations as the degraded ones, upgrading the system to now include debts and credits, showing them that life is a big banking system and their education just a trade tool on the market of flesh they will soon join to make a living
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that when we tell children about the shit world ahead and how they have to accumulate tools to compete and show them how much they need to fear everything out there in case they won't be able to make a living, we are pushing them further into this shithole that we created and endorse everyday until we stand for a system change for ALL
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'what a little fuckup' when she spoke about 'who cares about the little Children in China' instead of seeing Children are the product of this world and they don't give a shit because we don' give a shit about how goods are brought onto the market as long as 'I' have access to them to be able to present myself as the 'Image' of someone that fits some sort of 'Personality' failing to see, personalities are sold and bought, and there is nothing original in buying the most original shoes, because they have been originally designed for people who feel cloned and seek to 'become originals' like kids, which can't make sense of this world and seek outside of themselves'Who they Are' while we Prey for them to lure them into the traps of Consumerism because we need Young Blood to keep all of this going and we'll make sure we'll get them as young as we can
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel defeated by this system as in desiring to think and say 'nothing can change' instead of taking responsibility for my own Change so that I can prove to myself, The system Can Change, because I can Change.
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