Day 120: I am Awake - Not A Wake

When and as I see myself desiring to take a nap, to oversleep, to just close my eyes and not be Here, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that I can only be Awake or A Wake, waiting for My Death as The Solution instead of seeing and realizing that I am The Solution when I am Awake and Not A Wake

I commit myself to not give in to the desire to sleep when I am not in fact physically tired as I change my routine to sleep my 6 hours every night and stop indulging in sleep as a reward that only keeps me looping into the Mind as the "Wake me up when it's All Over Character”

When and as I see myself trying to stay in my zombie sleepy state going to the toilet so I can return to bed telling myself I was half asleep, I stop, Breathe, tell myself that if I am half asleep I must be half awake as well and stand as the directive principle to get going without indulging in sleep that I do not need

I commit myself to sleep six hours per night and then get up and get moving as the directive principle of me and not as a Mind System that has to wait to move until the Mind says go, I commit myself to not be dependent on my mind when sleep is involved but to check if I am physically tired or if I am just looking for a Mind Break to not be Here and face a point, a moment that needs my attention so I can see who I am within that moment and how I wrote myself to be that 'Who I am' within that moment to Self Correct to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All.

When and as I see myself coming up with excuses about why I 'deserve ' to rest, as if rest was not a physical moment of rest but something I have earned after doing something else that I myself judged as cumbersome, I stop, Breathe, look at what I have defined as cumbersome so I can remove that judgement through Self Forgiveness as I realize it is me defining everything in my life within polarities and I see it as an opportunity to find a point of judgment and definition to release myself from it

I commit myself to stop the judgments and definitions of my activities and the division in easy and cumbersome, fun and boring, exciting and a drag, as those definitions invite/push me within the 'Wake Me up when It's All Over' Character as I desire to reward myself for something I myself judged as cumbersome, boring, a drag, or whatever other negative charged definition I have placed on a task that I then desire to balance out with the positively charged 'napping time', and within this I forgive myself for charging the ‘napping time’ positively and remove that charge for good as I define napping time as NT necessary, not positive or negative, unless required by my body.

When and as I see myself coming up with excuses and justifications about why a nap is actually due, I stop, Breathe, see that it's another of one of my clever mindfuck with which I hope to find the right excuse to drift away, to not be Here and so stopping dreading to Be Here as the polarity of the ex positively charged napping time is rewarded and within this I forgive myself for having labeled, defined, thought of, spoken of, being Here as being Aware as something I do not like to do from which I found thousands of escaping routes, just because being Here was not providing the Energetic fix I have grown accustomed to and defined Life, instead I see and realize that I am just getting used to myself as Self expression that is not motivated or pushed around by Energy and that there is nothing More of Me and Nothing More of Here to look for, because Me Here in and as Breath is All There IS.

I commit myself to embrace myself and my self expression as being Here in and as Breath outside of Energetic movements and push overs so I can come to know myself and who I am as Self Expression as Life, for What is Best for All for myself and All of Existence, Equal and One 

Related articles

• Have You Been Super Sleepy?
• Day 113: Where were You in This Life?
• Day 118: Wake Me Up When it's All Over - Character
• Day 119: Wake Up, Wake Up, Wake Up
• Day 102: Wake Up Dear Souls

Day 119: Wake Up, Wake Up, Wake Up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear falling asleep as a Child.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dread the moment in which I would close my eyes and experience the freefalling into darkness and nothingness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that sleeping in the afternoon is what 'normal people' do to take a rest, instead of seeing and realizing there was an anomaly within the Sleeping World if we wanted to switch off and Not be Here at all times

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was not normal because I did not want to sleep in the afternoons as it seemed like wasted time but I compared myself to all other kids who did and accepted and allowed myself to believe my teachers and caretakers without seeing and realizing that just like me when I took care of kids later in life, they wanted time for themselves and to just shut the kids off

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to shut the kids off when I later took care of them as I saw it as my right to do to them what was done to me ‘because I knew better, because I was older’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry as I lied down on the mattresses bottling up feeling of powerlessness for having to switch myself off on command

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel wrong and disturbed for feeling angry and powerless in the face of adults who told me what was best for my body instead of realizing my body knew best than the adults who didn't even know what was best for them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that others know what is best for me as my physical body, including doctors, when in fact I am the one that knows best as I am the one who lives with and as my physical body

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imprint my body with Characters that now speak like my body expressing needs and desires that are Not of my body but of my Mind, and that it will take some time before I can trust my body again to not speak on behalf of my Characters but I will get there walking backward and deleting the information I published into my body that my body has now automated into behaviors, wants and needs

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that until my body s no longer contaminated by what I posted into it as the Mind, I will have to rely on my common sense to check out what is supportive and what would be best for my body and that learning to step in as the self directive principle is of paramount importance as my body at the moment is not automated for self support and what is best for all, but for self abuse and self interest, and it will take consistent breathing to return myself in and as the Physical to a point of Mutual Effective Trust

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that adults knew best, as this sickness that is age related as experience I have then passed it on to the younger ones when I was finally older and cold tell them that " I know best what it’s good for you – better than you- because I am older and have more ‘experience’ which just meant already indoctrinated and perceptually damaged' perpetuating the disempowerment and separation of ourselves from and as the physical onto the new generations and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall in love with pot as I believed that it was the solution to my dislike and resistence of the falling asleep moment as pot transitioned me from awake to asleep seamlessly through passing out and shutting down the noise in my Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to love that moment in which I could feel I was about to pass out, accepting and allowing myself to create a relationship with that one moment/that one feeling of forced shut down while I made myself powerless to enable myself to shut myself down as The Mind just through my own Self Directive principle of Not participating in and as The Mind and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am powerless when it comes to shutting myself down as the Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to shut down as a way to Not be Here facing how I was experiencing myself as Fear and judgments of myself as someone who had fucked up beyond redemption and for believing that shutting down, passing out was a blessing instead of seeing and realizing the B-Lessing of myself in every moment in which I did not want to be Here in unconditional Self Support to walk myself out of the Mind as the parasite that stands between me and Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a Character that seeks those shutting down moments of oblivion that I then manifest through desires, such the desire to sleep, or drink a glass of wine -to make myself sleepy- or anything that will bring me back to that one moment that I filed as 'Bliss' when I smoked Pot for the first times and I saw I could drift away from reality without any effort, I would just have to give up me as Life and that would be it and within this I forgive myself for giving up my Life to the desire to Not have to Take responsibility for myself and All of Existence Equal and One

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in extensive self judgments that turned into anxiety and depression that I ended up believing was to be The Experience of me, to which I had to subject myself as I saw no choice, no way out, instead of seeing and realizing I was just lacking the tools to support myself but when I found them I started to walk my self correction and so within this I commit myself to stop the self judgments of me as they are based on memories of Characters and not on myself living and Breathing Here, walking to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is best for All


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel powerless in the face of the world and the 'life' we are sold and then have to buy, and for believing I was weird as I could not find a place for myself where I felt honest and real as I switched from Character to Character, no longer knowing who I was, who I am as I gave up my power to Thoughts and their Emotions and Feelings as Energy as Having Value over Life itself, instead of seeing and realizing the value of Life Here in and as every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize that this Character will not go away by itself as it is embedded in me as me through my own acceptances and allowances but I have to deliberately STOP myself from giving in, no matter what justifications are offered about WHY it would be great/cool/appropriate to just go and take a nap, when I can see it is My Mind that seeks the shut down and not My Body and so I'm looping, doing to myself what they did to me as a child, shutting myself down so I as the Mind can take a break to recharge and kick in stronger each time I give in and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself within looping the abuse of the adults of me as a Child regarding sleep as shutting down

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support a world in which we have turned functions of support for the body such as sleep, into tools to just not be Here, justifying with each other WHY it is good to sleep, take sleeping pills, drink, smoke pot, just anything that will allow the switching off into oblivion so we won't have to face this world and what is has become as the manifested consequences of our Fear and Separation, instead of stopping and asking ourselves WHY have we turned everything upside down, why can't we sleep anymore but have to knock ourselves down, WHY we don't register any of the anomalies of this existence in Utter Fear that we will have to stand up and do something about it, because this is NOT the World anyone should come to and it is required for all of us to WAKE UP and stand as the correction and the Change that we wish to see in the world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use sleep as a reward, accepting and allowing myself to believe that for me to move a reward is required, and since I have turned sleep into a moment of perceived Lack of responsibility, in which once I drift off I can leave this world to those that are awake, then I use it to Re-Ward myself and justify why it makes sense that after 'this and that' I should take my turn to leave the helm and Not be responsible, because hei, I was sleeping, as I fear that any other moment in which I am not in fact asleep there is responsibilities to be taken, things to do that have to be done from which I become exempted the moment I sleep, instead of realizing that my sleep/dreams are becoming worse than my waking time as I get to experience the fear of existence without my ability to stand up and direct the point and so I see and realize that sleep won't be restful until I use it as an escapism and therefore I have to disengage sleep from an idea of escape so I can return myself to be awake when I am awake and rest when I am asleep as a support for my physical body and NOT as a treat to the Mind.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Life sucks and then finally, hopefully we Die, seeing the good bit of Life in Death, promoting the philosophical Gnostic bullshit that We Pay for Death with Life, accepting and believing that Life is in fact this shithole of experiences that The Mind offers, on a swing to nothingness from happy to sad, from brave to fearful, from loving to hateful, lost within a Character Play that makes no sense and yet instead of questioning reality we seek Escapes such as Sleeping or the Ultimate One, Death, without seeing realizing and understanding that We Have Been Here before, again and again, accepting beliefs of Imaginary Lessons and Grades to Achieve, instead of stopping and wondering, hei, how comes I have lived this before, same story, same pattern, am I looping, how, Why, Who am I, How can I stop? Seeing and realizing that death is not the solution if we are back Here drained, tired, sick and finally Dead, just to start it all over again, until WE STOP

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embrace Death as the solution to Life as I died every day a little, always disappointed that I would wake up again and again, no matter what I did to blast myself out of existence, waking up in my own groundhog day just to face the same fears, judgments, emotions and feelings I did not want to participate in but I did not know how to stop, until I did, with the support of Desteni, seeing how it is that all Loops and Loopholes are My Creation, how everything I have ever lived or believed to Live I have created and how only I can undo it, my creation, my Child, correct it to realign it to Oneness and Equality to give up Death for Life once and for All, so I can Here myself and give to myself what I sought outside of myself in separation from myself and All of Existence Equal and One.

Related articles

• Trust your Inner Voice - Part 1: DAY 117
• Multidimensional Inner-Voices - Part 1: DAY 119
• Day 113: Where were You in This Life?
• How to Get a Better Night's Sleep - How Many DO NOT Sleep/Rest Well ?
• Day 118: Wake Me Up When it's All Over - Character

Day 118: Wake Me Up When it's All Over - Character

Hypnos and Thanatos, Sleep and His Half-Brother Death, an 1874 painting by John William Waterhouse (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

I have always had an odd relationship with sleep, as a kid I really disliked sleeping, especially the moment before 'falling' asleep as that is how it felt to me, a fall, like being sucked into a twirling bottomless black hole.

I tried to explain to my family why I did not like to sleep and the falling in the black hole moment but they told me it was just my imagination and that I should close my eyes and just 'sleep'.

I remember seeking ways for safety on my bed, moving against the wall with my back, curling up in a fetal position and hanging onto the blankets, hoping that if I were to fall into the bottomless spinning black hole, I would be able to hang on to something and 'climb back' out.

Kindergarten and summer camps at the time were agony, they forced us to sleep in the afternoons, not for our own good, as they said, but for the good of the adults that planned their breaks around our unnecessary, unrequired  'sleeping time', I would be forced to comply and would lay on the floor mattresses for the afternoon waiting for the 'sleeping time ' to be over.

When I stayed at my grandparents they would sleep in the afternoon, they would ask me to lie down and sleep, as if this was what adults do, take a rest, a nap, a break within a day that nobody enjoyed but just walked through as the zombies we have become. I did, for the sake of being on their good books.

When I grew up I would postpone my sleeping time in the evening as much as I could, would find millions of things to do that had to be done before I took to the bed, which drove my mum crazy, I would not sleep more than 6 hours per night except for some nights that my mum called catch up nights in which I went into long sleeps to 'pile up sleeping hours' - this is what she said I did.

I didn't like dreaming either, I was not in control of dreaming and my dreams were weird, lucid dreaming was better, I could direct it, move things and people around in my mind and wouldn't get to feel so hopeless and powerless as when I slept. Waking up was not much better either, I didn't know if I disliked more the falling asleep or the waking up, they were both frightening and disappointing.

When I started to smoke Pot I loved that I would NOT fall asleep, I sorted of drifted into sleep, fainted into sleep, fading out of the day, the waking up still sucked, but one side was fixed, the falling asleep was better, painless, unnoticeable.

On my way to becoming used to Pot, I passed out many times, passing out was NOT nice, those were the only times when the black hole of my childhood came back to suck me in, in time I managed to master the 'what to do as I pass out' just like I did as a kid, do not resist the black hole, there is nothing to fear about it, you'll be here again as soon as dawn comes, it's a promise AND a threat.....

Many many times I have had the hidden and suppressed desire to NOT wake up anymore, I tried to cross all sorts of lines as in mixing alcohol and pot, which would make me very sick with a painful anxiety filled passing out, but of this moment what I remember best is my disappointment at waking up, yet again, sick, hangover-ed and seeing that I lived groundhog Day, day in and day out, no escape, what would it take me to never wake up again ? Could I ever NOT wake up again ?

Everybody said how dying in your sleep is the best death, funny how we promote things we have not tried personally and no one has personally related, with absolute Faith, Die in Your Sleep, it's the Best Death, the Best deal, you won't even notice, so I think this is what I tried unsuccessfully for many long years.

Even now some days I feel this pull to sleep, to close my eyes and stop all stimulus, all thoughts, worries, projections, judgements, I desire to STOP the experience of Me, and so I close my eyes and drift off and sometime when I wake up to go to pee I purposefully walk zombified to the toilet to NOT wake myself up, so I can return to the slumber as I have accepted within a Character that I still embody as Real, that there is nothing worth living for and still carry this thought as a memory and as a Character inside of me as Me and occasionally when the desire to not be Here to face myself comes up, I pull out this Character from the sleeve and step into it to just go away, for some time, maybe forever, can I please just wake up when It's All Over, Please, Pretty Please ?

Self forgiveness and Self corrective Statements to correct myself and delete this Character once and for All soon to follow

Related articles

• Day 102: Wake Up Dear Souls
• Day 94: Did You Know?
• Day 81: Justifications Character