Saturday, January 26, 2013

Day 250: Fearing Diminishment through Family Disapproval

Following on my Blog 'From MentaLot to Camelot - Humanity Schizophrenia'.

I had a few incidents lately showing me how much I still care for the approval of my family, in the specific of just my mother, not because I have overcome the other members' approval, just because they are now all dead and so no longer in a position 'to disapprove of me'.

Family Disapproval/Approval is one way in which we keep each other locked into roles, in itself telling another 'I disapprove of You' just because they are not acting out their part within the given guidelines would be hilarious if it were not a way of having everyone around basically align or re-align to one's desire for their own image/part/role playing.

In the case of parents this is mainly to show what a good parent they have been by raising the kind of child everyone would have wanted and not the kind of child for which one parent fears to get the 'pitiful look' from other parents - that look mixed with gloating for being the best parents in the secret 'parents contest', the ones who managed to subjugate their offspring best, more efficiently, having successfully locked them into their preprogrammed track and living to see and make sure that they will stay there forever. Being a parent nowadays is just being Architects of Control, designing structures and limitations for one's children through one's I'm-agination and then trying them on for a fit, when they don't fit, just squeeze the children into it, they'll either go mad or cave in, try, we have proven so far a very high "success" rate.

The first time I was told 'I disapprove of you' I don't remember having a reaction, basically I didn't understand what that implied. My mother always wanted to be a better mother than the one she had -don't they all? don't we all?-, so she made up elaborate ways to deliver the same  she got but in a more liberal way, instead of telling me I was out of line or mocking me with irony, as my grandmother did, she would 'disapprove of me'.

She had to disapprove of me a few times before I got the point that I was supposed to 'feel bad' when she did, that would mean 'I got the message' because no daughter worthy of this name can 'feel good' when she has her mother's disapproval, she could not and neither would I.

I found out lately how much I dislike writing about my mother even though I have done a lot of it, there is always a recurring feeling of betrayal when I do, and this is why as well I deliberately don't dissect some of our conversations to expose the Money point in all its glory, I don't want to see my mother that way, when I do the point of Love goes out of the window and if I question my mother's love for me I am left with no Love at all in my life, can I live love-less?

So, let's walk the self forgiveness regarding the 'Disapproval' point to see how it unfolds.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I dislike writing about my mother to analyze my relationship to her in self honesty because I accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a 'traitor' as someone breaking a bond of trust, a circle of trust, without seeing, realizing and understanding that this is how families keep it 'all together' by having their members swearing to secrecy for all the crap that goes on inside them, so we make sure we can never face the point that our dysfunctional world starts at home and through that revert back to all we have been taught to change the origin of ourselves so we may self correct and change the outcome of ourselves to return into alignment to what is best for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when first hearing the 'I disapprove of you' from my mother and not being able to contextualize what it meant and hence to miss out on the prompting 'feel bad', move into dismay as I 'waited for instructions' as I was clear I was supposed to be 'doing something' but not what, and for realizing I was supposed to 'feel bad' and then obey and move into 'feeling bad' as a response to disapproval setting the stage for my 'fear of disapproval', I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, after realizing that 'I do not approve of you' was a prompting for me to feel bad, to experience fear of disapproval in the anticipation of how I was asked to respond to it, and for accepting myself to live one and equal to the fear of disapproval of my mother and the desire for her approval, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to be approved by my mother hoping that I would no longer have to experience the negativity of disapproval and within this for abdicating the responsibility of how I felt about myself/ experienced myself to the prompting of others, to external triggers however declared or implicit, just because I accepted and allowed myself to do so

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as I participate in good feelings when I am approved by my mother and as I seek the 'good feeling' as the approval of my mother, to not see realize and understand, that unless I give up 'the pleasure of being approved' I cannot let go of the negativity and negative  emotions surrounding my experience of being disapproved, because they exist within polarity and I can't have the good experience for myself without having the bad experience of myself as disapproved, and for fearing to no longer have access to the good feeling of approval as a badge of my 'right behavior', I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when telling stories to my mother, always change them to make sure they would fall under her seal of approval so I would not have to experience the disapproval and the negative feeling of diminishment of myself that I connected to 'being disapproved of'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress and deny my fear of disapproval so much that I created a personality from it, which was the "free spirit free thinker devil may care", when in fact I did care and worried constantly about my mother's approval, having used my mother as the policeman in my head against which I measured every moment of my life to see if it was acceptable/approvable, or how I could change it through storytelling to make it so, to avoid the experience of myself as diminished through my mother's disapproval of me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make decisions that I expected my mother would approve of, not because that was in any way relevant to me as a point of self expression, but because I feared not being approved by her, being dismissed as 'rejected/unacceptable' as I equated my behavior to who I really am and took personally her approval/disapproval of my behavior as the point that would measure the validity/ok-ness of my life experience and of myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when considering that I may move abroad again, to run through my mind 'HOW' I will tell my mother in a way she will approve of so I won't have to push against the disapproval and the negative feeling I used to experience when faced with my mother's disapproval of me/my choices for my life, instead of letting go both the desire for her approval and the fear of her disapproval for good

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when sharing about Desteni, to pick and choose what is share-able as in what will give me her approval and not create conflict, which could be common sense, but it's a common sense I have invalidated by disempowering my starting point of fear of disapproval, which stands in the way of really seeing what I can share while maintaining stable relationships in my outside world vs what I share as a way to seek approval/acceptance to validate myself and my existence

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a result of this fear of Disapproval and my mother's 'negative' comments about my Life and my choices and what I could have done better/differently according to her, to create a chatterbox personality that I embody just so I won't have to share anything that is relevant to myself and my life for real for the purpose of both entertaining her and keeping her off subject that I perceive as unsharable as in topics that would then expose me to her approval and disapproval for which I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a Pavlovian response for which I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a result of this fear of Disapproval, design a Chatterbox personality with which I can entertain my mother on subjects/topics of no importance/relevance, so that I won't have to expose topics that I care about and face the fear of her disapproval and the negative experience I have associated to it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist writing about my mother into the nitty gritty of our relationship, because I fear exposing the truth of our relationship as 'the most important relationship of my life' because if I did dig into it then I would have to face how the 'family love' is nothing but manipulation through issues that are money related, and it has to be because if it were not we couldn't explain the money system outside as ruthless and unforgiving if we had not started this system within as our FamiLies, where Fear was covered with Love and Money was never mentioned if not as a reminder of 'all the good that was done for me' as an IOU, making the family the foundation of the Debt system, making sure we wouldn't break free because we are indebted, born indebted, raised indebted, and for accepting my Life as an IOU and for then issuing other UOM (You Owe me) to others as a result, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when asked about who I will vote for this Political elections and my mother said 'she disapproved of my vote' to feel bad and diminished as if my decision was not 'sound' because was Not aligned to her approval and for then moving to suppress this diminishment through backchat as in 'you don't know shit, you deserve this government, you have your head stuck up your ass' as an attempt to diminish her so I could feel better about myself by bringing her down to the level where I accepted and allowed to drag myself through 'her disapproval of me' and for accepting my backchat about others in moments when I feel diminished instead of flagging the point and breathing through it to address it in writing to self correct, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mother's disapproval can diminish me, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that only I can diminish myself by believing that I am the feeling/emotions and thoughts I participate in as an automated response, instead of no longer accepting my participation in emotional constructs I have played out just because I accepted and allowed myself to believe it's easier to go on autopilot than to self direct myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when in the process of making a decision to check if that decision stands within my mother's potential approval, instead of seeing realizing and understanding I was never seeking her approval per se, if not as a positive energy experience but the escape from the disapproval I connected to a negative experience of myself, and for connecting other people's disapproval of me to a negative experience and for taking it personally, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to connect the approval of others to a 'positive energy experience' in which I feel validated and OK, and for seeking this validation of myself outside of myself, externally, in separation from myself, instead of standing in and as the validation of myself in unconditional self acceptance as I walk my process of self correction, I forgive myself


When and as I see myself seeking the approval of my mother or any other by how I am wording a sentence, preparing to tell a story, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that I will have to breathe through my fear of disapproval to correct myself until I no longer experience a reaction to other people's disapproval of me and I can stand stable in and as breath

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into fear of being disapproved as I anticipate how I will experience myself negatively, I stop, breathe, bring myself back into the physical to no longer accept fear of disapproval or desire for approval to move me instead of me directing myself

I commit myself to investigate the point of desire for approval and fear of disapproval until I no longer react or take it personally, to realign myself to what is best for me as best for all, for myself and all of existence Equal and One 

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